How can I go on after the breakup?

After a breakup or divorce, thoughts like these may cross
your mind once-- or many, many times: 
 
"I don't know how I will go on without her." 
 
"How will I ever make it without him in my life?" 
 
Especially if the breakup was not your idea, you may be
having a difficult time grappling with the prospect of
living life without the relationship that just ended.  

Where you sit right now, it might seem nearly impossible 
for you to go on without the man or woman you used to 
(and maybe still do) love. 
 
Even if you agree that ending the relationship is truly for
the best and even if breaking up has brought some relief,
you might also worry about how you will make it on your 
own.

For some people, the idea of being alone is scary and makes
them feel vulnerable.  
 
This might relate to caring for a house primarily by
yourself, becoming a single parent, providing financially
for yourself and children and it might also relate to eating
meals alone, going through special occasions or holidays 
and sleeping by yourself at night. 
 
No matter how much sense it might make that you and your 
ex go your separate ways, adjusting to life without this
person, can appear to leave a big hole. 
 
It is understandable that you might wonder how you will be
able to go on without your partner. 
 
 
In order to heal from the breakup or divorce, it's important
for you address any beliefs you might have that you will not
be able to cope or manage without your ex.  
 
At this moment in time, it might feel as if that is true.  
 
The healing happens when you recognize those beliefs and
feelings AND you also begin to deliberately remind yourself
that you can create a new life for yourself-- one that may
even be happy and filled with love again.  
 
Face up to the changes going on in your life. 
Facing up to a new and unwanted reality can be painful.  It
may be something you'd rather avoid or try to ignore.  
 
But until you really look at where you are right here and
now, you will continue to live in the hurt and grief
associated with the past.  
 
You might need to practice this.  
 
Speak honestly about being single again to those you meet.
Think about yourself in terms of where you are now-- a
single (or about to be single) person who is going through a
transitional period in his or her life. 
 
Try not to re-live the events of your breakup or even the
happier times with your ex as you speak and think about
where you are now. Of course, there will be times when it is
helpful for you to learn from the past and appreciate what
was good in that past-- but not right now. 
 
When you face up to the changes going on in your life in
this way, over time, you can begin to see them as less scary
and out of your control. 
 
You can start to look around at your life as it is right now
and see opportunities for healing and growth that you might
not have seen before.  
 
Open up to the possible positive aspects of these changes. 
The next step of this practice of looking at where you are
may not be easy for you, at first.  Give it a chance and
return more than once to this challenge we are about to
invite you to.
 
We encourage you to look at where you are right now,
including the changes in your life because of your breakup
or divorce, and search for just one positive result of those
changes. 
 
It might seem to be very small and insignificant.  
 
You might recognize that now you can sleep in as late as you
want to on a Saturday morning.  

You may realize that you can try out a new diet because 
you are cooking for one now. 

You might simply appreciate the fact that you can leave the
toilet seat up (or down) all of the time. 
 
Perhaps you have discovered that you can pay your bills on
time with just your paycheck or that you can fix a leaky
faucet on your own. 
 
The idea here is to demonstrate to yourself that even in the
middle of the pain and heartache, there are a few things
that are positive and desirable that are also occurring. 
 
Remind yourself of what IS stable and what or whom you 
CAN depend on right now.

As important as it is for you to face up to the changes that
are happening in your life, it is also helpful and
bolstering to remember that not everything is in flux. 
 
There are most likely quite a few people who are there for
you.  Make a list of all of the people in your life upon
whom you might rely in some way.  
 
This may be something as minor as a neighbor who looks out
for your home when you're away for a weekend. 

It could be a friend who is always ready with wise words
and a hug. 

It might be that relative  who has been the stable presence in
your life since you were young. 
 
Know that these people are there for you-- if you call on
them.  Be specific in your request for support. Be willing
to receive.  
 
There are also undoubtedly situations in your life that are
not changing.  Even if it's the bus route you ride to work
or the way that the flowers in your garden bloom and grow,
pay attention to those things that are constants around you.

 
Look to them when you feel vulnerable and out of control for
re-grounding. 
 
As you face your current reality and look at where you are,
you will probably begin to see that there are some promising
things going on right here and right now.  Knowing this will
help you feel better and better every day. 
 

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5 ways to help you get over your breakup pain faster‏

We all talk to ourselves all of the time and this is what we calling
'self talk.' These thoughts come and go in our minds and they can
either help us go through life with relative ease or struggling at
every step of the way.

In our experience, this 'self talk' can either keep you stuck in the
past--mulling over what went wrong or what you should have done
differently--or stuck in the future--worrying about what might 
happen at some point down the road.

Or 'self talk' can help you to stay in the present moment, dealing
practically with what's happening right now, and move powerfully and
positively into your future.

One of the best kept secrets is that you can change your thoughts.
Believe it or not, many people learn how to do it.

Here are 5 ways to change 'self talk' to help you ease your pain 
from your breakup or divorce...

1. Become aware of what you are telling yourself.
Believe it or not, our thoughts are habits that we've created along 
the way. For instance, there's the "guilt" set of thoughts, the
"worry" set of thoughts, the "fear" set of thoughts, the "I'm always
going to be alone" set of thoughts, the "nothing's wrong" set of
thoughts or the "sunny outlook" set of thoughts--you get the idea.

If you want to begin healing your pain, start paying attention to
your particular set of thoughts. You might even give them a name.
Maybe you've not had these thoughts until your breakup or maybe
they've been with you for a long time. Whichever is the case, just
begin noticing what thoughts roll through your mind.

2. Once you have become aware of your thoughts, decide the thoughts
that make you feel better, easier about your situation and those
that don't. Take a legal pad or notebook and at the top of the page, 
make 2 columns with these headings: "Feel better" and "Feel Worse."

Keep the legal pad or notebook where you can easily reach it. As
thoughts come to you, write them down under one of those two
categories. Do this long enough for you to see on paper, your
patterns of thinking that are either helping you or pulling you
down.

3. Identify one reoccurring thought or pattern that is bringing you 
pain and make the commitment to yourself to change it. Write your
commitment down and post it where you'll see it often. 

It could go something like this...

"I commit to changing my thoughts about how alone I am right now. 
I may not be with a partner right now but I don't have to constantly
remind myself."

4. Chose a thought that is better.
Taking our example, this thought is probably not going to be that
you are completely joyful, are with your perfect partner, or feel
completely satisfied with your current situation. It may be that
a better thought is that when a thought comes up about how alone
you are, you change that thought to "I can call my friend ______ and
either talk with them or arrange to go to dinner or a movie."

5. Practice in each moment and break your habit.
Have you ever broken a habit? It takes being aware of what you are
doing and then making a change in the moment. Your thought pattern 
is a habit and can be changed--but you have to believe the thought
that you are changing to--and you have to practice it.

If feeling better is important to you, this is valuable information
that will help you to move forward in your healing process from
your breakup or divorce. 

Read more »

Afraid you're never going to get over this feeling after your break-up?‏

If you've ever felt like you're never going to get over this 
feeling after your breakup
 
You might feel like the sadness, anger and other intense 
emotions are here to stay.

It can even seem like little else is going on in your life
but your broken heart pain. 

We're here to tell you that your can heal. No matter how
troubling your breakup was, you can feel better, even happy,
again. 

It all starts with a choice and a shift. 

Make the choice to heal. 

As simplistic as it may sound, when you make a deliberate
decision to turn toward healing, you can often make huge
strides toward that goal. 

Sometimes, we cling to our painful thoughts and memories
around the breakup because we are afraid that if we let go
of the agony, we will negate any chance there might be
(especially in our minds) of reuniting. 

On some level you might want nothing more than to just go
back to the way things were...even if you know that breaking
up was for the best. 

It is understandable that you might feel this way. 

We encourage you to ask yourself this: "Is carrying around
the pain and hurt serving you?"

If it isn't, maybe it's time to make the choice to heal. 

You could write down on a piece of paper an affirmative
statement of your intention to heal.

For example, you might write something as simple as: 
"I am ready to feel better."

Tuck the paper in your pocket so that you "feel" it often
during the day--or put it in your desk drawer where you
read it whenever you reach for your pen. 

Make a shift. 

If you're ready to take another small step toward healing,
make a shift.

When you make a shift in the way that you think about
yourself, your ex and the relationship that ended, you can
begin to move toward improvement.

One powerful way to make a shift toward healing is to
become an observer to your thoughts and beliefs. 

Let's face it. 

When you think to yourself something like, "I will never
find love again," it is your thought that is causing you
fear and sadness, not necessarily the reality of your life. 

After all, you simply can't know what the future holds for
you. 

Get into the habit of paying attention to what you are
thinking and believing. 

When a particular thought becomes fixed in your mind,
question that thought or belief the way that someone outside
your situation might do. 

You could start out by asking yourself, "Do I know ________ 
to be absolutely true?" 

Many times, realizing that what you are believing is not
necessarily accurate or true can help loosen the grip that
the painful thought seems to have over you. 

Another way to make a shift toward healing is to broaden
your view of your own life. 

For many people, the pain of a broken heart can eclipse
everything else going on in life. 

Without being judgmental of yourself, start to look around
at the other people and things in your everyday world.

Are there friends or family members who you could devote
more time to? Perhaps there are projects at home, work or
related to a hobby that you haven't attended to lately. 

What is already present in your life that you couldn't
previously see because you were so focused in on the
breakup? 

Be gentle with yourself and don't force things. But, begin
to look up from your intense feelings and see what you see. 

Follow your heart and your interests and expand what you are
focused upon. 

We aren't for one minute suggesting that you should stuff
down the sadness, grief or anger that you might be feeling
about the breakup. 

Instead, we are urging you to feel what you are feeling and
then bring yourself back to the people, places and things
that are waiting for you right here and now.

Read more »

Red Hot Love Relationships - DAY 1...FREE E-course

If we could sum up how to create a red hot love relationship in 3
Steps here's what they would be...

 
Step 1:  Be open to the possibility that you can create what you
         want
 
Before the two of us came together, independent of each other, we
began to take on the belief that it was possible to have
friendship, passion, love and connection­-all in one relationship.
Even though both of us had just ended our previous relationships,
we took on the belief that we could have what we wanted, even
before we began our relationship.
 
 Step 2: Be open to trying some new things and possibly making some
changes in your life and in your relationship that will move you
closer to what you want. 
 
It's certainly a fact that if you keep doing the same things you've
been doing, you will get the same results. You have to be open to
experimenting with some new ideas, maybe going out on a limb a
little bit and trying some things that you never thought you'd be
up for trying.
 
Step 3: Make the commitment to keep your open heart toward your
partner more of the time.
 
It's so easy to get triggered by even small things and allow
yourself to close your heart to your partner. If you want a red hot
relationship, you have to keep your heart open­-or at least commit
to regaining your connection as quickly as possible. If you don't,
you are simply repeating old patterns of the past that have kept
you up until now from having what you want.
  

Read more »

How to Communicate with Your Mate About the Tough Stuff: Jealousy

Joe's wife, Kristi, has a jealousy problem and he's had enough. It seems that every single day there is new drama in their marriage...generated by her.

It's often the same turn of events. Joe comes home a little late because he's been tied up at work or maybe he needs a little time to unwind after a long day, so he stops for a drink with a co-worker.

Then, when Joe does arrive home, it seems like he's always greeted with accusations and interrogations. Joe wants to know how to talk with Kristi about her jealousy before it's too late for their marriage.

When it comes to jealousy, talking with your partner in a way that doesn't tear you further apart can be really tricky.

It may be obvious to you that your mate has a problem. The number of times that he or she has flown off the handle and accused you of flirting, looking at others or even having an affair may be too many to count.

On the other hand, if you are the one who tends to get jealous, it may be obvious to you that your partner is the one with the problem.

Perhaps, from your point of view, he or she truly is a flirt and sometimes even talks, looks at or touches others in ways that you find inappropriate.

What's your perspective? 
When it comes to jealousy, your perspective can truly alter what you see. It can mean the difference between words or actions being innocent and "no big deal" OR them being suspicious and betraying.

This is really important to remember as you set about to communicate about jealousy in a way that helps you and your partner move closer together.

Try to move beyond the question of who's right and who's wrong.

You are certainly experiencing a situation in a particular way and your mate is probably experiencing the same situation differently.

In order for the two of you to be able to talk about what you each want and to create agreements you both can stick with, it's vital that you remind yourself that your perspective is not the only
perspective of what's going on.

Does this mean that you have to just sit there silently while, for example, your boyfriend so clearly checks out an attractive woman who walks by?

Of course not.

What it means is that instead of yelling around about it or storming off, you make a clear and, as calm as possible, choice about what you'll do next.

Speak honestly and about your feelings. The next time that Joe comes home late to an irate wife, he does something out of the ordinary.

He hears her litany of questions... "Where were you? How do I know you were really at work? When will you learn to treat me with respect and call me when you'll be late?"

Then, Joe tells Kristi that he's going to take a few moments by himself and then he'd like to talk with her about this whole situation.

She is surprised, because this is not Joe's usual reaction, which is to yell back at her that she needs to just trust him and stay out of his business.

During this time alone, Joe takes some deep breaths and calms down. When he steps back from his own perspective for a moment, he can understand why Kristi would be upset and even feel jealous and worried.

Joe returns to Kristi and apologizes for being late and for his habit of not calling to let her know his plans. He then opens up and shares with her how sad he feels about the tension and conflict between them lately.

He tells her that knows that he's not easy to live with and that he feels trapped and boxed in when Kristi lays in on him with accusations and interrogations.

Together, Joe and Kristi begin to sort through how they each feel. A greater understanding of where they are both coming from results.

There is no magic cure for jealousy.

But, when you can begin to own and communicate honestly about your emotions and you take responsibility for your share in the habits that are driving you two apart, magical things can happen.

Choose words that reflect your experience of the situation. Do not label your partner's experience or guess what he or she wants or is feeling.

You can always ask questions to get more information about what's happening for him or her.

For example, Joe says to Kristi, "I get really angry when you automatically assume that I'm sleeping around with another woman because I get home late. But, I wonder if you are afraid that that's exactly what I'm doing when I don't call. Is that true for you?"

When you ask a question, be sure you really listen to your mate's response. Even if you don't agree with his or her perspective, you might be able to better understand what's going on for him or her when you do.

From this place of listening and sharing honestly, you and your partner can create agreements that will help you to overcome jealousy, bolster trust and begin to move closer together. 

Read more »

Is it Possible to "Agree to Disagree" with Your Partner and Stay Connected?

We've all been there.

You and someone you care deeply about just don't see eye to eye about a particular issue. You may debate with one another and even argue in favor of your perspective, but to no avail.

You and this special someone in your life finally decide to "agree to disagree" about this topic.

It's usually far easier to "agree to disagree" with an extended family member, a friend or a co-worker. After all, quite often you don't live with these people and there is some amount of distance between you that makes this kind of a pseudo-resolution work.

But when you and your partner in a love relationship or marriage have reached the point that neither of you is willing to budge and the only thing you can do is "agree to disagree," disconnection can result.

While it's true you cannot force your mate to believe that your perspective is better and it's inadvisable to simply go along with your partner's plan to "keep the peace," you do need to find a way to communicate about this tricky topic and keep your connection strong.

With an open heart and a willingness to listen, you may find that you and your partner don't have to see eye to eye about everything and you can still stay close.

Joe and Brandy have been through this discussion before and, yet again, it's ended up in a stalemate. Joe thinks that it's time their teenage son start learning to drive.

Although their son is only 14, Joe wants to begin teaching him how to drive-- starting out in parking lots or on rural roads.

Brandy is staunchly against this idea. She's read the statistics of how many teen boys get into car accidents and she would rather their son wait until he's 18 to drive, not 14.

Brandy is willing to consider driving lessons for their son when he's 16, but not a day
sooner!

After going round and round about this, Joe and Brandy have decided to "agree to disagree." The problem is, Joe is beginning to think that he and their son will have to sneak these driving lessons that Joe feels strongly about if they're ever going to happen.

Get to the heart of the matter. 
Whatever it is that you and your partner have "agreed to disagree" about, take some time to get a deeper look at the issue for you. If you feel so strongly about this that you are willing to dig in your heels, it is probably a hot button issue for you!

When you think about this topic, what are your dominant thoughts and feelings? Does this situation remind you of anything that happened in your past?

You might want to write down the observations you make about your thoughts, feelings and recalled memories. These can help you get a better grasp of the dimensions of this issue.

When Brandy takes a deeper look at the question of their son learning to drive at the age of 14, she feels a preponderance of fear. She is fearful about her son getting hurt or hurting others accidentally.

She also realizes that she is fearful and sad about her son getting older and more independent.

Brandy can now see that a part of her wants to delay his growing up as much as she can. While she feels a bit embarrassed by this realization, it is helps Brandy get clearer about her position on the matter.

Don't make it about winning or losing. 
Sometimes when a couple gets stuck in a disagreement, one or both of them is attached to the idea of "winning" the discussion. Although this might not be the conscious thought, it is the compulsion all the same.

Inwardly and honestly reflect on your motivations. If you are wanting to "win" about this disagreement, acknowledge that to yourself.

Simply admitting that you are feeling competitive, defensive or prideful can help you to ease up. You can then begin to re-focus on the actual issue at hand.

If one or both of you is feeling powerless in some way in your relationship, you might feel compelled to "win." Ask yourself what you need in order to feel more powerful and then set aside a separate time when you can make requests of your partner that can help you.

It might also be that you don't feel powerful in your life in general. See what changes you can make in how you view yourself, your abilities and your life in order to make a shift and improve how you are feeling.

Open up to better understand. 
Keep yourself as open as you can when you are communicating with your mate about this topic upon which you two have "agreed to disagree."

This will probably require you to do the inner work we've suggested above so that when you talk about the issue, you are really able to hone in on it.

Joe has realized that "winning" with Brandy-- especially about this topic-- is very important to him. Joe feels like Brandy has lead the way in parenting their children over the years and he'd like to step up and take control in this area.

Remembering the special times he had with his father when he learned how to drive as a teen, Joe wants to create new memories with his own son.

As Joe realizes his deeper feelings about all of this, he is able to loosen up around his position somewhat.

When Joe and Brandy sit down again, they are both feeling less intense about each of their "sides" and they can stay open to truly listen to one another. They feel more confident that they can come up with a resolution and decision that both of them can feel good about.

As you listen to understand your partner and how he or she feels about this particular topic, you won't necessarily come away with a changed mind-- neither will your mate.

What can be different is that you and your partner will each feel listened to and probably better understood. You might realize that what your mate is asking for or suggesting is an idea that has some merit after all.

From this point of feeling heard and better understood, the two of you can make choices while also moving closer together. 

Read more »

Passionate Heart Relationship Mini-Course‏ - DAY 5 FINAL

What it takes to succeed in creating a great relationship is...

The commitment to not run away and hide when things get tough.

One of the things we learned very early in our relationship was that
we each had a tendency in our previous relationships to shut down
emotionally and even physically run away when things got tough.  
Because we recognized that this pattern can create big problems in
relationships, we made the commitment to each other that we would not
make the same mistake in our relationship.

We committed that we would stay present with each other and not run
away, either emotionally or physically.  Sounds like a great
commitment but we've discovered that it can be a challenge to keep.

What we are sure of is that this principle of not running away has
made our relationship stronger, increased trust between us and has
helped to create the close, connected feeling that we have with each
other.

What does it take to not run away and hide when things get tough?

Here are some tips to help you and your partner if you choose to make
this commitment to each other:

1.    Find out what your patterns are when there's conflict between
the two of you or conflict with someone else.  What do you
immediately do?  Lash out in anger?  Put up walls between you and the
other person and pull all of your energy inside yourself?  Leave the
room?  What does your partner do when this happens?

2.    If you decide that you don't want to create these harmful
patterns anymore, decide how you would like to act in those
situations.  Change can take time and it usually means taking "baby
steps" in moving toward the behavior you want so be patient with
yourself.  It's important that you focus on you and your patterns
rather than what your partner is doing.  Always start with yourself
and if you keep pointing your finger outward toward your partner,
just know that you will probably stay stuck in the same "dance" that
you've been in.  We urge you to commit to changing "you."

3.    Ask for help if you find that you unconsciously go into your
patterns.  This may be help from your partner who can lovingly point
them out to you (only if you agree how you'd like him/her to do
this).  It may also be that you need support from a coach, therapist
or even a friend.  If you choose a friend, choose someone who can
lovingly tell you the truth about your actions and not someone who
will either be critical of you or sugar coat the truth.

If you want a great relationship, learning how to stay present and
talk and listen is just about the most important skill you can learn.  

This is the final lesson in this mini-series.

Read more »

10 fun and wallet-friendly date ideas

Tired of the boring dinner and a movie combo? Revitalise your relationship with these fun date ideas, no bank breaking involved!

So you’ve been together for a while and well, quite frankly, your dates have become more drab than fab! Yes, we know that the economy has taken a turn for the worse and everything is just so expensive (blah blah), but getting stuck in a relationship rut is never fun.

Try these 10 ideas!

1. Be amused

Amusement parks are an excellent option if you are looking for a fun date idea. Unleash your inner child and enjoy a full day’s activity, often for less than the price of a fancy dinner!

This is a date that offers something for everyone, whether you enjoy the thrill of rollercoaster rides, shows or simply exploring, you’re sure to find an activity that suits your tastes. Gold Reef City and Ratanga Junction are excellent homegrown options.

2. Play miniature golf

This fun activity gives couples the opportunity to relax and enjoy the game while keeping some friendly competition alive.

Adventure Golf has options in Durban, Cape Town and Johannesburg, and with three games per ticket redeemable for 12 months, it’s a cost effective option too.

3. Visit a video game arcade

These places are filled with all of the latest video games as well as a few old fashioned ones that will remind you of your youth. Just grab some tokens and stay entertained for hours.

You and your date can either complete directly in two-player games or work as a team in other games.

4. Keep it in the community

If you have planned your all-day date for a Saturday, then you will be able to find plenty of fun things to do. Check out your newspaper for flea markets, garage sales and other community events that cost nothing to attend.

You may even find some really great deals on fun and unusual items. See if there are any concerts or plays at local parks, or take in a fun workshop with activities you both enjoy.

5. Pack a picnic

Take a drive in the country, and find a nice place to go for a leisurely walk through the woods, or along a sandy beach. If you’re closer to the city, a botanical garden offers a wonderful backdrop.

Prepare a fun lunch that you and your date can enjoy on a picnic. Make tasty sandwiches, cupcakes and all kinds of other delicious treats that the two of you can eat just about anywhere. Don’t forget to pack a Frisbee or ball to keep you entertained.

6. Exercise your grey matter

Pub quiz nights allow you a chance to enjoy delicious hearty, well-priced, pub fare while you work with your team to answer as many general knowledge questions as possible, often with hilarious results! Prizes often include drinks and bar tabs – score! Check with your favourite local pub when their quiz night is.

7. Go dancing

Many clubs waive the cover charge if you get there early, so head out for some cocktail sundowners and get ready to dance the night away. FTV Cafes and Café Vacca Matta have excellent finger food menus if you’re feeling a bit peckish.

8. Laugh a little

Participating in an improvisation class can be another fun date idea. Many comedy clubs offer these classes during the day. In the class you will be challenged to participate in several games that force you to think on your feet with hilarious consequences. Alternatively visit a comedy club at night and enjoy a laughter-filled evening.

9. Unleash your inner child

Visiting a local playground is another fun date idea. Many adults haven’t been to a playground since they were children and a nostalgic trip can help you to feel young again. Racing each other up the slide and seeing who can swing higher on the swings are fun ways to keep things lighthearted with your partner.

10. Get sporty

Playing a sport such as tennis or soccer is another fun date idea. Bowling or shooting pool are also good options. The physical activity of this date will draw you and your partner closer together.

You will also enjoy the thrill of competition as each of you strives to win the game. Spice things up and let the winner decide exactly what he/she wants the loser to do!

Yes, it’s important to place a high value on your relationship and treasure your partner, but after having a thousand 5-star dinners, even the most refined palate craves a sandwich! Fancy dinners and trips to the theatre are nice but they don’t really allow the couple just to relax and have fun together, and isn’t that what Date Night is all about?

Read more »

Am I Settling or Is This the Best I can Do?

These questions are critically important and here's why...
As good as your relationship seems to be, you
may be fearing that it may not be enough for you and you may want more some time in the future.
What we have discovered, is that we all have different wants, needs, interests.
We all have different things that drive us and
make us be the way we are.


The question you might really be asking could be...
"Can I have it all--the comfort, plus passion
that takes your breath away--or should I be
happy to get 'almost' all of it?"
Our answer to that is--it depends...
It depends on how important that passionate spark is to you.


It's only after you truly know what's important to you in your relationships and your life that you can begin to make conscious decisions about how you want to move forward.




So, we go back to this...
What's truly important to you?


To help you with this, take out a pen and paper and without censoring your thoughts, write down your first, gut responses to these questions...


1. Thinking about what you do have, how important is having that passionate spark to you right now?


2. In your mind's eye, transport the two of you to the future 5 or 10 years down the road. Now look at how happy you are if nothing changes.
Remember to just let your "gut" respond right now, without censoring it.


Now, read your answers to yourself and feel
how those land inside you. What are the feelings that come up?


As you're sitting with what came up for you during this exercise, consider a few ideas about passionate spark.
The typical couple starts off with a great deal of excitement and passion between them.
As we've said many times, the problem is that "life gets in the way" and they allow that passion to fade away--and no one knows exactly where it goes.


Passion can fade to nothing but it can also be
re-ignited if that's what both people want.
And what if that "butterfly" passion was never there to begin with?
It can be pretty difficult (but not impossible) to "manufacture" it--unless both people really want it to happen.
They have to find ways to open to each other and look at each other differently.


If this relationship is really important to you and you want to keep it--and you are open to creating a little more "zing" with him--open yourself to the idea that it just might be possible with him.
Open you heart to him in a different way and start thinking of him in a little different way.


When you feel passionate toward him, when he stirs anything inside you--let alone butterflies--nurture that feeling and don't dismiss it as not being enough.


Some people have trouble thinking of a healthy, loving relationship in the same sentence as passion--and their beliefs get in the way when they finally find a "good" relationship.
If this is happening, start opening the door for the belief that you can have a healthy, loving relationship AND passion--all with the same man and see what happens.
Of course with passion, there's that unspoken
element of chemistry and attraction that can't
be denied.


We're saying that if passion is important and
you're in a good relationship, start taking some action to ignite it.
To answer your last question...


"How do I know if this will work or if I should date around more?"


One way to look at it is that this relationship is working and is giving you what you need in the moment. It's teaching you what it feels like to be in a loving, healthy relationship that's comfortable.


Is that all there is?


Doesn't have to be if you and your partner want more.
We suggest you explore what you want and then open to the possibility of having it with this person before you go off to another one.


Settling for less than what you want usually
causes tension in a relationship so we don't
advise anyone to "settle."


We advise you to make conscious choices that will take you toward what you want in this moment and then in the next moment.
The bottom line is that you might truly be noticing something that you feel will be missing from your relationship and your life if you don't have it.


Or


You may be noticing where you need to put more of your attention in this relationship. 

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Difference Between Healthy and Unhealthy Sex

Learning how to distinguish healthy sex from other forms of sex can empower you to bring Healthy Sex more into your own life.

The chart below outlines how healthy sexuality differs from abusive sex and addictive sex.

Sexual Abuse and Addiction	Healthy Sex
Sex is uncontrollable energy	Sex is controllable energy
Sex is an obligation	Sex is a choice
Sex is addictive	Sex is a natural drive
Sex is hurtful	Sex is nurturing, healing
Sex is a condition for love or devoid of love	Sex is an expression of love
Sex is "doing to" someone	Sex is sharing with someone; sex is part of who I am
Sex is void of communication	sex requires communication
Sex is secretive	Sex is private
Sex is exploitative	Sex is respectful
Sex is deceitful	Sex is honest
Sex benefits one person	Sex is mutual
Sex is emotionally distant	Sex is intimate
Sex is irresponsible	Sex is responsible
Sex is unsafe	Sex is safe
Sex has no limits	Sex has boundaries
Sex is power over someone	Sex is empowering
Sex requires a double life	Sex enhances who you really are
Sex compromises your values	Sex reflects your values
Sex feels shameful	Sex enhances self esteem

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