Will your heart ever heal from your break up?‏

We're here to tell you that you can heal. No matter how
troubling your breakup was, you can feel better, even happy,
again. 

It all starts with a choice and a shift. 

We know that sounds like we're minimizing your pain but
believe us when we say that that's not the case.

We know how painful a break up can be and we also
know that it doesn't feel like a choice--but if you will
bear with us, we'll explain. 

Make the choice to heal.

As simplistic as it may sound, when you make a deliberate
decision to turn toward healing, you can often start feeling
better quicker than you thought possible. 

Sometimes, we cling to our painful thoughts and memories
around the breakup because we are afraid that if we let go
of the agony, we will negate any chance there might be
(especially in our minds) of reuniting. 

On some level you might want nothing more than to just go
back to the way things were...even if you know that breaking
up was for the best--and your partner may have moved on
anyway.

It is understandable that you might feel this way. 

We encourage you to ask yourself this: "Is carrying around
the pain and hurt serving you?"

If it isn't, maybe it's time to make the choice to heal. 

You could write down on a piece of paper an affirmative
statement of your intention to heal. 

For example, you might write: 
"I am ready to feel better and once again turn toward
happiness."

Make a shift. 

Congratulations on making the decision to heal your broken
heart. (*If you still can't make such a choice, be patient
with yourself and keep reading this.)

In order to put your healing into full motion, it's time to
make a shift. 

When you make a shift in the way that you think about
yourself, your ex and the relationship that ended, you can
begin to move toward improvement.

**One powerful way to make a shift toward healing is to
become an observer to your thoughts and beliefs. 

Let's face it. 

When you think to yourself something like, "I will never
find love again," it is your thought that is causing you
fear and sadness, not necessarily the reality of your life. 

After all, you simply can't know what the future holds for
you. 

Get into the habit of paying attention to what you are
thinking and believing. 

When a particular thought becomes fixed in your mind,
question that thought or belief the way that someone outside
your situation might do. 

You could start out by asking yourself, "Do I know ________ 
to be absolutely true?" 

Many times, realizing that what you are believing is not
necessarily accurate or true can help loosen the grip that
the painful thought seems to have over you. 

**Another way to make a shift toward healing is to broaden
your view of your own life. 

For many people, the pain of a broken heart can eclipse
everything else going on in life. 

Without being judgmental of yourself, start to look around
at the other people and things in your everyday world.

Are there friends or family members who you could devote
more time to? Perhaps there are projects at home, work or
related to a hobby that you haven't attended to lately. 

What is already present in your life that you couldn't
previously see because you were so focused in on the
breakup? 

Be gentle with yourself and don't force things. But, begin
to look up from your intense feelings and see what you see. 

Follow your heart and your interests and expand what you are
focused upon. 

We aren't for one minute suggesting that you should stuff
down the sadness, grief or anger that you might be feeling
about the breakup. 

Instead, we are urging you to feel what you are feeling and
then bring yourself back to the people, places and things
that are waiting for you right here and now. 

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Do's and Don'ts When Communicating with Your Workaholic Partner

Ellen's husband is a workaholic. Before their relationship became serious, she often admired how goal-oriented and driven he was. As their commitment to one another grew stronger and they eventually married, what Ellen previously saw as a character strength turned into something annoying and hurtful.

After almost two decades of marriage, Ellen has grown used to being very flexible. Changing plans at the last minute and making apologies to others for her husband's absence has become commonplace. She appreciates the abundant salary that her husband brings in and she is happy that he enjoys his work.

Ellen only wishes that her husband was as intense and focused on their marriage as he is on his career. She feels lonely and resentful more often than she likes to admit.

In these days where businesses are trying to do more with less, putting in extra time at work happens a lot. Couples find themselves planning date nights and time together far in advance just because their schedules-- both work and family responsibilities-- have become so full.

Some people take putting in that extra effort at the office to a compulsive level. These people are workaholics. There are certainly varying degrees of workaholic behavior and some really need the help of a professional counselor or therapist.

In general, a workaholic is defined as someone who has an "unrelenting" and "compulsive" desire to work.

If your partner seems to you to be a workaholic, you may already have experienced tension in your relationship when you have tried to talk with him or her about this. Perhaps you've used different tactics and brought up the subject of your mate's work habits in less direct ways.

But, still you encountered defensiveness and maybe even hostility from your partner.

The way that you communicate what you want and what you'd like to change about your love relationship or marriage is crucial. You can essentially say the same thing but have drastically different results depending on how you say it.

Remember these Dos and Don'ts as you talk with your workaholic mate... 

Do be honest. 
The time for claiming to be "fine" when you really aren't is over.  As much as you don't want to make your partner angry, you lying about how you truly feel when he or she cancels your date (for the umpteenth time) is not going to help your relationship.

Being honest doesn't necessarily mean that you're going to pick a fight with your partner or that you're going to try to guilt trip or manipulate him or her either. It's about being real and authentic about this situation and your experience of it.

Don't assume that you know why your partner is a workaholic. 
You might have a good idea about why your mate seems to compulsively work. Maybe he or she has a low self esteem or had a traumatic childhood and you believe that there is a link between the workaholic tendencies and these things.

You might be accurate and you might not be.

If you are interested in why your partner works as incessantly as he or she does, find ways to ask. When you two are alone and talking, you might ask your mate something like this: "Please help me understand why you work as many hours as you do...." or "I want to understand why you work so much..."

Whatever you choose to say, make sure that you truly do want to better understand. Really listen to what your partner says in response.

Do focus on how you feel and what you want. 
Again, being honest is really important. You might not be able to force your partner to stop working so many hours or to keep your dates, but you can let him or her know that you have feelings and preferences too.

Keep your words focused on how YOU feel. Instead of saying something like, "You don't want to be with me," try "I feel sad and lonely when we don't have regular connecting time every day." 

Resist the urge to assume that you know how your partner feels or what motivates him or her to work so much. Instead, be clear about how you feel and make requests to help bring some positive changes.

Do be flexible AND honor your boundaries.
It is important to be flexible in a relationship because there are often times when negotiation and patience are required. At the same time, it's essential that you honor your boundaries and needs.

You might not have a choice when your mate calls to tell you that he or she will be working late even though you two have tickets to a concert that night. If your partner has made the decision to stay late and work instead of go to the concert, you have the power to be honest about your feelings AND you can decide what you will do.

Maybe you'll decide to invite a friend to go with you to the concert instead. Perhaps there's a way to switch the tickets to a different night.

Give yourself the space to be flexible when it feels okay to you to do so and also to honor your boundaries and make the choice to do what you want to do given the situation you're in.

Don't issue an ultimatum-- unless you are willing to follow through. 
It can be tempting to issue an ultimatum to your workaholic partner. It can be frustrating and upsetting when you're honest about how you feel and try to set boundaries or create agreements and nothing seems to bring the change you want.

The only time that ultimatums are effective are when you are 100% willing to follow through with your threat. If you set before your partner the choice of his or her work OR you, it's possible that your partner will choose work.

You might be ready to make the choice to end the relationship is significant changes don't happen-- there's nothing wrong with this.  Just be sure that you are making the decision about what's best for you in the long-term and the short-term in advance of communicating. 

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How to Communicate with Your Mate About the Tough Stuff: Jealousy

Joe's wife, Kristi, has a jealousy problem and he's had enough. It seems that every single day there is new drama in their marriage...generated by her.

It's often the same turn of events. Joe comes home a little late because he's been tied up at work or maybe he needs a little time to unwind after a long day, so he stops for a drink with a co-worker.

Then, when Joe does arrive home, it seems like he's always greeted with accusations and interrogations. Joe wants to know how to talk with Kristi about her jealousy before it's too late for their marriage.

When it comes to jealousy, talking with your partner in a way that doesn't tear you further apart can be really tricky.

It may be obvious to you that your mate has a problem. The number of times that he or she has flown off the handle and accused you of flirting, looking at others or even having an affair may be too many to count.

On the other hand, if you are the one who tends to get jealous, it may be obvious to you that your partner is the one with the problem.

Perhaps, from your point of view, he or she truly is a flirt and sometimes even talks, looks at or touches others in ways that you find inappropriate.

What's your perspective? 
When it comes to jealousy, your perspective can truly alter what you see. It can mean the difference between words or actions being innocent and "no big deal" OR them being suspicious and betraying.

This is really important to remember as you set about to communicate about jealousy in a way that helps you and your partner move closer together.

Try to move beyond the question of who's right and who's wrong.

You are certainly experiencing a situation in a particular way and your mate is probably experiencing the same situation differently.

In order for the two of you to be able to talk about what you each want and to create agreements you both can stick with, it's vital that you remind yourself that your perspective is not the only
perspective of what's going on.

Does this mean that you have to just sit there silently while, for example, your boyfriend so clearly checks out an attractive woman who walks by?

Of course not.

What it means is that instead of yelling around about it or storming off, you make a clear and, as calm as possible, choice about what you'll do next.

Speak honestly and about your feelings. The next time that Joe comes home late to an irate wife, he does something out of the ordinary.

He hears her litany of questions... "Where were you? How do I know you were really at work? When will you learn to treat me with respect and call me when you'll be late?"

Then, Joe tells Kristi that he's going to take a few moments by himself and then he'd like to talk with her about this whole situation.

She is surprised, because this is not Joe's usual reaction, which is to yell back at her that she needs to just trust him and stay out of his business.

During this time alone, Joe takes some deep breaths and calms down. When he steps back from his own perspective for a moment, he can understand why Kristi would be upset and even feel jealous and worried.

Joe returns to Kristi and apologizes for being late and for his habit of not calling to let her know his plans. He then opens up and shares with her how sad he feels about the tension and conflict between them lately.

He tells her that knows that he's not easy to live with and that he feels trapped and boxed in when Kristi lays in on him with accusations and interrogations.

Together, Joe and Kristi begin to sort through how they each feel. A greater understanding of where they are both coming from results.

There is no magic cure for jealousy.

But, when you can begin to own and communicate honestly about your emotions and you take responsibility for your share in the habits that are driving you two apart, magical things can happen.

Choose words that reflect your experience of the situation. Do not label your partner's experience or guess what he or she wants or is feeling.

You can always ask questions to get more information about what's happening for him or her.

For example, Joe says to Kristi, "I get really angry when you automatically assume that I'm sleeping around with another woman because I get home late. But, I wonder if you are afraid that that's exactly what I'm doing when I don't call. Is that true for you?"

When you ask a question, be sure you really listen to your mate's response. Even if you don't agree with his or her perspective, you might be able to better understand what's going on for him or her when you do.

From this place of listening and sharing honestly, you and your partner can create agreements that will help you to overcome jealousy, bolster trust and begin to move closer together. 

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When Your Partner Wants "More" and You're Not Sure

Let's say that you have been dating a particular person for a period of time and the relationship has been fun, interesting, passionate and overall quite enjoyable. But now your partner wants more.

He or she has commented to you that it's time to take your relationship to the "next level." Frankly, this suggestion strikes fear and torment in you!

You really care about your partner-- you might even love him or her-- but you don't want to make a change or go to any "next level."

This dynamic can result in a lot of confusion, misunderstanding, hurt feelings and distance. You might see your partner as ruining a good thing by asking for more. Your partner may feel like you are dragging your feet and resisting a deeper commitment.

It might seem that the two of you are very far apart when it comes to what you want for the future of your relationship. And it may even appear that you two have to make a radical decision that could even mean breaking up.

Is it possible for two people who seem to want such different things to remain in a healthy and satisfying relationship? Will one of you have to give in and let go of what you truly desire in order to stay together?

This is a difficult-- and common-- relationship challenge. And these questions can be equally difficult to resolve.

Take heart if you are in such a relationship dilemma. Other people have faced these questions and apparent disagreements and have figured out how to stay together. You can too if that's what you decide to do.

It is possible for your relationship to weather this kind of obstacle as well. In fact, you might find that you two end up closer than before.

Get clear about what you do want. 
When you feel triggered and confused because your partner seems to desire a change that you are not so sure about, it's time for some clarity.

Our first suggestion to you is to stop jumping to conclusions about what this suggestion will mean-- or even about what your partner might be thinking.

Focus in on what you can know for sure; this is what you DO want.

Ask yourself if you want to continue being in a relationship with this person. Think about the agreements that you two might have made so far and feel into yourself to see if those still feel acceptable to you.

What are the changes you might like to make in your relationship?  Please note that we are not asking what changes you'd like your partner to make. What would you like to be different in your relationship?

This can include your own behaviors and habits as well as the way you and your partner interact and communicate.

Overall, how do you feel about this person? Be certain to acknowledge all of your feelings and also what you appreciate.

Get clearer about what your partner wants. 
If you want to stay in this relationship, you probably want there to be a healthy connection between the two of you. You probably want this disagreement about taking your relationship to the "next level" to be resolved in a way that pleases you both.

Another step toward such a resolution is to be clearer about what your partner wants.

When your partner asks for "more" or to move your relationship to the "next level," this might mean something completely different than what you guess it means.

Is he or she talking about getting married? Moving in together? Creating a drawer or space in the bathroom of his or her house for a few of your personal belongings?

It could mean any or none of these things.

Communicate your questions in a way that promotes openness. For example, you might say: "When you tell me that you want more from our relationship, what does that mean to you? Can you tell me more about what you want?" 

Your partner could then give you some specific ideas of what he or she is talking about. Feel free to ask for time to think about what has been requested.

Again, when you ask for time you can choose words that will encourage connection.

For instance, you could reply: "I appreciate you giving me more information about what you want. I care very much about you and our relationship and I will respond to what you are asking. Can we sit down together tomorrow evening after I've had a
chance to process and think more about what you've said?" 

Instead of making assumptions and reacting out of fear, irritation or resistance, get a fuller picture of what you want and what your partner wants. From there, you can more easily see the overlap between what you both desire and choose your next direction from there.

If this type of change still feels overwhelming to you, you can ask your partner to take it one decision at a time. There are almost always options that allow you both to feel satisfied while keeping your connection close. 

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Can You Truly Just "Have Fun"?

It's the classic dating situation: Two people meet. They are attracted to one another and begin to spend time together. The continue to spend time together and become intimate.

One person makes it clear that he or she just wants to "have fun" and does not want a relationship or to get serious. As time passes, however, confusion, disagreement and possible pain about this "non-relationship" grows.

So, is it possible to just "have fun" together?

Of course it is. When two people have an agreement that they are both wanting to be casual about their interactions with one another, it can be fun and enjoyable.

This, however, is not a committed relationship.

We certainly hope that there is fun and enjoyment in love relationships and marriages, but there are also other elements that the casual dating experience does not usually include.

Let's back up a bit...

There are many people who simply don't want to be in a love relationship.

They may have had painful experiences in past relationships and still feel too vulnerable and wounded to jump back into another one now, or ever. They may hold beliefs that they will lose independence and a sense of control over their lives if they enter into a committed relationship.

Or, perhaps, they are clear within themselves that they do not want that kind of depth and level of involvement with another person right now.

None of these reasons are wrong.

It gets tricky, however, when a person who is not wanting to be in a relationship does want to date and possibly be sexually intimate with other people.

Upon first getting together, it might seem acceptable to the other person to just "have fun." But attachments can happen over time.  Feelings can deepen and grow.

The person who was initially okay with a non-relationship dating arrangement might find him or herself wanting more.

When both people do not want more at the same time, the fun quickly drains away leaving mainly hurt feelings and upset.

Make agreements with yourself. 
We understand that when you are first getting to know another person to whom you are attracted, neither of you really knows if this will turn into a love relationship or not.

At that first date, asking the other person to make relationship commitments to you is probably not a wise idea-- nor is it probably one that you would choose.

You are learning more about this person; you probably don't want to force things or end up in a relationship with someone whom you aren't all that excited about after all.

We encourage you to make commitments and agreements with yourself.

• What is most important to you when it comes to this dating experience?
• How would you like to be treated by this new person in your life?
• Are there particular expectations that you have of him or her?
• If the two of you are sexually intimate, what kind of agreements will you make?

While it may be unclear to you (and to your date) whether or not you want to deepen your interactions and eventually be in a committed relationship together, you can become very clear within yourself about what you want.

For example, if you truly are wanting to be in a committed relationship in the near future, be honest with yourself about that.  Whether it's this person or another, if this is what you really want, admit it to yourself.

Communicate as you go along. 
Keep the lines of communication open and honest as you are in this dating and "having fun" situation. Listen to what the other person is saying and ask yourself if this is acceptable to you at this time.

After a few months, you might want more. This is why continuing to talk is so important.

Again, we aren't suggesting that during the first weeks of dating, you corner this other person and try to get him or her to make a commitment to a relationship.

Yes, make agreements in the moment and make commitments that fit
where you are.

We also recommend that if your dating partner is clearly against being in a relationship and you would like to keep that open as a future possibility, be honest.

When you say okay to no relationship, that is also an agreement.

If you are amenable to a "no relationship" agreement, be sure that you continue to check in with yourself as the two of you spend more and more time together.

Be clear about what just "having fun" means to each of you in terms of dating other people and sexual intimacy.

Dating and attracting a love relationship can be difficult to do.  There are a lot of unknowns and many occasions for potential misunderstandings.

Keep the connection between you and you strong. Stay open and be honest about where you are and what you want. Above all, trust that you can have the kind of experience and relationships that you desire.

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The Hazards of Breakup Guilt

Jenny feels miserable. She is having a difficult time sleeping, cries easily and feels mostly like hiding away in her apartment.  This all began after her breakup with her long-term boyfriend.

It's all a big surprise to Jenny because breaking up was her idea.  She's the one who told him that their relationship was over. She's the one who packed up, moved out and started a new life...or, at least, is trying to.

If you are the one who broke up with or filed for divorce from your partner, you might be just as shocked as Jenny about how you feel.

Yes, you could be relieved that you are finally free of the angst, drama and emotional pain that possibly was present in your former relationship. You may be certain that breaking up was the best choice to make and yet...

You might also feel guilt.

You may feel guilty about making the choice to end the relationship, guilty about how torn up your ex is about you leaving or guilty about your role in whatever drove a wedge between you two in the first place.

We're here to tell you that guilt is not going to mend your ex's broken heart and it's not going to help you feel better. Guilt is mostly going to keep you stuck in the pain of the past and prevent you from creating the kind of future that you want for yourself.

If you aren't already familiar with the hazards of guilt, here are a few that you may be experiencing: sadness, depression, sleep disturbances, lack of appetite, overeating, tension in existing relationships, mood swings and even physical health problems.

Guilt is never beneficial for you, but it may be what you are feeling. So, how can you make the guilt go away?

Take responsibility and learn from what happened. 
Another interesting thing about guilt is that sometimes it is a way that a person unconsciously avoids taking ownership for his or her actions.

Instead of stepping up and saying, "Yes, I did____ and now I will make amends for that" the person continually focuses in on how guilty he or she is and really doesn't do anything more about it.

Calling yourself a "bad person" or otherwise beating up on yourself out of guilt is not taking responsibility-- it is an avoidance technique.

There may be nothing you can do to make amends to your partner. In fact, there might not even be a reason for you to make amends.  However, you can own your words and actions. You can take responsibility for whatever it is you are feeling so guilty about if this is truly appropriate to do.

This is NOT a suggestion for you to take the blame for why you and your ex-partner broke up. This is NOT advice telling you to try to be responsible for your ex's emotions or well-being.

This IS about you acknowledging that you made the choices you made and deciding if there is anything more you need to do to bring closure to the situation.

The process of taking responsibility for your share in whatever happened between you and your ex may not involve you communicating with him or her-- or it might. Feel into yourself and listen for what you are called to do next.

Be sure that you are really learning from this inner work. If there were specific habits of yours that seemed to be part of what drove you and your ex apart, this is probably something you want to address (and change) before you enter a new relationship.

Deliberately take steps to release the past-- and the guilt. 
Releasing the past is what it's all about. You cannot possibly move past the guilt and past your ended relationship-- complete with its angst, drama and pain-- until you let it all go.

Notice the specific memories or thoughts where you are feeling most stuck. These are most likely the places where you have unresolved business to attend to. This will probably involve you taking ownership for your role in a dynamic and learning from it.

When you feel like you have learned all that you can from this particular incident or tendency in your ended relationship, come up with a specific way that you can release it.

Get creative if that helps. Write a letter about it (whether or not you mail it is not important). Burn a symbol of the incident or habit in your fireplace. Get in a sauna or steam room and "sweat" it out.

Symbolic completion rituals like these can be very effective in helping you let go of whatever is keeping you stuck.

Another very important way to release the past (and the guilt) is to keep yourself focused on the present moment.

Stop fixating on the past and what you "should" have said or done differently. If you've taken responsibility, made amends-- if that was appropriate-- and learned from it, all that's left for you to do is to deliberately bring yourself back to the here and now. 

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3 Tips for Re-Connecting After Jealousy Gets in the Way

Have you ever said or done something in the heat of jealousy and then uttered these words...

"I can't believe I just did that!"

If so, you are not alone.

The fear, worry and anger of jealousy can become so inflamed that it appears to take over your better senses. You might end up feeling mostly regret for what you just did.

Even if you don't feel regret about your jealousy-motivated actions or words (because sometimes they seem perfectly justified), it may become clear to you that it is getting in the way.

Jealousy is getting in the way of you and your partner having the kind of connection that you'd like.

Jealousy is getting in the way of the kind of communication you want to have with your mate.

Jealousy is getting in the way of the confident and assured manner that you'd like for yourself.

When you become adept at recognizing your jealous feelings when they first appear, you can start to apply techniques that can help you find ease and resolution easier and sooner...before you say the words or take the actions that lead to further distance in your relationship.

But that kind of early identification doesn't always happen. You need to know what steps you could take to re-connect with your partner after jealousy has appeared to have taken hold of you.

You need to know what to do when you are looking back at what just happened and you say to yourself...

"I can't believe I just did that!"

Here are three simple, yet very powerful, tips for re-connecting in just such a situation:

#1) Take responsibility.

Let's face it. It's not usually comfortable (or easy) to own up to what you've done.

We humans seem to have a propensity for pointing the finger of blame at anyone-- or anything-- other than us when something regrettable has occurred.

We aren't asking you to take the full brunt of the blame for the hurtful words that were said or the disconnecting actions that were taken. In fact, we don't want to focus on blame at all.

Instead, we encourage you to take responsibility for your share of the dynamics that are moving you and your partner further apart. Take no more and no less responsibility than your share.

Acknowledge that you are struggling with jealousy and that you allowed your jealous emotions to take over. Admit to what you've done or said with honesty and openness.

#2) Make amends.

Don't underestimate the power of a genuine and heartfelt apology. It does need to truly come from the heart, however.

Your partner can most likely feel it if you really are sorry about what happened.

When you apologize, don't apologize for anything but what you are responsible for. It is helpful if you see your apology as an end unto itself, rather than a way to force your mate to own up to what you think he or she should be sorry for.

If it feels appropriate, you can ask your partner how you might make amends for what you've done. Really listen to what he or she is requesting.

Are you willing to make amends in this way? If not, is there another action that is similar to this that you might propose?

When you do agree to make amends in a particular way, be sure to follow through.

Every time that you follow through-- whether it's making amends or on other agreements-- you bolster trust and promote connection.

#3) Learn from what happened.

This is essential. Remember the saying, "Those who forget the lessons of history are doomed to repeat them?"

Take a thorough and honest look at your jealousy habit and the past (and present) experiences and dynamics that fuel it.

If you have low self esteem, it is probable the your jealousy is being fed by those beliefs. If you still carry around pain from being cheated on in the past, this is probably playing a part in your jealousy today.

Begin to make completions with your past and also to change any limiting beliefs so that you can stop your jealousy habit. It might take time and a lot of persistence-- but it's worth it.
 

While these 3 tips may seem simplistic, they are potentially relationship-altering. In many cases, people know what is required in difficult situations such as those involving jealousy, but they don't take the common sense steps called for.

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3 Things to Say When Your Man is Staring at Other Women

Jessica is furious. She and her boyfriend, Todd, are out having dinner together at their favorite restaurant. Yet, again, Jessica notices that Todd is starting at every attractive woman that passes by their table. This is a busy, trendy restaurant, so that's a lot!

From her perspective, Todd isn't even trying to hide the fact that he's checking out other women. When he craned his neck to watch the backside of a good-looking woman walk by, Jessica can't take it any longer.

She throws her drink in his face, grabs her purse and storms out of the restaurant. When Todd calls Jessica later that night, he is angry. He tells her that she's making a "big deal out of nothing."  As usual, Todd reminds her that he's never cheated on her and that looking at other women is completely harmless.

If you're a woman who is in a love relationship or marriage with a man who tends to stare at other women, you would probably agree with Jessica that this is NOT a completely harmless behavior. While it's true that checking out an attractive woman is vastly different than cheating, there is an effect...and it's not beneficial to
relationship connection and trust.

When your man stares at other women, you may try to keep your cool and pretend that it doesn't bother you. If this is your usual reaction, good luck keeping that up!

Or, you might try to talk with him about this. You may have already asked him to stop the behavior and he may have even agreed to, but he hasn't kept his word. Like Todd, your man may have brushed away your concerns (and your feelings), called you jealous and become defensive.

If you're bothered that your partner is staring at other women, escalating your criticisms of his behavior is probably not working.  Quietly fuming about it isn't helpful to you or your relationship
either.

Before we offer you communication advice for what you could say when he's staring at other women, we encourage you to do this first...

Stop the stories and get clear about what's true. 

If your partner has a history of checking out other women, you're possibly expecting him to keep doing this. You may also have a big story already firmly planted in your mind about why he does this and what it means.

Some-- or none-- of that story may be true.

Before you say or do anything at all, notice what you're thinking and how you're feeling. Pay attention to what you might be telling yourself in an attempt to understand his behavior and then get really clear about what's your story and what's actually going on.

It may be that, this time, he was not actually staring at another woman. Perhaps he truly was looking at the game on the tv above the bar. Maybe he was searching for your server so that he could order an appetizer.

Maybe and maybe not.

If there's a question in your mind about what he actually was doing, acknowledge that to yourself. Really hone in on what you can reliably know about what he was doing and pay special attention to how you feel about it.

Now, you're ready to communicate about this... 

#1: "I'd like to connect with you."
Believe it or not, you don't even have to make an accusation like, "I see you checking her out!" in order to change the situation. Focus in on what you really want-- that could be to have a close and loving connection with your man.

If this is what you really want, let him know that without pointing out how he is to blame for what you believe you don't have.

This is NOT letting him "off the hook." What a statement like this does is to communicate to your partner that he's important to you and that you'd like to check in with him. It can re-direct his attention back to you. From there, you two can engage in whatever conversation or activity you were doing before.

#2: "I feel ignored and rejected when you stare at other women." 
"I feel" statements are powerful ways to address a troubling situation without putting the other person on the defensive. You are taking ownership for how you feel and you place your feelings in the context of his behaviors.

Let's be clear that nobody-- not even your man-- can make you feel any particular way. You feel how you feel largely because of your thoughts, beliefs and perceptions. This doesn't mean that it's okay for your partner to ogle other women, either.

Let him know that you have feelings that come up when he acts in certain ways. A statement like this can open the door to how you two can work together so that you BOTH feel fulfilled in your relationship.

#3: "I think she's pretty too. Now, can I have your attention so that we can return to our date?"
This third possible statement is one that acknowledges what's going on (from your perspective) and then re-focuses both of you on what your true priority is-- your date, your dinner together, your conversation and each other.

You know, some people are absolutely gorgeous. This doesn't mean that you're not attractive, that you have to compete with someone who looks like a model or that your man thinks that you're ugly and wants to have an affair*.

It could mean that this woman caught your man's eye for some reason. You don't have to make it more than what it is. Just recognize out loud what you see is happening and let him know that you're interested in engaging with him.

Make sure that whatever you choose to say feels genuine to you and, if at all possible, speak in ways that encourage openness and honesty. Try words like these and see what happens.
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*If you see red flags or signs that your partner IS having an affair, don't ignore them. Be wise and rely on tangible evidence to decide what's really going on. 

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7 RIDICULOUS LAWS AGAINST WOMEN

1. In Maryland, a woman cannot go through her husband’s pockets while he is sleeping. Not even if she really wants a piece of gum.
2. In Vermont, a woman must obtain written permission from her husband if she wishes to wear false teeth. Because women really lead with their teeth in wanton, uncontrolled sexuality.
3. In Tucson, Arizona, women are not allowed to wear pants. No word on the stance on booty shorts or thongs.
4. In Carrizozo, New Mexico, it is illegal for a woman to appear unshaven in public. Rejoice, razor industry, rejoice!
5. In Dyersburg, Tennessee, it is illegal for a woman to call a man on a date. I don’t want to live in a world where equal-opportunity drunk dialing isn’t free to all.
6. In Carmel, New York, women may not wear high heels within the city limits. They are obviously just protecting their citizens, as this move effectively disqualifies the city from ever letting a “Sex and the City” sequel to be shot in their town. Good move, Carmel!
7. In Michigan, a woman isn’t allowed to cut her hair without her husband’s permission. But what if her husband cuts it for her?

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4 signs that you're too dependent on your partner

Sharing intimate parts of yourself you would not normally disclose to anyone else is what commitment is all about, but how do you know when you have become emotionally dependent on your partner?

Relationships are about being close.

Emotional dependence can stem from many different experiences in life. Some people grow to depend on their partners after going through several unsuccessful relationships.

Others only allow themselves to become close to very few people, thus coveting the relationships that form as a result. The desire to find the ‘right person’ sometimes overshadows what really exists in any given situation.

Below are some signs that you have become too emotionally dependent on your partner:

Difficulty completing simple tasks on your own 

While it is okay to rely on the help of your partner in certain situations, you should be able to remain independent. Many adults who are in healthy relationships have no trouble going shopping separately, socialising on their own, or even taking part in different activities when at home.

A loss of your own identity is another sure sign of dependency 

A healthy relationship is between two people who haven’t sacrificed their identities to be with one another. That’s part of what makes each relationship unique. Learning how to accept and appreciate each other as well as share in life experiences is what keeps couples together for many years. 

If you are unable to make decisions on your own, you are probably too emotionally dependent on your partner 

Whilst there are many decisions couples should make together, each person in a relationship is faced with various personal decisions that should be made independently. If you are constantly looking to your partner for guidance, you are not relying on your own knowledge and wisdom.

These decisions can range from very simple to quite complex. Either way, decision making is an important part of being independent.

The inability to go through life without a partner can also signify emotional dependency

There are women who always need to be in a relationship, regardless of whether it is a healthy one. Instead of constantly looking for anyone to validate you, search for someone who is compatible with you.

If you are able to be independent in your own life, you will be able to make sound decisions in a relationship. This will make for a strong union because both you and your partner will possess the ability to support each other through various aspects of life.

This makes for an equal, healthy relationship that involves both give and take.

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Communication E-Course--DAY 8 - ‏Take responsibility for your part in the communication dance

We've all heard the phrase "It takes two to tango", but in 
the "dance" we call relationships, how many of us really 
believe it and live it? 

The truth is not many. 

In a relationship where communication is an issue, there 
are usually two ways people take responsibility and both 
create challenges:

1. Either they take far more than their share of 
responsibility, playing the martyr or 
2. They don't accept any or very little responsibility, 
playing the victim. 

What we're going to suggest in this session is that the 
best way to communicate with each other is in a third, 
more empowering way. This way of communicating is based 
on the idea of a conscious partnership. 

In a conscious partnership, both people are total partners 
in all ways.

In a conscious partnership, each person accepts the idea 
that he/she is the creator of everything in his/her life. 

In a conscious partnership, each partner accepts 100% of 
responsibility for their own actions and for expressing 
their true selves-- especially in their communication with 
each other. 

Some people have accumulated negative connotations 
surrounding the word "responsibility." Either they've 
felt like they have had to take on much more responsibility 
in life than they wanted or they've tried to escape 
accepting responsibility, either consciously or 
unconsciously.

Taking responsibility does not mean, "fixing someone" or 
making them wrong and you right, or vise versa. 

It also doesn't mean that one person is more responsible 
than the other to make the relationship work. 

When it comes to communication issues in relationships, 
taking 100% responsibility means committing to 
authentically communicating straight from your heart with 
the people in your life in all ways as much of the time 
as possible.


Examples of When We Don't Take Responsibility... 

Here's how not taking responsibility for our part of the 
communication dance can negatively affect our 
relationships: 

1. When we blame others. 
By blaming others for a communication issue or problem, we 
are placing ALL of the responsibility on someone else. Even 
if the other person could have (or should have) done a 
better job of communicating with you, you have to take your 
share of the responsibility for the communication gap, 
problem or issue as well. Very often, most of us aren't 
willing to do that. Most of us would rather spend our time 
being stuck in our "rightness" instead of spending that same 
time trying to reconnect and make our relationship stronger. 

2. When we hold back. 
By holding back and not sharing our whole truth, then we're 
not being 100% in the relationship. When you're holding 
back in your communication for any reason while wanting to 
have a deep, connected relationship, it is a lot like 
sticking your big toe in the water and calling it swimming. 
It just doesn't work. In the short term, holding back may 
seem like a good idea to help us avoid some pain. But, in 
the long term, holding back in our communication will never 
serve the highest good of the relationship if our intention 
is to have open, honest communication and a deep, connected 
relationship. 

3. When we make assumptions.
By making assumptions about something or someone we are 
simply guessing that we know or understand how another 
person thinks, feels or what's important to them. Before 
you start making assumptions that could be potentially 
damaging to a relationship, take responsibility for getting 
clear about anything that seems fuzzy or unclear to you. 

4. When we're not conscious about our feelings or 
what's important to us.

We've had several people ask us at our workshops and 
seminars, "What if I just don't know what I want or what 
I'm feeling?" Our answer is that if you don't know what 
you're thinking or feeling, go underneath to explore your 
thoughts and feelings and see what it is you're afraid 
you'll expose or unearth if you really get to the core 
of your feelings. In that space, you will find a place 
to begin your healing. Exploring your feelings takes 
attention and intention. If you find feelings that are 
difficult for you to handle alone, make sure you contact 
a psychologist to help you.

The previous examples of how we don't take responsibility 
are only four ways they can manifest. There are many others 
we could explore but these were the biggies. 

In Otto's opinion, the core issue that ended his first 
marriage was the inability of both he and his wife to 
accept their share of responsibility--no more, no less--in 
the relationship. Otto didn't communicate his needs and 
by default, his wife ran their lives by her rules until 
the marriage had clearly run out of gas and he decided to 
leave the marriage. 

There was also a responsibility challenge between Susie and 
her first husband because neither one of them acknowledged 
to each other that there was anything wrong with their 
relationship until it was too late.

Very early in our relationship, we recognized that this was 
a major issue for both of us. So, what we did was create 
the agreement between us that we would each take 100% 
responsibility for communicating our thoughts, fears, joys 
and ideas in this relationship. What this means to us is 
that we will each tell each other when we feel hurt, 
misunderstood, or angry as soon as we recognize the feeling 
within us. Also, it is a commitment to accept that we 
are each creating our own experiences and to move into 
healing the situation rather than hanging on to being right. 

Some time ago, Susie said something that hurt and angered 
Otto. He took a short amount of time to go inside himself 
to identify what he was feeling. Instead of holding it in 
and not speaking about it, he told Susie how he was feeling. 
He took responsibility for telling her that he was hurt and 
in the process, uncovered some unresolved issues that didn't 
have anything to do with her. She listened and accepted 
that he was hurt by what she had said, although she hadn't 
realized it before he told her. A deeper issue for Susie 
also came to light during their sharing. As they continued 
to talk, Susie asked him how she could say what she said 
differently in the future and he gave her some suggestions. 

In this example, both of us took responsibility, both of us 
listened to each other, both of us expressed how we felt and 
we both agreed on how we would do it differently in the 
future. Because we each felt "heard," there was a shift 
between us from disconnection to connection. 

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Now, take a look at responsibility in your relationships.

1. What does the word "responsibility" mean to you?



2. Do you tend to take more of your share of 
responsibility in your relationships or less? In what 
ways?



3. How does this play out in your communication with 
the people in your life?



4. If you have a partner and you are doing this course 
together, discuss some ways that you can both be more 
responsible in your communication with each other. If you're 
doing this course by yourself, talk with a trusted friend 
about this session and discuss some of these ideas. Then 
write down some ways you can begin being more responsible 
in healthy ways in your communication and your 
relationships. 



5. What agreements are you willing to make either with 
yourself or with your partner about communicating that will 
help both of you take 100% responsibility in your 
relationships?




********************************


TIPS for taking your share of responsibility
1. Remember that you can't change another person. 
You can only change yourself. If someone is not taking 
responsibility the way you think he or she should, you 
are only in charge of YOU and not that other person.

2. By you taking your share and only your share of 
responsibility, you are changing the dynamics between the 
two of you.

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6 Unhealthy Things You Should Stop Saying Now

Experts share the very worst kinds of things women say — and how to spin that toxic vocab into positive thinking.

1. “Look at my arm jiggle.”

The situation: Over a glass of pinot with your BFFs, girl talk suddenly turns into a competition of who hates their body more.

Why it’s unhealthy: Pointing out and focusing on the alleged jiggle, whether to friends or yourself, is harmful to your body image and self-esteem. Even if your intent is to seek an image-boosting compliment, it can backfire, prompting you to agonize even more over your body flaws and making you feel worse.

Next time, say: “Did I tell you about the cool project I’m managing at work?” or “I love your new haircut!” The point here is to spend time with your friends celebrating each other’s successes instead of commiserating over flaws.

2. “You always…” or “You never…”

The situation: Your husband leaves his dirty dinner dish in the sink. Again. And again.

Why it’s unhealthy: These unproductive taunts have the potential to snowball out of control, so you suddenly find yourself fighting and screaming about big issues like money or parenting instead of the pile of plates, explains Marianne Gillow, PhD, a psychiatrist in private practice in New York City.

Next time, say: “I have a problem with…” Describe the bothersome behavior in a precise way, which allows you to get to the nuance of the fight, and settle it quickly. “If you’re going to fight with a loved one, it’s best to keep it as specific as possible,” Gillow says.

3. “I’m such a pig.”

The situation: You feel guilty about inhaling an entire bag of pretzel M&Ms, so you confess to your co-worker about your diet slip-up.

Why it’s unhealthy: This self-judgmental jab picks apart your self-esteem, making you more likely to binge further, creating a vicious cycle. In many cases, you’re actually saying it in hopes of getting reassurance from your friends that you are not, in fact, a pig, which is equally as dangerous. “If you’re depending on someone else to tell you how to feel, you’re not taking responsibility for your own confidence and happiness,” says Bennett.

Next time, say: “That was so yummy.” Simply enjoy the indulgence and vow to eat something healthy at your next meal or snack. Or, if you’re eating to the point of discomfort, be aware of your actions. “Make a mental note so you can choose differently next time,” says Bennett. If you turned to the vending machine after a particularly stressful meeting, brainstorm a smarter solution for next time, like venting to your office best friend or taking a mind-clearing walk.

4. “I’m soooo sorry.”

The situation: You brush up against someone in the elevator. Or ask a question in a big meeting. Or fumble around in your wallet and take too long to pay the cashier at the coffee shop.

Why it’s unhealthy: “Over-apologizing for minor, unnecessary things can do a number on your self-worth because you’re basically saying, ‘I’m not important,’” Bennett says.

Next time, say: Nothing at all. Bite your tongue and reserve those earnest apologies for acts that truly deserve them.

5. “Ugh, I’m beyond stressed.”

The situation: You stare at the 72 unread emails in your inbox or your three-page-and-growing to-do list and throw up your hands in despair.

Why it’s unhealthy: With four small words, you imply incompetence. “A lot of times we speak in terms of ‘all or nothing,’ and those statements lead nowhere but down,” says Bennett. Take a step back and have another look at the situation. You’ll probably realize that you’re not falling apart, but you could just use some help prioritizing or delegating. You’re only human, and you can pretty much only do one thing at a time.

Next time, say: “I’m feeling challenged right now.” This puts you in a solution-seeking mindset and you can figure out what to do to move forward.

6. “I can’t afford this.”

The situation: You ogle a gorgeous pair of strappy sandals in your favorite department store (and put them right back down after seeing the price tag). Or you go into sticker shock when the travel agent tallies the cost of the Caribbean cruise you were thinking of booking for your anniversary.

Why it’s unhealthy: When you use the word “can’t,” you’re acting as if you’re not in control of your own situation, and so you limit your possibilities. “Most likely, with some creativity, you could find a way to buy those shoes or take that trip,” says Bennett.

Next time, say: “I choose not to spend money on that right now.” This empowers you with the option of spending money later and brainstorming about how to budget for it.

 

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The psychology of relationships: What is Symbiosis?

Symbiosis is a concept which helps to explain one type of unhealthy relationship. The term symbiosis comes from biology, where it is used to describe two organisms working together for mutual benefit and, in the process, acting as one. 

The classical example of symbiosis is lichens, "plants" which grow on rocks or tree trunks. They build flat and often round colonies on bare stones, sometimes in beautiful colors like bright yellow or orange. Sometimes one can see them hanging off tree branches like beards. Lichens are "double-organisms". One part of them is an algae, which can produce food through photosynthesis. However, it needs water to live and it wouldn't survive living on bare, exposed rock. The other part of a lichen is a fungus. It can't produce food, because fungi can't photosynthesize, but it is very tough and can protect the algae from dehydration and other environmental dangers. The two organisms work as one and need each other to survive.

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Psychologically, we use the term symbiosis in a similar way to describe a relationship where two people function as one. However, in contrast to the biological term, it refers to a relationship pattern which is not healthy, since a couple is existentially two separate people who need to be separate for both of them to be able to express their individuality and different needs.

Picture two people. Both of them have three ego states, a parent ego state, an adult ego state and a child ego state. A healthy relationship can be described as one where both people can use all their ego states to relate to the other person. This means there is flexibility in the relationship. One person might be looking after the other for a while using their parent ego state while the other receives the care from a child ego state place. Then they go on to talk about daily routines, both using their adult ego states. And in the end, when matters are clarified, they might go on to play with each other, both accessing their child ego states.

In a relationship with a symbiotic pattern, both people use only some of their ego states to relate to each other, resulting in less flexibility. It's as if both partners take on stable roles and don't come out of them again. In symbiosis, two people function as if they only had one set of ego states between them. For example, person A might use their parent ego state and adult ego state to relate to person B, who mostly uses his or her child ego state to relate to A. Between them they only have one parent, one adult and one child ego state that is activated. This results in stable roles of A being the "carer" or the "responsible one", and B gets to be looked after. The same pattern will also result in a power differential between both partners. A gets to say what will happen, and B consents and follows. Or there might be a pattern , where B normally gets his or her way by using child-like tactics such as emotional blackmail or tantrums.

Both partners lose out in this pattern. Person A often gets power and can feel needed (for some people that will be part of their script), but they will miss out on being looked after or looking after themselves properly, because they don't access their child ego state and don't go with what they need and want for themselves. Person A might also not get a lot of time to play, but might always feel responsible for what is going on. Person B will get looked after, but that can also be experienced as belittling and not allowing person B to own their own power and competency. Person B doesn't access his or her adult and parent ego states and stays in a place of passive dependency.

The symbiotic pattern results in the classical set-up of a rescuer or caretaker and a needy and dependent partner in a relationship. It doesn't allow for flexibility or equality and it limits both partners in their freedom to be themselves.

However, both partners may have an investment in keeping the symbiosis going. Symbiotic relationships can be extremely stable and feel like they are very close, because they don't allow for difference. The roles are very predictable and therefore might feel very safe. Both partners know what's expected of them. Also, the roles in the symbiosis are learned in childhood. Person A might have started to be an emotional carer for his or her parents, when he or she was still a small child. Staying with this role as an adult allows him or her to stay within their script. The same is true for person B. He or she might have learned that it's best to stay little and not take responsibility or want his or her own way and staying within this role in an adult relationship means they don't have to change and look at themselves.

The way out of symbiosis starts when you look at what your investment in it is. Do you need to be needed? Do you need to be in control to feel safe (like person A)? Or do you get scared of being yourself or going out into the world? Or you may still have a lot of longing for being a child left over from your childhood and instead of facing the grief over your lost childhood you might opt for becoming the dependent person in an adult relationship (like person B). Remember that both people miss out on some of their innate capacities: person A on looking after themselves and going for what's good for them, and person B on their own power and competence. Whichever role you tend to go for, start owning what you are missing out on. Person A needs to accept that they are only emotionally responsible for themselves, like any other adult in this world. This may bring up a lot of issues for them, for example if being needed covers up a fear of being abandoned or a sense of not being good enough for the other person to stay around if they aren't looking after them. Person B needs to own and express their knowledge, competence and power in the world. He or she needs to take responsibility for their own emotional and physical well being.

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Difference Between Healthy and Unhealthy Sex

Learning how to distinguish healthy sex from other forms of sex can empower you to bring Healthy Sex more into your own life.

The chart below outlines how healthy sexuality differs from abusive sex and addictive sex.

Sexual Abuse and Addiction	Healthy Sex
Sex is uncontrollable energy	Sex is controllable energy
Sex is an obligation	Sex is a choice
Sex is addictive	Sex is a natural drive
Sex is hurtful	Sex is nurturing, healing
Sex is a condition for love or devoid of love	Sex is an expression of love
Sex is "doing to" someone	Sex is sharing with someone; sex is part of who I am
Sex is void of communication	sex requires communication
Sex is secretive	Sex is private
Sex is exploitative	Sex is respectful
Sex is deceitful	Sex is honest
Sex benefits one person	Sex is mutual
Sex is emotionally distant	Sex is intimate
Sex is irresponsible	Sex is responsible
Sex is unsafe	Sex is safe
Sex has no limits	Sex has boundaries
Sex is power over someone	Sex is empowering
Sex requires a double life	Sex enhances who you really are
Sex compromises your values	Sex reflects your values
Sex feels shameful	Sex enhances self esteem

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What is an unhealthy relationship?

Discover what makes a relationship unhealthy and the impact an unhealthy relationship has on a person.

Relationships are something we have from the moment we are born until we die. Healthy or unhealthy, our relationships begin with our parents, families, schoolmates, friends and so on. 

Every one of these relationships can help us, enrich us, and make us better people as well as simply give us joy. 

Unhealthy relationships can leave us feeling uncomfortable, sad and afraid. It is very difficult for people to let the realization set in that perhaps a friend, co-worker or family member isn't treating them well or respectful, as they should be. It can be even more difficult when the person treating them this way is a lover.

This doesn't mean if someone treats you badly or you have a disagreement that the relationship is automatically unhealthy. Disagreements happen in healthy relationships all the time. Most often what makes a relationship healthy is the need and act of compromising when disagreements occur.

The unhealthy relationship is marred by a need to control one or the other. When arguments happen, a person is always made to feel bad about themselves; when ridicule and name-calling is the norm. When one party dictates how the other is to dress, to think and to feel, when time is not made for them or their friends. 

When fear of that person's temper discourages relationships or closeness to other people. In a relationship where one party or the other uses physical, verbal or emotional harm to force cooperation and obedience is not healthy. None of these are healthy signs in a relationship.

Fear, grief and rage are not and should not be a regular part of any relationship. Yes, people will get angry and sad through the normal course of things, but when it is constant and it achieves a level of 'abuse' - the relationship isn't healthy.

Abuse doesn't have to be physical, although when people consider abuse they think of the bruises and the injuries. Mental and emotional abuse is far crueler, leaves much deeper wounds and is not always visible. 

The reasons why these relationships persist aren't just about the manipulative power of the other party, but the innate desire we all have for emotional closeness to others. We want to be loved. We want to feel close. Even when we are afraid of what it is - we still want it to love us.

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