You or your partner's new friendship with someone of the opposite sex may be perfectly harmless, but when partners start sharing frustrations, hopes and dreams with the new friend instead of you, it can lead to an affair.
I'm reading Committed, the sequel to Eat, Pray, Lovewhich author Elizabeth Gilbert describes as being about "a sceptic making peace with marriage".
Faced with the prospect of remarrying - after a painful divorce left her vowing never to say "I do" again - she researches marriage in different cultures, as well as what eminent psychologists have uncovered in their research on the topic.
She unearthed some interesting findings that I found so profound I just had to share them with you (information that might just save your marriage one day):
Essentially there is no harm in married partners forming friendships with the opposite sex as long as these frienships remain in the right places within the "house" that is your marriage.
Psychologist Shirley Glass believes marriages (or relationships) are comprised of walls and windows - glass spaces where friends and family can see in and have access to, and walls behind which your most intimate secrets, feelings and private moments are protected and remain private between the two of you.
It is when the boundaries between walls and windows blur or are broken down that affairs can take place. This is how it happens:
Men often defend their affairs with the cliche "My wife doesn't understand me"
A lame excuse for an affair (for which there is never any justification, if you ask me: have the guts to divorce your partner if you have the uncontrollable urge to have sex with someone else, then at least you don't become a liar and a cheat too!) but one that is often used to justify the cheating.
Translate "doesn't understand me" to "doesn't hear me" or "doesn't listen to me" and you can see how a breakdown in communication can lead to big trouble in a marriage.
The problem is further compounded when he starts to open up to his new female friend - who doeslisten
If you and your partner are not best friends, and the other partner starts to look outside the marriage for a confidential friendship, intimacy can develop from this new relationship.
And even if the friendships are with people of the same sex, but you are sharing secrets that you can't or won't share with your partner, there is a betrayal of some sort, which has developed due to the new secrecy in your marriage or relationship.
Here's how that new friendship can lead to an affair
Say one of you is frustrated in your job, but each time you try to talk to your partner about it, he or she is too busy or preoccupied to listen. You turn to your new best friend, who seems to be always there for you.
Many married people who embark on affairs vow that they never meant to cheat on their spouse and the affair "just happened". Which is often completely true, by the way. (We're not talking about serial sex addicts here but ordinary, decent human beings.)
This is how the situation looks to them, but by cultivating an intimate (although originally harmless) friendship with a member of the opposite sex, they were (often unknowingly) setting themselves up for an affair.
Now say one day, you or your partner has a terrible fight with your boss and you're very upset or even in tears. The new best friend knocks on your door to see how you're doing. A comforting hug or shoulder to cry on may turn into a lingering kiss. And voila! The passion is ignited and the affair begins.
Weeks or months down the line you're standing among the ruins of your life; your marriage is over, your home is no longer and your children hate you for destroying the family. And all because you decided to confide in someone else instead of your spouse.
I'm not saying that busy partners are completely to blame for the other partner's affair, or that all marriages can be saved by opening up to your spouse, but it's worth trying to rekindle the friendship you once had with each other if you don't really talk enough anymore.
Make 2011 the year that you become best friends with your spouse or partner again: it may just save your marriage one day.
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