http://www.bidorbuy.co.za/seller/385266/Beautiful_Things I will ship overseas if you win my items on the auction. Divide ZAR (Rand) value by to get dollar average price.
Showing posts with label relational. Show all posts
Showing posts with label relational. Show all posts
Tuesday, July 5, 2011
Sunday, May 22, 2011
Stop Putting Your Needs Last in Your Love Relationship
Posted by Relationship Dynamo on 10:17 PM
Does it ever seem like you have to choose between making yourself happy and making your partner happy in your relationship?
It might appear to you as if either you or your mate can have your needs met-- but not both of you at the same time. You might reason to yourself that this is just "compromise" or that this is what relationships are all about.
We simply don't agree. In the majority of situations, there is a way for both you and your mate to feel satisfied about a resolution to a particular conflict or disagreement.
It is absolutely possible for you AND your partner to feel like your needs are being met-- even if they are different needs.
You may have developed a habit of putting what you want on the back burner in life. This tendency might come from your desire to please your mate or to not upset the "fragile balance" between the two of you. It might also relate back to lessons about relationships or gender that you learned growing up.
The trouble with consistently and frequently putting your needs last is that you can end up feeling like a martyr in your relationship. You put yourself in the position of essentially sacrificing yourself for the sake of your partner.
This almost always results in you feeling resentful-- even if you try to keep those feelings hidden. In addition to the resentment, you will also probably experience unhappiness and upset because you aren't giving yourself what you need.
You might believe that putting your own needs last is a favor or gift you are giving to your partner, but it's not! When you are depriving yourself by squashing down your own desires, you simply can't be as present and open to your mate as you might otherwise be able to be.
Your love will not be able to flow the way you might want it to in your relationship.
You partner will probably also feel confused and unsure of you. After all, you aren't acting and speaking with integrity when you regularly shove aside your own opinions and desires in favor of his or hers.
This can create an environment of mistrust in which both of you are closed down and distant with one another.
Putting your own needs last is simply not conducive to you having the connected, close relationship you might have been trying to create in the first place.
Stay in touch and aware of what you want.
Get in the habit of tuning in to yourself and to what you want-- not just when it comes to "big" decisions, but in each and every moment.
When you awake in the morning, practice listening to what your inner self is needing. It could be that your body is craving some alone time involving a good book and a warm bath. Or it may be that you really need close, loving touches and physical sharing with your mate.
Take the time to ask yourself how you feel about a particular situation as you are talking with your partner. Allow yourself a few moments (or however long you need) to process what he or she is saying and feel into yourself to become clear about what you would like to have happen next.
You can let your partner know that the pauses you are taking before responding in a conversation mean that you are tuning in to yourself so that what you share is from your heart and well-considered.
Have the courage and patience to stay open.
Just because you make a change and stop putting your own needs last, it doesn't mean you will begin to offer your partner ultimatums or that you will always "get your way."
Once you are clear about what you need, you can cultivate the courage to communicate that need to your mate. And then you can stay open and be patient.
Listen closely to what your partner's needs are and don't reject them just because they seem, at first glance, to be diametrically opposed to what you want. Stick with this open and loving energy.
Look for solutions that you both can feel content with. The decision or outcome that you two make together might not be what you initially expected-- it could be even better.
If your intention is to stay connected AND have your needs met, it is more likely that those win-win solutions will become apparent. Follow through with these need-satisfying plans and celebrate how much closer you and your partner have become in the process.
It might appear to you as if either you or your mate can have your needs met-- but not both of you at the same time. You might reason to yourself that this is just "compromise" or that this is what relationships are all about.
We simply don't agree. In the majority of situations, there is a way for both you and your mate to feel satisfied about a resolution to a particular conflict or disagreement.
It is absolutely possible for you AND your partner to feel like your needs are being met-- even if they are different needs.
You may have developed a habit of putting what you want on the back burner in life. This tendency might come from your desire to please your mate or to not upset the "fragile balance" between the two of you. It might also relate back to lessons about relationships or gender that you learned growing up.
The trouble with consistently and frequently putting your needs last is that you can end up feeling like a martyr in your relationship. You put yourself in the position of essentially sacrificing yourself for the sake of your partner.
This almost always results in you feeling resentful-- even if you try to keep those feelings hidden. In addition to the resentment, you will also probably experience unhappiness and upset because you aren't giving yourself what you need.
You might believe that putting your own needs last is a favor or gift you are giving to your partner, but it's not! When you are depriving yourself by squashing down your own desires, you simply can't be as present and open to your mate as you might otherwise be able to be.
Your love will not be able to flow the way you might want it to in your relationship.
You partner will probably also feel confused and unsure of you. After all, you aren't acting and speaking with integrity when you regularly shove aside your own opinions and desires in favor of his or hers.
This can create an environment of mistrust in which both of you are closed down and distant with one another.
Putting your own needs last is simply not conducive to you having the connected, close relationship you might have been trying to create in the first place.
Stay in touch and aware of what you want.
Get in the habit of tuning in to yourself and to what you want-- not just when it comes to "big" decisions, but in each and every moment.
When you awake in the morning, practice listening to what your inner self is needing. It could be that your body is craving some alone time involving a good book and a warm bath. Or it may be that you really need close, loving touches and physical sharing with your mate.
Take the time to ask yourself how you feel about a particular situation as you are talking with your partner. Allow yourself a few moments (or however long you need) to process what he or she is saying and feel into yourself to become clear about what you would like to have happen next.
You can let your partner know that the pauses you are taking before responding in a conversation mean that you are tuning in to yourself so that what you share is from your heart and well-considered.
Have the courage and patience to stay open.
Just because you make a change and stop putting your own needs last, it doesn't mean you will begin to offer your partner ultimatums or that you will always "get your way."
Once you are clear about what you need, you can cultivate the courage to communicate that need to your mate. And then you can stay open and be patient.
Listen closely to what your partner's needs are and don't reject them just because they seem, at first glance, to be diametrically opposed to what you want. Stick with this open and loving energy.
Look for solutions that you both can feel content with. The decision or outcome that you two make together might not be what you initially expected-- it could be even better.
If your intention is to stay connected AND have your needs met, it is more likely that those win-win solutions will become apparent. Follow through with these need-satisfying plans and celebrate how much closer you and your partner have become in the process.
Monday, May 9, 2011
10 fun and wallet-friendly date ideas
Posted by Relationship Dynamo on 5:21 AM
Tired of the boring dinner and a movie combo? Revitalise your relationship with these fun date ideas, no bank breaking involved!
So you’ve been together for a while and well, quite frankly, your dates have become more drab than fab! Yes, we know that the economy has taken a turn for the worse and everything is just so expensive (blah blah), but getting stuck in a relationship rut is never fun.
Try these 10 ideas!
1. Be amused
Amusement parks are an excellent option if you are looking for a fun date idea. Unleash your inner child and enjoy a full day’s activity, often for less than the price of a fancy dinner!
This is a date that offers something for everyone, whether you enjoy the thrill of rollercoaster rides, shows or simply exploring, you’re sure to find an activity that suits your tastes. Gold Reef City and Ratanga Junction are excellent homegrown options.
2. Play miniature golf
This fun activity gives couples the opportunity to relax and enjoy the game while keeping some friendly competition alive.
Adventure Golf has options in Durban, Cape Town and Johannesburg, and with three games per ticket redeemable for 12 months, it’s a cost effective option too.
3. Visit a video game arcade
These places are filled with all of the latest video games as well as a few old fashioned ones that will remind you of your youth. Just grab some tokens and stay entertained for hours.
You and your date can either complete directly in two-player games or work as a team in other games.
4. Keep it in the community
If you have planned your all-day date for a Saturday, then you will be able to find plenty of fun things to do. Check out your newspaper for flea markets, garage sales and other community events that cost nothing to attend.
You may even find some really great deals on fun and unusual items. See if there are any concerts or plays at local parks, or take in a fun workshop with activities you both enjoy.
5. Pack a picnic
Take a drive in the country, and find a nice place to go for a leisurely walk through the woods, or along a sandy beach. If you’re closer to the city, a botanical garden offers a wonderful backdrop.
Prepare a fun lunch that you and your date can enjoy on a picnic. Make tasty sandwiches, cupcakes and all kinds of other delicious treats that the two of you can eat just about anywhere. Don’t forget to pack a Frisbee or ball to keep you entertained.
6. Exercise your grey matter
Pub quiz nights allow you a chance to enjoy delicious hearty, well-priced, pub fare while you work with your team to answer as many general knowledge questions as possible, often with hilarious results! Prizes often include drinks and bar tabs – score! Check with your favourite local pub when their quiz night is.
7. Go dancing
Many clubs waive the cover charge if you get there early, so head out for some cocktail sundowners and get ready to dance the night away. FTV Cafes and Café Vacca Matta have excellent finger food menus if you’re feeling a bit peckish.
8. Laugh a little
Participating in an improvisation class can be another fun date idea. Many comedy clubs offer these classes during the day. In the class you will be challenged to participate in several games that force you to think on your feet with hilarious consequences. Alternatively visit a comedy club at night and enjoy a laughter-filled evening.
9. Unleash your inner child
Visiting a local playground is another fun date idea. Many adults haven’t been to a playground since they were children and a nostalgic trip can help you to feel young again. Racing each other up the slide and seeing who can swing higher on the swings are fun ways to keep things lighthearted with your partner.
10. Get sporty
Playing a sport such as tennis or soccer is another fun date idea. Bowling or shooting pool are also good options. The physical activity of this date will draw you and your partner closer together.
You will also enjoy the thrill of competition as each of you strives to win the game. Spice things up and let the winner decide exactly what he/she wants the loser to do!
Yes, it’s important to place a high value on your relationship and treasure your partner, but after having a thousand 5-star dinners, even the most refined palate craves a sandwich! Fancy dinners and trips to the theatre are nice but they don’t really allow the couple just to relax and have fun together, and isn’t that what Date Night is all about?
Yes, it’s important to place a high value on your relationship and treasure your partner, but after having a thousand 5-star dinners, even the most refined palate craves a sandwich! Fancy dinners and trips to the theatre are nice but they don’t really allow the couple just to relax and have fun together, and isn’t that what Date Night is all about?
Wednesday, April 13, 2011
Communication E-Course--DAY 6 - Speak your truth as soon as you know it
Posted by Relationship Dynamo on 11:16 PM
Have you seen those big "dust bunnies" that form under
your bed or any other place in your house that somehow
get missed by that weekly sweep of the dust mop? The
formation of "dust bunnies" can be very similar to how
it is in your relationships when you keep your emotions
and your truth from the people in your lives.
There are many reasons we allow "dust" to collect in our
relationships and fear is always at the bottom. One of
the biggest reasons is we don't want to "rock the boat" or
shake the status quo by saying what is true for us.
Although the present situation may not be the best, we
fear that revealing how we really feel will make it worse.
What we secretly fear is that our relationship will be
torn apart by saying what we feel and sharing what's
important to us.
Most of us don't realize that there can't be a true
connection with another person without expression of
truth. What is not expressed to the other person usually
eventually comes up, in ways that are far more damaging to
the relationship.
People somehow believe they are being loving when they
withhold perceived unpleasant information from their
partner. Not being forthcoming with your feelings is
living with a lie and can ultimately create a separation
between the two of you.
Not speaking your truth as soon as you know it can create
more problems than you realize because it leads to what
we call "the Big 3."
These are: Assumptions, Resentments and Guilt. If you
allow assumptions, resentments and guilt to get out of
control, you become disconnected from other people which
leads to emotional or physical separation.
The reason we make assumptions is that we don't know what
the people in our lives are thinking, feeling or what's
important to them. Either they haven't shared their thoughts
with us or we haven't asked, or maybe both.
Resentments build when we become angry and continue to hold
onto the anger. As a result, one or both people do not
speak what they are feeling and their needs are not being
met.
Guilt becomes a big issue in relationships because we end
up spending a great deal of emotional energy on "I should
have told a truth" or something else that is important in
the relationship. Guilt comes because of "shoulds."
Both of us have had challenges with speaking our truth and
have had to learn to trust each other in order to open up.
We've discovered that when you do this in relationships,
you no longer make assumptions because you know that
honest communication will prevent any 'dust' from
accumulating between you. Having the courage to share
what might tear the relationship apart is very empowering
and can even be liberating.
So whether you find it difficult to speak your truth because
you fear hurting your partner, making assumptions about
your partner, or upsetting or possibly ending your
relationship, we challenge you to contact your higher
wisdom now to find out what is holding you back from
authentic communication.
*********************************
1) What is the single biggest fear that you have in
speaking your truth in your relationships?
2) What intention or agreement can you make with
yourself or with your partner concerning speaking your
truth?
************************
TIPS for speaking your truth
1) Practice the TIPS for feeling your feelings.
2) If you have difficulty feeling your feelings in the
moment, you may need to give each other space to discover
those feelings. When this happens to one of us, we always
set a time when we will discuss the issue again.
3) If you have problems speaking your truth, start
small. Start with something that is inconsequential like
choosing a restaurant for a dinner out instead of agreeing
to go wherever your partner wants to go.
4) Ask for your partner's attention when you want to
speak, if that's a problem. Turn off the television and
find a quiet spot.Thursday, February 17, 2011
The psychology of relationships: Relational needs
Posted by Relationship Dynamo on 7:53 AM
Relational needs is a concept which helps us to describe what people want to get out of relating to each other. It is as if someone had sat down and thought about which actions of another person make us feel loved. Relational needs are about contact between people. They are not the basic needs of survival - like food, air or shelter: rather, they are the essential elements of our human relationships which make life worth living. They are about a good quality of life and a sense of self-in-relationship. Relational needs can also be described as the component parts of a universal desire for intimate relationships.
Different theorists have come up with different sets of relational needs, but they all overlap. Some people see them as leftover needs from childhood, others see them as normal needs we all have throughout all of our lives right to the point we die. I agree with the latter view, seeing relational needs as something we never grow out of. However, each individual tends to have some needs that are more important than others, maybe depending on what is left over for them from childhood (for example, they may still be looking for a quality of being in relationship they never got as a child).
The first set of relational needs I want to describe has been defined by the psychoanalyst Heinz Kohut. He wrote about the child's need for twinship, mirroring, and idealization. In twinship he meant that we long to be with someone who we see as similar to ourselves, who shares our experiences, and who we can communicate with. In mirroring he described our need to be with someone who delights in our presence, our actions, feelings, and our simply being alive, and who shows this delight to us in an active way - hence mirroring. This is a wonderful process to watch between adults and babies when both look at each other with beaming smiles, delighting in each other's company.
Finally, Kohut talked about idealization, which is our need to have someone in our lives who we think is bigger than us and who we can go to when things get difficult. Someone who we can trust will "sort it out for us" or simply be there for us as backup. It may be more important for children to have someone to run to with things they can't handle themselves, but even as adults it's still really reassuring to have someone who will be there for us no matter what. This someone may be a real person, a parent, a partner, a friend or a symbolic place, or it could be our own god. This sense that there is someone we can go to, who can help us to deal with things by which we feel overwhelmed, creates security. It means we are not alone with life's vicissitudes.
The second set of relational needs I want to describe are by Richard Erskine and Rebecca Trautmann, two integrative psychotherapists. They have expanded on Kohut's categories and have come up with 7 relational needs.
1 Security
We all have a need to feel safe in relationship with others and to feel free from threats of humiliation and shame. It also means that we have a sense that the other won't attack, engulf or abandon us.
2 Validation
This need is for an unconditional acceptance of our feelings, fantasies and identity by another person. It includes the need to have all our relational needs affirmed and accepted as natural. It gives us a sense of being normal and OK in our own way, and is experienced as an unconditional positive acceptance of who we are. Carl Rogers, the founder of person-centered counseling, saw this as unconditional positive regard as one of three essential prerequisites of therapy.
3 Acceptance by a stable, dependable and protective other person
This is Kohut's need for idealization: the need to have someone in our lives who we trust and who looks out for us. The degree to which an individual looks to someone and hopes that he or she is reliable, consistent, and dependable is directly proportional to their quest for a sense of internal security.
4 Confirmation of personal experience: in other words, a need to find someone who we feel is similar to us
This is Kohut's need for twinship. It can be incredibly affirming to find someone who we feel shares our view of the world, or who has been through experiences similar to those we have had ourselves.
5 Self-definition
The opposite to our need for twinship is our need to feel separate and unique, to be true to ourselves and to be able to show who we really are. Self-definition is the communication of one's self-chosen identity through the expression of preferences, interests and ideas without humiliation or rejection.
6 The need to have an impact on other people
Impact refers to having an influence that affects the other in some desired way. An individual's sense of competency in a relationship emerges from agency and being able to influence others - attracting the other's attention and interest, influencing what may be of interest to the other person, and effecting a change in the other's emotions or behavior. Being able to influence others means we don't feel like we are just thin air or completely unimportant to others.
7 The need to give love
We also have an inbuilt need to give love, which can be expressed through quiet gratitude, thankfulness, giving affection, or doing something for the other person. It is important that these "gifts" are accepted and welcomed, at least in spirit, even if they are not the right thing at the right time for the other person. (Think of a two year old sharing their favorite chocolate cookie with you. Of course the two year old doesn't know you might not like to eat half a chewed cookie that's already been melting in his hand. It's his intention that matters most).
Relationships and Sex
