Afraid you're never going to get over this feeling after your break-up?‏

If you've ever felt like you're never going to get over this 
feeling after your breakup
 
You might feel like the sadness, anger and other intense 
emotions are here to stay.

It can even seem like little else is going on in your life
but your broken heart pain. 

We're here to tell you that your can heal. No matter how
troubling your breakup was, you can feel better, even happy,
again. 

It all starts with a choice and a shift. 

Make the choice to heal. 

As simplistic as it may sound, when you make a deliberate
decision to turn toward healing, you can often make huge
strides toward that goal. 

Sometimes, we cling to our painful thoughts and memories
around the breakup because we are afraid that if we let go
of the agony, we will negate any chance there might be
(especially in our minds) of reuniting. 

On some level you might want nothing more than to just go
back to the way things were...even if you know that breaking
up was for the best. 

It is understandable that you might feel this way. 

We encourage you to ask yourself this: "Is carrying around
the pain and hurt serving you?"

If it isn't, maybe it's time to make the choice to heal. 

You could write down on a piece of paper an affirmative
statement of your intention to heal.

For example, you might write something as simple as: 
"I am ready to feel better."

Tuck the paper in your pocket so that you "feel" it often
during the day--or put it in your desk drawer where you
read it whenever you reach for your pen. 

Make a shift. 

If you're ready to take another small step toward healing,
make a shift.

When you make a shift in the way that you think about
yourself, your ex and the relationship that ended, you can
begin to move toward improvement.

One powerful way to make a shift toward healing is to
become an observer to your thoughts and beliefs. 

Let's face it. 

When you think to yourself something like, "I will never
find love again," it is your thought that is causing you
fear and sadness, not necessarily the reality of your life. 

After all, you simply can't know what the future holds for
you. 

Get into the habit of paying attention to what you are
thinking and believing. 

When a particular thought becomes fixed in your mind,
question that thought or belief the way that someone outside
your situation might do. 

You could start out by asking yourself, "Do I know ________ 
to be absolutely true?" 

Many times, realizing that what you are believing is not
necessarily accurate or true can help loosen the grip that
the painful thought seems to have over you. 

Another way to make a shift toward healing is to broaden
your view of your own life. 

For many people, the pain of a broken heart can eclipse
everything else going on in life. 

Without being judgmental of yourself, start to look around
at the other people and things in your everyday world.

Are there friends or family members who you could devote
more time to? Perhaps there are projects at home, work or
related to a hobby that you haven't attended to lately. 

What is already present in your life that you couldn't
previously see because you were so focused in on the
breakup? 

Be gentle with yourself and don't force things. But, begin
to look up from your intense feelings and see what you see. 

Follow your heart and your interests and expand what you are
focused upon. 

We aren't for one minute suggesting that you should stuff
down the sadness, grief or anger that you might be feeling
about the breakup. 

Instead, we are urging you to feel what you are feeling and
then bring yourself back to the people, places and things
that are waiting for you right here and now.

Read more »

Depressed after your breakup? Here's some good advice...

When you watch television or read a magazine, it's hard to
miss the many ads for prescription medications used to treat
depression. 

As you hear the symptoms of depression listed on air or the
magazine page, you might begin to wonder if your broken
heart pain has turned into full-blown clinical depression. 

This is a valid concern. If you are depressed, it is
important that you obtain the help you need to move through
this difficult time. 

However, rushing to your doctor to get a prescription for
depression medication does not necessarily have to be your
next step. 

We don't want you to take risks with your mental health and
we are not trained to diagnose depression or any other
medical condition. 

We do want to share with you some information that can help
you find greater ease and that you can use to make the best
decisions about your present and your future. 

How can I tell the difference between sadness and
depression? 
In actuality, the symptoms for sadness-- which might result
after a breakup or divorce-- and clinical depression are
quite similar. 

It is understandable that many people hurry to their phones
to call their doctors after reading or watching an ad for
depression medication. At one time or another, a lot of us
feel a few (or all) of these symptoms. 

They are: 
lack of appetite
little or no energy 
trouble sleeping 
mood swings
difficulty concentrating 
no will to live*

All of these might be experienced by someone who is
grappling with a significant life change after a breakup or
divorce. 

The upheaval involved brings up sadness and grief for many. 
This sadness and grief might throw off a person's sleep,
mood, eating and other normal habits. 

But when symptoms like these persist and they are
accompanied by feelings of hopelessness and despondency that
do not improve when conditions of life improve, it might be
time to seek help from a trained professional. 

Another major difference between depression and sadness or
grief is that those who are depressed will consistently feel
overwhelmed and have difficulty coping with the everyday
activities and responsibilities of life for a prolonged
period of time. 

As you face major decisions after your breakup or divorce,
life might feel overwhelming a lot of the time. Coping with
all of this may feel difficult too. 

If so, ask yourself questions like these...
Are you able to emerge-- for a little while-- from feeling
overwhelmed and sad when you are with friends who make you
laugh? What about when you cuddle or stroke your pet? Do
you feel somewhat better when you hear a favorite song on
the radio? 

All of these indicate that it's highly likely you can and
will feel better. Whether you are dealing with broken heart
emotional pain or clinical depression, you can feel better
again. 

It is helpful to identify what is going on for you-- whether
this is sadness and grief or if it's depression-- so that
you can know what kind of support is best for you. 

How do I find the right kind of support for me? 

If you are concerned that you are depressed, please seek the
help of a qualified professional. There are a variety of
treatments for clinical depression-- some involve
prescription medications and many others do not. 

If you feel suicidal, please contact a help line or call a
professional mental health provider immediately.*

Here are a few other ideas to try also...

Diet-- Eat more whole foods and fewer sweets. Stay away from
alcohol and caffeine. Even though you're drawn to eating
chocolate or having another drink because you feel so bad--
don't.

Vitamins and Supplements-- Vitamin B6, Omega-3 fatty acids,
folic acid and St. Johns Wort can help improve your mood. 

Exercise-- When you incorporate even a regular brisk walk
into your daily routine, you will benefit from the
endorphins and other positive effects of regularly moving
your body. 

Friends and Family-- Be choosy about whom you spend time
with right now. Deliberately hang out with those that are
caring and uplifting more of the time.

Music/Art/Creativity-- Listen to music that lifts your
spirits, especially when you feel stuck in sadness. Pick up
a paint brush or sketch pad and tap into your artistic side.
Allow your creativity to be a vehicle for processing the
many emotions you might be having.

If you find you want to listen to the music that takes you
back to wonderful memories of your ex--stop yourself
from sliding into that hole and listen to something else.

Coach or Counselor-- Find a coach or counselor who is a good
fit for you. There are many approaches to healing and
working through emotional difficulties. 

Read more »

Will your heart ever heal from your break up?‏

We're here to tell you that you can heal. No matter how
troubling your breakup was, you can feel better, even happy,
again. 

It all starts with a choice and a shift. 

We know that sounds like we're minimizing your pain but
believe us when we say that that's not the case.

We know how painful a break up can be and we also
know that it doesn't feel like a choice--but if you will
bear with us, we'll explain. 

Make the choice to heal.

As simplistic as it may sound, when you make a deliberate
decision to turn toward healing, you can often start feeling
better quicker than you thought possible. 

Sometimes, we cling to our painful thoughts and memories
around the breakup because we are afraid that if we let go
of the agony, we will negate any chance there might be
(especially in our minds) of reuniting. 

On some level you might want nothing more than to just go
back to the way things were...even if you know that breaking
up was for the best--and your partner may have moved on
anyway.

It is understandable that you might feel this way. 

We encourage you to ask yourself this: "Is carrying around
the pain and hurt serving you?"

If it isn't, maybe it's time to make the choice to heal. 

You could write down on a piece of paper an affirmative
statement of your intention to heal. 

For example, you might write: 
"I am ready to feel better and once again turn toward
happiness."

Make a shift. 

Congratulations on making the decision to heal your broken
heart. (*If you still can't make such a choice, be patient
with yourself and keep reading this.)

In order to put your healing into full motion, it's time to
make a shift. 

When you make a shift in the way that you think about
yourself, your ex and the relationship that ended, you can
begin to move toward improvement.

**One powerful way to make a shift toward healing is to
become an observer to your thoughts and beliefs. 

Let's face it. 

When you think to yourself something like, "I will never
find love again," it is your thought that is causing you
fear and sadness, not necessarily the reality of your life. 

After all, you simply can't know what the future holds for
you. 

Get into the habit of paying attention to what you are
thinking and believing. 

When a particular thought becomes fixed in your mind,
question that thought or belief the way that someone outside
your situation might do. 

You could start out by asking yourself, "Do I know ________ 
to be absolutely true?" 

Many times, realizing that what you are believing is not
necessarily accurate or true can help loosen the grip that
the painful thought seems to have over you. 

**Another way to make a shift toward healing is to broaden
your view of your own life. 

For many people, the pain of a broken heart can eclipse
everything else going on in life. 

Without being judgmental of yourself, start to look around
at the other people and things in your everyday world.

Are there friends or family members who you could devote
more time to? Perhaps there are projects at home, work or
related to a hobby that you haven't attended to lately. 

What is already present in your life that you couldn't
previously see because you were so focused in on the
breakup? 

Be gentle with yourself and don't force things. But, begin
to look up from your intense feelings and see what you see. 

Follow your heart and your interests and expand what you are
focused upon. 

We aren't for one minute suggesting that you should stuff
down the sadness, grief or anger that you might be feeling
about the breakup. 

Instead, we are urging you to feel what you are feeling and
then bring yourself back to the people, places and things
that are waiting for you right here and now. 

Read more »

A celebration of passion, spark, and connection can stay alive and grow deeper through years of being together

The spark doesn't have to die whether
you've been together 5 minutes or 50
years. 

Here are a few ideas we've learned along
the way that help us stay deeply connected...

1. Find ways to focus on what you like about
your partner instead of what you don't like.

You know the saying, "You get what you
focus on in life"?

Well it's certainly true when it comes to
your relationship.

Finding the "juice" and milking it for all it's
worth (while not ignoring something that's 
so in your face that you need to take some 
action) is what it's about.

*You can focus on a part of your partner's
body that you absolutely love.

*You can focus on ways your partner loves
you instead of ways he/she doesn't.

*You can focus on being present with what
you're enjoying in the moment with your
partner instead of what happened in the
past or fears of what could happen in the
future.

2. Practice coming toward one another.

We were at a gathering with friends this
past weekend and during the evening, the 
two of us briefly danced together.

One of our friends remarked that he really
enjoyed seeing the way the two of us looked 
in each other's eyes and how the love poured
out--as we were dancing.

We make a practice of connecting even in
large groups of people and it can be something
simple like making eye contact from across
the room, a touch on the arm as we pass
each other or an embrace as we dance
together.

Believe us when we say that it can make all
the difference in the world in your relationship!

This practice of coming toward one another--
whether the two of you are at home alone, your 
kids are in the house with you or you're with 
other people--is an intimate moment that you're 
telling each other how much your relationship 
means to you.

It's a way to celebrate your love, every day
instead of just on special occasions.

3. Learn how to stay open to listening and
speaking your truth--even when it's uncomfortable
to do it.

Many of peopl have told us that
communication is your biggest challenge--and
we certainly know that can be true because
we've experienced our own challenges with it.

But we've also learned a few things about staying
open to each other when we disagree and want
to close down our hearts to one another.

Read more »

4 Steps to Healing From a Breakup or Divorce.

We know that you're probably in a lot of pain right now because

of your break-up and you may wonder if you'll ever feel "normal"

again. 

 

We're here to tell you that even though you may think your pain

will never end, if you take some simple steps, you will start to

feel some relief.

 

Read how one woman healed after her break-up...

Christine

As Christine told us, many steps can be of value as you heal
after a break-up or divorce.

If we could boil our experiences both personally and

professionally in helping others heal from break-ups or

divorces, there are four big steps that can help most people

start to feel better.

 

If you're in pain right now, we invite you to experiment

with these suggestions...

1. Acknowledge your pain.

Acknowledging your pain while not drowning in it is your first step
to healing your broken heart. Give yourself permission to grieve the
loss of the relationship, even if you were the one who left, and
also give yourself permission to reach out to people who uplift you.

2. Accept the reality of your situation.

Don't see your situation worse than or better than it was. When
there is a relationship breakup or divorce, you might be living with
a lot of what ifs and wishing that it was different or the way it
used to be.

You might be seeing yourself as a victim or feeling very guilty.
Bringing yourself into the reality of the present moment without
making up untrue stories about your situation is one of the biggest
things you can do.

3. Realize what you learned by being in this relationship.

There are always gifts that come with any relationship. It might be
some realization that you learned about yourself, what you want, or
what you don't want in your life. How did this relationship make you
stronger or even a better person?

Be angry if you need to but allow it to pass through your body

without hanging onto it. Go outside and take a walk if you need

to shift your attention to something other than how you've been

hurt.

4. Take time to discover who you are now that you are no longer in
that relationship and what you want for your future.

What interests do you have that you have ignored for a long time?
What things have you not done for yourself that you would like to do
again? How can you love yourself? Getting to know you and what you
want for your future is vital to your getting over a breakup or
divorce.

Even though everyone's healing journey is different, we've discovered
that these four steps are at the very foundation of getting over a
breakup or divorce and moving on with your life.

Read more »

4 Ways To Deal With Upsets, Anger and Anything Else

We've all experienced this at one time or another. Something happens, and we completely overreact.

We get upset, defensive and irritable and we don't
even want to (or can't) listen to what our partner is
saying.
Even though we just want to make him or her hear
and understand how we feel, we come off as
demanding and angry.
The last thing we want to do in that moment is to
understand where our partner is coming from, or
what he or she is going through.
Our partner has pushed a button and our automatic
response goes something like this...
"You hurt my feelings, it's not right and I'm going
to let you have it!"
We all do this but unfortunately when this happens
it never brings the two of you closer.
In fact, it brings more tension, stress and a lot of
unresolved conflict.
Here's a "button-pushing" scenario from our own
lives and what we did about it...

Several years ago, we'd get into conflict when
Otto had a particularly "uppity, sarcastic, superior"
(Susie's words) tone in his voice when he talked
to her on occasion.

Susie's anger button would be pushed big time and
of course, she had her own way of pushing
Otto's anger button.

Instead of expressing her anger in a healthy way,
she would come back with some sarcastic remark
that didn't have anything to do with what he was
saying.

His tone of voice said to her...(in her mind)

"I don't respect you"
"You are stupid"
"You just don't get this"

And any connection would be all over between
the two of us.

You can guess that after Susie came back with
a sarcastic, superior remark, Otto would really
get angry.

And so it went until we figured out how to stop
pushing each other's buttons in this way.

Does any of this sound even a little bit familiar
to you?

We're betting that even though you may not
have this particular way of pushing each other's
buttons, you have ways that are equally deadly
to your relationship. Maybe it's not the tone of voice you use with
each other but it might be what's NOT said
and what you imagine is happening.

Maybe it's that almost everything you say to
one another ends up being fodder for a fight.
Maybe it's that you've grown apart and you
desperately want to do something to bring
the two of you back together but everything
you try turns out wrong--and you're growing
further apart.

But...
Here's the thing about triggers...
No matter what triggers you and what triggers
your partner, you can change how you relate
to one another and how you deal with the
conflict so that it is no longer a big problem
for you in your relationship.
So, what did we do about this particular "button-
pushing" dynamic?
Susie learned to stop herself from putting a
particular meaning (her story about what
Otto's tone of voice meant) on what he was
saying--and listen instead to his words.
Here are the steps she used and you can
use also when you're triggered about
something your partner says or does...
1. Notice that you've been triggered and
acknowledge it to yourself that you've been
grabbed by something.
2. Notice what story you're telling yourself
at that moment. In Susie's case, it was
"Otto thinks I'm stupid and he doesn't
respect me."
The truth is that she didn't know what
he was thinking in that moment or what his
particular tone of voice meant.
(It might have meant that he was frustrated
and not with Susie--which was usually what it
turned out to be.)
3. Stop yourself from reacting in your old,
familiar way. If you say something back that's
sarcastic or you completely withdraw and
close down from your partner, notice that
that's what you want to do but DON'T DO
IT.
We know that it takes a lot of courage to
stop doing what's become automatic--but
know that with a little practice you can do
it.
4. Change your story and listen to your
partner.
Susie's new story is that Otto's may not
be angry with her and she'll just listen to
what he has to say.
You can change your story by just looking
at whatever else could be just as true in
this situation and telling yourself that story.
Otto used a similar process as well.
 
These steps are how we started unraveling
our particular "button-pushing" dance that
could have left a lot of unresolved conflict
between us.
And this unresolved conflict could have
destroyed the closeness, connection and
passion that we so love about our relationship.

Read more »

3 Keys To Stopping the Pain of a Broken Heart‏

It doesn't matter whether you were the one who left or you were the
one who was left--there is usually a mixture of emotions that come
up. There could be regret, sadness, resentment, relief, loss, grief
and a mixture of all of those.

Whatever you are feeling right now, we know that at the very bottom 
it,there is probably some kind of pain.

It can show up differently as emotional pain or physical pain--or a
mixture of both.

When one woman we know experienced a divorce, she actually had
physical pain in her heart. She was so grief-stricken that she
thought she was having a heart attack. In an extreme case such as
this, you need to be checked out by a physician--but the point is
that there is very real pain after a breakup or divorce.

So the question is...

How do you stop the pain?

The funny thing about pain is that it is usually pointing to 
something that you need to heal or look at in your life. Now you
may be telling us that it's pretty obvious what you need to heal--
the loss of your relationship or to get your relationship back--but 
maybe it isn't as obvious as that.

So the first thing that we would suggest if you are in pain from
a breakup or divorce is ...

1. Acknowledge that you are in pain
Acknowledge "what is" right now. Right now, you may be experiencing
the extremes of either getting busy "doing" so that all of your
time is filled up and you can't think or you are so overcome with
emotion that you aren't functioning very well in your job or your
personal life. 

As you've probably discovered, neither of these ways is very 
helpful or healthy for you to deal with the pain. 

If you cover the pain up with lots of "doing," whether it's exercise
or working long hours, the pain always comes out and hits you in
the face at some point. Maybe you can't sleep and take sleeping
pills because your thoughts and emotions are overwhelming. Whatever
happens, the pain always catches up to you.

If you find that you are completely incapacitated by your pain and
all you want to do is stay in bed, that's probably not working 
either. You may be missing work, staying away from your friends and
hibernating. You life may seem that it's on hold and you can't move
further. Being overwhelmed with pain is not dealing with it either. 

The choice you can make, whether you are incapacitated by your pain
or are burying it, is to really look at it and not try to run
away from it.

2. Discover what your pain is telling you.
Now this may seem a little weird to you but as we said before, pain 
is always telling us something and our job is to listen. 

Here's one way to listen to what your pain is saying...

Find a quiet spot, sit quietly with yourself, close your eyes and no 
distractions like television or the internet.

Take a few moments to quiet yourself by breathing deeply into your
belly region. If thoughts come in, bring your attention back to
your breathing.

When you are calmer, move your attention to your heart (or any other 
place in your body that has pain) and breathe into that spot. Don't
try to judge or put meaning to your pain right now.

Just allow yourself to fully pay attention to the area of your body
that the pain is causing you distress. Remember no judgments, no
self-talk about your situation.

Just be totally present with what is.

3. Practice this exercise whenever you feel overwhelmed or if you 
feel compelled to bury yourself in some activity. 
 
At first, it may seem unusual to do this but the more you practice,
believe it or not, the more you learn about yourself and your pain--
and the best ways to heal it and move forward.

Get quiet and listen. Even if you are in a busy office, go to the
restroom, sit in the stall and breathe. 

Do it and keep doing it. If you do this consistently, we're sure 
that you will feel dramatically better and better

Read more »

5 signs he isn't over his ex

When you are in a new relationship, it’s natural to wonder about the ex. Does he think about her? If so, how much and is he really over her? These are questions that plague many women.

Perhaps you’d like to know whether or not the ex is still on his mind. There are signs you can look for, that may tell you whether or not he is really over that relationship. Below are a few that will help you in your quest to find out.

He talks about her frequently

This usually means one of two things. Either he is not over her or he isn’t over something that happened between them. Pay attention to how he talks about her. If he does so lovingly, this may be cause for concern. If, on the other hand, her name often comes up when the two of you are talking about a particular issue or situation, chances are he isn’t over what ended the relationship.

If he speaks of her with anger or derision, be wary. The opposite of love is apathy, not hate. If his ex or something she did is still bothering him, he is clearly not over it.

He is still in communication with her

Sometimes it is possible to remain friends with an ex without it being awkward or lines getting blurred. This usually occurs either when the two of them have known one another for a very long time and were friends to begin with, or when the relationship they had was more of a friendship than a romantic endeavour.

Most couples that break up don’t remain friends, so this further communication could most definitely signify a lingering attachment.

He still sees her – and lies to you about it

A huge red flag is if you find out that he is still in contact with or sees her – but doesn't tell you about it. If he is keeping this from you, he obviously feels guilty about it and that is not a good sign.

He accidentally called you by her name

This is a definite sign he was, at the very least thinking of her. It could also mean he is still in contact with her as well. If it happens once, you may be able to blow it off, provided it doesn’t occur in the middle of a romantic situation, but if it occurs more frequently than that, this may pose a problem.

He keeps items that remind him of his ex

While it is common to keep a few things given to you by the ex, holding onto every gift ever given, photographs and text messages could signify an attachment. If he is unwilling to part with things she gave him, you should discuss it to find out why. Also, one or two items may be okay, but several could mean trouble.

The signs listed above could indicate he’s still not over her. Pay attention and approach it with an open mind. Do not make assumptions just because you suspect a few of these signs are present. Instead, take the time to examine all the options.

Your gut instinct will tell you whether or not a real issue is at hand – and in this case the best way to deal with it is to discuss with him honestly, and without being accusing, why you find it hurtful or disrespectful that she’s still a big part of his life.

Read more »

Ideas about how to keep your relationship passionate, alive and growing over the years...

Here are a few ideas about how to keep your 
relationship passionate, alive and growing over
the years...

1. Make small changes and look for what happens
for the better.

Try one suggestion--make one small change in the
way you interact with your partner-- and look for one 
small thing that is better.

It might be that you've gotten into a habit of putting
your partner down--maybe in fun--but it's no longer
funny to him or her, if it ever was.

One small change might be to stop when you feel
the urge to make fun of your partner and instead
don't say anything or give him or her a compliment.

Maybe your partner puts you down and it's meant
as a joke but you don't think it's funny. 

One small change might be to tell him or her how
it feels to you.


"It may not have been your intention to hurt me but when
you said _________, I felt embarrassed (or whatever you
felt)"

2. Remember to focus on what's going right.

We know that in our relationship, when we focus on what's
going right instead of what's wrong, we feel closer to one
another and more connected.

Now of course there are certainly times when you need
to focus on what's wrong--if there truly is something going
on that is against your values or your agreements with
one another.

But don't let resentment build without dealing with it and
getting some resolution.

Then when you have resolution, don't hang onto the hurt
in the past. Bring yourself into the present and focus on
what's right in the present moment.

That's how passion, connection and trust are rebuilt and
stay strong--one moment at a time and in the present
moment.

The question is...

Are you living together or dying together?

Are you growing together or growing apart more of the time?

Are you moving forward together or backwards separately?

Read more »

The 3 Minute Break-Up Pain Stopping Technique

Here's a very simple technique that takes 3 minutes that you can practice anytime you start to feel overwhelmed by your fearful, angry feelings and negative thoughts.

Use this technique when your negative thoughts and feelings are keeping you from functioning in your daily life and you want to shift them to more empowering ones. Negative thoughts and feelings can become a habit but they can also be changed.

1. SIT--Sit in a quiet place. (The bathroom will do).
    

2. SETTLE--Close your eyes, take a few deep breaths, bringing your breath into your feet so that you feel grounded and connected to the earth. Feel yourself slowing down and your breathing deepen. (Maybe 30 seconds)
    

3. AWARENESS--Come into awareness of your negative thoughts in this moment. (What exactly are you thinking? Example: "I’m thinking that I'm a real loser when it comes to relationships.")
    

4. ASK—Ask yourself if you know your negative thoughts to be true—absolutely true. Can you find evidence to the contrary? Chances are you can find somewhere in your life where your thoughts cannot be substantiated.
    

5. ALLOW—Bring your attention to your heart or gut area and feel the sensations in your body. (What are you feeling in your body? Is there tightness, a big knot, emptiness, heaviness?) Allow your sensations to be there without judging them and breathe into that area of the body. (If you feel heavy in your heart area, breathe into that heaviness until the sensation softens. If you felt a knot in your gut area, breathe into that knot until it starts to loosen.)
    

6. REPLACE—Replace the limiting, self-defeating “movie” running in your head to one that is more in alignment with what you want in your life—because the reality is that both outcomes are possible. Run this new movie whenever you feel your negative thoughts coming up in the future. (If you know that your negative thoughts aren’t true but you see yourself alone forever and in pain, replace that "movie" with one that could happen that you'd like much better. See yourself taking your next step in an empowered way instead of the damaging cycle you find yourself in.)

Practice this as many times a day that you need. Keep a copy of it with your phone in case you are tempted to call your ex. Put a copy in your car to remind you to stop yourself before you drive by his or her new living situation.

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Create Agreements that Will Make Life with Your Woman Easier...and Sexier Too!

 Stephen is trying to be patient with his wife, but it's been tough lately. It seems like sarcasm, snide comments and full-blown arguments are happening more and more frequently. 

The tension that's coming between Stephen and his wife revolves around money issues. A couple of years ago, Stephen started his own business. He is really enjoying the challenge and has had some successes along the way, but the business is still not solid and profitable yet.

Stephen is convinced that, given a little more time, his business will be highly lucrative for him and his family too. His wife is not so sure.

She is stressed out most of the time and pours over the numbers for the household and his business everyday. She wants him to look for what she calls a "real job."

They can't seem to find any semblance of agreement on this and the tension has spilled over into the bedroom too. Stephen can't remember the last time that he and his wife made love with one another-- or laughed together either.

In any love relationship or marriage, there can come a time when you and your partner face an issue that you simply don't see eye-to-eye about. You might each work very hard to convince the other how much sense your position is, but this only seems to solidify the opposition.

For you and your woman, the issue that seems to be driving a wedge between you might be money. Or, it could be something else like flirting, jealousy, lying, intimacy, sex or decisions involving your kids.

In many cases, it really matters less what the actual issue is than the way that this disagreement seems to be intensifying and tearing you two apart.

One way to bring some ease to a difficult and contentious situation is to create agreements about it.

The agreement that you reach and follow can lessen the tension and help you both know what you each expect in regard to this tricky topic. The process of creating the agreement can be a way that you two start to move closer together again as you both share and listen and try to understand one another's positions.

As you probably already know, frequent arguing, bickering and stress can be a big turn off. Your woman may be less in the mood to make love with you when there is an unresolved issue.

On the other hand, when you create an agreement and find some level of resolution about the issue, you're both most likely going to be more open to sex.

Creating agreements that are clear, fair and follow-able are a great way to move closer to not only a resolution about this difficult issue, but also to most closer to one another.

Propose clear and specific agreements.
Come to a conversation about this topic with your woman with a clear idea of what you really want. Too often, things can become muddy or distracted when either or both people are triggered and already upset.

You could suggest to your partner that you two create an agreement and then start things off with a proposal that addresses your priorities and core desire. Be open-- and let her know that you are open-- to modifications to this proposal.

Stephen, for example, sits down with his wife and proposes that they give his business another 9 months to grow. He suggests that at the end of the 9 months, they sit down together and assess whether this is something that is feasible to continue.

Be aware if you lay out your suggested agreement as more of an ultimatum or demand. This is NOT what we're going for. Demanding that your partner do things "your way" is very different from an agreement.

There might be a time when you feel so strongly about your position that you are willing to literally leave if things do not change the way you want them to. One example of this may be if your woman is having an affair and you are ready to end the relationship if she doesn't stop the cheating.

An agreement, on the other hand, is collaborative, flexible and a way to re-connect with your partner.

Incorporate her ideas too. 
After you've proposed the agreement that you had in mind, now it's your woman's turn to contribute. Remind yourself that giving her the space to fully consider what you've suggested and then really listening to what she wants is NOT going to undermine your priorities and what you want.

Don't interrupt her and don't reject her contributions to the agreement as she states them.

Take the time to feel into yourself.  What are the changes, additions or deletions to your proposal that you are most willing to accept? What exactly don't you like about
her specific ideas that you feel resistant to?

Ideally, creating an agreement is a process that is done over the course of a few (more or less) conversations. Give yourselves the time to really understand what each wants and also the time to be clear about why you are open to some things and closed to others.

Set up an agreement that you BOTH will actually follow and feel good
about.
When your ideas and your woman's ideas overlap-- or come close to it-- make that part of your agreement. It can provide positive momentum when you notice and appreciate these places of alignment-- even if they seem small or less significant.

Build on that momentum and come up with some kind of agreement that you both can reasonably follow and feel okay about too.

The long-term success of an agreement is in its being created in an environment of honesty and openness. When you do your best to keep it honest, open and collaborative, you're more likely to feel closer to your woman in the process. 

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Advice to Help You (Finally) Find Your "Mr. or Ms. Right"

Dana never thought she'd still be single when she was in her mid- 30s. She always figured that, by that time of life, she'd be settled into a great relationship and maybe even married with kids.

This is not what's happened.

Although Dana has been in a few serious love relationships, they've always gone sour at a certain point. These have always reached a place in which Dana could see that this guy was not her "Mr. Right"-- from there, the breakup seemed inevitable.

Now Dana is getting serious. She doesn't want to spend her life alone, or in a string of casual romantic trysts. She has informed her friends that she is making finding her perfect match her top priority.

If you are on the look-out for your "Mr. Right" or "Ms. Right," you might feel similarly. You may feel ready to finally find that perfect match for you. You may even desire to meet up with your soulmate.

Ultimately, you probably want this relationship-- the one that will be passionate, close and long-lasting-- to finally happen!

When what you want most of all is for your perfect match to come into your life and he or she doesn't seem to be coming, it can be frustrating, disheartening and maybe even a little scary.

Stop trying so hard...
Our first advice to anyone who is searching for his or her true love is to ease up a bit.

As you might have encountered in other areas of your life, when you are tense and hyper-focused on a goal, sometimes it seems to refuse to come into fruition. On the other hand, at the moment that you throw up your hands in surrender to whatever the situation is, that sought after thing happens-- and often with relative ease.

This doesn't mean that you should stop wanting to have that great relationship. We certainly encourage you to create an image of how you want to feel in the relationship you are attracting.

Yes, of course, envision that wonderful relationship that you desire.

But after you do that envisioning and imagining, let go. Don't put all of your attention and efforts into finding that perfect match.

Instead, go on about your life.

Stay open and have fun...
Dana still sees attracting a great relationship as a priority-- it's no longer her main or only priority. But she's now made a shift and is not so tensed up and hyper-focused on trying to make her "Mr. Right" come into her life-- she admits that she couldn't force it to happen anyway.

Dana is beginning to choose how she spends her time differently.  Instead of always thinking about where there might be more eligible men to meet and then going to those places or doing those things, Dana is starting to spend more time doing the activities that appeal the most to her.

This is new for her. It's also more fun!

When Dana is out at a bar or club with her friends, she is there to have a good time and laugh-- not necessarily to always be on the look- out for a guy who may or may not be her perfect match.

Although this could sound contradictory, in many many cases, people meet up with their "Mr. or Ms. Right" when they're just out doing what they love to do-- not when they're out intending to meet a mate.

Go to the places and do the activities that are fun and enriching for you. If you aren't sure what those things are, experiment and try new ones.

Allow your "perfect" relationship to unfold and emerge...
Keep in mind that if you're looking for a relationship that is "perfect" in that you and your partner never argue, disagree or become irritated with one another, you're most likely going to be alone and/or disappointed over and over again.

Re-think the whole notion of what a "perfect" relationship could be-- and also what a "Mr. or Ms. Right" could be.

Of course, you are probably looking for a person with whom you feel a certain excitement, passion and mutual respect. But we urge you stay open because you might just be surprised by the "perfect" relationship that unfolds for you, if you let it.

Close, connected and passionate relationships require care and nurturing. Sometimes it can even feel like hard work.

These kinds of relationships are so rewarding and even "perfect" because they involve two people who possibly bumped into one another, liked what developed between them and they choose to stay together because they truly enjoy and want to continue their connection.

If this is the kind of perfect match that you'd like, stay true to who you are and allow yourself to experience life fully-- we bet that the right person for you will emerge

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7 RIDICULOUS LAWS AGAINST WOMEN

1. In Maryland, a woman cannot go through her husband’s pockets while he is sleeping. Not even if she really wants a piece of gum.
2. In Vermont, a woman must obtain written permission from her husband if she wishes to wear false teeth. Because women really lead with their teeth in wanton, uncontrolled sexuality.
3. In Tucson, Arizona, women are not allowed to wear pants. No word on the stance on booty shorts or thongs.
4. In Carrizozo, New Mexico, it is illegal for a woman to appear unshaven in public. Rejoice, razor industry, rejoice!
5. In Dyersburg, Tennessee, it is illegal for a woman to call a man on a date. I don’t want to live in a world where equal-opportunity drunk dialing isn’t free to all.
6. In Carmel, New York, women may not wear high heels within the city limits. They are obviously just protecting their citizens, as this move effectively disqualifies the city from ever letting a “Sex and the City” sequel to be shot in their town. Good move, Carmel!
7. In Michigan, a woman isn’t allowed to cut her hair without her husband’s permission. But what if her husband cuts it for her?

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FREE Passionate Heart Relationship Mini-Course‏ DAY 2

One of the things the majority of people find the most challenging
about creating a great relationship is...

Not being truthful about sharing their feelings and what is important
to them

Whenever you find that you are feeling something that you haven't
expressed, communicate these things as soon as and as lovingly as you
can. So often people allow small issues to grow into mountains that
end up coming between them. We suggest that you take care of those
issues when they come up and don't allow them to grow.

Here are some ideas for you to consider to help you do that: 

1. Take a moment to find out what you are feeling and what you want.
Find a way to quiet yourself, even if you have to go to the bathroom
to do it. Breathe deeply and find that voice inside yourself that is
telling you how you are feeling.

2. Ask your partner if you can have a few moments of uninterrupted
time to talk together about an issue. Ask if your partner is willing
to just listen while you talk and tell your partner that you agree to
listen while he/she talks. If you both feel safe to talk without
being interrupted, then you will be able to truly hear one another.

3. Say what you want in a way that it can be heard. Always approach
a conversation with how you are feeling because of the issue. If you
start making your partner wrong and accusing him/her, the only thing
you'll accomplish is that one or both of you will either withdraw and
shut down or lash out in anger.

4. Listen and honor who your partner is and what he/she wants. You
may not agree with what your partner says but in order to build the
trust that you want to feel free to say what you need, you also have
to listen with an open heart to him/her without getting defensive. 

5. Stay open and find ways that work for both of you. We've found
that when you begin to understand one another by speaking your truth
and listening to each other, the two of you begin to open the door
for possibilities and much more love. There's a "softer" feeling
between the two of you and solutions to conflicts seem to come more
easily. 

Staying open means not judging the other person and reminding
yourself how you love the other person even if in the moment you are
irritated or disappointed in him/her. Staying open when there's
conflict is probably the toughest thing you have to learn to do.
Even if you take "baby steps" in doing it, you'll see how your
relationship can grow. 

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4 signs that you're too dependent on your partner

Sharing intimate parts of yourself you would not normally disclose to anyone else is what commitment is all about, but how do you know when you have become emotionally dependent on your partner?

Relationships are about being close.

Emotional dependence can stem from many different experiences in life. Some people grow to depend on their partners after going through several unsuccessful relationships.

Others only allow themselves to become close to very few people, thus coveting the relationships that form as a result. The desire to find the ‘right person’ sometimes overshadows what really exists in any given situation.

Below are some signs that you have become too emotionally dependent on your partner:

Difficulty completing simple tasks on your own 

While it is okay to rely on the help of your partner in certain situations, you should be able to remain independent. Many adults who are in healthy relationships have no trouble going shopping separately, socialising on their own, or even taking part in different activities when at home.

A loss of your own identity is another sure sign of dependency 

A healthy relationship is between two people who haven’t sacrificed their identities to be with one another. That’s part of what makes each relationship unique. Learning how to accept and appreciate each other as well as share in life experiences is what keeps couples together for many years. 

If you are unable to make decisions on your own, you are probably too emotionally dependent on your partner 

Whilst there are many decisions couples should make together, each person in a relationship is faced with various personal decisions that should be made independently. If you are constantly looking to your partner for guidance, you are not relying on your own knowledge and wisdom.

These decisions can range from very simple to quite complex. Either way, decision making is an important part of being independent.

The inability to go through life without a partner can also signify emotional dependency

There are women who always need to be in a relationship, regardless of whether it is a healthy one. Instead of constantly looking for anyone to validate you, search for someone who is compatible with you.

If you are able to be independent in your own life, you will be able to make sound decisions in a relationship. This will make for a strong union because both you and your partner will possess the ability to support each other through various aspects of life.

This makes for an equal, healthy relationship that involves both give and take.

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FREE Passionate Heart Relationship Mini-Course‏ DAY 1

Today begins the first step. 

Are you ready?

So, let's begin with your first lesson:


Lesson 1
If we could sum up what it takes to make a great relationship with
three simple ideas, here's what they would be...

1. Keep relationship a priority
2. Learn to embrace differences as a good thing and not what you
need to change in someone else
3. Focus on what you like, love, appreciate about the other person
instead of what you don't

There are actually many things that go into creating a great
relationship but these are three ideas that we believe are critical.

*Idea one*

Keep your relationship a priority.

When couples come together, they often spend a lot of time getting to
know one another and having fun together. Then, when children enter
the picture or careers become demanding, their intention to spend
time together gets buried and lost in the busyness of everyday
activities. 

What we are suggesting is to make it your intention to spend time
together, really being together, even if it's to sit and talk alone
for a few moments over coffee.

Make your relationship a priority in your life. Set aside time
everyday to connect with your partner and don't take one moment for
granted.

*Idea Two*

Learn to embrace differences as a good thing and not what you need to
change in someone else.

To truly have a great relationship, there has to be mutual
appreciation of what each person brings to the relationship-and that
even includes the differences that drive us crazy! 

Here are some things we've learned about differences: First, become
aware of your differences and don't assume that your partner thinks
just like you think and his/her priorities are just like yours. Next,
talk about these differences and share what is important to you.
Remember to listen with an open heart and not judge. Just because
someone likes to do something in a little different way than you
doesn't mean it isn't the "right" way. Look at your preconceived
notions about the "right" ways to do things. 

If there are conflicts about the ways in which things are done or
where the priorities are placed, we recommend that you devise a new
way of doing things. Perhaps a third way that might be even better
than the two previous ways of looking at or doing things. Turn your
attention to appreciating each other's gifts instead of holding onto
what you think is the "right way" to do it. 

*Idea Three*

Focus on what you like, love, appreciate about the other person
instead of what you don't.

In many relationships, there is the temptation to take each other for
granted after a number of years or even months of being together.
When that happens, one or both people in the relationship begin to
"pick" at each other and their "faults" seem to magnify.

We're not saying to ignore what needs to be said between the two of
you. What we are saying is to focus on what you want more of in your
relationship instead of what you want less of. Sounds like common
sense but very few people actually do it.

If you are not feeling loved and appreciated yourself, start being
open to seeing and feeling love and appreciation that people are
giving you that you may not be aware of in your daily life. Start
seeing and appreciating what your partner does "right." Take the
time, in your thoughts, words and actions, to be appreciative of the
other person and watch how your relationship blossoms!

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3 Secrets of Couples Who Stay In Love Forever‏

One thing we've discovered about love, relationships, marriage 
and how to stay in love is... 

Great relationships DO NOT happen by accident... 

In fact, it's true about not only your relationships, but 
everything in life...

A great anything does not happen by accident... 

Take couples who "fall in love" and "stay in love" for example...

What we've found is that "falling in love" and "staying in love" 
are two different things. 

The falling in love is certainly easier than the staying in love, 
but for the couples who somehow manage to do both the 
question is...

How do they do it? 

How do these couples seem to beat the odds and do what 
most couples can't seem to do?

There are several ways that couples keep the fires 
stoked and burning long after the honeymoon period of the
relationship is over. 

We're going to share a few of those secrets with you today...


Secret # 1 

Couples who stay in love seem to actually talk to each other 
differently than couples who are headed for divorce court... 

Not only do these couples talk to each other differently, but 
they also use different words than the rest of us when they 
talk to each other....

They use "magic words" that seem to help open their partner 
instead of shut him or her down--

They use words that keep their partner interested instead 
of bored--

In any relationship, what we've found is that words can 
wound and words can heal. 

We've found that the right words truly can make all the 
difference between whether you stay in love or your relationship 
becomes a divorce or breakup statistic--

That's why we've put together a collection of the best words 
you could ever say to your partner if you want to stay in love 
or even rebuild a love that's faded over time. 


Secret #2

Couples who "fall in love" AND "stay in love" over a long 
period of time "ditch competition." 

We can't tell you how many times we've seen it in our 
Relationship Breakthrough Coaching work with couples...

Couples compete with each other about big and small 
things (even in playful ways) and sit around in amazement 
when the life has been sucked out of their relationship or 
marriage and they are left wondering...

Why? 

The reason is simple: 

In our opinion, there is no room for competition in a 
relationship between couples who are intimate partners 
or married. 

If you doubt whether this is true or not...

Try this...

The next time that you and your intimate partner or spouse 
have a friendly little competition about anything, when 
you are finished, ask yourself one very easy question: 

"Do I feel closer and more connected to him or her or do
I feel distant and more disconnected?" 

We're willing to bet that you'll feel more disconnected if there 
is any kind of competition between the two of you. 

Not one of these people has ever said to us... 

"I feel like we're really on the same team here--we're
splitting up!" 

It just doesn't happen. 

Here's the Susie and Otto rule for this: 

In order to "stay in love," make sure that you and your 
partner or spouse ALWAYS play on the same team. 

The potential challenges, upsets and heartbreak are 
just too great if you don't. 

Secret # 3 

Couples who "fall in love" AND "Stay in Love" remind 
themselves and each other regularly about what they like,
love and appreciate about each other. 

Try this with your partner every so often and notice the 
difference it makes in your relationship. 

Simply say to your partner: 

"Something I really appreciate about you is____________" 

And then fill in the blank with what you like, love or 
appreciate about him or her. 

This alone can sometimes work miracles in a 
relationship or marriage. 

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