Is it time?

HI All

Wow it's been what feels like a life time since I last posted on here. Think it's time I revive this blog. Keep reading for an update on what's been going on and maybe I'll include some writing from a more personal perspective. That could prove quite interesting............

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How can I go on after the breakup?

After a breakup or divorce, thoughts like these may cross
your mind once-- or many, many times: 
 
"I don't know how I will go on without her." 
 
"How will I ever make it without him in my life?" 
 
Especially if the breakup was not your idea, you may be
having a difficult time grappling with the prospect of
living life without the relationship that just ended.  

Where you sit right now, it might seem nearly impossible 
for you to go on without the man or woman you used to 
(and maybe still do) love. 
 
Even if you agree that ending the relationship is truly for
the best and even if breaking up has brought some relief,
you might also worry about how you will make it on your 
own.

For some people, the idea of being alone is scary and makes
them feel vulnerable.  
 
This might relate to caring for a house primarily by
yourself, becoming a single parent, providing financially
for yourself and children and it might also relate to eating
meals alone, going through special occasions or holidays 
and sleeping by yourself at night. 
 
No matter how much sense it might make that you and your 
ex go your separate ways, adjusting to life without this
person, can appear to leave a big hole. 
 
It is understandable that you might wonder how you will be
able to go on without your partner. 
 
 
In order to heal from the breakup or divorce, it's important
for you address any beliefs you might have that you will not
be able to cope or manage without your ex.  
 
At this moment in time, it might feel as if that is true.  
 
The healing happens when you recognize those beliefs and
feelings AND you also begin to deliberately remind yourself
that you can create a new life for yourself-- one that may
even be happy and filled with love again.  
 
Face up to the changes going on in your life. 
Facing up to a new and unwanted reality can be painful.  It
may be something you'd rather avoid or try to ignore.  
 
But until you really look at where you are right here and
now, you will continue to live in the hurt and grief
associated with the past.  
 
You might need to practice this.  
 
Speak honestly about being single again to those you meet.
Think about yourself in terms of where you are now-- a
single (or about to be single) person who is going through a
transitional period in his or her life. 
 
Try not to re-live the events of your breakup or even the
happier times with your ex as you speak and think about
where you are now. Of course, there will be times when it is
helpful for you to learn from the past and appreciate what
was good in that past-- but not right now. 
 
When you face up to the changes going on in your life in
this way, over time, you can begin to see them as less scary
and out of your control. 
 
You can start to look around at your life as it is right now
and see opportunities for healing and growth that you might
not have seen before.  
 
Open up to the possible positive aspects of these changes. 
The next step of this practice of looking at where you are
may not be easy for you, at first.  Give it a chance and
return more than once to this challenge we are about to
invite you to.
 
We encourage you to look at where you are right now,
including the changes in your life because of your breakup
or divorce, and search for just one positive result of those
changes. 
 
It might seem to be very small and insignificant.  
 
You might recognize that now you can sleep in as late as you
want to on a Saturday morning.  

You may realize that you can try out a new diet because 
you are cooking for one now. 

You might simply appreciate the fact that you can leave the
toilet seat up (or down) all of the time. 
 
Perhaps you have discovered that you can pay your bills on
time with just your paycheck or that you can fix a leaky
faucet on your own. 
 
The idea here is to demonstrate to yourself that even in the
middle of the pain and heartache, there are a few things
that are positive and desirable that are also occurring. 
 
Remind yourself of what IS stable and what or whom you 
CAN depend on right now.

As important as it is for you to face up to the changes that
are happening in your life, it is also helpful and
bolstering to remember that not everything is in flux. 
 
There are most likely quite a few people who are there for
you.  Make a list of all of the people in your life upon
whom you might rely in some way.  
 
This may be something as minor as a neighbor who looks out
for your home when you're away for a weekend. 

It could be a friend who is always ready with wise words
and a hug. 

It might be that relative  who has been the stable presence in
your life since you were young. 
 
Know that these people are there for you-- if you call on
them.  Be specific in your request for support. Be willing
to receive.  
 
There are also undoubtedly situations in your life that are
not changing.  Even if it's the bus route you ride to work
or the way that the flowers in your garden bloom and grow,
pay attention to those things that are constants around you.

 
Look to them when you feel vulnerable and out of control for
re-grounding. 
 
As you face your current reality and look at where you are,
you will probably begin to see that there are some promising
things going on right here and right now.  Knowing this will
help you feel better and better every day. 
 

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5 ways to help you get over your breakup pain faster‏

We all talk to ourselves all of the time and this is what we calling
'self talk.' These thoughts come and go in our minds and they can
either help us go through life with relative ease or struggling at
every step of the way.

In our experience, this 'self talk' can either keep you stuck in the
past--mulling over what went wrong or what you should have done
differently--or stuck in the future--worrying about what might 
happen at some point down the road.

Or 'self talk' can help you to stay in the present moment, dealing
practically with what's happening right now, and move powerfully and
positively into your future.

One of the best kept secrets is that you can change your thoughts.
Believe it or not, many people learn how to do it.

Here are 5 ways to change 'self talk' to help you ease your pain 
from your breakup or divorce...

1. Become aware of what you are telling yourself.
Believe it or not, our thoughts are habits that we've created along 
the way. For instance, there's the "guilt" set of thoughts, the
"worry" set of thoughts, the "fear" set of thoughts, the "I'm always
going to be alone" set of thoughts, the "nothing's wrong" set of
thoughts or the "sunny outlook" set of thoughts--you get the idea.

If you want to begin healing your pain, start paying attention to
your particular set of thoughts. You might even give them a name.
Maybe you've not had these thoughts until your breakup or maybe
they've been with you for a long time. Whichever is the case, just
begin noticing what thoughts roll through your mind.

2. Once you have become aware of your thoughts, decide the thoughts
that make you feel better, easier about your situation and those
that don't. Take a legal pad or notebook and at the top of the page, 
make 2 columns with these headings: "Feel better" and "Feel Worse."

Keep the legal pad or notebook where you can easily reach it. As
thoughts come to you, write them down under one of those two
categories. Do this long enough for you to see on paper, your
patterns of thinking that are either helping you or pulling you
down.

3. Identify one reoccurring thought or pattern that is bringing you 
pain and make the commitment to yourself to change it. Write your
commitment down and post it where you'll see it often. 

It could go something like this...

"I commit to changing my thoughts about how alone I am right now. 
I may not be with a partner right now but I don't have to constantly
remind myself."

4. Chose a thought that is better.
Taking our example, this thought is probably not going to be that
you are completely joyful, are with your perfect partner, or feel
completely satisfied with your current situation. It may be that
a better thought is that when a thought comes up about how alone
you are, you change that thought to "I can call my friend ______ and
either talk with them or arrange to go to dinner or a movie."

5. Practice in each moment and break your habit.
Have you ever broken a habit? It takes being aware of what you are
doing and then making a change in the moment. Your thought pattern 
is a habit and can be changed--but you have to believe the thought
that you are changing to--and you have to practice it.

If feeling better is important to you, this is valuable information
that will help you to move forward in your healing process from
your breakup or divorce. 

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Will your heart ever heal from your break up?‏

We're here to tell you that you can heal. No matter how
troubling your breakup was, you can feel better, even happy,
again. 

It all starts with a choice and a shift. 

We know that sounds like we're minimizing your pain but
believe us when we say that that's not the case.

We know how painful a break up can be and we also
know that it doesn't feel like a choice--but if you will
bear with us, we'll explain. 

Make the choice to heal.

As simplistic as it may sound, when you make a deliberate
decision to turn toward healing, you can often start feeling
better quicker than you thought possible. 

Sometimes, we cling to our painful thoughts and memories
around the breakup because we are afraid that if we let go
of the agony, we will negate any chance there might be
(especially in our minds) of reuniting. 

On some level you might want nothing more than to just go
back to the way things were...even if you know that breaking
up was for the best--and your partner may have moved on
anyway.

It is understandable that you might feel this way. 

We encourage you to ask yourself this: "Is carrying around
the pain and hurt serving you?"

If it isn't, maybe it's time to make the choice to heal. 

You could write down on a piece of paper an affirmative
statement of your intention to heal. 

For example, you might write: 
"I am ready to feel better and once again turn toward
happiness."

Make a shift. 

Congratulations on making the decision to heal your broken
heart. (*If you still can't make such a choice, be patient
with yourself and keep reading this.)

In order to put your healing into full motion, it's time to
make a shift. 

When you make a shift in the way that you think about
yourself, your ex and the relationship that ended, you can
begin to move toward improvement.

**One powerful way to make a shift toward healing is to
become an observer to your thoughts and beliefs. 

Let's face it. 

When you think to yourself something like, "I will never
find love again," it is your thought that is causing you
fear and sadness, not necessarily the reality of your life. 

After all, you simply can't know what the future holds for
you. 

Get into the habit of paying attention to what you are
thinking and believing. 

When a particular thought becomes fixed in your mind,
question that thought or belief the way that someone outside
your situation might do. 

You could start out by asking yourself, "Do I know ________ 
to be absolutely true?" 

Many times, realizing that what you are believing is not
necessarily accurate or true can help loosen the grip that
the painful thought seems to have over you. 

**Another way to make a shift toward healing is to broaden
your view of your own life. 

For many people, the pain of a broken heart can eclipse
everything else going on in life. 

Without being judgmental of yourself, start to look around
at the other people and things in your everyday world.

Are there friends or family members who you could devote
more time to? Perhaps there are projects at home, work or
related to a hobby that you haven't attended to lately. 

What is already present in your life that you couldn't
previously see because you were so focused in on the
breakup? 

Be gentle with yourself and don't force things. But, begin
to look up from your intense feelings and see what you see. 

Follow your heart and your interests and expand what you are
focused upon. 

We aren't for one minute suggesting that you should stuff
down the sadness, grief or anger that you might be feeling
about the breakup. 

Instead, we are urging you to feel what you are feeling and
then bring yourself back to the people, places and things
that are waiting for you right here and now. 

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4 Ways To Deal With Upsets, Anger and Anything Else

We've all experienced this at one time or another. Something happens, and we completely overreact.

We get upset, defensive and irritable and we don't
even want to (or can't) listen to what our partner is
saying.
Even though we just want to make him or her hear
and understand how we feel, we come off as
demanding and angry.
The last thing we want to do in that moment is to
understand where our partner is coming from, or
what he or she is going through.
Our partner has pushed a button and our automatic
response goes something like this...
"You hurt my feelings, it's not right and I'm going
to let you have it!"
We all do this but unfortunately when this happens
it never brings the two of you closer.
In fact, it brings more tension, stress and a lot of
unresolved conflict.
Here's a "button-pushing" scenario from our own
lives and what we did about it...

Several years ago, we'd get into conflict when
Otto had a particularly "uppity, sarcastic, superior"
(Susie's words) tone in his voice when he talked
to her on occasion.

Susie's anger button would be pushed big time and
of course, she had her own way of pushing
Otto's anger button.

Instead of expressing her anger in a healthy way,
she would come back with some sarcastic remark
that didn't have anything to do with what he was
saying.

His tone of voice said to her...(in her mind)

"I don't respect you"
"You are stupid"
"You just don't get this"

And any connection would be all over between
the two of us.

You can guess that after Susie came back with
a sarcastic, superior remark, Otto would really
get angry.

And so it went until we figured out how to stop
pushing each other's buttons in this way.

Does any of this sound even a little bit familiar
to you?

We're betting that even though you may not
have this particular way of pushing each other's
buttons, you have ways that are equally deadly
to your relationship. Maybe it's not the tone of voice you use with
each other but it might be what's NOT said
and what you imagine is happening.

Maybe it's that almost everything you say to
one another ends up being fodder for a fight.
Maybe it's that you've grown apart and you
desperately want to do something to bring
the two of you back together but everything
you try turns out wrong--and you're growing
further apart.

But...
Here's the thing about triggers...
No matter what triggers you and what triggers
your partner, you can change how you relate
to one another and how you deal with the
conflict so that it is no longer a big problem
for you in your relationship.
So, what did we do about this particular "button-
pushing" dynamic?
Susie learned to stop herself from putting a
particular meaning (her story about what
Otto's tone of voice meant) on what he was
saying--and listen instead to his words.
Here are the steps she used and you can
use also when you're triggered about
something your partner says or does...
1. Notice that you've been triggered and
acknowledge it to yourself that you've been
grabbed by something.
2. Notice what story you're telling yourself
at that moment. In Susie's case, it was
"Otto thinks I'm stupid and he doesn't
respect me."
The truth is that she didn't know what
he was thinking in that moment or what his
particular tone of voice meant.
(It might have meant that he was frustrated
and not with Susie--which was usually what it
turned out to be.)
3. Stop yourself from reacting in your old,
familiar way. If you say something back that's
sarcastic or you completely withdraw and
close down from your partner, notice that
that's what you want to do but DON'T DO
IT.
We know that it takes a lot of courage to
stop doing what's become automatic--but
know that with a little practice you can do
it.
4. Change your story and listen to your
partner.
Susie's new story is that Otto's may not
be angry with her and she'll just listen to
what he has to say.
You can change your story by just looking
at whatever else could be just as true in
this situation and telling yourself that story.
Otto used a similar process as well.
 
These steps are how we started unraveling
our particular "button-pushing" dance that
could have left a lot of unresolved conflict
between us.
And this unresolved conflict could have
destroyed the closeness, connection and
passion that we so love about our relationship.

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3 Keys To Stopping the Pain of a Broken Heart‏

It doesn't matter whether you were the one who left or you were the
one who was left--there is usually a mixture of emotions that come
up. There could be regret, sadness, resentment, relief, loss, grief
and a mixture of all of those.

Whatever you are feeling right now, we know that at the very bottom 
it,there is probably some kind of pain.

It can show up differently as emotional pain or physical pain--or a
mixture of both.

When one woman we know experienced a divorce, she actually had
physical pain in her heart. She was so grief-stricken that she
thought she was having a heart attack. In an extreme case such as
this, you need to be checked out by a physician--but the point is
that there is very real pain after a breakup or divorce.

So the question is...

How do you stop the pain?

The funny thing about pain is that it is usually pointing to 
something that you need to heal or look at in your life. Now you
may be telling us that it's pretty obvious what you need to heal--
the loss of your relationship or to get your relationship back--but 
maybe it isn't as obvious as that.

So the first thing that we would suggest if you are in pain from
a breakup or divorce is ...

1. Acknowledge that you are in pain
Acknowledge "what is" right now. Right now, you may be experiencing
the extremes of either getting busy "doing" so that all of your
time is filled up and you can't think or you are so overcome with
emotion that you aren't functioning very well in your job or your
personal life. 

As you've probably discovered, neither of these ways is very 
helpful or healthy for you to deal with the pain. 

If you cover the pain up with lots of "doing," whether it's exercise
or working long hours, the pain always comes out and hits you in
the face at some point. Maybe you can't sleep and take sleeping
pills because your thoughts and emotions are overwhelming. Whatever
happens, the pain always catches up to you.

If you find that you are completely incapacitated by your pain and
all you want to do is stay in bed, that's probably not working 
either. You may be missing work, staying away from your friends and
hibernating. You life may seem that it's on hold and you can't move
further. Being overwhelmed with pain is not dealing with it either. 

The choice you can make, whether you are incapacitated by your pain
or are burying it, is to really look at it and not try to run
away from it.

2. Discover what your pain is telling you.
Now this may seem a little weird to you but as we said before, pain 
is always telling us something and our job is to listen. 

Here's one way to listen to what your pain is saying...

Find a quiet spot, sit quietly with yourself, close your eyes and no 
distractions like television or the internet.

Take a few moments to quiet yourself by breathing deeply into your
belly region. If thoughts come in, bring your attention back to
your breathing.

When you are calmer, move your attention to your heart (or any other 
place in your body that has pain) and breathe into that spot. Don't
try to judge or put meaning to your pain right now.

Just allow yourself to fully pay attention to the area of your body
that the pain is causing you distress. Remember no judgments, no
self-talk about your situation.

Just be totally present with what is.

3. Practice this exercise whenever you feel overwhelmed or if you 
feel compelled to bury yourself in some activity. 
 
At first, it may seem unusual to do this but the more you practice,
believe it or not, the more you learn about yourself and your pain--
and the best ways to heal it and move forward.

Get quiet and listen. Even if you are in a busy office, go to the
restroom, sit in the stall and breathe. 

Do it and keep doing it. If you do this consistently, we're sure 
that you will feel dramatically better and better

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5 signs he isn't over his ex

When you are in a new relationship, it’s natural to wonder about the ex. Does he think about her? If so, how much and is he really over her? These are questions that plague many women.

Perhaps you’d like to know whether or not the ex is still on his mind. There are signs you can look for, that may tell you whether or not he is really over that relationship. Below are a few that will help you in your quest to find out.

He talks about her frequently

This usually means one of two things. Either he is not over her or he isn’t over something that happened between them. Pay attention to how he talks about her. If he does so lovingly, this may be cause for concern. If, on the other hand, her name often comes up when the two of you are talking about a particular issue or situation, chances are he isn’t over what ended the relationship.

If he speaks of her with anger or derision, be wary. The opposite of love is apathy, not hate. If his ex or something she did is still bothering him, he is clearly not over it.

He is still in communication with her

Sometimes it is possible to remain friends with an ex without it being awkward or lines getting blurred. This usually occurs either when the two of them have known one another for a very long time and were friends to begin with, or when the relationship they had was more of a friendship than a romantic endeavour.

Most couples that break up don’t remain friends, so this further communication could most definitely signify a lingering attachment.

He still sees her – and lies to you about it

A huge red flag is if you find out that he is still in contact with or sees her – but doesn't tell you about it. If he is keeping this from you, he obviously feels guilty about it and that is not a good sign.

He accidentally called you by her name

This is a definite sign he was, at the very least thinking of her. It could also mean he is still in contact with her as well. If it happens once, you may be able to blow it off, provided it doesn’t occur in the middle of a romantic situation, but if it occurs more frequently than that, this may pose a problem.

He keeps items that remind him of his ex

While it is common to keep a few things given to you by the ex, holding onto every gift ever given, photographs and text messages could signify an attachment. If he is unwilling to part with things she gave him, you should discuss it to find out why. Also, one or two items may be okay, but several could mean trouble.

The signs listed above could indicate he’s still not over her. Pay attention and approach it with an open mind. Do not make assumptions just because you suspect a few of these signs are present. Instead, take the time to examine all the options.

Your gut instinct will tell you whether or not a real issue is at hand – and in this case the best way to deal with it is to discuss with him honestly, and without being accusing, why you find it hurtful or disrespectful that she’s still a big part of his life.

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Why People Fail To Create The Red Hot Relationship They Want...‏ FREE e-course - DAY 2

Perhaps one of the biggest reasons people fail in creating and
keeping a red hot love relationship is that they quit having fun
together.

As love relationships mature, one of the first things to go by the
wayside is having fun together. The two people usually settle for
watching television or surfing the internet, often by themselves.
They just quit doing the things that used to be fun for them and
they don't even open themselves to new ways to have fun together.

Whether you used to have fun bowling, walking in the woods
together, eating out without the kids, bike-riding, dancing,
watching a funny movie together or any other activity that was fun
for the two of you--if you want a red hot love relationship, start
doing some of those things again.

In order to keep your connection strong, you have to find ways that
bring you joy that you can do as a couple. We're certainly not
saying that you have to do everything as a couple. We are saying
that couples who fail to keep their relationship alive, growing and
yes, hot, usually have quit finding ways to have fun together.

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The 3 Minute Break-Up Pain Stopping Technique

Here's a very simple technique that takes 3 minutes that you can practice anytime you start to feel overwhelmed by your fearful, angry feelings and negative thoughts.

Use this technique when your negative thoughts and feelings are keeping you from functioning in your daily life and you want to shift them to more empowering ones. Negative thoughts and feelings can become a habit but they can also be changed.

1. SIT--Sit in a quiet place. (The bathroom will do).
    

2. SETTLE--Close your eyes, take a few deep breaths, bringing your breath into your feet so that you feel grounded and connected to the earth. Feel yourself slowing down and your breathing deepen. (Maybe 30 seconds)
    

3. AWARENESS--Come into awareness of your negative thoughts in this moment. (What exactly are you thinking? Example: "I’m thinking that I'm a real loser when it comes to relationships.")
    

4. ASK—Ask yourself if you know your negative thoughts to be true—absolutely true. Can you find evidence to the contrary? Chances are you can find somewhere in your life where your thoughts cannot be substantiated.
    

5. ALLOW—Bring your attention to your heart or gut area and feel the sensations in your body. (What are you feeling in your body? Is there tightness, a big knot, emptiness, heaviness?) Allow your sensations to be there without judging them and breathe into that area of the body. (If you feel heavy in your heart area, breathe into that heaviness until the sensation softens. If you felt a knot in your gut area, breathe into that knot until it starts to loosen.)
    

6. REPLACE—Replace the limiting, self-defeating “movie” running in your head to one that is more in alignment with what you want in your life—because the reality is that both outcomes are possible. Run this new movie whenever you feel your negative thoughts coming up in the future. (If you know that your negative thoughts aren’t true but you see yourself alone forever and in pain, replace that "movie" with one that could happen that you'd like much better. See yourself taking your next step in an empowered way instead of the damaging cycle you find yourself in.)

Practice this as many times a day that you need. Keep a copy of it with your phone in case you are tempted to call your ex. Put a copy in your car to remind you to stop yourself before you drive by his or her new living situation.

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Is it Possible to "Agree to Disagree" with Your Partner and Stay Connected?

We've all been there.

You and someone you care deeply about just don't see eye to eye about a particular issue. You may debate with one another and even argue in favor of your perspective, but to no avail.

You and this special someone in your life finally decide to "agree to disagree" about this topic.

It's usually far easier to "agree to disagree" with an extended family member, a friend or a co-worker. After all, quite often you don't live with these people and there is some amount of distance between you that makes this kind of a pseudo-resolution work.

But when you and your partner in a love relationship or marriage have reached the point that neither of you is willing to budge and the only thing you can do is "agree to disagree," disconnection can result.

While it's true you cannot force your mate to believe that your perspective is better and it's inadvisable to simply go along with your partner's plan to "keep the peace," you do need to find a way to communicate about this tricky topic and keep your connection strong.

With an open heart and a willingness to listen, you may find that you and your partner don't have to see eye to eye about everything and you can still stay close.

Joe and Brandy have been through this discussion before and, yet again, it's ended up in a stalemate. Joe thinks that it's time their teenage son start learning to drive.

Although their son is only 14, Joe wants to begin teaching him how to drive-- starting out in parking lots or on rural roads.

Brandy is staunchly against this idea. She's read the statistics of how many teen boys get into car accidents and she would rather their son wait until he's 18 to drive, not 14.

Brandy is willing to consider driving lessons for their son when he's 16, but not a day
sooner!

After going round and round about this, Joe and Brandy have decided to "agree to disagree." The problem is, Joe is beginning to think that he and their son will have to sneak these driving lessons that Joe feels strongly about if they're ever going to happen.

Get to the heart of the matter. 
Whatever it is that you and your partner have "agreed to disagree" about, take some time to get a deeper look at the issue for you. If you feel so strongly about this that you are willing to dig in your heels, it is probably a hot button issue for you!

When you think about this topic, what are your dominant thoughts and feelings? Does this situation remind you of anything that happened in your past?

You might want to write down the observations you make about your thoughts, feelings and recalled memories. These can help you get a better grasp of the dimensions of this issue.

When Brandy takes a deeper look at the question of their son learning to drive at the age of 14, she feels a preponderance of fear. She is fearful about her son getting hurt or hurting others accidentally.

She also realizes that she is fearful and sad about her son getting older and more independent.

Brandy can now see that a part of her wants to delay his growing up as much as she can. While she feels a bit embarrassed by this realization, it is helps Brandy get clearer about her position on the matter.

Don't make it about winning or losing. 
Sometimes when a couple gets stuck in a disagreement, one or both of them is attached to the idea of "winning" the discussion. Although this might not be the conscious thought, it is the compulsion all the same.

Inwardly and honestly reflect on your motivations. If you are wanting to "win" about this disagreement, acknowledge that to yourself.

Simply admitting that you are feeling competitive, defensive or prideful can help you to ease up. You can then begin to re-focus on the actual issue at hand.

If one or both of you is feeling powerless in some way in your relationship, you might feel compelled to "win." Ask yourself what you need in order to feel more powerful and then set aside a separate time when you can make requests of your partner that can help you.

It might also be that you don't feel powerful in your life in general. See what changes you can make in how you view yourself, your abilities and your life in order to make a shift and improve how you are feeling.

Open up to better understand. 
Keep yourself as open as you can when you are communicating with your mate about this topic upon which you two have "agreed to disagree."

This will probably require you to do the inner work we've suggested above so that when you talk about the issue, you are really able to hone in on it.

Joe has realized that "winning" with Brandy-- especially about this topic-- is very important to him. Joe feels like Brandy has lead the way in parenting their children over the years and he'd like to step up and take control in this area.

Remembering the special times he had with his father when he learned how to drive as a teen, Joe wants to create new memories with his own son.

As Joe realizes his deeper feelings about all of this, he is able to loosen up around his position somewhat.

When Joe and Brandy sit down again, they are both feeling less intense about each of their "sides" and they can stay open to truly listen to one another. They feel more confident that they can come up with a resolution and decision that both of them can feel good about.

As you listen to understand your partner and how he or she feels about this particular topic, you won't necessarily come away with a changed mind-- neither will your mate.

What can be different is that you and your partner will each feel listened to and probably better understood. You might realize that what your mate is asking for or suggesting is an idea that has some merit after all.

From this point of feeling heard and better understood, the two of you can make choices while also moving closer together. 

Read more »

When Your Partner Wants "More" and You're Not Sure

Let's say that you have been dating a particular person for a period of time and the relationship has been fun, interesting, passionate and overall quite enjoyable. But now your partner wants more.

He or she has commented to you that it's time to take your relationship to the "next level." Frankly, this suggestion strikes fear and torment in you!

You really care about your partner-- you might even love him or her-- but you don't want to make a change or go to any "next level."

This dynamic can result in a lot of confusion, misunderstanding, hurt feelings and distance. You might see your partner as ruining a good thing by asking for more. Your partner may feel like you are dragging your feet and resisting a deeper commitment.

It might seem that the two of you are very far apart when it comes to what you want for the future of your relationship. And it may even appear that you two have to make a radical decision that could even mean breaking up.

Is it possible for two people who seem to want such different things to remain in a healthy and satisfying relationship? Will one of you have to give in and let go of what you truly desire in order to stay together?

This is a difficult-- and common-- relationship challenge. And these questions can be equally difficult to resolve.

Take heart if you are in such a relationship dilemma. Other people have faced these questions and apparent disagreements and have figured out how to stay together. You can too if that's what you decide to do.

It is possible for your relationship to weather this kind of obstacle as well. In fact, you might find that you two end up closer than before.

Get clear about what you do want. 
When you feel triggered and confused because your partner seems to desire a change that you are not so sure about, it's time for some clarity.

Our first suggestion to you is to stop jumping to conclusions about what this suggestion will mean-- or even about what your partner might be thinking.

Focus in on what you can know for sure; this is what you DO want.

Ask yourself if you want to continue being in a relationship with this person. Think about the agreements that you two might have made so far and feel into yourself to see if those still feel acceptable to you.

What are the changes you might like to make in your relationship?  Please note that we are not asking what changes you'd like your partner to make. What would you like to be different in your relationship?

This can include your own behaviors and habits as well as the way you and your partner interact and communicate.

Overall, how do you feel about this person? Be certain to acknowledge all of your feelings and also what you appreciate.

Get clearer about what your partner wants. 
If you want to stay in this relationship, you probably want there to be a healthy connection between the two of you. You probably want this disagreement about taking your relationship to the "next level" to be resolved in a way that pleases you both.

Another step toward such a resolution is to be clearer about what your partner wants.

When your partner asks for "more" or to move your relationship to the "next level," this might mean something completely different than what you guess it means.

Is he or she talking about getting married? Moving in together? Creating a drawer or space in the bathroom of his or her house for a few of your personal belongings?

It could mean any or none of these things.

Communicate your questions in a way that promotes openness. For example, you might say: "When you tell me that you want more from our relationship, what does that mean to you? Can you tell me more about what you want?" 

Your partner could then give you some specific ideas of what he or she is talking about. Feel free to ask for time to think about what has been requested.

Again, when you ask for time you can choose words that will encourage connection.

For instance, you could reply: "I appreciate you giving me more information about what you want. I care very much about you and our relationship and I will respond to what you are asking. Can we sit down together tomorrow evening after I've had a
chance to process and think more about what you've said?" 

Instead of making assumptions and reacting out of fear, irritation or resistance, get a fuller picture of what you want and what your partner wants. From there, you can more easily see the overlap between what you both desire and choose your next direction from there.

If this type of change still feels overwhelming to you, you can ask your partner to take it one decision at a time. There are almost always options that allow you both to feel satisfied while keeping your connection close. 

Read more »

The Hazards of Breakup Guilt

Jenny feels miserable. She is having a difficult time sleeping, cries easily and feels mostly like hiding away in her apartment.  This all began after her breakup with her long-term boyfriend.

It's all a big surprise to Jenny because breaking up was her idea.  She's the one who told him that their relationship was over. She's the one who packed up, moved out and started a new life...or, at least, is trying to.

If you are the one who broke up with or filed for divorce from your partner, you might be just as shocked as Jenny about how you feel.

Yes, you could be relieved that you are finally free of the angst, drama and emotional pain that possibly was present in your former relationship. You may be certain that breaking up was the best choice to make and yet...

You might also feel guilt.

You may feel guilty about making the choice to end the relationship, guilty about how torn up your ex is about you leaving or guilty about your role in whatever drove a wedge between you two in the first place.

We're here to tell you that guilt is not going to mend your ex's broken heart and it's not going to help you feel better. Guilt is mostly going to keep you stuck in the pain of the past and prevent you from creating the kind of future that you want for yourself.

If you aren't already familiar with the hazards of guilt, here are a few that you may be experiencing: sadness, depression, sleep disturbances, lack of appetite, overeating, tension in existing relationships, mood swings and even physical health problems.

Guilt is never beneficial for you, but it may be what you are feeling. So, how can you make the guilt go away?

Take responsibility and learn from what happened. 
Another interesting thing about guilt is that sometimes it is a way that a person unconsciously avoids taking ownership for his or her actions.

Instead of stepping up and saying, "Yes, I did____ and now I will make amends for that" the person continually focuses in on how guilty he or she is and really doesn't do anything more about it.

Calling yourself a "bad person" or otherwise beating up on yourself out of guilt is not taking responsibility-- it is an avoidance technique.

There may be nothing you can do to make amends to your partner. In fact, there might not even be a reason for you to make amends.  However, you can own your words and actions. You can take responsibility for whatever it is you are feeling so guilty about if this is truly appropriate to do.

This is NOT a suggestion for you to take the blame for why you and your ex-partner broke up. This is NOT advice telling you to try to be responsible for your ex's emotions or well-being.

This IS about you acknowledging that you made the choices you made and deciding if there is anything more you need to do to bring closure to the situation.

The process of taking responsibility for your share in whatever happened between you and your ex may not involve you communicating with him or her-- or it might. Feel into yourself and listen for what you are called to do next.

Be sure that you are really learning from this inner work. If there were specific habits of yours that seemed to be part of what drove you and your ex apart, this is probably something you want to address (and change) before you enter a new relationship.

Deliberately take steps to release the past-- and the guilt. 
Releasing the past is what it's all about. You cannot possibly move past the guilt and past your ended relationship-- complete with its angst, drama and pain-- until you let it all go.

Notice the specific memories or thoughts where you are feeling most stuck. These are most likely the places where you have unresolved business to attend to. This will probably involve you taking ownership for your role in a dynamic and learning from it.

When you feel like you have learned all that you can from this particular incident or tendency in your ended relationship, come up with a specific way that you can release it.

Get creative if that helps. Write a letter about it (whether or not you mail it is not important). Burn a symbol of the incident or habit in your fireplace. Get in a sauna or steam room and "sweat" it out.

Symbolic completion rituals like these can be very effective in helping you let go of whatever is keeping you stuck.

Another very important way to release the past (and the guilt) is to keep yourself focused on the present moment.

Stop fixating on the past and what you "should" have said or done differently. If you've taken responsibility, made amends-- if that was appropriate-- and learned from it, all that's left for you to do is to deliberately bring yourself back to the here and now. 

Read more »

Advice to Help You (Finally) Find Your "Mr. or Ms. Right"

Dana never thought she'd still be single when she was in her mid- 30s. She always figured that, by that time of life, she'd be settled into a great relationship and maybe even married with kids.

This is not what's happened.

Although Dana has been in a few serious love relationships, they've always gone sour at a certain point. These have always reached a place in which Dana could see that this guy was not her "Mr. Right"-- from there, the breakup seemed inevitable.

Now Dana is getting serious. She doesn't want to spend her life alone, or in a string of casual romantic trysts. She has informed her friends that she is making finding her perfect match her top priority.

If you are on the look-out for your "Mr. Right" or "Ms. Right," you might feel similarly. You may feel ready to finally find that perfect match for you. You may even desire to meet up with your soulmate.

Ultimately, you probably want this relationship-- the one that will be passionate, close and long-lasting-- to finally happen!

When what you want most of all is for your perfect match to come into your life and he or she doesn't seem to be coming, it can be frustrating, disheartening and maybe even a little scary.

Stop trying so hard...
Our first advice to anyone who is searching for his or her true love is to ease up a bit.

As you might have encountered in other areas of your life, when you are tense and hyper-focused on a goal, sometimes it seems to refuse to come into fruition. On the other hand, at the moment that you throw up your hands in surrender to whatever the situation is, that sought after thing happens-- and often with relative ease.

This doesn't mean that you should stop wanting to have that great relationship. We certainly encourage you to create an image of how you want to feel in the relationship you are attracting.

Yes, of course, envision that wonderful relationship that you desire.

But after you do that envisioning and imagining, let go. Don't put all of your attention and efforts into finding that perfect match.

Instead, go on about your life.

Stay open and have fun...
Dana still sees attracting a great relationship as a priority-- it's no longer her main or only priority. But she's now made a shift and is not so tensed up and hyper-focused on trying to make her "Mr. Right" come into her life-- she admits that she couldn't force it to happen anyway.

Dana is beginning to choose how she spends her time differently.  Instead of always thinking about where there might be more eligible men to meet and then going to those places or doing those things, Dana is starting to spend more time doing the activities that appeal the most to her.

This is new for her. It's also more fun!

When Dana is out at a bar or club with her friends, she is there to have a good time and laugh-- not necessarily to always be on the look- out for a guy who may or may not be her perfect match.

Although this could sound contradictory, in many many cases, people meet up with their "Mr. or Ms. Right" when they're just out doing what they love to do-- not when they're out intending to meet a mate.

Go to the places and do the activities that are fun and enriching for you. If you aren't sure what those things are, experiment and try new ones.

Allow your "perfect" relationship to unfold and emerge...
Keep in mind that if you're looking for a relationship that is "perfect" in that you and your partner never argue, disagree or become irritated with one another, you're most likely going to be alone and/or disappointed over and over again.

Re-think the whole notion of what a "perfect" relationship could be-- and also what a "Mr. or Ms. Right" could be.

Of course, you are probably looking for a person with whom you feel a certain excitement, passion and mutual respect. But we urge you stay open because you might just be surprised by the "perfect" relationship that unfolds for you, if you let it.

Close, connected and passionate relationships require care and nurturing. Sometimes it can even feel like hard work.

These kinds of relationships are so rewarding and even "perfect" because they involve two people who possibly bumped into one another, liked what developed between them and they choose to stay together because they truly enjoy and want to continue their connection.

If this is the kind of perfect match that you'd like, stay true to who you are and allow yourself to experience life fully-- we bet that the right person for you will emerge

Read more »

Focus on What you Want

No matter what mistakes you feel you 
and your partner have made, challenges you've had or 
problems you've encountered along the way, we hold the 
belief that today is a new day and anything is possible 
from this moment forward. 

Regardless of what has been true up until now about your 
communication challenges, in this moment, you have the 
opportunity to learn to do it differently. 

Whether you're 20, 30, 40, 50 or 80 years old, it's 
never too late to commit to creating ease and flow in 
your communication with other people. 

So, how do you do this? 

Step one is to acknowledge for yourself that there are 
other people who have exactly what you want for your 
life and to adopt the belief that if it's possible for 
someone else, then it's possible for you too. 

Once you begin to believe that yes, other people do 
have what you want and it's also possible for you too, 
then begin focusing on how you want to communicate with 
people and how you want others to communicate with you.

Don't spend time beating yourself up if you fall into 
old patterns that don't serve you or if your 
relationships aren't exactly the way you want them to be. 
It can take time to change lifelong patterns. Simply 
become aware of your pattern, recommit to creating the 
life or relationships that you want--one moment at a time, 
doing your best in each moment. 

If you feel that you must talk to others about your 
disappointments about the way things have been in the 
past, always use the phrase 'up until now..." By using 
the phrase 'up until now...' you are opening your 
heart and mind to possibilities of change within your 
relationships.

Focusing on what you want instead of what you don't 
want in your relationships and in your life does work! 
Shift your thinking and you will see your life 
transform before your eyes.

****************************
1) Remember what you said in the Introduction 
about your communication challenges. Take some time 
now and list those challenges again. Beside each one, 
list some positive ways you are going to focus on 
bringing about change in your life. 





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TIPS for focusing on what you want
1. Write your agreements and how you want your 
communication with others to be on a piece of paper 
and place them where you'll see them several times a 
day as a reminder.

2. Ask for the help of people you trust to make 
those changes as you continue to move toward the love 
and connections that you want with others.

3. If you find your thoughts and actions drifting 
back into old patterns, stop, take three deep breaths, 
shift your thoughts to what you want in life, 
appreciate the other person and recommit to your 
commitments.

Read more »

Communication E-Course--DAY 9‏-Let Go of Judgments, Blame and the Need to be Right

Jennifer was outraged every time she saw anyone who 
wasn't a perfect model of health and fitness. She 
thought she had all the answers about how everyone 
should lose weight, stay healthy and look great. 
She also insisted on telling everyone what they 
should be doing differently in order to meet her 
criteria for being in perfect health and fitness, 
even when they didn't ask or cared. She was critical 
of her body and everyone else's. 

By acting in this way, Jennifer made it nearly 
impossible to connect with anyone in a relationship 
because her judgments built a wall between them.

The same kind of walls are built between people when 
"blame" phrases like "You should have. . .", "You 
could have . . .", "Why didn't you . . .", and "If 
only you'd . . ." are used.

There are many reasons why people blame, judge and 
have the need to be right, especially with an 
intimate partner. Much of it is done unconsciously. 
They may have seen their parents blaming and judging 
and it feels "normal" to them. There might be the 
unconscious or conscious idea that the more I blame, 
judge and prove that I'm right, the more likely he 
or she will change and do what I want.

No matter what reasons we choose to use, fear is at 
the bottom of blaming, judging and the need to be 
right-fear that our needs won't be met, fear that 
we're not enough, fear that you aren't who I want you 
to be so I'll try make you into that person.

We've discovered that pointing a finger outward, 
blaming and judging someone else, allows a person to 
hide from looking inward at themselves and their life. 
One common pattern that we've seen between two people 
is when one person is the criticizer and the other 
person is trying to work hard to get approval, while 
expecting criticism. The important thing to realize 
is that both people are part of the relationship 
challenge, by playing the martyr and/or the victim-
and these roles can shift from moment to moment.

In our view, when you start blaming, judging or 
feeling that you are right and the person is wrong, 
you have two choices: one is to continue to act out 
of fear and entrench yourself as the martyr or victim, 
telling all of your friends or the other person (over 
and over) how he or she is wrong and you are right; 
Or you can begin the healing process by giving up the 
attachment to the need to be "right" and spend your 
time and energy on whatever is necessary to heal the 
relationship. 

If you are being criticized and allowing yourself to 
become the victim, you can either stay stuck or 
decide that you will stop the "dance" that the two 
of you are doing, and begin the healing process. In 
some cases, it may not be possible to heal the 
relationship, but you will heal yourself when you let 
go of blame and grudges.

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Now it's your turn to discover more about blame and 
judgment in your relationships.

1. Describe a situation where blame, judgment 
or the need to be right has created a conflict between 
you and another person. Feel free to include quotes 
from both of you.



2. Think of how you and the other person reacted 
in this situation or any other where blame, judgment 
or the need to be right were present. Do these 
reactions remind you of any other time or situation 
in your past? Is this a familiar pattern to you? If 
it is, describe how this pattern has manifested in 
your life.



3. When blame, judgment or holding onto the need 
to be right is present in your relationships, what 
would help you to come into the present moment and 
bring you out of this pattern so that you are able 
to resolve your differences? 



4. If you have a partner, what can your partner 
do to help you in this process and how can you help 
him or her? If you don't have an intimate partner, 
what can you do to help yourself to become more aware 
and move from these unhealthy patterns?




5. What agreements are you willing to make to 
stop the patterns of blame and judgment? If you are 
with a partner, what agreements are the two of you 
willing to make about this issue?



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TIPS for stopping blame, judgment and the need to be 
right in your relationships:

1) Know and understand that underneath this issue 
is fear. When this issue comes up, go underneath the 
pain of the moment and try to determine what you fear.

2) Identify your pattern of blame, judgment or the 
need to be right.

3) Make an agreement to help each other when blame 
or judgment creeps in between you or if one person is 
trying to "fix" another.

4) Stop your unhealthy behavior by taking 
responsibility and acknowledge what you are doing.

5) Choose a way that would be helpful to you to 
interrupt the pattern and be willing to ask your 
partner or another person for help.

6) It's a good idea to make asking permission to 
interrupt the pattern as part of your agreement.

Read more »

Communication E-Course--DAY 6 - ‏Speak your truth as soon as you know it

Have you seen those big "dust bunnies" that form under 
your bed or any other place in your house that somehow 
get missed by that weekly sweep of the dust mop? The 
formation of "dust bunnies" can be very similar to how 
it is in your relationships when you keep your emotions 
and your truth from the people in your lives.

There are many reasons we allow "dust" to collect in our 
relationships and fear is always at the bottom. One of 
the biggest reasons is we don't want to "rock the boat" or 
shake the status quo by saying what is true for us. 
Although the present situation may not be the best, we 
fear that revealing how we really feel will make it worse. 

What we secretly fear is that our relationship will be 
torn apart by saying what we feel and sharing what's 
important to us.

Most of us don't realize that there can't be a true 
connection with another person without expression of 
truth. What is not expressed to the other person usually 
eventually comes up, in ways that are far more damaging to 
the relationship.

People somehow believe they are being loving when they 
withhold perceived unpleasant information from their 
partner. Not being forthcoming with your feelings is 
living with a lie and can ultimately create a separation 
between the two of you. 

Not speaking your truth as soon as you know it can create 
more problems than you realize because it leads to what 
we call "the Big 3."

These are: Assumptions, Resentments and Guilt. If you 
allow assumptions, resentments and guilt to get out of 
control, you become disconnected from other people which 
leads to emotional or physical separation. 

The reason we make assumptions is that we don't know what 
the people in our lives are thinking, feeling or what's 
important to them. Either they haven't shared their thoughts 
with us or we haven't asked, or maybe both.

Resentments build when we become angry and continue to hold 
onto the anger. As a result, one or both people do not 
speak what they are feeling and their needs are not being 
met.

Guilt becomes a big issue in relationships because we end 
up spending a great deal of emotional energy on "I should 
have told a truth" or something else that is important in 
the relationship. Guilt comes because of "shoulds."

Both of us have had challenges with speaking our truth and 
have had to learn to trust each other in order to open up. 

We've discovered that when you do this in relationships, 
you no longer make assumptions because you know that 
honest communication will prevent any 'dust' from 
accumulating between you. Having the courage to share 
what might tear the relationship apart is very empowering 
and can even be liberating.

So whether you find it difficult to speak your truth because 
you fear hurting your partner, making assumptions about 
your partner, or upsetting or possibly ending your 
relationship, we challenge you to contact your higher 
wisdom now to find out what is holding you back from 
authentic communication.

*********************************
1) What is the single biggest fear that you have in 
speaking your truth in your relationships?



2) What intention or agreement can you make with 
yourself or with your partner concerning speaking your 
truth?



************************

TIPS for speaking your truth
1) Practice the TIPS for feeling your feelings.

2) If you have difficulty feeling your feelings in the 
moment, you may need to give each other space to discover 
those feelings. When this happens to one of us, we always 
set a time when we will discuss the issue again.

3) If you have problems speaking your truth, start 
small. Start with something that is inconsequential like 
choosing a restaurant for a dinner out instead of agreeing 
to go wherever your partner wants to go.

4) Ask for your partner's attention when you want to 
speak, if that's a problem. Turn off the television and 
find a quiet spot.

Read more »

Get rid of your past relationship traumas

Everyone and everything has a history as times weans away. The memories will be good or bad and may fade away as the sickle of time runs its rounds. However in many people's lives their past plays a prominent role, bringing out heartbreaking experiences at some instances. Know how to get rid of your oppressing past and to lead a life of success.

People often remember their past bad experiences at many instances in the present life. Lovers who have suffered the worst experience of rejection may not be able to trust the next person in their lives. It is the same case with lovers who have endured an abusive relationship. They may even have the misconceptions of abuse even when others correct them for genuine mistakes. The most severe cases are those when people come out of relationships that they had forced into. These people may even turn into misogynists who have been denied of the bliss of love forever.

People who had a happier past than their present lives may always crave for their lost glories. They may miss their loved one or the love they had received at most instances. If they are engaged with a new partner, they may often show the tendency to compare him/her with their ex-lover. The feeling that they may never receive the old love and caring will often put them into unhappiness and depressions. This in turn may spoil the happiness of their partners and those around the person too.

The third group of people who are haunted by their past are quite dangerous people. They may often blame their past relations for their imagined unhappiness and would all set to spoil their ex-relations' lives. They may try to bring back the lost happiness in their past by force. These people's obsession with the past will spoil the peace of their loves as well as others' lives.

If you are a person suffering from your past; it is time for you to wake up. You present life may be a better one than the traumas that you had experienced in the past. On the other hand if you want to relive the past happy moments, consider why you had stepped out of those happy moments. You must do this without comparing your present life with the past. Surprisingly you may find that there is factor that prompted you out of those moments that give happiness and zest to your present life.

Always remember that when you succumb to your past, you are damaging your happiness as well as those related to you. Once you get out of a relationship, you must be ready to close the chapter there forever. There is no turning back and you must be brave at heart to face the consequences. Once you are brave at heart, neither your past nor the haunting ghosts from past can haul you to the unnecessary pits of misery.

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Conflict - The 4 Ds

Conflict is a normal and necessary part of life and learning to live with others. Each partner's different expectations and values cause differences to emerge as relationships are built and tested.

As we are all different conflict is bound to happenand most people have conflict of one sort or another in their relationships, whether they live together or apart. A natural result of difference is disagreement.

So although it can be painful and uncomfortable,conflict is a normal and healthy part of relationships; but it can also cause distress and be destructive.

What is conflict usually about?

These are some of the triggers for conflict:

• Affairs and jealousy
• Parenting and becoming a parent
• Finding time for each other
• Friends and family - the in-laws
• Housework
• Money
• Sex and romance
• Work
• Problems with drink or drug abuse

The 4Ds of conflict help us to understand why conflict happens in our relationships and that it can be good and help us understand each other better.

Difference: all of us are intrinsically different in our background, upbringing, personality, feelings, needs and wants. You wouldn't want a relationship without any differences because coming to accept each other's strengths, limitations and vulnerabilities helps a relationship to grow.

Disagreement: disagreement is a natural result of differences, as everyone sees the world differently. You wouldn't want a relationship without disagreement because being able to express views, feelings or needs means that they don't have to be ignored or bottled up.

Debate: if a disagreement is inevitable, then debate about those disagreements is inevitable too. You wouldn't want a relationship without debate because at least acknowledging disagreement can lead to compromise or move couples a step closer to a solution.

Difficult, painful or uncomfortable feelings: emotions are a natural response. It's only the awareness and the subsequent expression of these emotions that you can control. You wouldn't want a relationship without any difficult, painful or uncomfortable feelings because they are a vital sign that something needs sorting out.

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