Is it time?

HI All

Wow it's been what feels like a life time since I last posted on here. Think it's time I revive this blog. Keep reading for an update on what's been going on and maybe I'll include some writing from a more personal perspective. That could prove quite interesting............

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One way to support yourself as you go through your break-up...‏

Open Up to Support As You Go Through Your Break-Up


There are support groups for just about everything these
days. You can find these groups on the internet and at your
church or community center. 

Support groups for those who are going through divorce or a
breakup are certainly available. 

The potential challenge with such groups is that they don't
always provide the kind of support that you might truly need
in order to heal your broken heart. 

Don't get us wrong. We are not advising you to steer clear
of support groups. 

What we do encourage you to do is to become clear about what
specific kind of support you want and then make sure that
the group or resource will provide that. 

"Surround yourself with only people who are going to lift
you higher," talk show host, philanthropist and all-around
dynamic woman Oprah Winfrey offered this advice. 

We couldn't agree more! 

As you turn more and more toward healing your broken heart
and the future that you'd like for yourself, become aware of
the people and other influences that you're surrounding
yourself with. 

Too often, people who feel broken hearted gravitate toward
what is essentially company for their misery. After all,
who doesn't appreciate someone who is going through
something similar to what he or she is going through?

That chat group for women who have been cheated on might
give you the exact support that you want...and it might not.


While it can certainly be helpful to talk with and
potentially learn from those who have gone through (or are
going through) the same kind of experience as you are, it
can also keep you stuck. 

And, when you spend the bulk of your time with people who
are miserable like you are and who have no idea how they
will ever feel happy (or even close to it) again, you simply
aren't receiving support. 

Don't confuse company for your misery with support. 

What is support anyway?

Think about a bridge. Its structure of beams and cables
allows cars and bicycles to travel safely over rivers, lakes
and mountainous terrain. 

You might think of a support as some thing or some person
that helps you to pass through difficulties. You are
bolstered by this resource and encouraged toward the future
you desire, not kept trapped in the pain and upset of the
past. 

You might not always be happy or comfortable with what a
source of support has to say. For example, a close friend
or family member might point out to you the hazards of
checking up on your ex via Facebook or another social
networking sites. 

This might not be what you want to hear...but it could help
you make a shift toward further healing. 

Take some time and write down the specific forms of support
that you feel like you need now. 

Your list might include the following: be available to take
a phone call when you feel sad or depressed, hang out
socially with you, be a shoulder for you to cry on, help you
make financial decisions, be willing to shop or do home
improvement projects with you or assist with childcare
occasionally or on a regular basis.

Now when someone close to you offers help, you can suggest
some ways he or she might do that. 

Who (and what) are the sources of support in your life?

Your support team could be a collection of friends, family,
acquaintances, books, movies, television shows, music and
even physical surroundings. 

The goal here is to do whatever you can to make sure that
the support team you gather for yourself is one which will
actually give you the support that you need right now. (You
can refer to that list you made.)

Take a look at who you're hanging out with. 

Do the activities you do with these people and the 
conversations that you have together seem to be serving 
you in your healing process? 

If they aren't, you might want to hang out more of the time
with other people. We aren't suggesting that you have to
rid your friend list of everyone who isn't "positive" or
"happy." 

Be deliberate about with whom you are choosing to spend 
your time, what you are doing and what you are talking about. 

Be aware of what you are reading, watching and listening to
as well. 

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Will your heart ever heal from your break up?‏

We're here to tell you that you can heal. No matter how
troubling your breakup was, you can feel better, even happy,
again. 

It all starts with a choice and a shift. 

We know that sounds like we're minimizing your pain but
believe us when we say that that's not the case.

We know how painful a break up can be and we also
know that it doesn't feel like a choice--but if you will
bear with us, we'll explain. 

Make the choice to heal.

As simplistic as it may sound, when you make a deliberate
decision to turn toward healing, you can often start feeling
better quicker than you thought possible. 

Sometimes, we cling to our painful thoughts and memories
around the breakup because we are afraid that if we let go
of the agony, we will negate any chance there might be
(especially in our minds) of reuniting. 

On some level you might want nothing more than to just go
back to the way things were...even if you know that breaking
up was for the best--and your partner may have moved on
anyway.

It is understandable that you might feel this way. 

We encourage you to ask yourself this: "Is carrying around
the pain and hurt serving you?"

If it isn't, maybe it's time to make the choice to heal. 

You could write down on a piece of paper an affirmative
statement of your intention to heal. 

For example, you might write: 
"I am ready to feel better and once again turn toward
happiness."

Make a shift. 

Congratulations on making the decision to heal your broken
heart. (*If you still can't make such a choice, be patient
with yourself and keep reading this.)

In order to put your healing into full motion, it's time to
make a shift. 

When you make a shift in the way that you think about
yourself, your ex and the relationship that ended, you can
begin to move toward improvement.

**One powerful way to make a shift toward healing is to
become an observer to your thoughts and beliefs. 

Let's face it. 

When you think to yourself something like, "I will never
find love again," it is your thought that is causing you
fear and sadness, not necessarily the reality of your life. 

After all, you simply can't know what the future holds for
you. 

Get into the habit of paying attention to what you are
thinking and believing. 

When a particular thought becomes fixed in your mind,
question that thought or belief the way that someone outside
your situation might do. 

You could start out by asking yourself, "Do I know ________ 
to be absolutely true?" 

Many times, realizing that what you are believing is not
necessarily accurate or true can help loosen the grip that
the painful thought seems to have over you. 

**Another way to make a shift toward healing is to broaden
your view of your own life. 

For many people, the pain of a broken heart can eclipse
everything else going on in life. 

Without being judgmental of yourself, start to look around
at the other people and things in your everyday world.

Are there friends or family members who you could devote
more time to? Perhaps there are projects at home, work or
related to a hobby that you haven't attended to lately. 

What is already present in your life that you couldn't
previously see because you were so focused in on the
breakup? 

Be gentle with yourself and don't force things. But, begin
to look up from your intense feelings and see what you see. 

Follow your heart and your interests and expand what you are
focused upon. 

We aren't for one minute suggesting that you should stuff
down the sadness, grief or anger that you might be feeling
about the breakup. 

Instead, we are urging you to feel what you are feeling and
then bring yourself back to the people, places and things
that are waiting for you right here and now. 

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4 Steps to Healing From a Breakup or Divorce.

We know that you're probably in a lot of pain right now because

of your break-up and you may wonder if you'll ever feel "normal"

again. 

 

We're here to tell you that even though you may think your pain

will never end, if you take some simple steps, you will start to

feel some relief.

 

Read how one woman healed after her break-up...

Christine

As Christine told us, many steps can be of value as you heal
after a break-up or divorce.

If we could boil our experiences both personally and

professionally in helping others heal from break-ups or

divorces, there are four big steps that can help most people

start to feel better.

 

If you're in pain right now, we invite you to experiment

with these suggestions...

1. Acknowledge your pain.

Acknowledging your pain while not drowning in it is your first step
to healing your broken heart. Give yourself permission to grieve the
loss of the relationship, even if you were the one who left, and
also give yourself permission to reach out to people who uplift you.

2. Accept the reality of your situation.

Don't see your situation worse than or better than it was. When
there is a relationship breakup or divorce, you might be living with
a lot of what ifs and wishing that it was different or the way it
used to be.

You might be seeing yourself as a victim or feeling very guilty.
Bringing yourself into the reality of the present moment without
making up untrue stories about your situation is one of the biggest
things you can do.

3. Realize what you learned by being in this relationship.

There are always gifts that come with any relationship. It might be
some realization that you learned about yourself, what you want, or
what you don't want in your life. How did this relationship make you
stronger or even a better person?

Be angry if you need to but allow it to pass through your body

without hanging onto it. Go outside and take a walk if you need

to shift your attention to something other than how you've been

hurt.

4. Take time to discover who you are now that you are no longer in
that relationship and what you want for your future.

What interests do you have that you have ignored for a long time?
What things have you not done for yourself that you would like to do
again? How can you love yourself? Getting to know you and what you
want for your future is vital to your getting over a breakup or
divorce.

Even though everyone's healing journey is different, we've discovered
that these four steps are at the very foundation of getting over a
breakup or divorce and moving on with your life.

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3 Keys To Stopping the Pain of a Broken Heart‏

It doesn't matter whether you were the one who left or you were the
one who was left--there is usually a mixture of emotions that come
up. There could be regret, sadness, resentment, relief, loss, grief
and a mixture of all of those.

Whatever you are feeling right now, we know that at the very bottom 
it,there is probably some kind of pain.

It can show up differently as emotional pain or physical pain--or a
mixture of both.

When one woman we know experienced a divorce, she actually had
physical pain in her heart. She was so grief-stricken that she
thought she was having a heart attack. In an extreme case such as
this, you need to be checked out by a physician--but the point is
that there is very real pain after a breakup or divorce.

So the question is...

How do you stop the pain?

The funny thing about pain is that it is usually pointing to 
something that you need to heal or look at in your life. Now you
may be telling us that it's pretty obvious what you need to heal--
the loss of your relationship or to get your relationship back--but 
maybe it isn't as obvious as that.

So the first thing that we would suggest if you are in pain from
a breakup or divorce is ...

1. Acknowledge that you are in pain
Acknowledge "what is" right now. Right now, you may be experiencing
the extremes of either getting busy "doing" so that all of your
time is filled up and you can't think or you are so overcome with
emotion that you aren't functioning very well in your job or your
personal life. 

As you've probably discovered, neither of these ways is very 
helpful or healthy for you to deal with the pain. 

If you cover the pain up with lots of "doing," whether it's exercise
or working long hours, the pain always comes out and hits you in
the face at some point. Maybe you can't sleep and take sleeping
pills because your thoughts and emotions are overwhelming. Whatever
happens, the pain always catches up to you.

If you find that you are completely incapacitated by your pain and
all you want to do is stay in bed, that's probably not working 
either. You may be missing work, staying away from your friends and
hibernating. You life may seem that it's on hold and you can't move
further. Being overwhelmed with pain is not dealing with it either. 

The choice you can make, whether you are incapacitated by your pain
or are burying it, is to really look at it and not try to run
away from it.

2. Discover what your pain is telling you.
Now this may seem a little weird to you but as we said before, pain 
is always telling us something and our job is to listen. 

Here's one way to listen to what your pain is saying...

Find a quiet spot, sit quietly with yourself, close your eyes and no 
distractions like television or the internet.

Take a few moments to quiet yourself by breathing deeply into your
belly region. If thoughts come in, bring your attention back to
your breathing.

When you are calmer, move your attention to your heart (or any other 
place in your body that has pain) and breathe into that spot. Don't
try to judge or put meaning to your pain right now.

Just allow yourself to fully pay attention to the area of your body
that the pain is causing you distress. Remember no judgments, no
self-talk about your situation.

Just be totally present with what is.

3. Practice this exercise whenever you feel overwhelmed or if you 
feel compelled to bury yourself in some activity. 
 
At first, it may seem unusual to do this but the more you practice,
believe it or not, the more you learn about yourself and your pain--
and the best ways to heal it and move forward.

Get quiet and listen. Even if you are in a busy office, go to the
restroom, sit in the stall and breathe. 

Do it and keep doing it. If you do this consistently, we're sure 
that you will feel dramatically better and better

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5 signs he isn't over his ex

When you are in a new relationship, it’s natural to wonder about the ex. Does he think about her? If so, how much and is he really over her? These are questions that plague many women.

Perhaps you’d like to know whether or not the ex is still on his mind. There are signs you can look for, that may tell you whether or not he is really over that relationship. Below are a few that will help you in your quest to find out.

He talks about her frequently

This usually means one of two things. Either he is not over her or he isn’t over something that happened between them. Pay attention to how he talks about her. If he does so lovingly, this may be cause for concern. If, on the other hand, her name often comes up when the two of you are talking about a particular issue or situation, chances are he isn’t over what ended the relationship.

If he speaks of her with anger or derision, be wary. The opposite of love is apathy, not hate. If his ex or something she did is still bothering him, he is clearly not over it.

He is still in communication with her

Sometimes it is possible to remain friends with an ex without it being awkward or lines getting blurred. This usually occurs either when the two of them have known one another for a very long time and were friends to begin with, or when the relationship they had was more of a friendship than a romantic endeavour.

Most couples that break up don’t remain friends, so this further communication could most definitely signify a lingering attachment.

He still sees her – and lies to you about it

A huge red flag is if you find out that he is still in contact with or sees her – but doesn't tell you about it. If he is keeping this from you, he obviously feels guilty about it and that is not a good sign.

He accidentally called you by her name

This is a definite sign he was, at the very least thinking of her. It could also mean he is still in contact with her as well. If it happens once, you may be able to blow it off, provided it doesn’t occur in the middle of a romantic situation, but if it occurs more frequently than that, this may pose a problem.

He keeps items that remind him of his ex

While it is common to keep a few things given to you by the ex, holding onto every gift ever given, photographs and text messages could signify an attachment. If he is unwilling to part with things she gave him, you should discuss it to find out why. Also, one or two items may be okay, but several could mean trouble.

The signs listed above could indicate he’s still not over her. Pay attention and approach it with an open mind. Do not make assumptions just because you suspect a few of these signs are present. Instead, take the time to examine all the options.

Your gut instinct will tell you whether or not a real issue is at hand – and in this case the best way to deal with it is to discuss with him honestly, and without being accusing, why you find it hurtful or disrespectful that she’s still a big part of his life.

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Can You Truly Just "Have Fun"?

It's the classic dating situation: Two people meet. They are attracted to one another and begin to spend time together. The continue to spend time together and become intimate.

One person makes it clear that he or she just wants to "have fun" and does not want a relationship or to get serious. As time passes, however, confusion, disagreement and possible pain about this "non-relationship" grows.

So, is it possible to just "have fun" together?

Of course it is. When two people have an agreement that they are both wanting to be casual about their interactions with one another, it can be fun and enjoyable.

This, however, is not a committed relationship.

We certainly hope that there is fun and enjoyment in love relationships and marriages, but there are also other elements that the casual dating experience does not usually include.

Let's back up a bit...

There are many people who simply don't want to be in a love relationship.

They may have had painful experiences in past relationships and still feel too vulnerable and wounded to jump back into another one now, or ever. They may hold beliefs that they will lose independence and a sense of control over their lives if they enter into a committed relationship.

Or, perhaps, they are clear within themselves that they do not want that kind of depth and level of involvement with another person right now.

None of these reasons are wrong.

It gets tricky, however, when a person who is not wanting to be in a relationship does want to date and possibly be sexually intimate with other people.

Upon first getting together, it might seem acceptable to the other person to just "have fun." But attachments can happen over time.  Feelings can deepen and grow.

The person who was initially okay with a non-relationship dating arrangement might find him or herself wanting more.

When both people do not want more at the same time, the fun quickly drains away leaving mainly hurt feelings and upset.

Make agreements with yourself. 
We understand that when you are first getting to know another person to whom you are attracted, neither of you really knows if this will turn into a love relationship or not.

At that first date, asking the other person to make relationship commitments to you is probably not a wise idea-- nor is it probably one that you would choose.

You are learning more about this person; you probably don't want to force things or end up in a relationship with someone whom you aren't all that excited about after all.

We encourage you to make commitments and agreements with yourself.

• What is most important to you when it comes to this dating experience?
• How would you like to be treated by this new person in your life?
• Are there particular expectations that you have of him or her?
• If the two of you are sexually intimate, what kind of agreements will you make?

While it may be unclear to you (and to your date) whether or not you want to deepen your interactions and eventually be in a committed relationship together, you can become very clear within yourself about what you want.

For example, if you truly are wanting to be in a committed relationship in the near future, be honest with yourself about that.  Whether it's this person or another, if this is what you really want, admit it to yourself.

Communicate as you go along. 
Keep the lines of communication open and honest as you are in this dating and "having fun" situation. Listen to what the other person is saying and ask yourself if this is acceptable to you at this time.

After a few months, you might want more. This is why continuing to talk is so important.

Again, we aren't suggesting that during the first weeks of dating, you corner this other person and try to get him or her to make a commitment to a relationship.

Yes, make agreements in the moment and make commitments that fit
where you are.

We also recommend that if your dating partner is clearly against being in a relationship and you would like to keep that open as a future possibility, be honest.

When you say okay to no relationship, that is also an agreement.

If you are amenable to a "no relationship" agreement, be sure that you continue to check in with yourself as the two of you spend more and more time together.

Be clear about what just "having fun" means to each of you in terms of dating other people and sexual intimacy.

Dating and attracting a love relationship can be difficult to do.  There are a lot of unknowns and many occasions for potential misunderstandings.

Keep the connection between you and you strong. Stay open and be honest about where you are and what you want. Above all, trust that you can have the kind of experience and relationships that you desire.

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5 Tips on How To Mend a Broken Heart

Anyone who has gone through a breakup or divorce and has come out the other side with a broken heart, knows what we are talking about.

It can be a very painful experience!

One of the ways to help yourself to feel better and actually heal from a breakup or divorce is to begin to listen to what you are telling yourself. In other words, pay attention to your “self talk.”

We all talk to ourselves all of the time and this is what we calling 'self talk.' These thoughts come and go in our minds and they can either help us go through life with relative ease or struggling at every step of the way.

In our experience, this 'self talk' can either keep you stuck in the past--mulling over what went wrong or what you should have done differently--or stuck in the future--worrying about what might happen at some point down the road.

Or 'self talk' can help you to stay in the present moment, dealing practically with what's happening right now, and move powerfully and positively into your future.

One of the best kept secrets is that you can change your thoughts. Believe it or not, many people learn how to do it.

Here are 5 ways to change 'self talk' to help you ease your pain from your breakup or divorce...

1. Become aware of what you are telling yourself.

Believe it or not, our houghts are habits that we've created along the way. For instance, there's the "guilt" set of thoughts, the "worry" set of thoughts, the "fear" set of thoughts, the "I'm always going to be alone" set of thoughts, the "nothing's wrong" set of thoughts or the "sunny outlook" set of thoughts--you get the idea.

If you want to begin healing your pain, start paying attention to your particular set of thoughts. You might even give them a name.

Maybe you've not had these thoughts until your breakup or maybe they've been with you for a long time. Whichever is the case, just begin noticing what thoughts roll through your mind.

2. Once you have become aware of your thoughts, decide the thoughts that make you feel better, easier about your situation and those that don't. Take a legal pad or notebook and at the top of the page, make 2 columns with these headings: "Feel better" and "Feel Worse."

Keep the legal pad or notebook where you can easily reach it. As thoughts come to you, write them down under one of those two categories. Do this long enough for you to see on paper, your patterns of thinking that are either helping you or pulling you down.

3. Identify one reoccurring thought or pattern that is bringing you pain and make the commitment to yourself to change it. Write your commitment down and post it where you'll see it often.

It could go something like this...

"I commit to changing my thoughts about how alone I am right now. I may not be with a partner right now but I don't have to constantly remind myself."

4. Chose a thought that is better.

Taking our example, this thought is probably not going to be that you are completely joyful, are with your perfect partner, or feel completely satisfied with your current situation. It may be that a better thought is that when a thought comes up about how alone you are, you change that thought to "I can call Bonnie or Carol and either talk with them or arrange to go to dinner or a movie."

5. Practice in each moment and break your habit.

Have you ever broken a habit? It takes being aware of what you are doing and then making a change in the moment. Your thought pattern is a habit and can be changed--but you have to believe the thought that you are changing to--and you have to practice it.

If feeling better is important to you, this is valuable information that will help you to move forward in your healing process from your breakup or divorce

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THE JEALOUS MALE

A common element in many troubled male/female relationships is the jealous male. A male who attempts to dominate a relationship, playing what Fromm called the sadistic role, shows exaggerated jealousy in protecting his "property." White (1981) notes that extreme jealousy in love correlates with low self-esteem, overdependence on the partner, low educational background, and unhappiness.

What are typical characteristics of a jealous male? What is the double standard?

White found that jealous males typically believe in the double standard. They believe it is acceptable for males to cheat on their girlfriends and, later, on their wives. But women must remain faithful.

So the jealous male cheats, and that probably explains why he is jealous. This is a classic example of the Freudian defense mechanism called projection. Projection occurs when a person sees his or her own unpleasant qualities in someone else. The jealous male accuses his girlfriend of flirting with other men or giving them subtle "come ons" if she looks in their direction. In reality, such suspicions reveal the male's guilt and his assumption that his girlfriend's mind works the same way his does.

Luckily, humans can think about their behavior and change it if they really want to. One student claimed that simply pointing out the "guilt projection" pattern to her boyfriend made a difference.

When is projection revealing?

One night my boyfriend and I got into a major argument over a guy that he thought I was flirting with. I remembered the chapter on love and explained to him that he might be feeling guilty about something he had done, and that he was taking it out on me. I think it really got to him because he apologized for 3 days and he now thinks twice before getting angry with me for no reason. 

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