Depressed after your breakup? Here's some good advice...

When you watch television or read a magazine, it's hard to
miss the many ads for prescription medications used to treat
depression. 

As you hear the symptoms of depression listed on air or the
magazine page, you might begin to wonder if your broken
heart pain has turned into full-blown clinical depression. 

This is a valid concern. If you are depressed, it is
important that you obtain the help you need to move through
this difficult time. 

However, rushing to your doctor to get a prescription for
depression medication does not necessarily have to be your
next step. 

We don't want you to take risks with your mental health and
we are not trained to diagnose depression or any other
medical condition. 

We do want to share with you some information that can help
you find greater ease and that you can use to make the best
decisions about your present and your future. 

How can I tell the difference between sadness and
depression? 
In actuality, the symptoms for sadness-- which might result
after a breakup or divorce-- and clinical depression are
quite similar. 

It is understandable that many people hurry to their phones
to call their doctors after reading or watching an ad for
depression medication. At one time or another, a lot of us
feel a few (or all) of these symptoms. 

They are: 
lack of appetite
little or no energy 
trouble sleeping 
mood swings
difficulty concentrating 
no will to live*

All of these might be experienced by someone who is
grappling with a significant life change after a breakup or
divorce. 

The upheaval involved brings up sadness and grief for many. 
This sadness and grief might throw off a person's sleep,
mood, eating and other normal habits. 

But when symptoms like these persist and they are
accompanied by feelings of hopelessness and despondency that
do not improve when conditions of life improve, it might be
time to seek help from a trained professional. 

Another major difference between depression and sadness or
grief is that those who are depressed will consistently feel
overwhelmed and have difficulty coping with the everyday
activities and responsibilities of life for a prolonged
period of time. 

As you face major decisions after your breakup or divorce,
life might feel overwhelming a lot of the time. Coping with
all of this may feel difficult too. 

If so, ask yourself questions like these...
Are you able to emerge-- for a little while-- from feeling
overwhelmed and sad when you are with friends who make you
laugh? What about when you cuddle or stroke your pet? Do
you feel somewhat better when you hear a favorite song on
the radio? 

All of these indicate that it's highly likely you can and
will feel better. Whether you are dealing with broken heart
emotional pain or clinical depression, you can feel better
again. 

It is helpful to identify what is going on for you-- whether
this is sadness and grief or if it's depression-- so that
you can know what kind of support is best for you. 

How do I find the right kind of support for me? 

If you are concerned that you are depressed, please seek the
help of a qualified professional. There are a variety of
treatments for clinical depression-- some involve
prescription medications and many others do not. 

If you feel suicidal, please contact a help line or call a
professional mental health provider immediately.*

Here are a few other ideas to try also...

Diet-- Eat more whole foods and fewer sweets. Stay away from
alcohol and caffeine. Even though you're drawn to eating
chocolate or having another drink because you feel so bad--
don't.

Vitamins and Supplements-- Vitamin B6, Omega-3 fatty acids,
folic acid and St. Johns Wort can help improve your mood. 

Exercise-- When you incorporate even a regular brisk walk
into your daily routine, you will benefit from the
endorphins and other positive effects of regularly moving
your body. 

Friends and Family-- Be choosy about whom you spend time
with right now. Deliberately hang out with those that are
caring and uplifting more of the time.

Music/Art/Creativity-- Listen to music that lifts your
spirits, especially when you feel stuck in sadness. Pick up
a paint brush or sketch pad and tap into your artistic side.
Allow your creativity to be a vehicle for processing the
many emotions you might be having.

If you find you want to listen to the music that takes you
back to wonderful memories of your ex--stop yourself
from sliding into that hole and listen to something else.

Coach or Counselor-- Find a coach or counselor who is a good
fit for you. There are many approaches to healing and
working through emotional difficulties. 

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Will your heart ever heal from your break up?‏

We're here to tell you that you can heal. No matter how
troubling your breakup was, you can feel better, even happy,
again. 

It all starts with a choice and a shift. 

We know that sounds like we're minimizing your pain but
believe us when we say that that's not the case.

We know how painful a break up can be and we also
know that it doesn't feel like a choice--but if you will
bear with us, we'll explain. 

Make the choice to heal.

As simplistic as it may sound, when you make a deliberate
decision to turn toward healing, you can often start feeling
better quicker than you thought possible. 

Sometimes, we cling to our painful thoughts and memories
around the breakup because we are afraid that if we let go
of the agony, we will negate any chance there might be
(especially in our minds) of reuniting. 

On some level you might want nothing more than to just go
back to the way things were...even if you know that breaking
up was for the best--and your partner may have moved on
anyway.

It is understandable that you might feel this way. 

We encourage you to ask yourself this: "Is carrying around
the pain and hurt serving you?"

If it isn't, maybe it's time to make the choice to heal. 

You could write down on a piece of paper an affirmative
statement of your intention to heal. 

For example, you might write: 
"I am ready to feel better and once again turn toward
happiness."

Make a shift. 

Congratulations on making the decision to heal your broken
heart. (*If you still can't make such a choice, be patient
with yourself and keep reading this.)

In order to put your healing into full motion, it's time to
make a shift. 

When you make a shift in the way that you think about
yourself, your ex and the relationship that ended, you can
begin to move toward improvement.

**One powerful way to make a shift toward healing is to
become an observer to your thoughts and beliefs. 

Let's face it. 

When you think to yourself something like, "I will never
find love again," it is your thought that is causing you
fear and sadness, not necessarily the reality of your life. 

After all, you simply can't know what the future holds for
you. 

Get into the habit of paying attention to what you are
thinking and believing. 

When a particular thought becomes fixed in your mind,
question that thought or belief the way that someone outside
your situation might do. 

You could start out by asking yourself, "Do I know ________ 
to be absolutely true?" 

Many times, realizing that what you are believing is not
necessarily accurate or true can help loosen the grip that
the painful thought seems to have over you. 

**Another way to make a shift toward healing is to broaden
your view of your own life. 

For many people, the pain of a broken heart can eclipse
everything else going on in life. 

Without being judgmental of yourself, start to look around
at the other people and things in your everyday world.

Are there friends or family members who you could devote
more time to? Perhaps there are projects at home, work or
related to a hobby that you haven't attended to lately. 

What is already present in your life that you couldn't
previously see because you were so focused in on the
breakup? 

Be gentle with yourself and don't force things. But, begin
to look up from your intense feelings and see what you see. 

Follow your heart and your interests and expand what you are
focused upon. 

We aren't for one minute suggesting that you should stuff
down the sadness, grief or anger that you might be feeling
about the breakup. 

Instead, we are urging you to feel what you are feeling and
then bring yourself back to the people, places and things
that are waiting for you right here and now. 

Read more »

3 Keys To Stopping the Pain of a Broken Heart‏

It doesn't matter whether you were the one who left or you were the
one who was left--there is usually a mixture of emotions that come
up. There could be regret, sadness, resentment, relief, loss, grief
and a mixture of all of those.

Whatever you are feeling right now, we know that at the very bottom 
it,there is probably some kind of pain.

It can show up differently as emotional pain or physical pain--or a
mixture of both.

When one woman we know experienced a divorce, she actually had
physical pain in her heart. She was so grief-stricken that she
thought she was having a heart attack. In an extreme case such as
this, you need to be checked out by a physician--but the point is
that there is very real pain after a breakup or divorce.

So the question is...

How do you stop the pain?

The funny thing about pain is that it is usually pointing to 
something that you need to heal or look at in your life. Now you
may be telling us that it's pretty obvious what you need to heal--
the loss of your relationship or to get your relationship back--but 
maybe it isn't as obvious as that.

So the first thing that we would suggest if you are in pain from
a breakup or divorce is ...

1. Acknowledge that you are in pain
Acknowledge "what is" right now. Right now, you may be experiencing
the extremes of either getting busy "doing" so that all of your
time is filled up and you can't think or you are so overcome with
emotion that you aren't functioning very well in your job or your
personal life. 

As you've probably discovered, neither of these ways is very 
helpful or healthy for you to deal with the pain. 

If you cover the pain up with lots of "doing," whether it's exercise
or working long hours, the pain always comes out and hits you in
the face at some point. Maybe you can't sleep and take sleeping
pills because your thoughts and emotions are overwhelming. Whatever
happens, the pain always catches up to you.

If you find that you are completely incapacitated by your pain and
all you want to do is stay in bed, that's probably not working 
either. You may be missing work, staying away from your friends and
hibernating. You life may seem that it's on hold and you can't move
further. Being overwhelmed with pain is not dealing with it either. 

The choice you can make, whether you are incapacitated by your pain
or are burying it, is to really look at it and not try to run
away from it.

2. Discover what your pain is telling you.
Now this may seem a little weird to you but as we said before, pain 
is always telling us something and our job is to listen. 

Here's one way to listen to what your pain is saying...

Find a quiet spot, sit quietly with yourself, close your eyes and no 
distractions like television or the internet.

Take a few moments to quiet yourself by breathing deeply into your
belly region. If thoughts come in, bring your attention back to
your breathing.

When you are calmer, move your attention to your heart (or any other 
place in your body that has pain) and breathe into that spot. Don't
try to judge or put meaning to your pain right now.

Just allow yourself to fully pay attention to the area of your body
that the pain is causing you distress. Remember no judgments, no
self-talk about your situation.

Just be totally present with what is.

3. Practice this exercise whenever you feel overwhelmed or if you 
feel compelled to bury yourself in some activity. 
 
At first, it may seem unusual to do this but the more you practice,
believe it or not, the more you learn about yourself and your pain--
and the best ways to heal it and move forward.

Get quiet and listen. Even if you are in a busy office, go to the
restroom, sit in the stall and breathe. 

Do it and keep doing it. If you do this consistently, we're sure 
that you will feel dramatically better and better

Read more »

Ideas about how to keep your relationship passionate, alive and growing over the years...

Here are a few ideas about how to keep your 
relationship passionate, alive and growing over
the years...

1. Make small changes and look for what happens
for the better.

Try one suggestion--make one small change in the
way you interact with your partner-- and look for one 
small thing that is better.

It might be that you've gotten into a habit of putting
your partner down--maybe in fun--but it's no longer
funny to him or her, if it ever was.

One small change might be to stop when you feel
the urge to make fun of your partner and instead
don't say anything or give him or her a compliment.

Maybe your partner puts you down and it's meant
as a joke but you don't think it's funny. 

One small change might be to tell him or her how
it feels to you.


"It may not have been your intention to hurt me but when
you said _________, I felt embarrassed (or whatever you
felt)"

2. Remember to focus on what's going right.

We know that in our relationship, when we focus on what's
going right instead of what's wrong, we feel closer to one
another and more connected.

Now of course there are certainly times when you need
to focus on what's wrong--if there truly is something going
on that is against your values or your agreements with
one another.

But don't let resentment build without dealing with it and
getting some resolution.

Then when you have resolution, don't hang onto the hurt
in the past. Bring yourself into the present and focus on
what's right in the present moment.

That's how passion, connection and trust are rebuilt and
stay strong--one moment at a time and in the present
moment.

The question is...

Are you living together or dying together?

Are you growing together or growing apart more of the time?

Are you moving forward together or backwards separately?

Read more »

New FREE Mini e -course to begin on MONDAY 6th June

Hi Faithful Followers


This is just brief message to inform everyone that my NEW mini e-course regarding creating more love, passion, connection and a "Red Hot Love Relationship." will commence on monday the 6th June. The last FREE mini course i did had a great response. This time around the course will run for 5 days so sign up for free emails right into your inbox to ensure that you don't miss out.


Thanks
Nicolette

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You Can Be In Love for Life

It has always been the fantasy. To meet the man or woman of your dreams and to live blissfully together until death do you part. Problem is that half of all marriages end in divorce. And yes, I know that according to some, this particular statistic isn't all that accurate, but the truth is that breaking up is, at best, a painful process, and most of us have had more experience with it than we care to remember.

It has been known for a very long time that those in healthy marriages or long-term relationships have lower mortality rates and better immune systems, and now scientists are attributing lower stress levels to those fortunate enough to be in loving committed relationships. So who wouldn't want love with benefits like a longer life and soul-warming affection?

Well, once you've had a bad relationship, no matter how it ended, getting back in the saddle can be as daunting as auditioning for American Idol. But you can't win if you don't play, and going about finding a mate half-heartedly will only get you half a love. Should you decide to jump in again, here's some great news.

According to an article on Match.com, a postdoctoral researcher at U.C. Santa Barbara, Bianca Acevedo, discovered through the use of surveys and brain scans that even after 20 years of togetherness, about 30 percent of married couples stay "in love." Another survey said that 18 percent of couples were still "very intensely in love" after 10 years or more.

This blows away the previous studies that say most people only stay in love for six months to three years, long enough to bear a child. I never really bought into that one. Even after a very difficult time, couples who work at it can put the love back into their relationships. To some, it comes as easily as realizing that they have become distant from their partners and making the decision to change it. Just remember that making this happen takes both effort and desire.

For love to work, you have to believe in it. I know many couples on second and third marriages who say they are happier than they have ever been. Don't think that a false start or two makes you damaged goods. The truth is that you must have learned something, and chances are you won't make the same mistake again.

Being in love for life doesn't mean that you will stay with your high-school sweetheart. It means that at any time you can make the choice to change your situation and make your life one of love and support. No, you won't always be right and your mate won't laugh at all your jokes, but if you work to create true love, you will have something more precious than jewels. Ask anyone who has lost the love of their life: what they would trade to have that person back? If yours is still here, make it happen. If not, go find one. Life is too short to stand on the sidelines.

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Can You Truly "Be Friends" With Your Ex?

When a couple ends their love relationship or marriage, in the majority of cases, both people want it to be an amicable break up.  Quite often, the two will promise to be "friends" as they make the transition to single life.

We're completely in support of there being as much respect and kindness as possible during and after a relationship break up.  However, many times the desire to stay friends and maintain a strong friendship with one's ex causes all kinds of problems.

While it is absolutely possible to be friends-- even good friends-- with your ex, this needs to happen with a lot of clarity, honesty and consciousness.

Take Jim and Candace for example...

When Jim and Candace got divorced, they were so intent on making the changes easy for their kids, they pledged to be friends no matter what. They promised one another that-- for the sake of their children's happiness-- they would continue to make one another a top priority, they would all spend regular time together as a family and they would always "be there" for each other.

This seemed to be working out well, until Jim started dating again.  He still had dinner with Candace and the kids a few times a week. He still e-mailed and texted with Candace-- about the kids and other topics too-- at least once a day. And, Jim willingly continued to be the first person that Candace turned to with a problem.

As you might guess, when Jim's girlfriend saw how involved he continued to be with Candace, she felt jealous. Even though Candace was outwardly supportive of Jim's new love relationship, inside she was devastated. Candace felt betrayed and hurt, regardless of how supportive she was trying to be when she talked with Jim.

Jim felt torn and unhappy about the whole situation.

Can you be friends with your ex?

Yes!

Is it always wise or in your best interests to be friends with your
ex?

Not necessarily.

Know your motives. 
Before you promise your soon-to-be ex that you two will "always be friends," stop. Before you continue to be best buddies with your ex, stop. Take some time to examine your own motives.

When you're completely honest with yourself, are you only agreeing to be friends with your ex because you are holding out hope that one day the two of you will reunite?

Are you saying "yes" to a friendship with him or her not because you really want to, but because you feel like this is letting your ex down easier?

Are agreeing to be friends as a way to feel safer, less lonely or to have someone to help you take care of your home or other responsibilities?

There are all kinds of motivations that might be compelling you to be friends with your ex. It is understandable that you might want certain roles that he or she used to play continue. It is also understandable that you might want to keep some level of interaction alive-- even if it is not what it used to be (or what you really want).

You're not wrong for wanting to be friends- or even more than friends-- with your ex. After all, you have most likely shared quite a bit of life and yourself with this person. It makes sense that you may wish to hold on to that connection in whatever form you possibly can.

What we're urging you to do is to recognize the reasons why you want to be friends with your ex. Remember, being kind, considerate and respectful are not necessarily the same thing as being friends.

Being friends with someone almost always involves a level of commitment and emotional intimacy. Being kind, considerate and respectful can make interactions with another person more pleasant and peaceful.

If you're starting to see that your motivations are leading you toward heartbreak, bitterness or resentment, remind yourself of this important difference.

Allow space for healing. 
Even if after considering your motivations you do decide that remaining friends with your ex is wise and appealing to you, take some time for just yourself and your healing. It's vital that you give yourself space to start the healing process and to adjust to the transitions taking place in your life.

It's just about impossible to wake up one day married or as lovers and then the next day declare-- and really believe it-- that you're just friends.

Deliberately widen your pool of support people. Re-connect with friends and family members who can possibly be there for you when you need a hug, advice, help with a clogged drain or other things that your ex used to do for you.

Make completions with your past relationship and grieve for its ending if that's how you feel. Take the time to really listen to how you feel and give yourself what you need.

Shift your expectations and create a new friend relationship, if you choose.
Be clear with yourself and with your ex about your new friendship.  Let him or her know what being friends means to you and then follow through with what you've stated.

If you feel jealous of your ex's new partner or you are annoyed when he or she doesn't call or e-mail you as much as you'd like, this is a signal for you to once again explore your motives. Acknowledge your feelings and re-visit the question of how healthy maintaining this level of friendship or interaction is for you.

Again, remind yourself that your ex is not the only person in your life who can be a source of support, companionship, fun and love. If you're having a difficult time thinking of anyone else who can do this, challenge yourself. Open up to new friendships with others and to deeper connections with the people you already know. 

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Create Agreements that Will Make Life with Your Woman Easier...and Sexier Too!

 Stephen is trying to be patient with his wife, but it's been tough lately. It seems like sarcasm, snide comments and full-blown arguments are happening more and more frequently. 

The tension that's coming between Stephen and his wife revolves around money issues. A couple of years ago, Stephen started his own business. He is really enjoying the challenge and has had some successes along the way, but the business is still not solid and profitable yet.

Stephen is convinced that, given a little more time, his business will be highly lucrative for him and his family too. His wife is not so sure.

She is stressed out most of the time and pours over the numbers for the household and his business everyday. She wants him to look for what she calls a "real job."

They can't seem to find any semblance of agreement on this and the tension has spilled over into the bedroom too. Stephen can't remember the last time that he and his wife made love with one another-- or laughed together either.

In any love relationship or marriage, there can come a time when you and your partner face an issue that you simply don't see eye-to-eye about. You might each work very hard to convince the other how much sense your position is, but this only seems to solidify the opposition.

For you and your woman, the issue that seems to be driving a wedge between you might be money. Or, it could be something else like flirting, jealousy, lying, intimacy, sex or decisions involving your kids.

In many cases, it really matters less what the actual issue is than the way that this disagreement seems to be intensifying and tearing you two apart.

One way to bring some ease to a difficult and contentious situation is to create agreements about it.

The agreement that you reach and follow can lessen the tension and help you both know what you each expect in regard to this tricky topic. The process of creating the agreement can be a way that you two start to move closer together again as you both share and listen and try to understand one another's positions.

As you probably already know, frequent arguing, bickering and stress can be a big turn off. Your woman may be less in the mood to make love with you when there is an unresolved issue.

On the other hand, when you create an agreement and find some level of resolution about the issue, you're both most likely going to be more open to sex.

Creating agreements that are clear, fair and follow-able are a great way to move closer to not only a resolution about this difficult issue, but also to most closer to one another.

Propose clear and specific agreements.
Come to a conversation about this topic with your woman with a clear idea of what you really want. Too often, things can become muddy or distracted when either or both people are triggered and already upset.

You could suggest to your partner that you two create an agreement and then start things off with a proposal that addresses your priorities and core desire. Be open-- and let her know that you are open-- to modifications to this proposal.

Stephen, for example, sits down with his wife and proposes that they give his business another 9 months to grow. He suggests that at the end of the 9 months, they sit down together and assess whether this is something that is feasible to continue.

Be aware if you lay out your suggested agreement as more of an ultimatum or demand. This is NOT what we're going for. Demanding that your partner do things "your way" is very different from an agreement.

There might be a time when you feel so strongly about your position that you are willing to literally leave if things do not change the way you want them to. One example of this may be if your woman is having an affair and you are ready to end the relationship if she doesn't stop the cheating.

An agreement, on the other hand, is collaborative, flexible and a way to re-connect with your partner.

Incorporate her ideas too. 
After you've proposed the agreement that you had in mind, now it's your woman's turn to contribute. Remind yourself that giving her the space to fully consider what you've suggested and then really listening to what she wants is NOT going to undermine your priorities and what you want.

Don't interrupt her and don't reject her contributions to the agreement as she states them.

Take the time to feel into yourself.  What are the changes, additions or deletions to your proposal that you are most willing to accept? What exactly don't you like about
her specific ideas that you feel resistant to?

Ideally, creating an agreement is a process that is done over the course of a few (more or less) conversations. Give yourselves the time to really understand what each wants and also the time to be clear about why you are open to some things and closed to others.

Set up an agreement that you BOTH will actually follow and feel good
about.
When your ideas and your woman's ideas overlap-- or come close to it-- make that part of your agreement. It can provide positive momentum when you notice and appreciate these places of alignment-- even if they seem small or less significant.

Build on that momentum and come up with some kind of agreement that you both can reasonably follow and feel okay about too.

The long-term success of an agreement is in its being created in an environment of honesty and openness. When you do your best to keep it honest, open and collaborative, you're more likely to feel closer to your woman in the process. 

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How to Communicate with Your Mate About the Tough Stuff: Jealousy

Joe's wife, Kristi, has a jealousy problem and he's had enough. It seems that every single day there is new drama in their marriage...generated by her.

It's often the same turn of events. Joe comes home a little late because he's been tied up at work or maybe he needs a little time to unwind after a long day, so he stops for a drink with a co-worker.

Then, when Joe does arrive home, it seems like he's always greeted with accusations and interrogations. Joe wants to know how to talk with Kristi about her jealousy before it's too late for their marriage.

When it comes to jealousy, talking with your partner in a way that doesn't tear you further apart can be really tricky.

It may be obvious to you that your mate has a problem. The number of times that he or she has flown off the handle and accused you of flirting, looking at others or even having an affair may be too many to count.

On the other hand, if you are the one who tends to get jealous, it may be obvious to you that your partner is the one with the problem.

Perhaps, from your point of view, he or she truly is a flirt and sometimes even talks, looks at or touches others in ways that you find inappropriate.

What's your perspective? 
When it comes to jealousy, your perspective can truly alter what you see. It can mean the difference between words or actions being innocent and "no big deal" OR them being suspicious and betraying.

This is really important to remember as you set about to communicate about jealousy in a way that helps you and your partner move closer together.

Try to move beyond the question of who's right and who's wrong.

You are certainly experiencing a situation in a particular way and your mate is probably experiencing the same situation differently.

In order for the two of you to be able to talk about what you each want and to create agreements you both can stick with, it's vital that you remind yourself that your perspective is not the only
perspective of what's going on.

Does this mean that you have to just sit there silently while, for example, your boyfriend so clearly checks out an attractive woman who walks by?

Of course not.

What it means is that instead of yelling around about it or storming off, you make a clear and, as calm as possible, choice about what you'll do next.

Speak honestly and about your feelings. The next time that Joe comes home late to an irate wife, he does something out of the ordinary.

He hears her litany of questions... "Where were you? How do I know you were really at work? When will you learn to treat me with respect and call me when you'll be late?"

Then, Joe tells Kristi that he's going to take a few moments by himself and then he'd like to talk with her about this whole situation.

She is surprised, because this is not Joe's usual reaction, which is to yell back at her that she needs to just trust him and stay out of his business.

During this time alone, Joe takes some deep breaths and calms down. When he steps back from his own perspective for a moment, he can understand why Kristi would be upset and even feel jealous and worried.

Joe returns to Kristi and apologizes for being late and for his habit of not calling to let her know his plans. He then opens up and shares with her how sad he feels about the tension and conflict between them lately.

He tells her that knows that he's not easy to live with and that he feels trapped and boxed in when Kristi lays in on him with accusations and interrogations.

Together, Joe and Kristi begin to sort through how they each feel. A greater understanding of where they are both coming from results.

There is no magic cure for jealousy.

But, when you can begin to own and communicate honestly about your emotions and you take responsibility for your share in the habits that are driving you two apart, magical things can happen.

Choose words that reflect your experience of the situation. Do not label your partner's experience or guess what he or she wants or is feeling.

You can always ask questions to get more information about what's happening for him or her.

For example, Joe says to Kristi, "I get really angry when you automatically assume that I'm sleeping around with another woman because I get home late. But, I wonder if you are afraid that that's exactly what I'm doing when I don't call. Is that true for you?"

When you ask a question, be sure you really listen to your mate's response. Even if you don't agree with his or her perspective, you might be able to better understand what's going on for him or her when you do.

From this place of listening and sharing honestly, you and your partner can create agreements that will help you to overcome jealousy, bolster trust and begin to move closer together. 

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Stop Putting Your Needs Last in Your Love Relationship

Does it ever seem like you have to choose between making yourself happy and making your partner happy in your relationship?

It might appear to you as if either you or your mate can have your needs met-- but not both of you at the same time. You might reason to yourself that this is just "compromise" or that this is what relationships are all about.

We simply don't agree. In the majority of situations, there is a way for both you and your mate to feel satisfied about a resolution to a particular conflict or disagreement.

It is absolutely possible for you AND your partner to feel like your needs are being met-- even if they are different needs.

You may have developed a habit of putting what you want on the back burner in life. This tendency might come from your desire to please your mate or to not upset the "fragile balance" between the two of you. It might also relate back to lessons about relationships or gender that you learned growing up.

The trouble with consistently and frequently putting your needs last is that you can end up feeling like a martyr in your relationship.  You put yourself in the position of essentially sacrificing yourself for the sake of your partner.

This almost always results in you feeling resentful-- even if you try to keep those feelings hidden. In addition to the resentment, you will also probably experience unhappiness and upset because you aren't giving yourself what you need.

You might believe that putting your own needs last is a favor or gift you are giving to your partner, but it's not! When you are depriving yourself by squashing down your own desires, you simply can't be as present and open to your mate as you might otherwise be able to be.

Your love will not be able to flow the way you might want it to in your relationship.

You partner will probably also feel confused and unsure of you.  After all, you aren't acting and speaking with integrity when you regularly shove aside your own opinions and desires in favor of his or hers.

This can create an environment of mistrust in which both of you are closed down and distant with one another.

Putting your own needs last is simply not conducive to you having the connected, close relationship you might have been trying to create in the first place.

Stay in touch and aware of what you want. 
Get in the habit of tuning in to yourself and to what you want-- not just when it comes to "big" decisions, but in each and every moment.

When you awake in the morning, practice listening to what your inner self is needing. It could be that your body is craving some alone time involving a good book and a warm bath. Or it may be that you really need close, loving touches and physical sharing with your mate.

Take the time to ask yourself how you feel about a particular situation as you are talking with your partner. Allow yourself a few moments (or however long you need) to process what he or she is saying and feel into yourself to become clear about what you would like to have happen next.

You can let your partner know that the pauses you are taking before responding in a conversation mean that you are tuning in to yourself so that what you share is from your heart and well-considered.

Have the courage and patience to stay open. 
Just because you make a change and stop putting your own needs last, it doesn't mean you will begin to offer your partner ultimatums or that you will always "get your way."

Once you are clear about what you need, you can cultivate the courage to communicate that need to your mate. And then you can stay open and be patient.

Listen closely to what your partner's needs are and don't reject them just because they seem, at first glance, to be diametrically opposed to what you want. Stick with this open and loving energy.

Look for solutions that you both can feel content with. The decision or outcome that you two make together might not be what you initially expected-- it could be even better.

If your intention is to stay connected AND have your needs met, it is more likely that those win-win solutions will become apparent.  Follow through with these need-satisfying plans and celebrate how much closer you and your partner have become in the process. 

Read more »

When Your Partner Wants "More" and You're Not Sure

Let's say that you have been dating a particular person for a period of time and the relationship has been fun, interesting, passionate and overall quite enjoyable. But now your partner wants more.

He or she has commented to you that it's time to take your relationship to the "next level." Frankly, this suggestion strikes fear and torment in you!

You really care about your partner-- you might even love him or her-- but you don't want to make a change or go to any "next level."

This dynamic can result in a lot of confusion, misunderstanding, hurt feelings and distance. You might see your partner as ruining a good thing by asking for more. Your partner may feel like you are dragging your feet and resisting a deeper commitment.

It might seem that the two of you are very far apart when it comes to what you want for the future of your relationship. And it may even appear that you two have to make a radical decision that could even mean breaking up.

Is it possible for two people who seem to want such different things to remain in a healthy and satisfying relationship? Will one of you have to give in and let go of what you truly desire in order to stay together?

This is a difficult-- and common-- relationship challenge. And these questions can be equally difficult to resolve.

Take heart if you are in such a relationship dilemma. Other people have faced these questions and apparent disagreements and have figured out how to stay together. You can too if that's what you decide to do.

It is possible for your relationship to weather this kind of obstacle as well. In fact, you might find that you two end up closer than before.

Get clear about what you do want. 
When you feel triggered and confused because your partner seems to desire a change that you are not so sure about, it's time for some clarity.

Our first suggestion to you is to stop jumping to conclusions about what this suggestion will mean-- or even about what your partner might be thinking.

Focus in on what you can know for sure; this is what you DO want.

Ask yourself if you want to continue being in a relationship with this person. Think about the agreements that you two might have made so far and feel into yourself to see if those still feel acceptable to you.

What are the changes you might like to make in your relationship?  Please note that we are not asking what changes you'd like your partner to make. What would you like to be different in your relationship?

This can include your own behaviors and habits as well as the way you and your partner interact and communicate.

Overall, how do you feel about this person? Be certain to acknowledge all of your feelings and also what you appreciate.

Get clearer about what your partner wants. 
If you want to stay in this relationship, you probably want there to be a healthy connection between the two of you. You probably want this disagreement about taking your relationship to the "next level" to be resolved in a way that pleases you both.

Another step toward such a resolution is to be clearer about what your partner wants.

When your partner asks for "more" or to move your relationship to the "next level," this might mean something completely different than what you guess it means.

Is he or she talking about getting married? Moving in together? Creating a drawer or space in the bathroom of his or her house for a few of your personal belongings?

It could mean any or none of these things.

Communicate your questions in a way that promotes openness. For example, you might say: "When you tell me that you want more from our relationship, what does that mean to you? Can you tell me more about what you want?" 

Your partner could then give you some specific ideas of what he or she is talking about. Feel free to ask for time to think about what has been requested.

Again, when you ask for time you can choose words that will encourage connection.

For instance, you could reply: "I appreciate you giving me more information about what you want. I care very much about you and our relationship and I will respond to what you are asking. Can we sit down together tomorrow evening after I've had a
chance to process and think more about what you've said?" 

Instead of making assumptions and reacting out of fear, irritation or resistance, get a fuller picture of what you want and what your partner wants. From there, you can more easily see the overlap between what you both desire and choose your next direction from there.

If this type of change still feels overwhelming to you, you can ask your partner to take it one decision at a time. There are almost always options that allow you both to feel satisfied while keeping your connection close. 

Read more »

The Hazards of Breakup Guilt

Jenny feels miserable. She is having a difficult time sleeping, cries easily and feels mostly like hiding away in her apartment.  This all began after her breakup with her long-term boyfriend.

It's all a big surprise to Jenny because breaking up was her idea.  She's the one who told him that their relationship was over. She's the one who packed up, moved out and started a new life...or, at least, is trying to.

If you are the one who broke up with or filed for divorce from your partner, you might be just as shocked as Jenny about how you feel.

Yes, you could be relieved that you are finally free of the angst, drama and emotional pain that possibly was present in your former relationship. You may be certain that breaking up was the best choice to make and yet...

You might also feel guilt.

You may feel guilty about making the choice to end the relationship, guilty about how torn up your ex is about you leaving or guilty about your role in whatever drove a wedge between you two in the first place.

We're here to tell you that guilt is not going to mend your ex's broken heart and it's not going to help you feel better. Guilt is mostly going to keep you stuck in the pain of the past and prevent you from creating the kind of future that you want for yourself.

If you aren't already familiar with the hazards of guilt, here are a few that you may be experiencing: sadness, depression, sleep disturbances, lack of appetite, overeating, tension in existing relationships, mood swings and even physical health problems.

Guilt is never beneficial for you, but it may be what you are feeling. So, how can you make the guilt go away?

Take responsibility and learn from what happened. 
Another interesting thing about guilt is that sometimes it is a way that a person unconsciously avoids taking ownership for his or her actions.

Instead of stepping up and saying, "Yes, I did____ and now I will make amends for that" the person continually focuses in on how guilty he or she is and really doesn't do anything more about it.

Calling yourself a "bad person" or otherwise beating up on yourself out of guilt is not taking responsibility-- it is an avoidance technique.

There may be nothing you can do to make amends to your partner. In fact, there might not even be a reason for you to make amends.  However, you can own your words and actions. You can take responsibility for whatever it is you are feeling so guilty about if this is truly appropriate to do.

This is NOT a suggestion for you to take the blame for why you and your ex-partner broke up. This is NOT advice telling you to try to be responsible for your ex's emotions or well-being.

This IS about you acknowledging that you made the choices you made and deciding if there is anything more you need to do to bring closure to the situation.

The process of taking responsibility for your share in whatever happened between you and your ex may not involve you communicating with him or her-- or it might. Feel into yourself and listen for what you are called to do next.

Be sure that you are really learning from this inner work. If there were specific habits of yours that seemed to be part of what drove you and your ex apart, this is probably something you want to address (and change) before you enter a new relationship.

Deliberately take steps to release the past-- and the guilt. 
Releasing the past is what it's all about. You cannot possibly move past the guilt and past your ended relationship-- complete with its angst, drama and pain-- until you let it all go.

Notice the specific memories or thoughts where you are feeling most stuck. These are most likely the places where you have unresolved business to attend to. This will probably involve you taking ownership for your role in a dynamic and learning from it.

When you feel like you have learned all that you can from this particular incident or tendency in your ended relationship, come up with a specific way that you can release it.

Get creative if that helps. Write a letter about it (whether or not you mail it is not important). Burn a symbol of the incident or habit in your fireplace. Get in a sauna or steam room and "sweat" it out.

Symbolic completion rituals like these can be very effective in helping you let go of whatever is keeping you stuck.

Another very important way to release the past (and the guilt) is to keep yourself focused on the present moment.

Stop fixating on the past and what you "should" have said or done differently. If you've taken responsibility, made amends-- if that was appropriate-- and learned from it, all that's left for you to do is to deliberately bring yourself back to the here and now. 

Read more »

3 Tips for Re-Connecting After Jealousy Gets in the Way

Have you ever said or done something in the heat of jealousy and then uttered these words...

"I can't believe I just did that!"

If so, you are not alone.

The fear, worry and anger of jealousy can become so inflamed that it appears to take over your better senses. You might end up feeling mostly regret for what you just did.

Even if you don't feel regret about your jealousy-motivated actions or words (because sometimes they seem perfectly justified), it may become clear to you that it is getting in the way.

Jealousy is getting in the way of you and your partner having the kind of connection that you'd like.

Jealousy is getting in the way of the kind of communication you want to have with your mate.

Jealousy is getting in the way of the confident and assured manner that you'd like for yourself.

When you become adept at recognizing your jealous feelings when they first appear, you can start to apply techniques that can help you find ease and resolution easier and sooner...before you say the words or take the actions that lead to further distance in your relationship.

But that kind of early identification doesn't always happen. You need to know what steps you could take to re-connect with your partner after jealousy has appeared to have taken hold of you.

You need to know what to do when you are looking back at what just happened and you say to yourself...

"I can't believe I just did that!"

Here are three simple, yet very powerful, tips for re-connecting in just such a situation:

#1) Take responsibility.

Let's face it. It's not usually comfortable (or easy) to own up to what you've done.

We humans seem to have a propensity for pointing the finger of blame at anyone-- or anything-- other than us when something regrettable has occurred.

We aren't asking you to take the full brunt of the blame for the hurtful words that were said or the disconnecting actions that were taken. In fact, we don't want to focus on blame at all.

Instead, we encourage you to take responsibility for your share of the dynamics that are moving you and your partner further apart. Take no more and no less responsibility than your share.

Acknowledge that you are struggling with jealousy and that you allowed your jealous emotions to take over. Admit to what you've done or said with honesty and openness.

#2) Make amends.

Don't underestimate the power of a genuine and heartfelt apology. It does need to truly come from the heart, however.

Your partner can most likely feel it if you really are sorry about what happened.

When you apologize, don't apologize for anything but what you are responsible for. It is helpful if you see your apology as an end unto itself, rather than a way to force your mate to own up to what you think he or she should be sorry for.

If it feels appropriate, you can ask your partner how you might make amends for what you've done. Really listen to what he or she is requesting.

Are you willing to make amends in this way? If not, is there another action that is similar to this that you might propose?

When you do agree to make amends in a particular way, be sure to follow through.

Every time that you follow through-- whether it's making amends or on other agreements-- you bolster trust and promote connection.

#3) Learn from what happened.

This is essential. Remember the saying, "Those who forget the lessons of history are doomed to repeat them?"

Take a thorough and honest look at your jealousy habit and the past (and present) experiences and dynamics that fuel it.

If you have low self esteem, it is probable the your jealousy is being fed by those beliefs. If you still carry around pain from being cheated on in the past, this is probably playing a part in your jealousy today.

Begin to make completions with your past and also to change any limiting beliefs so that you can stop your jealousy habit. It might take time and a lot of persistence-- but it's worth it.
 

While these 3 tips may seem simplistic, they are potentially relationship-altering. In many cases, people know what is required in difficult situations such as those involving jealousy, but they don't take the common sense steps called for.

Read more »

3 Things to Say When Your Man is Staring at Other Women

Jessica is furious. She and her boyfriend, Todd, are out having dinner together at their favorite restaurant. Yet, again, Jessica notices that Todd is starting at every attractive woman that passes by their table. This is a busy, trendy restaurant, so that's a lot!

From her perspective, Todd isn't even trying to hide the fact that he's checking out other women. When he craned his neck to watch the backside of a good-looking woman walk by, Jessica can't take it any longer.

She throws her drink in his face, grabs her purse and storms out of the restaurant. When Todd calls Jessica later that night, he is angry. He tells her that she's making a "big deal out of nothing."  As usual, Todd reminds her that he's never cheated on her and that looking at other women is completely harmless.

If you're a woman who is in a love relationship or marriage with a man who tends to stare at other women, you would probably agree with Jessica that this is NOT a completely harmless behavior. While it's true that checking out an attractive woman is vastly different than cheating, there is an effect...and it's not beneficial to
relationship connection and trust.

When your man stares at other women, you may try to keep your cool and pretend that it doesn't bother you. If this is your usual reaction, good luck keeping that up!

Or, you might try to talk with him about this. You may have already asked him to stop the behavior and he may have even agreed to, but he hasn't kept his word. Like Todd, your man may have brushed away your concerns (and your feelings), called you jealous and become defensive.

If you're bothered that your partner is staring at other women, escalating your criticisms of his behavior is probably not working.  Quietly fuming about it isn't helpful to you or your relationship
either.

Before we offer you communication advice for what you could say when he's staring at other women, we encourage you to do this first...

Stop the stories and get clear about what's true. 

If your partner has a history of checking out other women, you're possibly expecting him to keep doing this. You may also have a big story already firmly planted in your mind about why he does this and what it means.

Some-- or none-- of that story may be true.

Before you say or do anything at all, notice what you're thinking and how you're feeling. Pay attention to what you might be telling yourself in an attempt to understand his behavior and then get really clear about what's your story and what's actually going on.

It may be that, this time, he was not actually staring at another woman. Perhaps he truly was looking at the game on the tv above the bar. Maybe he was searching for your server so that he could order an appetizer.

Maybe and maybe not.

If there's a question in your mind about what he actually was doing, acknowledge that to yourself. Really hone in on what you can reliably know about what he was doing and pay special attention to how you feel about it.

Now, you're ready to communicate about this... 

#1: "I'd like to connect with you."
Believe it or not, you don't even have to make an accusation like, "I see you checking her out!" in order to change the situation. Focus in on what you really want-- that could be to have a close and loving connection with your man.

If this is what you really want, let him know that without pointing out how he is to blame for what you believe you don't have.

This is NOT letting him "off the hook." What a statement like this does is to communicate to your partner that he's important to you and that you'd like to check in with him. It can re-direct his attention back to you. From there, you two can engage in whatever conversation or activity you were doing before.

#2: "I feel ignored and rejected when you stare at other women." 
"I feel" statements are powerful ways to address a troubling situation without putting the other person on the defensive. You are taking ownership for how you feel and you place your feelings in the context of his behaviors.

Let's be clear that nobody-- not even your man-- can make you feel any particular way. You feel how you feel largely because of your thoughts, beliefs and perceptions. This doesn't mean that it's okay for your partner to ogle other women, either.

Let him know that you have feelings that come up when he acts in certain ways. A statement like this can open the door to how you two can work together so that you BOTH feel fulfilled in your relationship.

#3: "I think she's pretty too. Now, can I have your attention so that we can return to our date?"
This third possible statement is one that acknowledges what's going on (from your perspective) and then re-focuses both of you on what your true priority is-- your date, your dinner together, your conversation and each other.

You know, some people are absolutely gorgeous. This doesn't mean that you're not attractive, that you have to compete with someone who looks like a model or that your man thinks that you're ugly and wants to have an affair*.

It could mean that this woman caught your man's eye for some reason. You don't have to make it more than what it is. Just recognize out loud what you see is happening and let him know that you're interested in engaging with him.

Make sure that whatever you choose to say feels genuine to you and, if at all possible, speak in ways that encourage openness and honesty. Try words like these and see what happens.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------
*If you see red flags or signs that your partner IS having an affair, don't ignore them. Be wise and rely on tangible evidence to decide what's really going on. 

Read more »

Focus on What you Want

No matter what mistakes you feel you 
and your partner have made, challenges you've had or 
problems you've encountered along the way, we hold the 
belief that today is a new day and anything is possible 
from this moment forward. 

Regardless of what has been true up until now about your 
communication challenges, in this moment, you have the 
opportunity to learn to do it differently. 

Whether you're 20, 30, 40, 50 or 80 years old, it's 
never too late to commit to creating ease and flow in 
your communication with other people. 

So, how do you do this? 

Step one is to acknowledge for yourself that there are 
other people who have exactly what you want for your 
life and to adopt the belief that if it's possible for 
someone else, then it's possible for you too. 

Once you begin to believe that yes, other people do 
have what you want and it's also possible for you too, 
then begin focusing on how you want to communicate with 
people and how you want others to communicate with you.

Don't spend time beating yourself up if you fall into 
old patterns that don't serve you or if your 
relationships aren't exactly the way you want them to be. 
It can take time to change lifelong patterns. Simply 
become aware of your pattern, recommit to creating the 
life or relationships that you want--one moment at a time, 
doing your best in each moment. 

If you feel that you must talk to others about your 
disappointments about the way things have been in the 
past, always use the phrase 'up until now..." By using 
the phrase 'up until now...' you are opening your 
heart and mind to possibilities of change within your 
relationships.

Focusing on what you want instead of what you don't 
want in your relationships and in your life does work! 
Shift your thinking and you will see your life 
transform before your eyes.

****************************
1) Remember what you said in the Introduction 
about your communication challenges. Take some time 
now and list those challenges again. Beside each one, 
list some positive ways you are going to focus on 
bringing about change in your life. 





****************************
TIPS for focusing on what you want
1. Write your agreements and how you want your 
communication with others to be on a piece of paper 
and place them where you'll see them several times a 
day as a reminder.

2. Ask for the help of people you trust to make 
those changes as you continue to move toward the love 
and connections that you want with others.

3. If you find your thoughts and actions drifting 
back into old patterns, stop, take three deep breaths, 
shift your thoughts to what you want in life, 
appreciate the other person and recommit to your 
commitments.

Read more »

Trust, Communication and Their Challenges in Relationships...

If communication is a challenge for you right now in your relationships, 
one of the biggest issues may be a lack of trust. 

If trust is an issue for you in your relationships and in your life, 
we don't have to tell you how painful it is.

Trust is the one quality that a relationship simply can't survive without. 
If you don't have trust, then you'll put a question mark in front of 
everything your partner says. You'll doubt their love. You'll harbor 
unhealed resentments which get in the way of clear communication. 

In short, if for whatever reason you can't trust no matter how hard you 
try, you'll keep your partner at a distance and not let them get too close 
to you which most likely will impact your communication with them. 

Sometimes people who have trouble communicating tell us things like... "I 
don't know why I can't talk to my husband. He hasn't done anything to 
deserve my mistrust," "I just can't seem to open up to my partner no 
matter what I do," "I'm always saying the wrong thing and I simply don't 
know how to talk with her anymore," and finally "I don't know how to deal 
with her lies anymore." 

What we've discovered is that no one is born with communication or trust 
issues. They are created from real or imagined fears about what may or may 
not be happening in their relationships. 

If there are trust issues and communication is difficult, one or both of 
the following explanations are usually underneath them:

1. The person is in a relationship with someone who has violated trust in 
some way and maybe even continues to violate it.

2. The person has had trust violated in past relationships and has created 
real fears in the present moment about events and circumstances that may 
or may not be happening in their current relationship.

The paradox of trust issues is that in order to heal trust, you have to be 
willing to open your heart and take conscious, intelligent risk. Most 
people who struggle with this issue have felt pain that is so great that 
they have shut themselves off from opening their hearts again. It's very 
difficult for them to move past this point.

Here are a few suggestions for "Creating Relationship Trust" 
that may help you begin to trust again and improve your communication:

1. Pay attention to the fears you are feeling, honor those feelings while 
discovering whether there is any truth to your fears.

2. We all tell stories to ourselves about everything in our lives. If you 
are telling yourself untrue stories about what is or may be happening, 
then stop yourself. Begin to trust in yourself that you can change the 
stories you tell yourself about your life or your relationships. 

3. Ask yourself this question-"Is my reaction really about what's 
happening right now?" If your answer is yes, then have the courage to deal 
honestly with your situation. If your answer is no, then have the courage 
to stop yourself from creating separation and distance by saying and doing 
things that will harm your relationship.

4. Keep in mind that learning to trust others starts with you. If there 
are blatantly untrustworthy people in your life right now, then you are 
being asked to look at yourself and discover how you can heal from your 
past. If you make up stories about people who are really trustable, you 
are still called to begin a healing process.

Please know that no matter what has happened in your relationships up 
until now that trust can be built and it CAN be rebuilt if it's been 
broken. 

Read more »

Communication E-Course--DAY 10‏-Show your Appreciation

Imagine what your life and your relationships would 
be like if everyday was Valentine's Day. 

First of all, we'd all be 300 lbs. from eating 
chocolate hearts and pink cookies. More importantly, 
we'd either be excited by or guilt-tripped into 
expressing our love and appreciation to the people 
in our lives every day.

The question is--why can't it be Valentine's Day 
everyday? 

Why do we need one day a year on which we've all 
agreed that we will express our love and appreciation 
to the people in our lives? 

We suggest that everyday could be a day that you 
express your love and appreciation--whether you have 
a 'significant other' or not. 

We all like to be appreciated. Somewhere deep inside, 
we all know that our lives would be better if we could 
just appreciate the people in our lives, but something 
stops us. Whether it is issues from the past, fear of 
the appreciation not being accepted or reciprocated, or 
simply not taking the time to do it, we often allow 
opportunities to enrich our relationships slip through 
our fingers.

We've found that honest, heartfelt appreciation helps 
to build safety and trust in a relationship and fosters 
good communication between two people.

Coming back to these goals and appreciating what the 
other is bringing to the project always helps us to 
move forward in a positive way. 

Appreciation can soften relationships that are 
experiencing challenges and create ease and flow in 
communication. 

Whenever there are communication challenges in your 
life, try turning your thoughts to appreciating 
something about that person rather than being critical 
of them. Sincere, verbal appreciation adds icing to 
the cake. 

So you might be asking--What do you do if your partner 
is always late, or he/she doesn't do anything that you 
appreciate? What if there isn't anything positive to 
appreciate?

No matter how bad a relationship is, there has to be 
something positive that you can catch the other person 
doing so that you can begin to show your
appreciation. 

We suggest that you look beneath the current situation 
or past unresolved differences. Was there ever a time 
that this person said or did something that you can 
appreciate? If so, start there.


**********************

Now, here are some questions that we'd like you to 
answer that will help you to move to a place of 
appreciation more easily with the people in your 
life:

1. Think of a person who presents communication 
challenges for you. Name three things that this 
person brings to your life and that you can appreciate 
about them.




2. Practice transforming critical thoughts to 
ones of appreciation. Think of something that really 
irritates you about them. Now take a deep breath and 
change that thought to one of the items on your list 
in #1. Keep practicing until it feels natural to 
change your negative thoughts. Remember that by 
doing this, you are not condoning what you perceive 
they have done or are doing to you or other people. 
You are simply flowing positive energy to a situation 
that has been mired in negativity.



3. If it is possible, take an opportunity to tell 
this person, in a sincere and loving way, one of the 
things you wrote in #1. If you were able to do this, 
what was his or her reaction? 




******************

TIPS for appreciating

1)  Practice appreciating the people in your life 
when you are in your car driving, standing in line at 
the grocery store or just before falling asleep. The 
more positive energy you flow out, the more positive 
energy will in turn flow your way.

2) When giving someone a verbal appreciation, 
stop what you are doing, make eye contact with him 
or her, and speak from your heart.

3) Take time to appreciate yourself everyday.

4) Whenever you find yourself irritated with a 
loved one, sit down with a piece of paper and list 
all of the qualities you really love about that 
person. Keep going until your irritation lifts. 
This doesn't mean that you don't need to express 
yourself but you will be coming from a clearer, more 
loving place if you shift your energy.

Read more »

Communication E-Course--DAY 6 - ‏Speak your truth as soon as you know it

Have you seen those big "dust bunnies" that form under 
your bed or any other place in your house that somehow 
get missed by that weekly sweep of the dust mop? The 
formation of "dust bunnies" can be very similar to how 
it is in your relationships when you keep your emotions 
and your truth from the people in your lives.

There are many reasons we allow "dust" to collect in our 
relationships and fear is always at the bottom. One of 
the biggest reasons is we don't want to "rock the boat" or 
shake the status quo by saying what is true for us. 
Although the present situation may not be the best, we 
fear that revealing how we really feel will make it worse. 

What we secretly fear is that our relationship will be 
torn apart by saying what we feel and sharing what's 
important to us.

Most of us don't realize that there can't be a true 
connection with another person without expression of 
truth. What is not expressed to the other person usually 
eventually comes up, in ways that are far more damaging to 
the relationship.

People somehow believe they are being loving when they 
withhold perceived unpleasant information from their 
partner. Not being forthcoming with your feelings is 
living with a lie and can ultimately create a separation 
between the two of you. 

Not speaking your truth as soon as you know it can create 
more problems than you realize because it leads to what 
we call "the Big 3."

These are: Assumptions, Resentments and Guilt. If you 
allow assumptions, resentments and guilt to get out of 
control, you become disconnected from other people which 
leads to emotional or physical separation. 

The reason we make assumptions is that we don't know what 
the people in our lives are thinking, feeling or what's 
important to them. Either they haven't shared their thoughts 
with us or we haven't asked, or maybe both.

Resentments build when we become angry and continue to hold 
onto the anger. As a result, one or both people do not 
speak what they are feeling and their needs are not being 
met.

Guilt becomes a big issue in relationships because we end 
up spending a great deal of emotional energy on "I should 
have told a truth" or something else that is important in 
the relationship. Guilt comes because of "shoulds."

Both of us have had challenges with speaking our truth and 
have had to learn to trust each other in order to open up. 

We've discovered that when you do this in relationships, 
you no longer make assumptions because you know that 
honest communication will prevent any 'dust' from 
accumulating between you. Having the courage to share 
what might tear the relationship apart is very empowering 
and can even be liberating.

So whether you find it difficult to speak your truth because 
you fear hurting your partner, making assumptions about 
your partner, or upsetting or possibly ending your 
relationship, we challenge you to contact your higher 
wisdom now to find out what is holding you back from 
authentic communication.

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1) What is the single biggest fear that you have in 
speaking your truth in your relationships?



2) What intention or agreement can you make with 
yourself or with your partner concerning speaking your 
truth?



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TIPS for speaking your truth
1) Practice the TIPS for feeling your feelings.

2) If you have difficulty feeling your feelings in the 
moment, you may need to give each other space to discover 
those feelings. When this happens to one of us, we always 
set a time when we will discuss the issue again.

3) If you have problems speaking your truth, start 
small. Start with something that is inconsequential like 
choosing a restaurant for a dinner out instead of agreeing 
to go wherever your partner wants to go.

4) Ask for your partner's attention when you want to 
speak, if that's a problem. Turn off the television and 
find a quiet spot.

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