Will your heart ever heal from your break up?‏

We're here to tell you that you can heal. No matter how
troubling your breakup was, you can feel better, even happy,
again. 

It all starts with a choice and a shift. 

We know that sounds like we're minimizing your pain but
believe us when we say that that's not the case.

We know how painful a break up can be and we also
know that it doesn't feel like a choice--but if you will
bear with us, we'll explain. 

Make the choice to heal.

As simplistic as it may sound, when you make a deliberate
decision to turn toward healing, you can often start feeling
better quicker than you thought possible. 

Sometimes, we cling to our painful thoughts and memories
around the breakup because we are afraid that if we let go
of the agony, we will negate any chance there might be
(especially in our minds) of reuniting. 

On some level you might want nothing more than to just go
back to the way things were...even if you know that breaking
up was for the best--and your partner may have moved on
anyway.

It is understandable that you might feel this way. 

We encourage you to ask yourself this: "Is carrying around
the pain and hurt serving you?"

If it isn't, maybe it's time to make the choice to heal. 

You could write down on a piece of paper an affirmative
statement of your intention to heal. 

For example, you might write: 
"I am ready to feel better and once again turn toward
happiness."

Make a shift. 

Congratulations on making the decision to heal your broken
heart. (*If you still can't make such a choice, be patient
with yourself and keep reading this.)

In order to put your healing into full motion, it's time to
make a shift. 

When you make a shift in the way that you think about
yourself, your ex and the relationship that ended, you can
begin to move toward improvement.

**One powerful way to make a shift toward healing is to
become an observer to your thoughts and beliefs. 

Let's face it. 

When you think to yourself something like, "I will never
find love again," it is your thought that is causing you
fear and sadness, not necessarily the reality of your life. 

After all, you simply can't know what the future holds for
you. 

Get into the habit of paying attention to what you are
thinking and believing. 

When a particular thought becomes fixed in your mind,
question that thought or belief the way that someone outside
your situation might do. 

You could start out by asking yourself, "Do I know ________ 
to be absolutely true?" 

Many times, realizing that what you are believing is not
necessarily accurate or true can help loosen the grip that
the painful thought seems to have over you. 

**Another way to make a shift toward healing is to broaden
your view of your own life. 

For many people, the pain of a broken heart can eclipse
everything else going on in life. 

Without being judgmental of yourself, start to look around
at the other people and things in your everyday world.

Are there friends or family members who you could devote
more time to? Perhaps there are projects at home, work or
related to a hobby that you haven't attended to lately. 

What is already present in your life that you couldn't
previously see because you were so focused in on the
breakup? 

Be gentle with yourself and don't force things. But, begin
to look up from your intense feelings and see what you see. 

Follow your heart and your interests and expand what you are
focused upon. 

We aren't for one minute suggesting that you should stuff
down the sadness, grief or anger that you might be feeling
about the breakup. 

Instead, we are urging you to feel what you are feeling and
then bring yourself back to the people, places and things
that are waiting for you right here and now. 

Read more »

4 Ways To Deal With Upsets, Anger and Anything Else

We've all experienced this at one time or another. Something happens, and we completely overreact.

We get upset, defensive and irritable and we don't
even want to (or can't) listen to what our partner is
saying.
Even though we just want to make him or her hear
and understand how we feel, we come off as
demanding and angry.
The last thing we want to do in that moment is to
understand where our partner is coming from, or
what he or she is going through.
Our partner has pushed a button and our automatic
response goes something like this...
"You hurt my feelings, it's not right and I'm going
to let you have it!"
We all do this but unfortunately when this happens
it never brings the two of you closer.
In fact, it brings more tension, stress and a lot of
unresolved conflict.
Here's a "button-pushing" scenario from our own
lives and what we did about it...

Several years ago, we'd get into conflict when
Otto had a particularly "uppity, sarcastic, superior"
(Susie's words) tone in his voice when he talked
to her on occasion.

Susie's anger button would be pushed big time and
of course, she had her own way of pushing
Otto's anger button.

Instead of expressing her anger in a healthy way,
she would come back with some sarcastic remark
that didn't have anything to do with what he was
saying.

His tone of voice said to her...(in her mind)

"I don't respect you"
"You are stupid"
"You just don't get this"

And any connection would be all over between
the two of us.

You can guess that after Susie came back with
a sarcastic, superior remark, Otto would really
get angry.

And so it went until we figured out how to stop
pushing each other's buttons in this way.

Does any of this sound even a little bit familiar
to you?

We're betting that even though you may not
have this particular way of pushing each other's
buttons, you have ways that are equally deadly
to your relationship. Maybe it's not the tone of voice you use with
each other but it might be what's NOT said
and what you imagine is happening.

Maybe it's that almost everything you say to
one another ends up being fodder for a fight.
Maybe it's that you've grown apart and you
desperately want to do something to bring
the two of you back together but everything
you try turns out wrong--and you're growing
further apart.

But...
Here's the thing about triggers...
No matter what triggers you and what triggers
your partner, you can change how you relate
to one another and how you deal with the
conflict so that it is no longer a big problem
for you in your relationship.
So, what did we do about this particular "button-
pushing" dynamic?
Susie learned to stop herself from putting a
particular meaning (her story about what
Otto's tone of voice meant) on what he was
saying--and listen instead to his words.
Here are the steps she used and you can
use also when you're triggered about
something your partner says or does...
1. Notice that you've been triggered and
acknowledge it to yourself that you've been
grabbed by something.
2. Notice what story you're telling yourself
at that moment. In Susie's case, it was
"Otto thinks I'm stupid and he doesn't
respect me."
The truth is that she didn't know what
he was thinking in that moment or what his
particular tone of voice meant.
(It might have meant that he was frustrated
and not with Susie--which was usually what it
turned out to be.)
3. Stop yourself from reacting in your old,
familiar way. If you say something back that's
sarcastic or you completely withdraw and
close down from your partner, notice that
that's what you want to do but DON'T DO
IT.
We know that it takes a lot of courage to
stop doing what's become automatic--but
know that with a little practice you can do
it.
4. Change your story and listen to your
partner.
Susie's new story is that Otto's may not
be angry with her and she'll just listen to
what he has to say.
You can change your story by just looking
at whatever else could be just as true in
this situation and telling yourself that story.
Otto used a similar process as well.
 
These steps are how we started unraveling
our particular "button-pushing" dance that
could have left a lot of unresolved conflict
between us.
And this unresolved conflict could have
destroyed the closeness, connection and
passion that we so love about our relationship.

Read more »

5 signs he isn't over his ex

When you are in a new relationship, it’s natural to wonder about the ex. Does he think about her? If so, how much and is he really over her? These are questions that plague many women.

Perhaps you’d like to know whether or not the ex is still on his mind. There are signs you can look for, that may tell you whether or not he is really over that relationship. Below are a few that will help you in your quest to find out.

He talks about her frequently

This usually means one of two things. Either he is not over her or he isn’t over something that happened between them. Pay attention to how he talks about her. If he does so lovingly, this may be cause for concern. If, on the other hand, her name often comes up when the two of you are talking about a particular issue or situation, chances are he isn’t over what ended the relationship.

If he speaks of her with anger or derision, be wary. The opposite of love is apathy, not hate. If his ex or something she did is still bothering him, he is clearly not over it.

He is still in communication with her

Sometimes it is possible to remain friends with an ex without it being awkward or lines getting blurred. This usually occurs either when the two of them have known one another for a very long time and were friends to begin with, or when the relationship they had was more of a friendship than a romantic endeavour.

Most couples that break up don’t remain friends, so this further communication could most definitely signify a lingering attachment.

He still sees her – and lies to you about it

A huge red flag is if you find out that he is still in contact with or sees her – but doesn't tell you about it. If he is keeping this from you, he obviously feels guilty about it and that is not a good sign.

He accidentally called you by her name

This is a definite sign he was, at the very least thinking of her. It could also mean he is still in contact with her as well. If it happens once, you may be able to blow it off, provided it doesn’t occur in the middle of a romantic situation, but if it occurs more frequently than that, this may pose a problem.

He keeps items that remind him of his ex

While it is common to keep a few things given to you by the ex, holding onto every gift ever given, photographs and text messages could signify an attachment. If he is unwilling to part with things she gave him, you should discuss it to find out why. Also, one or two items may be okay, but several could mean trouble.

The signs listed above could indicate he’s still not over her. Pay attention and approach it with an open mind. Do not make assumptions just because you suspect a few of these signs are present. Instead, take the time to examine all the options.

Your gut instinct will tell you whether or not a real issue is at hand – and in this case the best way to deal with it is to discuss with him honestly, and without being accusing, why you find it hurtful or disrespectful that she’s still a big part of his life.

Read more »

The 3 Minute Break-Up Pain Stopping Technique

Here's a very simple technique that takes 3 minutes that you can practice anytime you start to feel overwhelmed by your fearful, angry feelings and negative thoughts.

Use this technique when your negative thoughts and feelings are keeping you from functioning in your daily life and you want to shift them to more empowering ones. Negative thoughts and feelings can become a habit but they can also be changed.

1. SIT--Sit in a quiet place. (The bathroom will do).
    

2. SETTLE--Close your eyes, take a few deep breaths, bringing your breath into your feet so that you feel grounded and connected to the earth. Feel yourself slowing down and your breathing deepen. (Maybe 30 seconds)
    

3. AWARENESS--Come into awareness of your negative thoughts in this moment. (What exactly are you thinking? Example: "I’m thinking that I'm a real loser when it comes to relationships.")
    

4. ASK—Ask yourself if you know your negative thoughts to be true—absolutely true. Can you find evidence to the contrary? Chances are you can find somewhere in your life where your thoughts cannot be substantiated.
    

5. ALLOW—Bring your attention to your heart or gut area and feel the sensations in your body. (What are you feeling in your body? Is there tightness, a big knot, emptiness, heaviness?) Allow your sensations to be there without judging them and breathe into that area of the body. (If you feel heavy in your heart area, breathe into that heaviness until the sensation softens. If you felt a knot in your gut area, breathe into that knot until it starts to loosen.)
    

6. REPLACE—Replace the limiting, self-defeating “movie” running in your head to one that is more in alignment with what you want in your life—because the reality is that both outcomes are possible. Run this new movie whenever you feel your negative thoughts coming up in the future. (If you know that your negative thoughts aren’t true but you see yourself alone forever and in pain, replace that "movie" with one that could happen that you'd like much better. See yourself taking your next step in an empowered way instead of the damaging cycle you find yourself in.)

Practice this as many times a day that you need. Keep a copy of it with your phone in case you are tempted to call your ex. Put a copy in your car to remind you to stop yourself before you drive by his or her new living situation.

Read more »

Create Agreements that Will Make Life with Your Woman Easier...and Sexier Too!

 Stephen is trying to be patient with his wife, but it's been tough lately. It seems like sarcasm, snide comments and full-blown arguments are happening more and more frequently. 

The tension that's coming between Stephen and his wife revolves around money issues. A couple of years ago, Stephen started his own business. He is really enjoying the challenge and has had some successes along the way, but the business is still not solid and profitable yet.

Stephen is convinced that, given a little more time, his business will be highly lucrative for him and his family too. His wife is not so sure.

She is stressed out most of the time and pours over the numbers for the household and his business everyday. She wants him to look for what she calls a "real job."

They can't seem to find any semblance of agreement on this and the tension has spilled over into the bedroom too. Stephen can't remember the last time that he and his wife made love with one another-- or laughed together either.

In any love relationship or marriage, there can come a time when you and your partner face an issue that you simply don't see eye-to-eye about. You might each work very hard to convince the other how much sense your position is, but this only seems to solidify the opposition.

For you and your woman, the issue that seems to be driving a wedge between you might be money. Or, it could be something else like flirting, jealousy, lying, intimacy, sex or decisions involving your kids.

In many cases, it really matters less what the actual issue is than the way that this disagreement seems to be intensifying and tearing you two apart.

One way to bring some ease to a difficult and contentious situation is to create agreements about it.

The agreement that you reach and follow can lessen the tension and help you both know what you each expect in regard to this tricky topic. The process of creating the agreement can be a way that you two start to move closer together again as you both share and listen and try to understand one another's positions.

As you probably already know, frequent arguing, bickering and stress can be a big turn off. Your woman may be less in the mood to make love with you when there is an unresolved issue.

On the other hand, when you create an agreement and find some level of resolution about the issue, you're both most likely going to be more open to sex.

Creating agreements that are clear, fair and follow-able are a great way to move closer to not only a resolution about this difficult issue, but also to most closer to one another.

Propose clear and specific agreements.
Come to a conversation about this topic with your woman with a clear idea of what you really want. Too often, things can become muddy or distracted when either or both people are triggered and already upset.

You could suggest to your partner that you two create an agreement and then start things off with a proposal that addresses your priorities and core desire. Be open-- and let her know that you are open-- to modifications to this proposal.

Stephen, for example, sits down with his wife and proposes that they give his business another 9 months to grow. He suggests that at the end of the 9 months, they sit down together and assess whether this is something that is feasible to continue.

Be aware if you lay out your suggested agreement as more of an ultimatum or demand. This is NOT what we're going for. Demanding that your partner do things "your way" is very different from an agreement.

There might be a time when you feel so strongly about your position that you are willing to literally leave if things do not change the way you want them to. One example of this may be if your woman is having an affair and you are ready to end the relationship if she doesn't stop the cheating.

An agreement, on the other hand, is collaborative, flexible and a way to re-connect with your partner.

Incorporate her ideas too. 
After you've proposed the agreement that you had in mind, now it's your woman's turn to contribute. Remind yourself that giving her the space to fully consider what you've suggested and then really listening to what she wants is NOT going to undermine your priorities and what you want.

Don't interrupt her and don't reject her contributions to the agreement as she states them.

Take the time to feel into yourself.  What are the changes, additions or deletions to your proposal that you are most willing to accept? What exactly don't you like about
her specific ideas that you feel resistant to?

Ideally, creating an agreement is a process that is done over the course of a few (more or less) conversations. Give yourselves the time to really understand what each wants and also the time to be clear about why you are open to some things and closed to others.

Set up an agreement that you BOTH will actually follow and feel good
about.
When your ideas and your woman's ideas overlap-- or come close to it-- make that part of your agreement. It can provide positive momentum when you notice and appreciate these places of alignment-- even if they seem small or less significant.

Build on that momentum and come up with some kind of agreement that you both can reasonably follow and feel okay about too.

The long-term success of an agreement is in its being created in an environment of honesty and openness. When you do your best to keep it honest, open and collaborative, you're more likely to feel closer to your woman in the process. 

Read more »

Is it Possible to "Agree to Disagree" with Your Partner and Stay Connected?

We've all been there.

You and someone you care deeply about just don't see eye to eye about a particular issue. You may debate with one another and even argue in favor of your perspective, but to no avail.

You and this special someone in your life finally decide to "agree to disagree" about this topic.

It's usually far easier to "agree to disagree" with an extended family member, a friend or a co-worker. After all, quite often you don't live with these people and there is some amount of distance between you that makes this kind of a pseudo-resolution work.

But when you and your partner in a love relationship or marriage have reached the point that neither of you is willing to budge and the only thing you can do is "agree to disagree," disconnection can result.

While it's true you cannot force your mate to believe that your perspective is better and it's inadvisable to simply go along with your partner's plan to "keep the peace," you do need to find a way to communicate about this tricky topic and keep your connection strong.

With an open heart and a willingness to listen, you may find that you and your partner don't have to see eye to eye about everything and you can still stay close.

Joe and Brandy have been through this discussion before and, yet again, it's ended up in a stalemate. Joe thinks that it's time their teenage son start learning to drive.

Although their son is only 14, Joe wants to begin teaching him how to drive-- starting out in parking lots or on rural roads.

Brandy is staunchly against this idea. She's read the statistics of how many teen boys get into car accidents and she would rather their son wait until he's 18 to drive, not 14.

Brandy is willing to consider driving lessons for their son when he's 16, but not a day
sooner!

After going round and round about this, Joe and Brandy have decided to "agree to disagree." The problem is, Joe is beginning to think that he and their son will have to sneak these driving lessons that Joe feels strongly about if they're ever going to happen.

Get to the heart of the matter. 
Whatever it is that you and your partner have "agreed to disagree" about, take some time to get a deeper look at the issue for you. If you feel so strongly about this that you are willing to dig in your heels, it is probably a hot button issue for you!

When you think about this topic, what are your dominant thoughts and feelings? Does this situation remind you of anything that happened in your past?

You might want to write down the observations you make about your thoughts, feelings and recalled memories. These can help you get a better grasp of the dimensions of this issue.

When Brandy takes a deeper look at the question of their son learning to drive at the age of 14, she feels a preponderance of fear. She is fearful about her son getting hurt or hurting others accidentally.

She also realizes that she is fearful and sad about her son getting older and more independent.

Brandy can now see that a part of her wants to delay his growing up as much as she can. While she feels a bit embarrassed by this realization, it is helps Brandy get clearer about her position on the matter.

Don't make it about winning or losing. 
Sometimes when a couple gets stuck in a disagreement, one or both of them is attached to the idea of "winning" the discussion. Although this might not be the conscious thought, it is the compulsion all the same.

Inwardly and honestly reflect on your motivations. If you are wanting to "win" about this disagreement, acknowledge that to yourself.

Simply admitting that you are feeling competitive, defensive or prideful can help you to ease up. You can then begin to re-focus on the actual issue at hand.

If one or both of you is feeling powerless in some way in your relationship, you might feel compelled to "win." Ask yourself what you need in order to feel more powerful and then set aside a separate time when you can make requests of your partner that can help you.

It might also be that you don't feel powerful in your life in general. See what changes you can make in how you view yourself, your abilities and your life in order to make a shift and improve how you are feeling.

Open up to better understand. 
Keep yourself as open as you can when you are communicating with your mate about this topic upon which you two have "agreed to disagree."

This will probably require you to do the inner work we've suggested above so that when you talk about the issue, you are really able to hone in on it.

Joe has realized that "winning" with Brandy-- especially about this topic-- is very important to him. Joe feels like Brandy has lead the way in parenting their children over the years and he'd like to step up and take control in this area.

Remembering the special times he had with his father when he learned how to drive as a teen, Joe wants to create new memories with his own son.

As Joe realizes his deeper feelings about all of this, he is able to loosen up around his position somewhat.

When Joe and Brandy sit down again, they are both feeling less intense about each of their "sides" and they can stay open to truly listen to one another. They feel more confident that they can come up with a resolution and decision that both of them can feel good about.

As you listen to understand your partner and how he or she feels about this particular topic, you won't necessarily come away with a changed mind-- neither will your mate.

What can be different is that you and your partner will each feel listened to and probably better understood. You might realize that what your mate is asking for or suggesting is an idea that has some merit after all.

From this point of feeling heard and better understood, the two of you can make choices while also moving closer together. 

Read more »

Focus on What you Want

No matter what mistakes you feel you 
and your partner have made, challenges you've had or 
problems you've encountered along the way, we hold the 
belief that today is a new day and anything is possible 
from this moment forward. 

Regardless of what has been true up until now about your 
communication challenges, in this moment, you have the 
opportunity to learn to do it differently. 

Whether you're 20, 30, 40, 50 or 80 years old, it's 
never too late to commit to creating ease and flow in 
your communication with other people. 

So, how do you do this? 

Step one is to acknowledge for yourself that there are 
other people who have exactly what you want for your 
life and to adopt the belief that if it's possible for 
someone else, then it's possible for you too. 

Once you begin to believe that yes, other people do 
have what you want and it's also possible for you too, 
then begin focusing on how you want to communicate with 
people and how you want others to communicate with you.

Don't spend time beating yourself up if you fall into 
old patterns that don't serve you or if your 
relationships aren't exactly the way you want them to be. 
It can take time to change lifelong patterns. Simply 
become aware of your pattern, recommit to creating the 
life or relationships that you want--one moment at a time, 
doing your best in each moment. 

If you feel that you must talk to others about your 
disappointments about the way things have been in the 
past, always use the phrase 'up until now..." By using 
the phrase 'up until now...' you are opening your 
heart and mind to possibilities of change within your 
relationships.

Focusing on what you want instead of what you don't 
want in your relationships and in your life does work! 
Shift your thinking and you will see your life 
transform before your eyes.

****************************
1) Remember what you said in the Introduction 
about your communication challenges. Take some time 
now and list those challenges again. Beside each one, 
list some positive ways you are going to focus on 
bringing about change in your life. 





****************************
TIPS for focusing on what you want
1. Write your agreements and how you want your 
communication with others to be on a piece of paper 
and place them where you'll see them several times a 
day as a reminder.

2. Ask for the help of people you trust to make 
those changes as you continue to move toward the love 
and connections that you want with others.

3. If you find your thoughts and actions drifting 
back into old patterns, stop, take three deep breaths, 
shift your thoughts to what you want in life, 
appreciate the other person and recommit to your 
commitments.

Read more »

Trust, Communication and Their Challenges in Relationships...

If communication is a challenge for you right now in your relationships, 
one of the biggest issues may be a lack of trust. 

If trust is an issue for you in your relationships and in your life, 
we don't have to tell you how painful it is.

Trust is the one quality that a relationship simply can't survive without. 
If you don't have trust, then you'll put a question mark in front of 
everything your partner says. You'll doubt their love. You'll harbor 
unhealed resentments which get in the way of clear communication. 

In short, if for whatever reason you can't trust no matter how hard you 
try, you'll keep your partner at a distance and not let them get too close 
to you which most likely will impact your communication with them. 

Sometimes people who have trouble communicating tell us things like... "I 
don't know why I can't talk to my husband. He hasn't done anything to 
deserve my mistrust," "I just can't seem to open up to my partner no 
matter what I do," "I'm always saying the wrong thing and I simply don't 
know how to talk with her anymore," and finally "I don't know how to deal 
with her lies anymore." 

What we've discovered is that no one is born with communication or trust 
issues. They are created from real or imagined fears about what may or may 
not be happening in their relationships. 

If there are trust issues and communication is difficult, one or both of 
the following explanations are usually underneath them:

1. The person is in a relationship with someone who has violated trust in 
some way and maybe even continues to violate it.

2. The person has had trust violated in past relationships and has created 
real fears in the present moment about events and circumstances that may 
or may not be happening in their current relationship.

The paradox of trust issues is that in order to heal trust, you have to be 
willing to open your heart and take conscious, intelligent risk. Most 
people who struggle with this issue have felt pain that is so great that 
they have shut themselves off from opening their hearts again. It's very 
difficult for them to move past this point.

Here are a few suggestions for "Creating Relationship Trust" 
that may help you begin to trust again and improve your communication:

1. Pay attention to the fears you are feeling, honor those feelings while 
discovering whether there is any truth to your fears.

2. We all tell stories to ourselves about everything in our lives. If you 
are telling yourself untrue stories about what is or may be happening, 
then stop yourself. Begin to trust in yourself that you can change the 
stories you tell yourself about your life or your relationships. 

3. Ask yourself this question-"Is my reaction really about what's 
happening right now?" If your answer is yes, then have the courage to deal 
honestly with your situation. If your answer is no, then have the courage 
to stop yourself from creating separation and distance by saying and doing 
things that will harm your relationship.

4. Keep in mind that learning to trust others starts with you. If there 
are blatantly untrustworthy people in your life right now, then you are 
being asked to look at yourself and discover how you can heal from your 
past. If you make up stories about people who are really trustable, you 
are still called to begin a healing process.

Please know that no matter what has happened in your relationships up 
until now that trust can be built and it CAN be rebuilt if it's been 
broken. 

Read more »

Communication E-Course--DAY 5‏ - Stay in the Present Moment

Has this ever happened to you? Somebody says something to 
you that immediately triggers negativity that seems to be 
an overblown reaction to the situation. You don't have a 
clue why you are so upset and you wonder just where that 
feeling came from. Your reaction may be to lash out at the 
other person or withdraw emotionally and/or physically.

Tony Robbins would call this a 'negative anchor'--something 
that is said or something that is experienced that you 
consciously or unconsciously associate with a previous 
negative event. 

We've discovered that what's really going on, in cases like 
this, is that you have been pulled out of the present moment. 
Whether you're conscious of it or not something triggered you 
to go into a behavior pattern that you have gone into many 
times before. This potentially destructive pattern is probably 
something you aren't aware of in the moment. It may or may 
not be familiar to you, but in any case, it probably doesn't 
serve you or your relationships in a positive way. 


What most of us do when communication gets difficult...

You've probably heard the words "fight, flight or freeze" 
many times before. For most of us, being familiar with these 
words still doesn't stop us from going into one of these 
patterns when we find ourselves in difficult situations.

We've learned that most people go into 'fight, flight or 
freeze' to protect themselves from painful feelings that 
are difficult or impossible to experience at the time they 
are happening. But, the problem is many people get stuck 
in this pattern, repeating it over and over, when it is no 
longer necessary. 

These three defense mechanisms are useful sometimes in our 
lives, but if you want to begin the healing process and 
create close, connected, alive relationships, you have to 
be willing to explore what you are feeling and have the 
courage to change this reaction.

We think that the goal is to be so conscious and aware of 
what we are feeling that when we get triggered by what 
someone says or does, we are able to simply recognize and 
express what we are feeling without fear, judgment or blame 
and without jumping into past patterns. 

Fight, Flight or Freeze can manifest in a number of 
different ways. All three of these reactions stem from the 
fear that your wants and needs won't be met. For example, 
fighting doesn't necessarily mean putting on the gloves and 
throwing things at each other. 

Fighting can mean holding on to the need to be right, staying 
stuck in your anger, or holding on to the desire for 
validation and to be understood. It can also mean yelling 
and physically lashing out. Fighting is holding your ground 
with your "rightness" no matter what. 

Fleeing (flight) doesn't only mean running away physically. 
It most often manifests as withdrawing emotionally to protect 
yourself so you won't have to speak or feel painful feelings 
and emotions. Fleeing can be turning on the television, 
eating or going to visit a friend instead of dealing with 
the situation. When you flee or run from what's going on 
emotionally or physically, the issues are there and won't 
go away until you come back and deal with them. 

Freezing means getting stuck and not being able to move 
from the impasse of the situation. It can also mean 
shutting down emotionally so you won't feel the pain of an 
unpleasant situation. Very often we freeze because we don't 
know what to do next, don't have the confidence in our 
abilities or in ourselves, or have the belief that our life 
situation will be different beyond this moment. Many people 
who are frozen and are feeling stuck in their situations have 
adopted the belief that it's better to deal with the devil 
you know than the devil you don't know. Because of this, 
they stay stuck right where they are in situations they are 
unhappy with and which do not serve them.

When you find yourself reacting in one of those three ways 
with the people in your life, stop your normal pattern and 
reaction. Take a few moments to recognize what it is you're 
thinking and feeling. Come into the present moment, allow 
yourself to feel your feelings and express them if 
appropriate to do so. 

No matter how much fighting, fleeing, or freezing seems to 
be serving you in the moment, the undeniable truth is that 
when you are stuck in any of these patterns, it is impossible 
to communicate from your heart with the people in your life.

We've discovered that one of the best ways to move from 
these patterns is to come into the present moment. 

One way you can tell if you're not in the present moment, 
is if you've got a lot of mental chatter going on in your 
mind. Mental chatter can come in many forms, like judging 
others and yourself, living in the past or making 
assumptions about the future. Whatever form it takes, 
your mental chatter blocks you from hearing and understanding 
others and allows very little chance for true connection 
with yourself and with other people. 

****************************
Here's an exercise to help you to gain a better 
understanding of how these patterns work in your life. 

Close your eyes and feel yourself in a situation where you 
have been in a fight, flight or freeze pattern. Just feel 
what happens in your body. Tune into yourself and feel what 
you are feeling right now, where you are feeling it and 
breathe into that place within yourself. Keep breathing 
until you feel the feeling soften and the pattern leaving. 
Bring yourself into the present moment and acknowledge that 
you have used this pattern for your protection in the past 
but maybe it doesn't serve you any longer. Write your 
experience here.




Answer the following questions for further self-discovery 
about staying in the present moment:

1. Which of these patterns do you most frequently go 
into and how does it manifest in your daily life?




2. What agreement can you make with yourself or with 
another person about staying in the present moment and 
healing your fight, flight or freeze patterns?




*********************************

TIPS for coming into the present moment
1) Practice the Tips for feeling your feelings in the 
previous lesson.

2) Focus on what's happening right here, right now--with 
the person who is in front of you.

3) Notice if your reaction to the situation seems 
overblown and much more intense that you think the situation 
warrants.

4) Ask yourself if this situation reminds you of anything 
that has happened in the past with this person or another 
person.

5) If yes, this may be a pattern that you need to heal 
within yourself by doing some forgiveness work, letting go 
of past resentments or setting boundaries in your personal 
life.

6) If you experience mental chatter that blocks you 
from communicating to connect with other people, practice 
taking 1 or 2 minute breaks throughout the day. Take a break 
from all of the projects and chaos in your life. Quiet your 
mind and concentrate on your breathing. Slow your breathing 
down and allow thoughts to float by without being attached 
to them. You've probably heard this before, but this time 
actually try it for at least one day. If you do, you will 
notice a calmness and a sense of presence that you haven't 
had before.


******************
A common complaint that many people share with us is that 
they are having a great deal of difficulty communicating 
with a partner who has shut down emotionally. He or she 
is almost certainly locked in "fight, flight or freeze."
Here are some ideas to help you and your partner move from 
these patterns and create a more loving relationship:

TIPS for improving communication with a partner who is 
locked in "fight, flight or freeze" and emotionally shut 
down

1) Find a way to let your partner know that you are 
their friend and not the enemy.

2) Explain what you are seeing, feeling and thinking 
and experiencing in the moment without judging. One way 
you might be able to do this is compare and contrast these 
feelings with how you felt when the two of you were 
communicating at your best and when you were truly happy. 
Share with your partner specific differences that you can 
point out between then and what's happening in this moment. 
Make sure that you admit that you have contributed to these 
changes in your relationship. Realize that there are probably 
some resentments and painful truths between both of you that 
have to be unearthed before this can be resolved.

3) Understand that if your partner has shut down 
emotionally, chances are that both of you are acting in 
ways that keep this behavior going. Admitting your patterns 
may open the door for a new dialog between the two of you.

4) If your partner refuses to admit there is a problem 
and remains closed to you for an extended period of time, 
we recommend seeking the help of a trained professional.

Read more »

Conflict - The 4 Ds

Conflict is a normal and necessary part of life and learning to live with others. Each partner's different expectations and values cause differences to emerge as relationships are built and tested.

As we are all different conflict is bound to happenand most people have conflict of one sort or another in their relationships, whether they live together or apart. A natural result of difference is disagreement.

So although it can be painful and uncomfortable,conflict is a normal and healthy part of relationships; but it can also cause distress and be destructive.

What is conflict usually about?

These are some of the triggers for conflict:

• Affairs and jealousy
• Parenting and becoming a parent
• Finding time for each other
• Friends and family - the in-laws
• Housework
• Money
• Sex and romance
• Work
• Problems with drink or drug abuse

The 4Ds of conflict help us to understand why conflict happens in our relationships and that it can be good and help us understand each other better.

Difference: all of us are intrinsically different in our background, upbringing, personality, feelings, needs and wants. You wouldn't want a relationship without any differences because coming to accept each other's strengths, limitations and vulnerabilities helps a relationship to grow.

Disagreement: disagreement is a natural result of differences, as everyone sees the world differently. You wouldn't want a relationship without disagreement because being able to express views, feelings or needs means that they don't have to be ignored or bottled up.

Debate: if a disagreement is inevitable, then debate about those disagreements is inevitable too. You wouldn't want a relationship without debate because at least acknowledging disagreement can lead to compromise or move couples a step closer to a solution.

Difficult, painful or uncomfortable feelings: emotions are a natural response. It's only the awareness and the subsequent expression of these emotions that you can control. You wouldn't want a relationship without any difficult, painful or uncomfortable feelings because they are a vital sign that something needs sorting out.

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