Is it time?

HI All

Wow it's been what feels like a life time since I last posted on here. Think it's time I revive this blog. Keep reading for an update on what's been going on and maybe I'll include some writing from a more personal perspective. That could prove quite interesting............

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Depressed after your breakup? Here's some good advice...

When you watch television or read a magazine, it's hard to
miss the many ads for prescription medications used to treat
depression. 

As you hear the symptoms of depression listed on air or the
magazine page, you might begin to wonder if your broken
heart pain has turned into full-blown clinical depression. 

This is a valid concern. If you are depressed, it is
important that you obtain the help you need to move through
this difficult time. 

However, rushing to your doctor to get a prescription for
depression medication does not necessarily have to be your
next step. 

We don't want you to take risks with your mental health and
we are not trained to diagnose depression or any other
medical condition. 

We do want to share with you some information that can help
you find greater ease and that you can use to make the best
decisions about your present and your future. 

How can I tell the difference between sadness and
depression? 
In actuality, the symptoms for sadness-- which might result
after a breakup or divorce-- and clinical depression are
quite similar. 

It is understandable that many people hurry to their phones
to call their doctors after reading or watching an ad for
depression medication. At one time or another, a lot of us
feel a few (or all) of these symptoms. 

They are: 
lack of appetite
little or no energy 
trouble sleeping 
mood swings
difficulty concentrating 
no will to live*

All of these might be experienced by someone who is
grappling with a significant life change after a breakup or
divorce. 

The upheaval involved brings up sadness and grief for many. 
This sadness and grief might throw off a person's sleep,
mood, eating and other normal habits. 

But when symptoms like these persist and they are
accompanied by feelings of hopelessness and despondency that
do not improve when conditions of life improve, it might be
time to seek help from a trained professional. 

Another major difference between depression and sadness or
grief is that those who are depressed will consistently feel
overwhelmed and have difficulty coping with the everyday
activities and responsibilities of life for a prolonged
period of time. 

As you face major decisions after your breakup or divorce,
life might feel overwhelming a lot of the time. Coping with
all of this may feel difficult too. 

If so, ask yourself questions like these...
Are you able to emerge-- for a little while-- from feeling
overwhelmed and sad when you are with friends who make you
laugh? What about when you cuddle or stroke your pet? Do
you feel somewhat better when you hear a favorite song on
the radio? 

All of these indicate that it's highly likely you can and
will feel better. Whether you are dealing with broken heart
emotional pain or clinical depression, you can feel better
again. 

It is helpful to identify what is going on for you-- whether
this is sadness and grief or if it's depression-- so that
you can know what kind of support is best for you. 

How do I find the right kind of support for me? 

If you are concerned that you are depressed, please seek the
help of a qualified professional. There are a variety of
treatments for clinical depression-- some involve
prescription medications and many others do not. 

If you feel suicidal, please contact a help line or call a
professional mental health provider immediately.*

Here are a few other ideas to try also...

Diet-- Eat more whole foods and fewer sweets. Stay away from
alcohol and caffeine. Even though you're drawn to eating
chocolate or having another drink because you feel so bad--
don't.

Vitamins and Supplements-- Vitamin B6, Omega-3 fatty acids,
folic acid and St. Johns Wort can help improve your mood. 

Exercise-- When you incorporate even a regular brisk walk
into your daily routine, you will benefit from the
endorphins and other positive effects of regularly moving
your body. 

Friends and Family-- Be choosy about whom you spend time
with right now. Deliberately hang out with those that are
caring and uplifting more of the time.

Music/Art/Creativity-- Listen to music that lifts your
spirits, especially when you feel stuck in sadness. Pick up
a paint brush or sketch pad and tap into your artistic side.
Allow your creativity to be a vehicle for processing the
many emotions you might be having.

If you find you want to listen to the music that takes you
back to wonderful memories of your ex--stop yourself
from sliding into that hole and listen to something else.

Coach or Counselor-- Find a coach or counselor who is a good
fit for you. There are many approaches to healing and
working through emotional difficulties. 

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A celebration of passion, spark, and connection can stay alive and grow deeper through years of being together

The spark doesn't have to die whether
you've been together 5 minutes or 50
years. 

Here are a few ideas we've learned along
the way that help us stay deeply connected...

1. Find ways to focus on what you like about
your partner instead of what you don't like.

You know the saying, "You get what you
focus on in life"?

Well it's certainly true when it comes to
your relationship.

Finding the "juice" and milking it for all it's
worth (while not ignoring something that's 
so in your face that you need to take some 
action) is what it's about.

*You can focus on a part of your partner's
body that you absolutely love.

*You can focus on ways your partner loves
you instead of ways he/she doesn't.

*You can focus on being present with what
you're enjoying in the moment with your
partner instead of what happened in the
past or fears of what could happen in the
future.

2. Practice coming toward one another.

We were at a gathering with friends this
past weekend and during the evening, the 
two of us briefly danced together.

One of our friends remarked that he really
enjoyed seeing the way the two of us looked 
in each other's eyes and how the love poured
out--as we were dancing.

We make a practice of connecting even in
large groups of people and it can be something
simple like making eye contact from across
the room, a touch on the arm as we pass
each other or an embrace as we dance
together.

Believe us when we say that it can make all
the difference in the world in your relationship!

This practice of coming toward one another--
whether the two of you are at home alone, your 
kids are in the house with you or you're with 
other people--is an intimate moment that you're 
telling each other how much your relationship 
means to you.

It's a way to celebrate your love, every day
instead of just on special occasions.

3. Learn how to stay open to listening and
speaking your truth--even when it's uncomfortable
to do it.

Many of peopl have told us that
communication is your biggest challenge--and
we certainly know that can be true because
we've experienced our own challenges with it.

But we've also learned a few things about staying
open to each other when we disagree and want
to close down our hearts to one another.

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4 Ways To Deal With Upsets, Anger and Anything Else

We've all experienced this at one time or another. Something happens, and we completely overreact.

We get upset, defensive and irritable and we don't
even want to (or can't) listen to what our partner is
saying.
Even though we just want to make him or her hear
and understand how we feel, we come off as
demanding and angry.
The last thing we want to do in that moment is to
understand where our partner is coming from, or
what he or she is going through.
Our partner has pushed a button and our automatic
response goes something like this...
"You hurt my feelings, it's not right and I'm going
to let you have it!"
We all do this but unfortunately when this happens
it never brings the two of you closer.
In fact, it brings more tension, stress and a lot of
unresolved conflict.
Here's a "button-pushing" scenario from our own
lives and what we did about it...

Several years ago, we'd get into conflict when
Otto had a particularly "uppity, sarcastic, superior"
(Susie's words) tone in his voice when he talked
to her on occasion.

Susie's anger button would be pushed big time and
of course, she had her own way of pushing
Otto's anger button.

Instead of expressing her anger in a healthy way,
she would come back with some sarcastic remark
that didn't have anything to do with what he was
saying.

His tone of voice said to her...(in her mind)

"I don't respect you"
"You are stupid"
"You just don't get this"

And any connection would be all over between
the two of us.

You can guess that after Susie came back with
a sarcastic, superior remark, Otto would really
get angry.

And so it went until we figured out how to stop
pushing each other's buttons in this way.

Does any of this sound even a little bit familiar
to you?

We're betting that even though you may not
have this particular way of pushing each other's
buttons, you have ways that are equally deadly
to your relationship. Maybe it's not the tone of voice you use with
each other but it might be what's NOT said
and what you imagine is happening.

Maybe it's that almost everything you say to
one another ends up being fodder for a fight.
Maybe it's that you've grown apart and you
desperately want to do something to bring
the two of you back together but everything
you try turns out wrong--and you're growing
further apart.

But...
Here's the thing about triggers...
No matter what triggers you and what triggers
your partner, you can change how you relate
to one another and how you deal with the
conflict so that it is no longer a big problem
for you in your relationship.
So, what did we do about this particular "button-
pushing" dynamic?
Susie learned to stop herself from putting a
particular meaning (her story about what
Otto's tone of voice meant) on what he was
saying--and listen instead to his words.
Here are the steps she used and you can
use also when you're triggered about
something your partner says or does...
1. Notice that you've been triggered and
acknowledge it to yourself that you've been
grabbed by something.
2. Notice what story you're telling yourself
at that moment. In Susie's case, it was
"Otto thinks I'm stupid and he doesn't
respect me."
The truth is that she didn't know what
he was thinking in that moment or what his
particular tone of voice meant.
(It might have meant that he was frustrated
and not with Susie--which was usually what it
turned out to be.)
3. Stop yourself from reacting in your old,
familiar way. If you say something back that's
sarcastic or you completely withdraw and
close down from your partner, notice that
that's what you want to do but DON'T DO
IT.
We know that it takes a lot of courage to
stop doing what's become automatic--but
know that with a little practice you can do
it.
4. Change your story and listen to your
partner.
Susie's new story is that Otto's may not
be angry with her and she'll just listen to
what he has to say.
You can change your story by just looking
at whatever else could be just as true in
this situation and telling yourself that story.
Otto used a similar process as well.
 
These steps are how we started unraveling
our particular "button-pushing" dance that
could have left a lot of unresolved conflict
between us.
And this unresolved conflict could have
destroyed the closeness, connection and
passion that we so love about our relationship.

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3 Keys To Stopping the Pain of a Broken Heart‏

It doesn't matter whether you were the one who left or you were the
one who was left--there is usually a mixture of emotions that come
up. There could be regret, sadness, resentment, relief, loss, grief
and a mixture of all of those.

Whatever you are feeling right now, we know that at the very bottom 
it,there is probably some kind of pain.

It can show up differently as emotional pain or physical pain--or a
mixture of both.

When one woman we know experienced a divorce, she actually had
physical pain in her heart. She was so grief-stricken that she
thought she was having a heart attack. In an extreme case such as
this, you need to be checked out by a physician--but the point is
that there is very real pain after a breakup or divorce.

So the question is...

How do you stop the pain?

The funny thing about pain is that it is usually pointing to 
something that you need to heal or look at in your life. Now you
may be telling us that it's pretty obvious what you need to heal--
the loss of your relationship or to get your relationship back--but 
maybe it isn't as obvious as that.

So the first thing that we would suggest if you are in pain from
a breakup or divorce is ...

1. Acknowledge that you are in pain
Acknowledge "what is" right now. Right now, you may be experiencing
the extremes of either getting busy "doing" so that all of your
time is filled up and you can't think or you are so overcome with
emotion that you aren't functioning very well in your job or your
personal life. 

As you've probably discovered, neither of these ways is very 
helpful or healthy for you to deal with the pain. 

If you cover the pain up with lots of "doing," whether it's exercise
or working long hours, the pain always comes out and hits you in
the face at some point. Maybe you can't sleep and take sleeping
pills because your thoughts and emotions are overwhelming. Whatever
happens, the pain always catches up to you.

If you find that you are completely incapacitated by your pain and
all you want to do is stay in bed, that's probably not working 
either. You may be missing work, staying away from your friends and
hibernating. You life may seem that it's on hold and you can't move
further. Being overwhelmed with pain is not dealing with it either. 

The choice you can make, whether you are incapacitated by your pain
or are burying it, is to really look at it and not try to run
away from it.

2. Discover what your pain is telling you.
Now this may seem a little weird to you but as we said before, pain 
is always telling us something and our job is to listen. 

Here's one way to listen to what your pain is saying...

Find a quiet spot, sit quietly with yourself, close your eyes and no 
distractions like television or the internet.

Take a few moments to quiet yourself by breathing deeply into your
belly region. If thoughts come in, bring your attention back to
your breathing.

When you are calmer, move your attention to your heart (or any other 
place in your body that has pain) and breathe into that spot. Don't
try to judge or put meaning to your pain right now.

Just allow yourself to fully pay attention to the area of your body
that the pain is causing you distress. Remember no judgments, no
self-talk about your situation.

Just be totally present with what is.

3. Practice this exercise whenever you feel overwhelmed or if you 
feel compelled to bury yourself in some activity. 
 
At first, it may seem unusual to do this but the more you practice,
believe it or not, the more you learn about yourself and your pain--
and the best ways to heal it and move forward.

Get quiet and listen. Even if you are in a busy office, go to the
restroom, sit in the stall and breathe. 

Do it and keep doing it. If you do this consistently, we're sure 
that you will feel dramatically better and better

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5 signs he isn't over his ex

When you are in a new relationship, it’s natural to wonder about the ex. Does he think about her? If so, how much and is he really over her? These are questions that plague many women.

Perhaps you’d like to know whether or not the ex is still on his mind. There are signs you can look for, that may tell you whether or not he is really over that relationship. Below are a few that will help you in your quest to find out.

He talks about her frequently

This usually means one of two things. Either he is not over her or he isn’t over something that happened between them. Pay attention to how he talks about her. If he does so lovingly, this may be cause for concern. If, on the other hand, her name often comes up when the two of you are talking about a particular issue or situation, chances are he isn’t over what ended the relationship.

If he speaks of her with anger or derision, be wary. The opposite of love is apathy, not hate. If his ex or something she did is still bothering him, he is clearly not over it.

He is still in communication with her

Sometimes it is possible to remain friends with an ex without it being awkward or lines getting blurred. This usually occurs either when the two of them have known one another for a very long time and were friends to begin with, or when the relationship they had was more of a friendship than a romantic endeavour.

Most couples that break up don’t remain friends, so this further communication could most definitely signify a lingering attachment.

He still sees her – and lies to you about it

A huge red flag is if you find out that he is still in contact with or sees her – but doesn't tell you about it. If he is keeping this from you, he obviously feels guilty about it and that is not a good sign.

He accidentally called you by her name

This is a definite sign he was, at the very least thinking of her. It could also mean he is still in contact with her as well. If it happens once, you may be able to blow it off, provided it doesn’t occur in the middle of a romantic situation, but if it occurs more frequently than that, this may pose a problem.

He keeps items that remind him of his ex

While it is common to keep a few things given to you by the ex, holding onto every gift ever given, photographs and text messages could signify an attachment. If he is unwilling to part with things she gave him, you should discuss it to find out why. Also, one or two items may be okay, but several could mean trouble.

The signs listed above could indicate he’s still not over her. Pay attention and approach it with an open mind. Do not make assumptions just because you suspect a few of these signs are present. Instead, take the time to examine all the options.

Your gut instinct will tell you whether or not a real issue is at hand – and in this case the best way to deal with it is to discuss with him honestly, and without being accusing, why you find it hurtful or disrespectful that she’s still a big part of his life.

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Why People Fail To Create The Red Hot Relationship They Want...‏ FREE e-course - DAY 2

Perhaps one of the biggest reasons people fail in creating and
keeping a red hot love relationship is that they quit having fun
together.

As love relationships mature, one of the first things to go by the
wayside is having fun together. The two people usually settle for
watching television or surfing the internet, often by themselves.
They just quit doing the things that used to be fun for them and
they don't even open themselves to new ways to have fun together.

Whether you used to have fun bowling, walking in the woods
together, eating out without the kids, bike-riding, dancing,
watching a funny movie together or any other activity that was fun
for the two of you--if you want a red hot love relationship, start
doing some of those things again.

In order to keep your connection strong, you have to find ways that
bring you joy that you can do as a couple. We're certainly not
saying that you have to do everything as a couple. We are saying
that couples who fail to keep their relationship alive, growing and
yes, hot, usually have quit finding ways to have fun together.

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Ideas about how to keep your relationship passionate, alive and growing over the years...

Here are a few ideas about how to keep your 
relationship passionate, alive and growing over
the years...

1. Make small changes and look for what happens
for the better.

Try one suggestion--make one small change in the
way you interact with your partner-- and look for one 
small thing that is better.

It might be that you've gotten into a habit of putting
your partner down--maybe in fun--but it's no longer
funny to him or her, if it ever was.

One small change might be to stop when you feel
the urge to make fun of your partner and instead
don't say anything or give him or her a compliment.

Maybe your partner puts you down and it's meant
as a joke but you don't think it's funny. 

One small change might be to tell him or her how
it feels to you.


"It may not have been your intention to hurt me but when
you said _________, I felt embarrassed (or whatever you
felt)"

2. Remember to focus on what's going right.

We know that in our relationship, when we focus on what's
going right instead of what's wrong, we feel closer to one
another and more connected.

Now of course there are certainly times when you need
to focus on what's wrong--if there truly is something going
on that is against your values or your agreements with
one another.

But don't let resentment build without dealing with it and
getting some resolution.

Then when you have resolution, don't hang onto the hurt
in the past. Bring yourself into the present and focus on
what's right in the present moment.

That's how passion, connection and trust are rebuilt and
stay strong--one moment at a time and in the present
moment.

The question is...

Are you living together or dying together?

Are you growing together or growing apart more of the time?

Are you moving forward together or backwards separately?

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New FREE Mini e -course to begin on MONDAY 6th June

Hi Faithful Followers


This is just brief message to inform everyone that my NEW mini e-course regarding creating more love, passion, connection and a "Red Hot Love Relationship." will commence on monday the 6th June. The last FREE mini course i did had a great response. This time around the course will run for 5 days so sign up for free emails right into your inbox to ensure that you don't miss out.


Thanks
Nicolette

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You Can Be In Love for Life

It has always been the fantasy. To meet the man or woman of your dreams and to live blissfully together until death do you part. Problem is that half of all marriages end in divorce. And yes, I know that according to some, this particular statistic isn't all that accurate, but the truth is that breaking up is, at best, a painful process, and most of us have had more experience with it than we care to remember.

It has been known for a very long time that those in healthy marriages or long-term relationships have lower mortality rates and better immune systems, and now scientists are attributing lower stress levels to those fortunate enough to be in loving committed relationships. So who wouldn't want love with benefits like a longer life and soul-warming affection?

Well, once you've had a bad relationship, no matter how it ended, getting back in the saddle can be as daunting as auditioning for American Idol. But you can't win if you don't play, and going about finding a mate half-heartedly will only get you half a love. Should you decide to jump in again, here's some great news.

According to an article on Match.com, a postdoctoral researcher at U.C. Santa Barbara, Bianca Acevedo, discovered through the use of surveys and brain scans that even after 20 years of togetherness, about 30 percent of married couples stay "in love." Another survey said that 18 percent of couples were still "very intensely in love" after 10 years or more.

This blows away the previous studies that say most people only stay in love for six months to three years, long enough to bear a child. I never really bought into that one. Even after a very difficult time, couples who work at it can put the love back into their relationships. To some, it comes as easily as realizing that they have become distant from their partners and making the decision to change it. Just remember that making this happen takes both effort and desire.

For love to work, you have to believe in it. I know many couples on second and third marriages who say they are happier than they have ever been. Don't think that a false start or two makes you damaged goods. The truth is that you must have learned something, and chances are you won't make the same mistake again.

Being in love for life doesn't mean that you will stay with your high-school sweetheart. It means that at any time you can make the choice to change your situation and make your life one of love and support. No, you won't always be right and your mate won't laugh at all your jokes, but if you work to create true love, you will have something more precious than jewels. Ask anyone who has lost the love of their life: what they would trade to have that person back? If yours is still here, make it happen. If not, go find one. Life is too short to stand on the sidelines.

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Can You Truly "Be Friends" With Your Ex?

When a couple ends their love relationship or marriage, in the majority of cases, both people want it to be an amicable break up.  Quite often, the two will promise to be "friends" as they make the transition to single life.

We're completely in support of there being as much respect and kindness as possible during and after a relationship break up.  However, many times the desire to stay friends and maintain a strong friendship with one's ex causes all kinds of problems.

While it is absolutely possible to be friends-- even good friends-- with your ex, this needs to happen with a lot of clarity, honesty and consciousness.

Take Jim and Candace for example...

When Jim and Candace got divorced, they were so intent on making the changes easy for their kids, they pledged to be friends no matter what. They promised one another that-- for the sake of their children's happiness-- they would continue to make one another a top priority, they would all spend regular time together as a family and they would always "be there" for each other.

This seemed to be working out well, until Jim started dating again.  He still had dinner with Candace and the kids a few times a week. He still e-mailed and texted with Candace-- about the kids and other topics too-- at least once a day. And, Jim willingly continued to be the first person that Candace turned to with a problem.

As you might guess, when Jim's girlfriend saw how involved he continued to be with Candace, she felt jealous. Even though Candace was outwardly supportive of Jim's new love relationship, inside she was devastated. Candace felt betrayed and hurt, regardless of how supportive she was trying to be when she talked with Jim.

Jim felt torn and unhappy about the whole situation.

Can you be friends with your ex?

Yes!

Is it always wise or in your best interests to be friends with your
ex?

Not necessarily.

Know your motives. 
Before you promise your soon-to-be ex that you two will "always be friends," stop. Before you continue to be best buddies with your ex, stop. Take some time to examine your own motives.

When you're completely honest with yourself, are you only agreeing to be friends with your ex because you are holding out hope that one day the two of you will reunite?

Are you saying "yes" to a friendship with him or her not because you really want to, but because you feel like this is letting your ex down easier?

Are agreeing to be friends as a way to feel safer, less lonely or to have someone to help you take care of your home or other responsibilities?

There are all kinds of motivations that might be compelling you to be friends with your ex. It is understandable that you might want certain roles that he or she used to play continue. It is also understandable that you might want to keep some level of interaction alive-- even if it is not what it used to be (or what you really want).

You're not wrong for wanting to be friends- or even more than friends-- with your ex. After all, you have most likely shared quite a bit of life and yourself with this person. It makes sense that you may wish to hold on to that connection in whatever form you possibly can.

What we're urging you to do is to recognize the reasons why you want to be friends with your ex. Remember, being kind, considerate and respectful are not necessarily the same thing as being friends.

Being friends with someone almost always involves a level of commitment and emotional intimacy. Being kind, considerate and respectful can make interactions with another person more pleasant and peaceful.

If you're starting to see that your motivations are leading you toward heartbreak, bitterness or resentment, remind yourself of this important difference.

Allow space for healing. 
Even if after considering your motivations you do decide that remaining friends with your ex is wise and appealing to you, take some time for just yourself and your healing. It's vital that you give yourself space to start the healing process and to adjust to the transitions taking place in your life.

It's just about impossible to wake up one day married or as lovers and then the next day declare-- and really believe it-- that you're just friends.

Deliberately widen your pool of support people. Re-connect with friends and family members who can possibly be there for you when you need a hug, advice, help with a clogged drain or other things that your ex used to do for you.

Make completions with your past relationship and grieve for its ending if that's how you feel. Take the time to really listen to how you feel and give yourself what you need.

Shift your expectations and create a new friend relationship, if you choose.
Be clear with yourself and with your ex about your new friendship.  Let him or her know what being friends means to you and then follow through with what you've stated.

If you feel jealous of your ex's new partner or you are annoyed when he or she doesn't call or e-mail you as much as you'd like, this is a signal for you to once again explore your motives. Acknowledge your feelings and re-visit the question of how healthy maintaining this level of friendship or interaction is for you.

Again, remind yourself that your ex is not the only person in your life who can be a source of support, companionship, fun and love. If you're having a difficult time thinking of anyone else who can do this, challenge yourself. Open up to new friendships with others and to deeper connections with the people you already know. 

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Stop Putting Your Needs Last in Your Love Relationship

Does it ever seem like you have to choose between making yourself happy and making your partner happy in your relationship?

It might appear to you as if either you or your mate can have your needs met-- but not both of you at the same time. You might reason to yourself that this is just "compromise" or that this is what relationships are all about.

We simply don't agree. In the majority of situations, there is a way for both you and your mate to feel satisfied about a resolution to a particular conflict or disagreement.

It is absolutely possible for you AND your partner to feel like your needs are being met-- even if they are different needs.

You may have developed a habit of putting what you want on the back burner in life. This tendency might come from your desire to please your mate or to not upset the "fragile balance" between the two of you. It might also relate back to lessons about relationships or gender that you learned growing up.

The trouble with consistently and frequently putting your needs last is that you can end up feeling like a martyr in your relationship.  You put yourself in the position of essentially sacrificing yourself for the sake of your partner.

This almost always results in you feeling resentful-- even if you try to keep those feelings hidden. In addition to the resentment, you will also probably experience unhappiness and upset because you aren't giving yourself what you need.

You might believe that putting your own needs last is a favor or gift you are giving to your partner, but it's not! When you are depriving yourself by squashing down your own desires, you simply can't be as present and open to your mate as you might otherwise be able to be.

Your love will not be able to flow the way you might want it to in your relationship.

You partner will probably also feel confused and unsure of you.  After all, you aren't acting and speaking with integrity when you regularly shove aside your own opinions and desires in favor of his or hers.

This can create an environment of mistrust in which both of you are closed down and distant with one another.

Putting your own needs last is simply not conducive to you having the connected, close relationship you might have been trying to create in the first place.

Stay in touch and aware of what you want. 
Get in the habit of tuning in to yourself and to what you want-- not just when it comes to "big" decisions, but in each and every moment.

When you awake in the morning, practice listening to what your inner self is needing. It could be that your body is craving some alone time involving a good book and a warm bath. Or it may be that you really need close, loving touches and physical sharing with your mate.

Take the time to ask yourself how you feel about a particular situation as you are talking with your partner. Allow yourself a few moments (or however long you need) to process what he or she is saying and feel into yourself to become clear about what you would like to have happen next.

You can let your partner know that the pauses you are taking before responding in a conversation mean that you are tuning in to yourself so that what you share is from your heart and well-considered.

Have the courage and patience to stay open. 
Just because you make a change and stop putting your own needs last, it doesn't mean you will begin to offer your partner ultimatums or that you will always "get your way."

Once you are clear about what you need, you can cultivate the courage to communicate that need to your mate. And then you can stay open and be patient.

Listen closely to what your partner's needs are and don't reject them just because they seem, at first glance, to be diametrically opposed to what you want. Stick with this open and loving energy.

Look for solutions that you both can feel content with. The decision or outcome that you two make together might not be what you initially expected-- it could be even better.

If your intention is to stay connected AND have your needs met, it is more likely that those win-win solutions will become apparent.  Follow through with these need-satisfying plans and celebrate how much closer you and your partner have become in the process. 

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3 Things to Say When Your Man is Staring at Other Women

Jessica is furious. She and her boyfriend, Todd, are out having dinner together at their favorite restaurant. Yet, again, Jessica notices that Todd is starting at every attractive woman that passes by their table. This is a busy, trendy restaurant, so that's a lot!

From her perspective, Todd isn't even trying to hide the fact that he's checking out other women. When he craned his neck to watch the backside of a good-looking woman walk by, Jessica can't take it any longer.

She throws her drink in his face, grabs her purse and storms out of the restaurant. When Todd calls Jessica later that night, he is angry. He tells her that she's making a "big deal out of nothing."  As usual, Todd reminds her that he's never cheated on her and that looking at other women is completely harmless.

If you're a woman who is in a love relationship or marriage with a man who tends to stare at other women, you would probably agree with Jessica that this is NOT a completely harmless behavior. While it's true that checking out an attractive woman is vastly different than cheating, there is an effect...and it's not beneficial to
relationship connection and trust.

When your man stares at other women, you may try to keep your cool and pretend that it doesn't bother you. If this is your usual reaction, good luck keeping that up!

Or, you might try to talk with him about this. You may have already asked him to stop the behavior and he may have even agreed to, but he hasn't kept his word. Like Todd, your man may have brushed away your concerns (and your feelings), called you jealous and become defensive.

If you're bothered that your partner is staring at other women, escalating your criticisms of his behavior is probably not working.  Quietly fuming about it isn't helpful to you or your relationship
either.

Before we offer you communication advice for what you could say when he's staring at other women, we encourage you to do this first...

Stop the stories and get clear about what's true. 

If your partner has a history of checking out other women, you're possibly expecting him to keep doing this. You may also have a big story already firmly planted in your mind about why he does this and what it means.

Some-- or none-- of that story may be true.

Before you say or do anything at all, notice what you're thinking and how you're feeling. Pay attention to what you might be telling yourself in an attempt to understand his behavior and then get really clear about what's your story and what's actually going on.

It may be that, this time, he was not actually staring at another woman. Perhaps he truly was looking at the game on the tv above the bar. Maybe he was searching for your server so that he could order an appetizer.

Maybe and maybe not.

If there's a question in your mind about what he actually was doing, acknowledge that to yourself. Really hone in on what you can reliably know about what he was doing and pay special attention to how you feel about it.

Now, you're ready to communicate about this... 

#1: "I'd like to connect with you."
Believe it or not, you don't even have to make an accusation like, "I see you checking her out!" in order to change the situation. Focus in on what you really want-- that could be to have a close and loving connection with your man.

If this is what you really want, let him know that without pointing out how he is to blame for what you believe you don't have.

This is NOT letting him "off the hook." What a statement like this does is to communicate to your partner that he's important to you and that you'd like to check in with him. It can re-direct his attention back to you. From there, you two can engage in whatever conversation or activity you were doing before.

#2: "I feel ignored and rejected when you stare at other women." 
"I feel" statements are powerful ways to address a troubling situation without putting the other person on the defensive. You are taking ownership for how you feel and you place your feelings in the context of his behaviors.

Let's be clear that nobody-- not even your man-- can make you feel any particular way. You feel how you feel largely because of your thoughts, beliefs and perceptions. This doesn't mean that it's okay for your partner to ogle other women, either.

Let him know that you have feelings that come up when he acts in certain ways. A statement like this can open the door to how you two can work together so that you BOTH feel fulfilled in your relationship.

#3: "I think she's pretty too. Now, can I have your attention so that we can return to our date?"
This third possible statement is one that acknowledges what's going on (from your perspective) and then re-focuses both of you on what your true priority is-- your date, your dinner together, your conversation and each other.

You know, some people are absolutely gorgeous. This doesn't mean that you're not attractive, that you have to compete with someone who looks like a model or that your man thinks that you're ugly and wants to have an affair*.

It could mean that this woman caught your man's eye for some reason. You don't have to make it more than what it is. Just recognize out loud what you see is happening and let him know that you're interested in engaging with him.

Make sure that whatever you choose to say feels genuine to you and, if at all possible, speak in ways that encourage openness and honesty. Try words like these and see what happens.
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*If you see red flags or signs that your partner IS having an affair, don't ignore them. Be wise and rely on tangible evidence to decide what's really going on. 

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Passionate Heart Relationship Mini-Course‏ - DAY 5 FINAL

What it takes to succeed in creating a great relationship is...

The commitment to not run away and hide when things get tough.

One of the things we learned very early in our relationship was that
we each had a tendency in our previous relationships to shut down
emotionally and even physically run away when things got tough.  
Because we recognized that this pattern can create big problems in
relationships, we made the commitment to each other that we would not
make the same mistake in our relationship.

We committed that we would stay present with each other and not run
away, either emotionally or physically.  Sounds like a great
commitment but we've discovered that it can be a challenge to keep.

What we are sure of is that this principle of not running away has
made our relationship stronger, increased trust between us and has
helped to create the close, connected feeling that we have with each
other.

What does it take to not run away and hide when things get tough?

Here are some tips to help you and your partner if you choose to make
this commitment to each other:

1.    Find out what your patterns are when there's conflict between
the two of you or conflict with someone else.  What do you
immediately do?  Lash out in anger?  Put up walls between you and the
other person and pull all of your energy inside yourself?  Leave the
room?  What does your partner do when this happens?

2.    If you decide that you don't want to create these harmful
patterns anymore, decide how you would like to act in those
situations.  Change can take time and it usually means taking "baby
steps" in moving toward the behavior you want so be patient with
yourself.  It's important that you focus on you and your patterns
rather than what your partner is doing.  Always start with yourself
and if you keep pointing your finger outward toward your partner,
just know that you will probably stay stuck in the same "dance" that
you've been in.  We urge you to commit to changing "you."

3.    Ask for help if you find that you unconsciously go into your
patterns.  This may be help from your partner who can lovingly point
them out to you (only if you agree how you'd like him/her to do
this).  It may also be that you need support from a coach, therapist
or even a friend.  If you choose a friend, choose someone who can
lovingly tell you the truth about your actions and not someone who
will either be critical of you or sugar coat the truth.

If you want a great relationship, learning how to stay present and
talk and listen is just about the most important skill you can learn.  

This is the final lesson in this mini-series.

Read more »

10 fun and wallet-friendly date ideas

Tired of the boring dinner and a movie combo? Revitalise your relationship with these fun date ideas, no bank breaking involved!

So you’ve been together for a while and well, quite frankly, your dates have become more drab than fab! Yes, we know that the economy has taken a turn for the worse and everything is just so expensive (blah blah), but getting stuck in a relationship rut is never fun.

Try these 10 ideas!

1. Be amused

Amusement parks are an excellent option if you are looking for a fun date idea. Unleash your inner child and enjoy a full day’s activity, often for less than the price of a fancy dinner!

This is a date that offers something for everyone, whether you enjoy the thrill of rollercoaster rides, shows or simply exploring, you’re sure to find an activity that suits your tastes. Gold Reef City and Ratanga Junction are excellent homegrown options.

2. Play miniature golf

This fun activity gives couples the opportunity to relax and enjoy the game while keeping some friendly competition alive.

Adventure Golf has options in Durban, Cape Town and Johannesburg, and with three games per ticket redeemable for 12 months, it’s a cost effective option too.

3. Visit a video game arcade

These places are filled with all of the latest video games as well as a few old fashioned ones that will remind you of your youth. Just grab some tokens and stay entertained for hours.

You and your date can either complete directly in two-player games or work as a team in other games.

4. Keep it in the community

If you have planned your all-day date for a Saturday, then you will be able to find plenty of fun things to do. Check out your newspaper for flea markets, garage sales and other community events that cost nothing to attend.

You may even find some really great deals on fun and unusual items. See if there are any concerts or plays at local parks, or take in a fun workshop with activities you both enjoy.

5. Pack a picnic

Take a drive in the country, and find a nice place to go for a leisurely walk through the woods, or along a sandy beach. If you’re closer to the city, a botanical garden offers a wonderful backdrop.

Prepare a fun lunch that you and your date can enjoy on a picnic. Make tasty sandwiches, cupcakes and all kinds of other delicious treats that the two of you can eat just about anywhere. Don’t forget to pack a Frisbee or ball to keep you entertained.

6. Exercise your grey matter

Pub quiz nights allow you a chance to enjoy delicious hearty, well-priced, pub fare while you work with your team to answer as many general knowledge questions as possible, often with hilarious results! Prizes often include drinks and bar tabs – score! Check with your favourite local pub when their quiz night is.

7. Go dancing

Many clubs waive the cover charge if you get there early, so head out for some cocktail sundowners and get ready to dance the night away. FTV Cafes and Café Vacca Matta have excellent finger food menus if you’re feeling a bit peckish.

8. Laugh a little

Participating in an improvisation class can be another fun date idea. Many comedy clubs offer these classes during the day. In the class you will be challenged to participate in several games that force you to think on your feet with hilarious consequences. Alternatively visit a comedy club at night and enjoy a laughter-filled evening.

9. Unleash your inner child

Visiting a local playground is another fun date idea. Many adults haven’t been to a playground since they were children and a nostalgic trip can help you to feel young again. Racing each other up the slide and seeing who can swing higher on the swings are fun ways to keep things lighthearted with your partner.

10. Get sporty

Playing a sport such as tennis or soccer is another fun date idea. Bowling or shooting pool are also good options. The physical activity of this date will draw you and your partner closer together.

You will also enjoy the thrill of competition as each of you strives to win the game. Spice things up and let the winner decide exactly what he/she wants the loser to do!

Yes, it’s important to place a high value on your relationship and treasure your partner, but after having a thousand 5-star dinners, even the most refined palate craves a sandwich! Fancy dinners and trips to the theatre are nice but they don’t really allow the couple just to relax and have fun together, and isn’t that what Date Night is all about?

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FREE Passionate Heart Relationship Mini-Course‏ DAY 2

One of the things the majority of people find the most challenging
about creating a great relationship is...

Not being truthful about sharing their feelings and what is important
to them

Whenever you find that you are feeling something that you haven't
expressed, communicate these things as soon as and as lovingly as you
can. So often people allow small issues to grow into mountains that
end up coming between them. We suggest that you take care of those
issues when they come up and don't allow them to grow.

Here are some ideas for you to consider to help you do that: 

1. Take a moment to find out what you are feeling and what you want.
Find a way to quiet yourself, even if you have to go to the bathroom
to do it. Breathe deeply and find that voice inside yourself that is
telling you how you are feeling.

2. Ask your partner if you can have a few moments of uninterrupted
time to talk together about an issue. Ask if your partner is willing
to just listen while you talk and tell your partner that you agree to
listen while he/she talks. If you both feel safe to talk without
being interrupted, then you will be able to truly hear one another.

3. Say what you want in a way that it can be heard. Always approach
a conversation with how you are feeling because of the issue. If you
start making your partner wrong and accusing him/her, the only thing
you'll accomplish is that one or both of you will either withdraw and
shut down or lash out in anger.

4. Listen and honor who your partner is and what he/she wants. You
may not agree with what your partner says but in order to build the
trust that you want to feel free to say what you need, you also have
to listen with an open heart to him/her without getting defensive. 

5. Stay open and find ways that work for both of you. We've found
that when you begin to understand one another by speaking your truth
and listening to each other, the two of you begin to open the door
for possibilities and much more love. There's a "softer" feeling
between the two of you and solutions to conflicts seem to come more
easily. 

Staying open means not judging the other person and reminding
yourself how you love the other person even if in the moment you are
irritated or disappointed in him/her. Staying open when there's
conflict is probably the toughest thing you have to learn to do.
Even if you take "baby steps" in doing it, you'll see how your
relationship can grow. 

Read more »

3 Secrets of Couples Who Stay In Love Forever‏

One thing we've discovered about love, relationships, marriage 
and how to stay in love is... 

Great relationships DO NOT happen by accident... 

In fact, it's true about not only your relationships, but 
everything in life...

A great anything does not happen by accident... 

Take couples who "fall in love" and "stay in love" for example...

What we've found is that "falling in love" and "staying in love" 
are two different things. 

The falling in love is certainly easier than the staying in love, 
but for the couples who somehow manage to do both the 
question is...

How do they do it? 

How do these couples seem to beat the odds and do what 
most couples can't seem to do?

There are several ways that couples keep the fires 
stoked and burning long after the honeymoon period of the
relationship is over. 

We're going to share a few of those secrets with you today...


Secret # 1 

Couples who stay in love seem to actually talk to each other 
differently than couples who are headed for divorce court... 

Not only do these couples talk to each other differently, but 
they also use different words than the rest of us when they 
talk to each other....

They use "magic words" that seem to help open their partner 
instead of shut him or her down--

They use words that keep their partner interested instead 
of bored--

In any relationship, what we've found is that words can 
wound and words can heal. 

We've found that the right words truly can make all the 
difference between whether you stay in love or your relationship 
becomes a divorce or breakup statistic--

That's why we've put together a collection of the best words 
you could ever say to your partner if you want to stay in love 
or even rebuild a love that's faded over time. 


Secret #2

Couples who "fall in love" AND "stay in love" over a long 
period of time "ditch competition." 

We can't tell you how many times we've seen it in our 
Relationship Breakthrough Coaching work with couples...

Couples compete with each other about big and small 
things (even in playful ways) and sit around in amazement 
when the life has been sucked out of their relationship or 
marriage and they are left wondering...

Why? 

The reason is simple: 

In our opinion, there is no room for competition in a 
relationship between couples who are intimate partners 
or married. 

If you doubt whether this is true or not...

Try this...

The next time that you and your intimate partner or spouse 
have a friendly little competition about anything, when 
you are finished, ask yourself one very easy question: 

"Do I feel closer and more connected to him or her or do
I feel distant and more disconnected?" 

We're willing to bet that you'll feel more disconnected if there 
is any kind of competition between the two of you. 

Not one of these people has ever said to us... 

"I feel like we're really on the same team here--we're
splitting up!" 

It just doesn't happen. 

Here's the Susie and Otto rule for this: 

In order to "stay in love," make sure that you and your 
partner or spouse ALWAYS play on the same team. 

The potential challenges, upsets and heartbreak are 
just too great if you don't. 

Secret # 3 

Couples who "fall in love" AND "Stay in Love" remind 
themselves and each other regularly about what they like,
love and appreciate about each other. 

Try this with your partner every so often and notice the 
difference it makes in your relationship. 

Simply say to your partner: 

"Something I really appreciate about you is____________" 

And then fill in the blank with what you like, love or 
appreciate about him or her. 

This alone can sometimes work miracles in a 
relationship or marriage. 

Read more »

Focus on What you Want

No matter what mistakes you feel you 
and your partner have made, challenges you've had or 
problems you've encountered along the way, we hold the 
belief that today is a new day and anything is possible 
from this moment forward. 

Regardless of what has been true up until now about your 
communication challenges, in this moment, you have the 
opportunity to learn to do it differently. 

Whether you're 20, 30, 40, 50 or 80 years old, it's 
never too late to commit to creating ease and flow in 
your communication with other people. 

So, how do you do this? 

Step one is to acknowledge for yourself that there are 
other people who have exactly what you want for your 
life and to adopt the belief that if it's possible for 
someone else, then it's possible for you too. 

Once you begin to believe that yes, other people do 
have what you want and it's also possible for you too, 
then begin focusing on how you want to communicate with 
people and how you want others to communicate with you.

Don't spend time beating yourself up if you fall into 
old patterns that don't serve you or if your 
relationships aren't exactly the way you want them to be. 
It can take time to change lifelong patterns. Simply 
become aware of your pattern, recommit to creating the 
life or relationships that you want--one moment at a time, 
doing your best in each moment. 

If you feel that you must talk to others about your 
disappointments about the way things have been in the 
past, always use the phrase 'up until now..." By using 
the phrase 'up until now...' you are opening your 
heart and mind to possibilities of change within your 
relationships.

Focusing on what you want instead of what you don't 
want in your relationships and in your life does work! 
Shift your thinking and you will see your life 
transform before your eyes.

****************************
1) Remember what you said in the Introduction 
about your communication challenges. Take some time 
now and list those challenges again. Beside each one, 
list some positive ways you are going to focus on 
bringing about change in your life. 





****************************
TIPS for focusing on what you want
1. Write your agreements and how you want your 
communication with others to be on a piece of paper 
and place them where you'll see them several times a 
day as a reminder.

2. Ask for the help of people you trust to make 
those changes as you continue to move toward the love 
and connections that you want with others.

3. If you find your thoughts and actions drifting 
back into old patterns, stop, take three deep breaths, 
shift your thoughts to what you want in life, 
appreciate the other person and recommit to your 
commitments.

Read more »

Trust, Communication and Their Challenges in Relationships...

If communication is a challenge for you right now in your relationships, 
one of the biggest issues may be a lack of trust. 

If trust is an issue for you in your relationships and in your life, 
we don't have to tell you how painful it is.

Trust is the one quality that a relationship simply can't survive without. 
If you don't have trust, then you'll put a question mark in front of 
everything your partner says. You'll doubt their love. You'll harbor 
unhealed resentments which get in the way of clear communication. 

In short, if for whatever reason you can't trust no matter how hard you 
try, you'll keep your partner at a distance and not let them get too close 
to you which most likely will impact your communication with them. 

Sometimes people who have trouble communicating tell us things like... "I 
don't know why I can't talk to my husband. He hasn't done anything to 
deserve my mistrust," "I just can't seem to open up to my partner no 
matter what I do," "I'm always saying the wrong thing and I simply don't 
know how to talk with her anymore," and finally "I don't know how to deal 
with her lies anymore." 

What we've discovered is that no one is born with communication or trust 
issues. They are created from real or imagined fears about what may or may 
not be happening in their relationships. 

If there are trust issues and communication is difficult, one or both of 
the following explanations are usually underneath them:

1. The person is in a relationship with someone who has violated trust in 
some way and maybe even continues to violate it.

2. The person has had trust violated in past relationships and has created 
real fears in the present moment about events and circumstances that may 
or may not be happening in their current relationship.

The paradox of trust issues is that in order to heal trust, you have to be 
willing to open your heart and take conscious, intelligent risk. Most 
people who struggle with this issue have felt pain that is so great that 
they have shut themselves off from opening their hearts again. It's very 
difficult for them to move past this point.

Here are a few suggestions for "Creating Relationship Trust" 
that may help you begin to trust again and improve your communication:

1. Pay attention to the fears you are feeling, honor those feelings while 
discovering whether there is any truth to your fears.

2. We all tell stories to ourselves about everything in our lives. If you 
are telling yourself untrue stories about what is or may be happening, 
then stop yourself. Begin to trust in yourself that you can change the 
stories you tell yourself about your life or your relationships. 

3. Ask yourself this question-"Is my reaction really about what's 
happening right now?" If your answer is yes, then have the courage to deal 
honestly with your situation. If your answer is no, then have the courage 
to stop yourself from creating separation and distance by saying and doing 
things that will harm your relationship.

4. Keep in mind that learning to trust others starts with you. If there 
are blatantly untrustworthy people in your life right now, then you are 
being asked to look at yourself and discover how you can heal from your 
past. If you make up stories about people who are really trustable, you 
are still called to begin a healing process.

Please know that no matter what has happened in your relationships up 
until now that trust can be built and it CAN be rebuilt if it's been 
broken. 

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