Is it time?

HI All

Wow it's been what feels like a life time since I last posted on here. Think it's time I revive this blog. Keep reading for an update on what's been going on and maybe I'll include some writing from a more personal perspective. That could prove quite interesting............

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New FREE Mini e -course to begin on MONDAY 6th June

Hi Faithful Followers


This is just brief message to inform everyone that my NEW mini e-course regarding creating more love, passion, connection and a "Red Hot Love Relationship." will commence on monday the 6th June. The last FREE mini course i did had a great response. This time around the course will run for 5 days so sign up for free emails right into your inbox to ensure that you don't miss out.


Thanks
Nicolette

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Can You Truly Just "Have Fun"?

It's the classic dating situation: Two people meet. They are attracted to one another and begin to spend time together. The continue to spend time together and become intimate.

One person makes it clear that he or she just wants to "have fun" and does not want a relationship or to get serious. As time passes, however, confusion, disagreement and possible pain about this "non-relationship" grows.

So, is it possible to just "have fun" together?

Of course it is. When two people have an agreement that they are both wanting to be casual about their interactions with one another, it can be fun and enjoyable.

This, however, is not a committed relationship.

We certainly hope that there is fun and enjoyment in love relationships and marriages, but there are also other elements that the casual dating experience does not usually include.

Let's back up a bit...

There are many people who simply don't want to be in a love relationship.

They may have had painful experiences in past relationships and still feel too vulnerable and wounded to jump back into another one now, or ever. They may hold beliefs that they will lose independence and a sense of control over their lives if they enter into a committed relationship.

Or, perhaps, they are clear within themselves that they do not want that kind of depth and level of involvement with another person right now.

None of these reasons are wrong.

It gets tricky, however, when a person who is not wanting to be in a relationship does want to date and possibly be sexually intimate with other people.

Upon first getting together, it might seem acceptable to the other person to just "have fun." But attachments can happen over time.  Feelings can deepen and grow.

The person who was initially okay with a non-relationship dating arrangement might find him or herself wanting more.

When both people do not want more at the same time, the fun quickly drains away leaving mainly hurt feelings and upset.

Make agreements with yourself. 
We understand that when you are first getting to know another person to whom you are attracted, neither of you really knows if this will turn into a love relationship or not.

At that first date, asking the other person to make relationship commitments to you is probably not a wise idea-- nor is it probably one that you would choose.

You are learning more about this person; you probably don't want to force things or end up in a relationship with someone whom you aren't all that excited about after all.

We encourage you to make commitments and agreements with yourself.

• What is most important to you when it comes to this dating experience?
• How would you like to be treated by this new person in your life?
• Are there particular expectations that you have of him or her?
• If the two of you are sexually intimate, what kind of agreements will you make?

While it may be unclear to you (and to your date) whether or not you want to deepen your interactions and eventually be in a committed relationship together, you can become very clear within yourself about what you want.

For example, if you truly are wanting to be in a committed relationship in the near future, be honest with yourself about that.  Whether it's this person or another, if this is what you really want, admit it to yourself.

Communicate as you go along. 
Keep the lines of communication open and honest as you are in this dating and "having fun" situation. Listen to what the other person is saying and ask yourself if this is acceptable to you at this time.

After a few months, you might want more. This is why continuing to talk is so important.

Again, we aren't suggesting that during the first weeks of dating, you corner this other person and try to get him or her to make a commitment to a relationship.

Yes, make agreements in the moment and make commitments that fit
where you are.

We also recommend that if your dating partner is clearly against being in a relationship and you would like to keep that open as a future possibility, be honest.

When you say okay to no relationship, that is also an agreement.

If you are amenable to a "no relationship" agreement, be sure that you continue to check in with yourself as the two of you spend more and more time together.

Be clear about what just "having fun" means to each of you in terms of dating other people and sexual intimacy.

Dating and attracting a love relationship can be difficult to do.  There are a lot of unknowns and many occasions for potential misunderstandings.

Keep the connection between you and you strong. Stay open and be honest about where you are and what you want. Above all, trust that you can have the kind of experience and relationships that you desire.

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Can you turn a booty call into a boyfriend?

A booty call is someone you invite over, or who invites you over, (usually late at night) for the sole purpose of having sex.
The initial thought of the person making the call is no-strings fun, very casual, and basically assumes that both parties are mature enough to accept the ‘date’ for what it is.

For most women, the fact that the guy is willing to come over just for the purpose of using and being used is not a good indication of relationship material.
If you’re making a true booty call you usually don’t know the person much beyond their ability in bed – and having sexual prowess does not always equal relationship ability.


Start by taking the 'booty' out of the call
However, there have been instances where going from being or making the booty call to being the significant other has worked out. Sometimes it’s difficult not to develop feelings for someone you’re so intimate with. In this case, you are going to need a lot of patience.
The first step is going to be very gently bringing up the subject of you and the rodeo stud as a couple. You must be prepared todo this in very tiny steps – which may involve a series of booty calls in which the booty gets pushed back by conversation a bit more each time.

Don’t rush into this too fast. You really need to get a feel for how he feels about you. Once you’ve determined that there is actual interest in more than just your girly-bits, you’ll have to move onto the hardest stage of all. You have to stop being the booty call altogether.


He needs to stop seeing you as just a playmate
Men tend to have two compartments in their brains: one for sex and one for relationships (and the two don’t always talk to each other).
You now have to get your plaything to see you as a real woman with emotions and feelings, and not just a play mate. You will have to stop taking his calls late at night and make yourself unavailable during that time period.


Make yourself available for real dates
However, you do want to be available during ‘decent’ hours for conversations, lunch, dinner, and even movie dates. You just want to take the naked fun off the plate for the time being.
You may even have to be prepared for the fact that sometimes you have to walk away from the guy completely.
In quite a few cases, women have found that absence really does make the heart grow fonder. It seems that just when these women had given up on their previous booty call pal and were ready to move on, that was when the relationship actually formed.


Know when to call it a day
Remember that most people who make and answer booty calls aren’t usually looking for a relationship, which means they may opt out once you bring up this possibility.
If a guy loses interest once you take sex off the table, he was probably never interested in you as a person anyway, and in this case, the best course of action on your part is just to let him go.

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Lovemaking Not important As Cuddling

Love brings two people closer together. But according to the latest study a researcher from the Laboratory of Evolutionary Anthropology and Health at Binghamton University, Justin Garcia stated that most couples today prefer to cuddle and kiss their mate rather than lovemaking.

Doctors have proved that lovemaking helps in various ways and has the best of advantages too for both the male and female. People around the world have voted for cuddling and kissing to be much more intimate than lovemaking and it is what they crave for even more than physical intimacy from the opposite gender.

Justin Garcia, the researcher states that," People want emotional intimacy, to feel bonded and romantically attached to another." He further added that," This drive lies deep within our evolved biology; and while sex is important, so too is the drive to connect to a lover."
Cuddling is easy, you feel relaxed and for most women they get the secured feeling that they are safe. But most importantly, now that lovemaking is something that most couples do not find essential , the person whom you cuddle with should be special and above all matter to you. In the study conducted, 95 percent of couples say that they prefer cuddling other than lovemaking and in most romantic relationships, 97 percent of men and women stated that they like to cuddle up close with their partner, but in uncommitted sexual hook-ups only 52 percent of men and 61 percent of women like to cuddle.

Researcher Justin Garcia stated, " The sexes aren't as different in our desire for love as we often think. But it is important to note that the context of these affiliation gestures makes a lot of difference. In some cases, these behaviors are about trying to become emotionally closer to the partner. We quite often see that sex isn't always just about sex - it is often one of many ways to find someone to love."

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It's The Game Of Love; Seven Steps To Make It Going

It's the world of competition, and everybody try their best to get the best. Ever wondered why, may be one amongst you, have got the best girl? Well, the secret is not good looks or a well-defined six pack, but the fact that women simply get attracted to certain personality traits and flock to men who possess them.

So, here you go. Here I unravel some qualities, possessing which, may not take a lot of time for you to put yourself among the shoes of one of your friends whom you had always envy. Qualities that a lot of fairer sex looks forward to in the opposite sex. Read between the lines: 

1. The Confident Guy: 

Confidence speaks, all the time. Be the one in the front and not in the back. Girls, needless to say, love to see tons of confidence oozing out of them. 

A confident man who looks totally secure and sure of himself. He is assertive in public and gives off an aura of power and control. In a relationship, he doesn't get jealous of other men; he doesn't feel threatened by his girlfriend's male friends or co-workers. 

2. The Romantic Guy: 

It works all the time. Romance is the name of the game my friends. It has, and always will be. The biggest turn on is to see your partner asking for more, and this applies just for everything. A woman loves to feel appreciated, and the romantic guy makes this happen. He uses romantic gestures to show her he is thinking about her. As an added bonus, she feels free to reciprocate and act on her own romantic tendencies. 

Getting a bunch of flowers for your loved ones, or a pack of chocolates, are anything but sweet and simple gesture of how romantic you are. 

3. Artistic Guy: 

Let your imaginations go flying. Cross the borders and work on creativity. Remember, Every woman wants to feel unique and special and there is no better way to make her feel this way than to use her as your muse or your source of inspiration. 

The artistic guy is spontaneous and lives for the moment. Often, he will use his creativity to woo her, such as with a song he has written about her or a painting he has made for her. 

4. The Foreign Guy: 

Women often choose this kind of guy if they are curious about the world, but most of the appeal comes down to a fascination with dating someone from another culture. 

He comes from a faraway exotic country and he might have a cute accent or a unique way of seeing the world. His social customs and everyday behaviour can be a little quirky, but he always manages to come off as uniquely charming. 

5. The Free Spirit Guy (aka the Bad Boy) 

Speak your mind - no matter what the consequences are, but do that, always. Every woman wants a bit of a rebel. She loves his carefree attitude and hopes that it will rub off on her too. The bad boy spirit adds an element of youthfulness to the relationship and she loves to try taming him.

The free spirit guy goes where the wind takes him - and the wind usually takes him on some kind of wacky adventure. 

6. The Intelligent/Witty Guy 

Intelligence sparkles temptation, and the latter is very much more than the former. An intellectual connection is a big part of what sustains a relationship and if you can show her that you've got that, she'll be hooked pretty quickly. 

He instigates conversations that are intellectually stimulating and listens to what she has to say in response. He makes her laugh with his clever sense of humour and has an uncanny ability to make politics interesting. He can shoot the breeze with her for hours and it will never get boring. 

7. The Considerate Guy 

Last, be considerate. No body wants to see you to be the Brutus. Have a lot of empathy and mean what you say. One must have a lot of consideration for the people around. That , at least, to your partner will mean a lot. Small considerate steps may actually make a huge-huge difference in what or how she takes you. It's your ball game after all. Play it smart.

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Honesty

There are times in every relationship when it is best to keep our mouths shut. It is unnecessarily unkind to pass comment on a bad meal or a failed attempt to sort something when your partner clearly knows already they have messed up.

It is cruel to keep the drip drip of constant criticism going when a partner has done something stupid, lazy or incompetent. Our partner deserves the same courtesies we would give to any other friend. People irritate each other. Your partner is likely to be as exasperated by some of your habits as you are by theirs. The less said about them the better.             

A great many couples, even those who consider their relationship to be sound, tread carefully around each other. Take sex for instance – how many women fake orgasms rather than risk hurting their partner’s fragile pride by asking for what they really would like from them in bed? Women are often bad at asking for what they want in all sorts of other ways too. We almost expect others to be telepathic and feel we shouldn’t have to say. But unless we do, at the earliest, calmest moment, resentments soon flourish.

It’s often stupid stuff like putting out the rubbish. Instead of saying ‘For God’s sake can you put the rubbish out’ one of you will huff and puff and then about 3 weeks later say something like ‘I did an experiment to see how much the bin would overflow before someone actually put it out…’.

Honesty takes a conscious effort and isn’t always easy. We don’t want to upset our partner or tell them something which they might not want to hear. It helps if the other person makes it easy for them to speak openly, by listening and accepting that this is their honest view rather than over-reacting or being too sensitive about constructive criticism offered in good faith. Good communication is part and parcel of intimacy, which means talking about how we really feel about the big things in life – work, having children, where we want to live, how we want to be loved as well as the small things.

We depend upon that other voice, from somebody we know cares about us, in all sorts of ways to keep us in check. When a woman asks ‘How do I look?’ before going out – she doesn’t actually want a pat ‘Lovely darling’. You don’t have to reply ‘Dreadful’ but you could suggest she changes something in a supportive way. And if a man has a few offensive personal habits such as bad breath or body odour then he needs to be told this by his partner because if she (or he) isn’t prepared to tell him, who will?

Without honesty about who we are and what we want from life as well as from each other there is always a sense of self sacrifice for the sake of the couple, which isn’t healthy. The relationship is also unlikely to be flexible enough to withstand the changes that life brings.  

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What some couples say about Sex and romance

When our sex lives are going well it is great, but sometimes things go off the boil. Busy lives, sleepless nights, stress and anxieties can all contribute to a decline in the frequency of sex. We all have different levels of libido and expect different things from sex. All of these things can mean that problems can arise, problems that can be painful and difficult to talk about. You can read below about other couple's experiences, both good and bad, of sex and their relationships.

Nick, London
“It’s almost like a graph between quantity and quality – the quantity probably goes down, but I think you get to find out about what each other likes.”

Julie, Wolverhampton
“I think it’s purely because my attitude towards sex has relaxed. I am more open about things, and when we first got married, I would find it difficult to tell him I didn’t like it…he’s taught me to be more open about it.”

Kerry, Hertford
"I think a man puts more emphasis on sex in marriage. It's nice, but it's not as important as a lot of people think it ought to be in my opinion. He probably thinks the same as me, but I think he's got obviously more sex drive than me."

Gill, London
"The first couple of years of marriage, I couldn't talk to my husband because he used to get so hurt... his male ego — I couldn't suggest anything."

Sasha, Colchester
“When we slept we used to spoon, and we carried on doing that until after my first daughter was born. Some men go off women when they have a baby but everything was fine. But then things changed. At first he said it was because I have got a denture on my top teeth. But that’s not it. I think he just sees me as this wife and mother person, like I’m no longer sexual I suppose. But I’m not only a mum and I miss the intimacy we used to share.”

Oliver, Coventry
“I think sex is an important part of a relationship, it makes me feel really close to my wife. Sometimes it is difficult to say stuff or we have had a row, but when we have sex we are more relaxed and able to talk about things more easily – although sometimes I fall asleep!!!”

Corrine, South Wales
“He went one side of the bed, I went the other side. It was very, very sad indeed. It was awful. On the sexual side of things everything changed. We used to have a good sex life, but then things just became very mechanistic. I would make a joke of it but I went through all the emotions – you name it. It was just cold and even though we were in bed together I felt really lonely without him.”

Vicki, Kent
“Out relationship changed after having our first child. My husband went off me rather a lot. He was there at the birth, then he didn’t come near me for months. It may have been to do with my weight.”

Jaime, Leicester
“One of the problems was that we stopped being physical at all. In fact, for two years before Daniel came along we hadn’t actually slept together. He came along very quickly in the first week of us being physical again together. Other than that, there had only been very odd nights when we slept together. When we first got together it was all very passionate but it has really waned, and recently completely stopped. I’m not fifty!! I want some more sex!”

Jake, Bedford
“Our sex life was amazing when we got together – we had this amazing connection. Now we don’t have sex as often – we are so busy and the kids keep us awake a lot, but when we do the connection is even stronger. We have shared so much and sex helps us be intimate and keep the spark going.”

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Six Types of Love

In a classic book titled Colors of Love (1973), J. A. Lee defined six varieties of relationship that might be labeled love.

What six different types of love did J. A. Lee define?

Eros is romantic, passionate, love—what Tennov labeled limerence. In this type of relationship, love is life's most important thing. Lee said a search for physical beauty or an ideal type also typifies this type of love.

Ludus is a game-playing or uncommitted love. Lying is part of the game. A person who pursues ludic love may have many conquests but remains uncommitted.

Storge (STORE-gay) is a slow developing, friendship-based loved. People with this type of relationship like to participate in activities together. Often storge results in a long-term relationship in which sex might not be very intense or passionate.

Pragma is a pragmatic, practical, mutually beneficial relationship. It may be somewhat unromantic. A person who leans toward this type of relationship may look for a partner at work or where the person is spending time. Sex is likely to be seen as a technical matter needed for producing children, if they are desired.

Mania is an obsessive or possessive love, jealous and extreme. A person in love this way is likely to do something crazy or silly, such as stalking. The movieFatal Attraction was about this type.

Agape (a-GOP-aye) is a gentle, caring, giving type of love, brotherly love, not concerned with the self. It is relatively rare. Mother Theresa showed this kind of love for impoverished people.

What have researchers found, in studying Lee's six types of love?

Hendrick, Hendrick, Slapion-Foote, and Foote (1985) found that men were more likely to show the ludic type of love, while women were more likely to be storgic or pragmatic.

Studies of couples happily married for over 30 years showed that couples who rated their marriages as highly satisfactory described their relationship in terms which resembled erotic love more than the other five types. This might be surprising; in view of the earlier-mentioned finding that limerence type relationships tend to flare out quickly among college students. However, it might be the case that long-term relationships that contain both friendship and a passionate spark are more likely to endure and provide satisfaction to both parties than relationships that are low-key and pragmatic.

Which type of love was least familiar to students in an introductory psychology class?

In a classroom poll, conducted in two American introductory psychology classes of over 250 students each, the first five types were all familiar to over 80% of the students from their personal experience (their own relationships or people they knew). However, less than 10% of students knew somebody who expressed agape.

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Psychology of Compartmentalizing Sex

President Clinton wags his finger, looks America in the eye, and announces, 

"I did not have sex with that woman." George Michael wags another part of his 
anatomy and discovers just how public a park restroom can be. 
These men and others like them lead tightly controlled, highly disciplined lives. 
At the same time, they act out sexually in career-threatening, dangerous ways. 
What's going on here?


Compartmentalization, for one thing. That's the psychological term for 
placing several different aspects of one's life in separate baskets 
and believing they can remain apart forever. However, when it comes 
to sex, some experts believe the issue goes beyond compartments to walls: 
Some men erect high barriers in a subconscious attempt to isolate parts 
of their lives. There are three ways to act on sexual feelings: expression, s
uppression, or repression. 


The first method is straightforward; the second may cause a person to think, 
I'll have that sex or make those films when it's less dangerous; 
the third--repression--is the reason televangelists sermonize against 
sin moments before hiring prostitutes. The more driven a man is in his 
professional life the more likely he is to repress sexual feelings.


American men, are often afraid of passion and losing control. Although the 
president has proved that compartmentalization, building walls, and risky 
behavior are not necessarily gay issues, they do affect many gay men, s
ays New York City psychotherapist Douglas Nissing. "It's the way many 
gay men survive," he explains. "As we grow up in unsafe spaces, we learn 
to cut ourselves off from our personalities. We put certain feelings in one box, 
others in another. This disintegration leads to sexual behavior that is so 
cut off from the rest of our lives that the consequences are not a cause 
for concern or even pause."


The tendency to wall off parts of one's life appears to be more common 
among men than women. Also, gay men who are open about their 
sexuality are less apt to compartmentalize their lives than those who are closeted.
The closet takes many forms, points out Michael Cohen, a psychotherapist in Hartford, Conn. "If you hide your sexual orientation or your fantasies or emotional needs, then that repression will leak out in other parts of your life," he says. "For some people, it's expressed as anonymous sex in a rest stop or video store; for others, it's unsafe sex when you know better or even depression."
If the problem is "disintegration," then the solution is "integration." Berzon says, "It's important to be integrated in all parts of your life. I see patients who say that being gay isn't a problem, but then I find out they aren't out to their families, so it's clear they still are not fully integrated."


Therapists say men who are driven professionally--like President Clinton, entertainer George Michael, and retired Marine captain Rich Merritt--are more likely to compartmentalize their sexual feelings.

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Difference Between Healthy and Unhealthy Sex

Learning how to distinguish healthy sex from other forms of sex can empower you to bring Healthy Sex more into your own life.

The chart below outlines how healthy sexuality differs from abusive sex and addictive sex.

Sexual Abuse and Addiction	Healthy Sex
Sex is uncontrollable energy	Sex is controllable energy
Sex is an obligation	Sex is a choice
Sex is addictive	Sex is a natural drive
Sex is hurtful	Sex is nurturing, healing
Sex is a condition for love or devoid of love	Sex is an expression of love
Sex is "doing to" someone	Sex is sharing with someone; sex is part of who I am
Sex is void of communication	sex requires communication
Sex is secretive	Sex is private
Sex is exploitative	Sex is respectful
Sex is deceitful	Sex is honest
Sex benefits one person	Sex is mutual
Sex is emotionally distant	Sex is intimate
Sex is irresponsible	Sex is responsible
Sex is unsafe	Sex is safe
Sex has no limits	Sex has boundaries
Sex is power over someone	Sex is empowering
Sex requires a double life	Sex enhances who you really are
Sex compromises your values	Sex reflects your values
Sex feels shameful	Sex enhances self esteem

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Does having sex mean falling in love?

Being in love sometimes leads to sex, but having sex will not guarantee that you or your partner will fall in love.

So, if you're using sex to get love, you'll probably be disappointed.

Sex means something different to everyone. So does love. Sometimes, having sex makes you feel like you're in love, but it can fool you. You think you're in love because of the way a person makes you feel physically -- not because of who they are and what you give to each other.

Also, strange as it sounds, having sex too soon can actually stifle the growth of  love. When two people get too physical, too quickly, they sometimes get embarrassed and pull away from each other. It's easy to bare your body -- much harder to bare your soul. So sometimes, sex feels like the fast way to love and intimacy. It's not.

Truth is, couples who take their time -- and that means more than a couple of months -- to become friends before having sex usually become closer and more intimate. And that's love.

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