We've all heard the phrase "It takes two to tango", but in
the "dance" we call relationships, how many of us really
believe it and live it?
The truth is not many.
In a relationship where communication is an issue, there
are usually two ways people take responsibility and both
create challenges:
1. Either they take far more than their share of
responsibility, playing the martyr or
2. They don't accept any or very little responsibility,
playing the victim.
What we're going to suggest in this session is that the
best way to communicate with each other is in a third,
more empowering way. This way of communicating is based
on the idea of a conscious partnership.
In a conscious partnership, both people are total partners
in all ways.
In a conscious partnership, each person accepts the idea
that he/she is the creator of everything in his/her life.
In a conscious partnership, each partner accepts 100% of
responsibility for their own actions and for expressing
their true selves-- especially in their communication with
each other.
Some people have accumulated negative connotations
surrounding the word "responsibility." Either they've
felt like they have had to take on much more responsibility
in life than they wanted or they've tried to escape
accepting responsibility, either consciously or
unconsciously.
Taking responsibility does not mean, "fixing someone" or
making them wrong and you right, or vise versa.
It also doesn't mean that one person is more responsible
than the other to make the relationship work.
When it comes to communication issues in relationships,
taking 100% responsibility means committing to
authentically communicating straight from your heart with
the people in your life in all ways as much of the time
as possible.
Examples of When We Don't Take Responsibility...
Here's how not taking responsibility for our part of the
communication dance can negatively affect our
relationships:
1. When we blame others.
By blaming others for a communication issue or problem, we
are placing ALL of the responsibility on someone else. Even
if the other person could have (or should have) done a
better job of communicating with you, you have to take your
share of the responsibility for the communication gap,
problem or issue as well. Very often, most of us aren't
willing to do that. Most of us would rather spend our time
being stuck in our "rightness" instead of spending that same
time trying to reconnect and make our relationship stronger.
2. When we hold back.
By holding back and not sharing our whole truth, then we're
not being 100% in the relationship. When you're holding
back in your communication for any reason while wanting to
have a deep, connected relationship, it is a lot like
sticking your big toe in the water and calling it swimming.
It just doesn't work. In the short term, holding back may
seem like a good idea to help us avoid some pain. But, in
the long term, holding back in our communication will never
serve the highest good of the relationship if our intention
is to have open, honest communication and a deep, connected
relationship.
3. When we make assumptions.
By making assumptions about something or someone we are
simply guessing that we know or understand how another
person thinks, feels or what's important to them. Before
you start making assumptions that could be potentially
damaging to a relationship, take responsibility for getting
clear about anything that seems fuzzy or unclear to you.
4. When we're not conscious about our feelings or
what's important to us.
We've had several people ask us at our workshops and
seminars, "What if I just don't know what I want or what
I'm feeling?" Our answer is that if you don't know what
you're thinking or feeling, go underneath to explore your
thoughts and feelings and see what it is you're afraid
you'll expose or unearth if you really get to the core
of your feelings. In that space, you will find a place
to begin your healing. Exploring your feelings takes
attention and intention. If you find feelings that are
difficult for you to handle alone, make sure you contact
a psychologist to help you.
The previous examples of how we don't take responsibility
are only four ways they can manifest. There are many others
we could explore but these were the biggies.
In Otto's opinion, the core issue that ended his first
marriage was the inability of both he and his wife to
accept their share of responsibility--no more, no less--in
the relationship. Otto didn't communicate his needs and
by default, his wife ran their lives by her rules until
the marriage had clearly run out of gas and he decided to
leave the marriage.
There was also a responsibility challenge between Susie and
her first husband because neither one of them acknowledged
to each other that there was anything wrong with their
relationship until it was too late.
Very early in our relationship, we recognized that this was
a major issue for both of us. So, what we did was create
the agreement between us that we would each take 100%
responsibility for communicating our thoughts, fears, joys
and ideas in this relationship. What this means to us is
that we will each tell each other when we feel hurt,
misunderstood, or angry as soon as we recognize the feeling
within us. Also, it is a commitment to accept that we
are each creating our own experiences and to move into
healing the situation rather than hanging on to being right.
Some time ago, Susie said something that hurt and angered
Otto. He took a short amount of time to go inside himself
to identify what he was feeling. Instead of holding it in
and not speaking about it, he told Susie how he was feeling.
He took responsibility for telling her that he was hurt and
in the process, uncovered some unresolved issues that didn't
have anything to do with her. She listened and accepted
that he was hurt by what she had said, although she hadn't
realized it before he told her. A deeper issue for Susie
also came to light during their sharing. As they continued
to talk, Susie asked him how she could say what she said
differently in the future and he gave her some suggestions.
In this example, both of us took responsibility, both of us
listened to each other, both of us expressed how we felt and
we both agreed on how we would do it differently in the
future. Because we each felt "heard," there was a shift
between us from disconnection to connection.
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Now, take a look at responsibility in your relationships.
1. What does the word "responsibility" mean to you?
2. Do you tend to take more of your share of
responsibility in your relationships or less? In what
ways?
3. How does this play out in your communication with
the people in your life?
4. If you have a partner and you are doing this course
together, discuss some ways that you can both be more
responsible in your communication with each other. If you're
doing this course by yourself, talk with a trusted friend
about this session and discuss some of these ideas. Then
write down some ways you can begin being more responsible
in healthy ways in your communication and your
relationships.
5. What agreements are you willing to make either with
yourself or with your partner about communicating that will
help both of you take 100% responsibility in your
relationships?
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TIPS for taking your share of responsibility
1. Remember that you can't change another person.
You can only change yourself. If someone is not taking
responsibility the way you think he or she should, you
are only in charge of YOU and not that other person.
2. By you taking your share and only your share of
responsibility, you are changing the dynamics between the
two of you.
