Afraid you're never going to get over this feeling after your break-up?‏

If you've ever felt like you're never going to get over this 
feeling after your breakup
 
You might feel like the sadness, anger and other intense 
emotions are here to stay.

It can even seem like little else is going on in your life
but your broken heart pain. 

We're here to tell you that your can heal. No matter how
troubling your breakup was, you can feel better, even happy,
again. 

It all starts with a choice and a shift. 

Make the choice to heal. 

As simplistic as it may sound, when you make a deliberate
decision to turn toward healing, you can often make huge
strides toward that goal. 

Sometimes, we cling to our painful thoughts and memories
around the breakup because we are afraid that if we let go
of the agony, we will negate any chance there might be
(especially in our minds) of reuniting. 

On some level you might want nothing more than to just go
back to the way things were...even if you know that breaking
up was for the best. 

It is understandable that you might feel this way. 

We encourage you to ask yourself this: "Is carrying around
the pain and hurt serving you?"

If it isn't, maybe it's time to make the choice to heal. 

You could write down on a piece of paper an affirmative
statement of your intention to heal.

For example, you might write something as simple as: 
"I am ready to feel better."

Tuck the paper in your pocket so that you "feel" it often
during the day--or put it in your desk drawer where you
read it whenever you reach for your pen. 

Make a shift. 

If you're ready to take another small step toward healing,
make a shift.

When you make a shift in the way that you think about
yourself, your ex and the relationship that ended, you can
begin to move toward improvement.

One powerful way to make a shift toward healing is to
become an observer to your thoughts and beliefs. 

Let's face it. 

When you think to yourself something like, "I will never
find love again," it is your thought that is causing you
fear and sadness, not necessarily the reality of your life. 

After all, you simply can't know what the future holds for
you. 

Get into the habit of paying attention to what you are
thinking and believing. 

When a particular thought becomes fixed in your mind,
question that thought or belief the way that someone outside
your situation might do. 

You could start out by asking yourself, "Do I know ________ 
to be absolutely true?" 

Many times, realizing that what you are believing is not
necessarily accurate or true can help loosen the grip that
the painful thought seems to have over you. 

Another way to make a shift toward healing is to broaden
your view of your own life. 

For many people, the pain of a broken heart can eclipse
everything else going on in life. 

Without being judgmental of yourself, start to look around
at the other people and things in your everyday world.

Are there friends or family members who you could devote
more time to? Perhaps there are projects at home, work or
related to a hobby that you haven't attended to lately. 

What is already present in your life that you couldn't
previously see because you were so focused in on the
breakup? 

Be gentle with yourself and don't force things. But, begin
to look up from your intense feelings and see what you see. 

Follow your heart and your interests and expand what you are
focused upon. 

We aren't for one minute suggesting that you should stuff
down the sadness, grief or anger that you might be feeling
about the breakup. 

Instead, we are urging you to feel what you are feeling and
then bring yourself back to the people, places and things
that are waiting for you right here and now.

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4 Ways To Deal With Upsets, Anger and Anything Else

We've all experienced this at one time or another. Something happens, and we completely overreact.

We get upset, defensive and irritable and we don't
even want to (or can't) listen to what our partner is
saying.
Even though we just want to make him or her hear
and understand how we feel, we come off as
demanding and angry.
The last thing we want to do in that moment is to
understand where our partner is coming from, or
what he or she is going through.
Our partner has pushed a button and our automatic
response goes something like this...
"You hurt my feelings, it's not right and I'm going
to let you have it!"
We all do this but unfortunately when this happens
it never brings the two of you closer.
In fact, it brings more tension, stress and a lot of
unresolved conflict.
Here's a "button-pushing" scenario from our own
lives and what we did about it...

Several years ago, we'd get into conflict when
Otto had a particularly "uppity, sarcastic, superior"
(Susie's words) tone in his voice when he talked
to her on occasion.

Susie's anger button would be pushed big time and
of course, she had her own way of pushing
Otto's anger button.

Instead of expressing her anger in a healthy way,
she would come back with some sarcastic remark
that didn't have anything to do with what he was
saying.

His tone of voice said to her...(in her mind)

"I don't respect you"
"You are stupid"
"You just don't get this"

And any connection would be all over between
the two of us.

You can guess that after Susie came back with
a sarcastic, superior remark, Otto would really
get angry.

And so it went until we figured out how to stop
pushing each other's buttons in this way.

Does any of this sound even a little bit familiar
to you?

We're betting that even though you may not
have this particular way of pushing each other's
buttons, you have ways that are equally deadly
to your relationship. Maybe it's not the tone of voice you use with
each other but it might be what's NOT said
and what you imagine is happening.

Maybe it's that almost everything you say to
one another ends up being fodder for a fight.
Maybe it's that you've grown apart and you
desperately want to do something to bring
the two of you back together but everything
you try turns out wrong--and you're growing
further apart.

But...
Here's the thing about triggers...
No matter what triggers you and what triggers
your partner, you can change how you relate
to one another and how you deal with the
conflict so that it is no longer a big problem
for you in your relationship.
So, what did we do about this particular "button-
pushing" dynamic?
Susie learned to stop herself from putting a
particular meaning (her story about what
Otto's tone of voice meant) on what he was
saying--and listen instead to his words.
Here are the steps she used and you can
use also when you're triggered about
something your partner says or does...
1. Notice that you've been triggered and
acknowledge it to yourself that you've been
grabbed by something.
2. Notice what story you're telling yourself
at that moment. In Susie's case, it was
"Otto thinks I'm stupid and he doesn't
respect me."
The truth is that she didn't know what
he was thinking in that moment or what his
particular tone of voice meant.
(It might have meant that he was frustrated
and not with Susie--which was usually what it
turned out to be.)
3. Stop yourself from reacting in your old,
familiar way. If you say something back that's
sarcastic or you completely withdraw and
close down from your partner, notice that
that's what you want to do but DON'T DO
IT.
We know that it takes a lot of courage to
stop doing what's become automatic--but
know that with a little practice you can do
it.
4. Change your story and listen to your
partner.
Susie's new story is that Otto's may not
be angry with her and she'll just listen to
what he has to say.
You can change your story by just looking
at whatever else could be just as true in
this situation and telling yourself that story.
Otto used a similar process as well.
 
These steps are how we started unraveling
our particular "button-pushing" dance that
could have left a lot of unresolved conflict
between us.
And this unresolved conflict could have
destroyed the closeness, connection and
passion that we so love about our relationship.

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You Can Be In Love for Life

It has always been the fantasy. To meet the man or woman of your dreams and to live blissfully together until death do you part. Problem is that half of all marriages end in divorce. And yes, I know that according to some, this particular statistic isn't all that accurate, but the truth is that breaking up is, at best, a painful process, and most of us have had more experience with it than we care to remember.

It has been known for a very long time that those in healthy marriages or long-term relationships have lower mortality rates and better immune systems, and now scientists are attributing lower stress levels to those fortunate enough to be in loving committed relationships. So who wouldn't want love with benefits like a longer life and soul-warming affection?

Well, once you've had a bad relationship, no matter how it ended, getting back in the saddle can be as daunting as auditioning for American Idol. But you can't win if you don't play, and going about finding a mate half-heartedly will only get you half a love. Should you decide to jump in again, here's some great news.

According to an article on Match.com, a postdoctoral researcher at U.C. Santa Barbara, Bianca Acevedo, discovered through the use of surveys and brain scans that even after 20 years of togetherness, about 30 percent of married couples stay "in love." Another survey said that 18 percent of couples were still "very intensely in love" after 10 years or more.

This blows away the previous studies that say most people only stay in love for six months to three years, long enough to bear a child. I never really bought into that one. Even after a very difficult time, couples who work at it can put the love back into their relationships. To some, it comes as easily as realizing that they have become distant from their partners and making the decision to change it. Just remember that making this happen takes both effort and desire.

For love to work, you have to believe in it. I know many couples on second and third marriages who say they are happier than they have ever been. Don't think that a false start or two makes you damaged goods. The truth is that you must have learned something, and chances are you won't make the same mistake again.

Being in love for life doesn't mean that you will stay with your high-school sweetheart. It means that at any time you can make the choice to change your situation and make your life one of love and support. No, you won't always be right and your mate won't laugh at all your jokes, but if you work to create true love, you will have something more precious than jewels. Ask anyone who has lost the love of their life: what they would trade to have that person back? If yours is still here, make it happen. If not, go find one. Life is too short to stand on the sidelines.

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Communication E-Course--DAY 6 - ‏Speak your truth as soon as you know it

Have you seen those big "dust bunnies" that form under 
your bed or any other place in your house that somehow 
get missed by that weekly sweep of the dust mop? The 
formation of "dust bunnies" can be very similar to how 
it is in your relationships when you keep your emotions 
and your truth from the people in your lives.

There are many reasons we allow "dust" to collect in our 
relationships and fear is always at the bottom. One of 
the biggest reasons is we don't want to "rock the boat" or 
shake the status quo by saying what is true for us. 
Although the present situation may not be the best, we 
fear that revealing how we really feel will make it worse. 

What we secretly fear is that our relationship will be 
torn apart by saying what we feel and sharing what's 
important to us.

Most of us don't realize that there can't be a true 
connection with another person without expression of 
truth. What is not expressed to the other person usually 
eventually comes up, in ways that are far more damaging to 
the relationship.

People somehow believe they are being loving when they 
withhold perceived unpleasant information from their 
partner. Not being forthcoming with your feelings is 
living with a lie and can ultimately create a separation 
between the two of you. 

Not speaking your truth as soon as you know it can create 
more problems than you realize because it leads to what 
we call "the Big 3."

These are: Assumptions, Resentments and Guilt. If you 
allow assumptions, resentments and guilt to get out of 
control, you become disconnected from other people which 
leads to emotional or physical separation. 

The reason we make assumptions is that we don't know what 
the people in our lives are thinking, feeling or what's 
important to them. Either they haven't shared their thoughts 
with us or we haven't asked, or maybe both.

Resentments build when we become angry and continue to hold 
onto the anger. As a result, one or both people do not 
speak what they are feeling and their needs are not being 
met.

Guilt becomes a big issue in relationships because we end 
up spending a great deal of emotional energy on "I should 
have told a truth" or something else that is important in 
the relationship. Guilt comes because of "shoulds."

Both of us have had challenges with speaking our truth and 
have had to learn to trust each other in order to open up. 

We've discovered that when you do this in relationships, 
you no longer make assumptions because you know that 
honest communication will prevent any 'dust' from 
accumulating between you. Having the courage to share 
what might tear the relationship apart is very empowering 
and can even be liberating.

So whether you find it difficult to speak your truth because 
you fear hurting your partner, making assumptions about 
your partner, or upsetting or possibly ending your 
relationship, we challenge you to contact your higher 
wisdom now to find out what is holding you back from 
authentic communication.

*********************************
1) What is the single biggest fear that you have in 
speaking your truth in your relationships?



2) What intention or agreement can you make with 
yourself or with your partner concerning speaking your 
truth?



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TIPS for speaking your truth
1) Practice the TIPS for feeling your feelings.

2) If you have difficulty feeling your feelings in the 
moment, you may need to give each other space to discover 
those feelings. When this happens to one of us, we always 
set a time when we will discuss the issue again.

3) If you have problems speaking your truth, start 
small. Start with something that is inconsequential like 
choosing a restaurant for a dinner out instead of agreeing 
to go wherever your partner wants to go.

4) Ask for your partner's attention when you want to 
speak, if that's a problem. Turn off the television and 
find a quiet spot.

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The psychology of relationships: What is Symbiosis?

Symbiosis is a concept which helps to explain one type of unhealthy relationship. The term symbiosis comes from biology, where it is used to describe two organisms working together for mutual benefit and, in the process, acting as one. 

The classical example of symbiosis is lichens, "plants" which grow on rocks or tree trunks. They build flat and often round colonies on bare stones, sometimes in beautiful colors like bright yellow or orange. Sometimes one can see them hanging off tree branches like beards. Lichens are "double-organisms". One part of them is an algae, which can produce food through photosynthesis. However, it needs water to live and it wouldn't survive living on bare, exposed rock. The other part of a lichen is a fungus. It can't produce food, because fungi can't photosynthesize, but it is very tough and can protect the algae from dehydration and other environmental dangers. The two organisms work as one and need each other to survive.

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Psychologically, we use the term symbiosis in a similar way to describe a relationship where two people function as one. However, in contrast to the biological term, it refers to a relationship pattern which is not healthy, since a couple is existentially two separate people who need to be separate for both of them to be able to express their individuality and different needs.

Picture two people. Both of them have three ego states, a parent ego state, an adult ego state and a child ego state. A healthy relationship can be described as one where both people can use all their ego states to relate to the other person. This means there is flexibility in the relationship. One person might be looking after the other for a while using their parent ego state while the other receives the care from a child ego state place. Then they go on to talk about daily routines, both using their adult ego states. And in the end, when matters are clarified, they might go on to play with each other, both accessing their child ego states.

In a relationship with a symbiotic pattern, both people use only some of their ego states to relate to each other, resulting in less flexibility. It's as if both partners take on stable roles and don't come out of them again. In symbiosis, two people function as if they only had one set of ego states between them. For example, person A might use their parent ego state and adult ego state to relate to person B, who mostly uses his or her child ego state to relate to A. Between them they only have one parent, one adult and one child ego state that is activated. This results in stable roles of A being the "carer" or the "responsible one", and B gets to be looked after. The same pattern will also result in a power differential between both partners. A gets to say what will happen, and B consents and follows. Or there might be a pattern , where B normally gets his or her way by using child-like tactics such as emotional blackmail or tantrums.

Both partners lose out in this pattern. Person A often gets power and can feel needed (for some people that will be part of their script), but they will miss out on being looked after or looking after themselves properly, because they don't access their child ego state and don't go with what they need and want for themselves. Person A might also not get a lot of time to play, but might always feel responsible for what is going on. Person B will get looked after, but that can also be experienced as belittling and not allowing person B to own their own power and competency. Person B doesn't access his or her adult and parent ego states and stays in a place of passive dependency.

The symbiotic pattern results in the classical set-up of a rescuer or caretaker and a needy and dependent partner in a relationship. It doesn't allow for flexibility or equality and it limits both partners in their freedom to be themselves.

However, both partners may have an investment in keeping the symbiosis going. Symbiotic relationships can be extremely stable and feel like they are very close, because they don't allow for difference. The roles are very predictable and therefore might feel very safe. Both partners know what's expected of them. Also, the roles in the symbiosis are learned in childhood. Person A might have started to be an emotional carer for his or her parents, when he or she was still a small child. Staying with this role as an adult allows him or her to stay within their script. The same is true for person B. He or she might have learned that it's best to stay little and not take responsibility or want his or her own way and staying within this role in an adult relationship means they don't have to change and look at themselves.

The way out of symbiosis starts when you look at what your investment in it is. Do you need to be needed? Do you need to be in control to feel safe (like person A)? Or do you get scared of being yourself or going out into the world? Or you may still have a lot of longing for being a child left over from your childhood and instead of facing the grief over your lost childhood you might opt for becoming the dependent person in an adult relationship (like person B). Remember that both people miss out on some of their innate capacities: person A on looking after themselves and going for what's good for them, and person B on their own power and competence. Whichever role you tend to go for, start owning what you are missing out on. Person A needs to accept that they are only emotionally responsible for themselves, like any other adult in this world. This may bring up a lot of issues for them, for example if being needed covers up a fear of being abandoned or a sense of not being good enough for the other person to stay around if they aren't looking after them. Person B needs to own and express their knowledge, competence and power in the world. He or she needs to take responsibility for their own emotional and physical well being.

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