How can I go on after the breakup?

After a breakup or divorce, thoughts like these may cross
your mind once-- or many, many times: 
 
"I don't know how I will go on without her." 
 
"How will I ever make it without him in my life?" 
 
Especially if the breakup was not your idea, you may be
having a difficult time grappling with the prospect of
living life without the relationship that just ended.  

Where you sit right now, it might seem nearly impossible 
for you to go on without the man or woman you used to 
(and maybe still do) love. 
 
Even if you agree that ending the relationship is truly for
the best and even if breaking up has brought some relief,
you might also worry about how you will make it on your 
own.

For some people, the idea of being alone is scary and makes
them feel vulnerable.  
 
This might relate to caring for a house primarily by
yourself, becoming a single parent, providing financially
for yourself and children and it might also relate to eating
meals alone, going through special occasions or holidays 
and sleeping by yourself at night. 
 
No matter how much sense it might make that you and your 
ex go your separate ways, adjusting to life without this
person, can appear to leave a big hole. 
 
It is understandable that you might wonder how you will be
able to go on without your partner. 
 
 
In order to heal from the breakup or divorce, it's important
for you address any beliefs you might have that you will not
be able to cope or manage without your ex.  
 
At this moment in time, it might feel as if that is true.  
 
The healing happens when you recognize those beliefs and
feelings AND you also begin to deliberately remind yourself
that you can create a new life for yourself-- one that may
even be happy and filled with love again.  
 
Face up to the changes going on in your life. 
Facing up to a new and unwanted reality can be painful.  It
may be something you'd rather avoid or try to ignore.  
 
But until you really look at where you are right here and
now, you will continue to live in the hurt and grief
associated with the past.  
 
You might need to practice this.  
 
Speak honestly about being single again to those you meet.
Think about yourself in terms of where you are now-- a
single (or about to be single) person who is going through a
transitional period in his or her life. 
 
Try not to re-live the events of your breakup or even the
happier times with your ex as you speak and think about
where you are now. Of course, there will be times when it is
helpful for you to learn from the past and appreciate what
was good in that past-- but not right now. 
 
When you face up to the changes going on in your life in
this way, over time, you can begin to see them as less scary
and out of your control. 
 
You can start to look around at your life as it is right now
and see opportunities for healing and growth that you might
not have seen before.  
 
Open up to the possible positive aspects of these changes. 
The next step of this practice of looking at where you are
may not be easy for you, at first.  Give it a chance and
return more than once to this challenge we are about to
invite you to.
 
We encourage you to look at where you are right now,
including the changes in your life because of your breakup
or divorce, and search for just one positive result of those
changes. 
 
It might seem to be very small and insignificant.  
 
You might recognize that now you can sleep in as late as you
want to on a Saturday morning.  

You may realize that you can try out a new diet because 
you are cooking for one now. 

You might simply appreciate the fact that you can leave the
toilet seat up (or down) all of the time. 
 
Perhaps you have discovered that you can pay your bills on
time with just your paycheck or that you can fix a leaky
faucet on your own. 
 
The idea here is to demonstrate to yourself that even in the
middle of the pain and heartache, there are a few things
that are positive and desirable that are also occurring. 
 
Remind yourself of what IS stable and what or whom you 
CAN depend on right now.

As important as it is for you to face up to the changes that
are happening in your life, it is also helpful and
bolstering to remember that not everything is in flux. 
 
There are most likely quite a few people who are there for
you.  Make a list of all of the people in your life upon
whom you might rely in some way.  
 
This may be something as minor as a neighbor who looks out
for your home when you're away for a weekend. 

It could be a friend who is always ready with wise words
and a hug. 

It might be that relative  who has been the stable presence in
your life since you were young. 
 
Know that these people are there for you-- if you call on
them.  Be specific in your request for support. Be willing
to receive.  
 
There are also undoubtedly situations in your life that are
not changing.  Even if it's the bus route you ride to work
or the way that the flowers in your garden bloom and grow,
pay attention to those things that are constants around you.

 
Look to them when you feel vulnerable and out of control for
re-grounding. 
 
As you face your current reality and look at where you are,
you will probably begin to see that there are some promising
things going on right here and right now.  Knowing this will
help you feel better and better every day. 
 

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5 ways to help you get over your breakup pain faster‏

We all talk to ourselves all of the time and this is what we calling
'self talk.' These thoughts come and go in our minds and they can
either help us go through life with relative ease or struggling at
every step of the way.

In our experience, this 'self talk' can either keep you stuck in the
past--mulling over what went wrong or what you should have done
differently--or stuck in the future--worrying about what might 
happen at some point down the road.

Or 'self talk' can help you to stay in the present moment, dealing
practically with what's happening right now, and move powerfully and
positively into your future.

One of the best kept secrets is that you can change your thoughts.
Believe it or not, many people learn how to do it.

Here are 5 ways to change 'self talk' to help you ease your pain 
from your breakup or divorce...

1. Become aware of what you are telling yourself.
Believe it or not, our thoughts are habits that we've created along 
the way. For instance, there's the "guilt" set of thoughts, the
"worry" set of thoughts, the "fear" set of thoughts, the "I'm always
going to be alone" set of thoughts, the "nothing's wrong" set of
thoughts or the "sunny outlook" set of thoughts--you get the idea.

If you want to begin healing your pain, start paying attention to
your particular set of thoughts. You might even give them a name.
Maybe you've not had these thoughts until your breakup or maybe
they've been with you for a long time. Whichever is the case, just
begin noticing what thoughts roll through your mind.

2. Once you have become aware of your thoughts, decide the thoughts
that make you feel better, easier about your situation and those
that don't. Take a legal pad or notebook and at the top of the page, 
make 2 columns with these headings: "Feel better" and "Feel Worse."

Keep the legal pad or notebook where you can easily reach it. As
thoughts come to you, write them down under one of those two
categories. Do this long enough for you to see on paper, your
patterns of thinking that are either helping you or pulling you
down.

3. Identify one reoccurring thought or pattern that is bringing you 
pain and make the commitment to yourself to change it. Write your
commitment down and post it where you'll see it often. 

It could go something like this...

"I commit to changing my thoughts about how alone I am right now. 
I may not be with a partner right now but I don't have to constantly
remind myself."

4. Chose a thought that is better.
Taking our example, this thought is probably not going to be that
you are completely joyful, are with your perfect partner, or feel
completely satisfied with your current situation. It may be that
a better thought is that when a thought comes up about how alone
you are, you change that thought to "I can call my friend ______ and
either talk with them or arrange to go to dinner or a movie."

5. Practice in each moment and break your habit.
Have you ever broken a habit? It takes being aware of what you are
doing and then making a change in the moment. Your thought pattern 
is a habit and can be changed--but you have to believe the thought
that you are changing to--and you have to practice it.

If feeling better is important to you, this is valuable information
that will help you to move forward in your healing process from
your breakup or divorce. 

Read more »

A celebration of passion, spark, and connection can stay alive and grow deeper through years of being together

The spark doesn't have to die whether
you've been together 5 minutes or 50
years. 

Here are a few ideas we've learned along
the way that help us stay deeply connected...

1. Find ways to focus on what you like about
your partner instead of what you don't like.

You know the saying, "You get what you
focus on in life"?

Well it's certainly true when it comes to
your relationship.

Finding the "juice" and milking it for all it's
worth (while not ignoring something that's 
so in your face that you need to take some 
action) is what it's about.

*You can focus on a part of your partner's
body that you absolutely love.

*You can focus on ways your partner loves
you instead of ways he/she doesn't.

*You can focus on being present with what
you're enjoying in the moment with your
partner instead of what happened in the
past or fears of what could happen in the
future.

2. Practice coming toward one another.

We were at a gathering with friends this
past weekend and during the evening, the 
two of us briefly danced together.

One of our friends remarked that he really
enjoyed seeing the way the two of us looked 
in each other's eyes and how the love poured
out--as we were dancing.

We make a practice of connecting even in
large groups of people and it can be something
simple like making eye contact from across
the room, a touch on the arm as we pass
each other or an embrace as we dance
together.

Believe us when we say that it can make all
the difference in the world in your relationship!

This practice of coming toward one another--
whether the two of you are at home alone, your 
kids are in the house with you or you're with 
other people--is an intimate moment that you're 
telling each other how much your relationship 
means to you.

It's a way to celebrate your love, every day
instead of just on special occasions.

3. Learn how to stay open to listening and
speaking your truth--even when it's uncomfortable
to do it.

Many of peopl have told us that
communication is your biggest challenge--and
we certainly know that can be true because
we've experienced our own challenges with it.

But we've also learned a few things about staying
open to each other when we disagree and want
to close down our hearts to one another.

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5 signs he isn't over his ex

When you are in a new relationship, it’s natural to wonder about the ex. Does he think about her? If so, how much and is he really over her? These are questions that plague many women.

Perhaps you’d like to know whether or not the ex is still on his mind. There are signs you can look for, that may tell you whether or not he is really over that relationship. Below are a few that will help you in your quest to find out.

He talks about her frequently

This usually means one of two things. Either he is not over her or he isn’t over something that happened between them. Pay attention to how he talks about her. If he does so lovingly, this may be cause for concern. If, on the other hand, her name often comes up when the two of you are talking about a particular issue or situation, chances are he isn’t over what ended the relationship.

If he speaks of her with anger or derision, be wary. The opposite of love is apathy, not hate. If his ex or something she did is still bothering him, he is clearly not over it.

He is still in communication with her

Sometimes it is possible to remain friends with an ex without it being awkward or lines getting blurred. This usually occurs either when the two of them have known one another for a very long time and were friends to begin with, or when the relationship they had was more of a friendship than a romantic endeavour.

Most couples that break up don’t remain friends, so this further communication could most definitely signify a lingering attachment.

He still sees her – and lies to you about it

A huge red flag is if you find out that he is still in contact with or sees her – but doesn't tell you about it. If he is keeping this from you, he obviously feels guilty about it and that is not a good sign.

He accidentally called you by her name

This is a definite sign he was, at the very least thinking of her. It could also mean he is still in contact with her as well. If it happens once, you may be able to blow it off, provided it doesn’t occur in the middle of a romantic situation, but if it occurs more frequently than that, this may pose a problem.

He keeps items that remind him of his ex

While it is common to keep a few things given to you by the ex, holding onto every gift ever given, photographs and text messages could signify an attachment. If he is unwilling to part with things she gave him, you should discuss it to find out why. Also, one or two items may be okay, but several could mean trouble.

The signs listed above could indicate he’s still not over her. Pay attention and approach it with an open mind. Do not make assumptions just because you suspect a few of these signs are present. Instead, take the time to examine all the options.

Your gut instinct will tell you whether or not a real issue is at hand – and in this case the best way to deal with it is to discuss with him honestly, and without being accusing, why you find it hurtful or disrespectful that she’s still a big part of his life.

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Do's and Don'ts When Communicating with Your Workaholic Partner

Ellen's husband is a workaholic. Before their relationship became serious, she often admired how goal-oriented and driven he was. As their commitment to one another grew stronger and they eventually married, what Ellen previously saw as a character strength turned into something annoying and hurtful.

After almost two decades of marriage, Ellen has grown used to being very flexible. Changing plans at the last minute and making apologies to others for her husband's absence has become commonplace. She appreciates the abundant salary that her husband brings in and she is happy that he enjoys his work.

Ellen only wishes that her husband was as intense and focused on their marriage as he is on his career. She feels lonely and resentful more often than she likes to admit.

In these days where businesses are trying to do more with less, putting in extra time at work happens a lot. Couples find themselves planning date nights and time together far in advance just because their schedules-- both work and family responsibilities-- have become so full.

Some people take putting in that extra effort at the office to a compulsive level. These people are workaholics. There are certainly varying degrees of workaholic behavior and some really need the help of a professional counselor or therapist.

In general, a workaholic is defined as someone who has an "unrelenting" and "compulsive" desire to work.

If your partner seems to you to be a workaholic, you may already have experienced tension in your relationship when you have tried to talk with him or her about this. Perhaps you've used different tactics and brought up the subject of your mate's work habits in less direct ways.

But, still you encountered defensiveness and maybe even hostility from your partner.

The way that you communicate what you want and what you'd like to change about your love relationship or marriage is crucial. You can essentially say the same thing but have drastically different results depending on how you say it.

Remember these Dos and Don'ts as you talk with your workaholic mate... 

Do be honest. 
The time for claiming to be "fine" when you really aren't is over.  As much as you don't want to make your partner angry, you lying about how you truly feel when he or she cancels your date (for the umpteenth time) is not going to help your relationship.

Being honest doesn't necessarily mean that you're going to pick a fight with your partner or that you're going to try to guilt trip or manipulate him or her either. It's about being real and authentic about this situation and your experience of it.

Don't assume that you know why your partner is a workaholic. 
You might have a good idea about why your mate seems to compulsively work. Maybe he or she has a low self esteem or had a traumatic childhood and you believe that there is a link between the workaholic tendencies and these things.

You might be accurate and you might not be.

If you are interested in why your partner works as incessantly as he or she does, find ways to ask. When you two are alone and talking, you might ask your mate something like this: "Please help me understand why you work as many hours as you do...." or "I want to understand why you work so much..."

Whatever you choose to say, make sure that you truly do want to better understand. Really listen to what your partner says in response.

Do focus on how you feel and what you want. 
Again, being honest is really important. You might not be able to force your partner to stop working so many hours or to keep your dates, but you can let him or her know that you have feelings and preferences too.

Keep your words focused on how YOU feel. Instead of saying something like, "You don't want to be with me," try "I feel sad and lonely when we don't have regular connecting time every day." 

Resist the urge to assume that you know how your partner feels or what motivates him or her to work so much. Instead, be clear about how you feel and make requests to help bring some positive changes.

Do be flexible AND honor your boundaries.
It is important to be flexible in a relationship because there are often times when negotiation and patience are required. At the same time, it's essential that you honor your boundaries and needs.

You might not have a choice when your mate calls to tell you that he or she will be working late even though you two have tickets to a concert that night. If your partner has made the decision to stay late and work instead of go to the concert, you have the power to be honest about your feelings AND you can decide what you will do.

Maybe you'll decide to invite a friend to go with you to the concert instead. Perhaps there's a way to switch the tickets to a different night.

Give yourself the space to be flexible when it feels okay to you to do so and also to honor your boundaries and make the choice to do what you want to do given the situation you're in.

Don't issue an ultimatum-- unless you are willing to follow through. 
It can be tempting to issue an ultimatum to your workaholic partner. It can be frustrating and upsetting when you're honest about how you feel and try to set boundaries or create agreements and nothing seems to bring the change you want.

The only time that ultimatums are effective are when you are 100% willing to follow through with your threat. If you set before your partner the choice of his or her work OR you, it's possible that your partner will choose work.

You might be ready to make the choice to end the relationship is significant changes don't happen-- there's nothing wrong with this.  Just be sure that you are making the decision about what's best for you in the long-term and the short-term in advance of communicating. 

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Can You Truly "Be Friends" With Your Ex?

When a couple ends their love relationship or marriage, in the majority of cases, both people want it to be an amicable break up.  Quite often, the two will promise to be "friends" as they make the transition to single life.

We're completely in support of there being as much respect and kindness as possible during and after a relationship break up.  However, many times the desire to stay friends and maintain a strong friendship with one's ex causes all kinds of problems.

While it is absolutely possible to be friends-- even good friends-- with your ex, this needs to happen with a lot of clarity, honesty and consciousness.

Take Jim and Candace for example...

When Jim and Candace got divorced, they were so intent on making the changes easy for their kids, they pledged to be friends no matter what. They promised one another that-- for the sake of their children's happiness-- they would continue to make one another a top priority, they would all spend regular time together as a family and they would always "be there" for each other.

This seemed to be working out well, until Jim started dating again.  He still had dinner with Candace and the kids a few times a week. He still e-mailed and texted with Candace-- about the kids and other topics too-- at least once a day. And, Jim willingly continued to be the first person that Candace turned to with a problem.

As you might guess, when Jim's girlfriend saw how involved he continued to be with Candace, she felt jealous. Even though Candace was outwardly supportive of Jim's new love relationship, inside she was devastated. Candace felt betrayed and hurt, regardless of how supportive she was trying to be when she talked with Jim.

Jim felt torn and unhappy about the whole situation.

Can you be friends with your ex?

Yes!

Is it always wise or in your best interests to be friends with your
ex?

Not necessarily.

Know your motives. 
Before you promise your soon-to-be ex that you two will "always be friends," stop. Before you continue to be best buddies with your ex, stop. Take some time to examine your own motives.

When you're completely honest with yourself, are you only agreeing to be friends with your ex because you are holding out hope that one day the two of you will reunite?

Are you saying "yes" to a friendship with him or her not because you really want to, but because you feel like this is letting your ex down easier?

Are agreeing to be friends as a way to feel safer, less lonely or to have someone to help you take care of your home or other responsibilities?

There are all kinds of motivations that might be compelling you to be friends with your ex. It is understandable that you might want certain roles that he or she used to play continue. It is also understandable that you might want to keep some level of interaction alive-- even if it is not what it used to be (or what you really want).

You're not wrong for wanting to be friends- or even more than friends-- with your ex. After all, you have most likely shared quite a bit of life and yourself with this person. It makes sense that you may wish to hold on to that connection in whatever form you possibly can.

What we're urging you to do is to recognize the reasons why you want to be friends with your ex. Remember, being kind, considerate and respectful are not necessarily the same thing as being friends.

Being friends with someone almost always involves a level of commitment and emotional intimacy. Being kind, considerate and respectful can make interactions with another person more pleasant and peaceful.

If you're starting to see that your motivations are leading you toward heartbreak, bitterness or resentment, remind yourself of this important difference.

Allow space for healing. 
Even if after considering your motivations you do decide that remaining friends with your ex is wise and appealing to you, take some time for just yourself and your healing. It's vital that you give yourself space to start the healing process and to adjust to the transitions taking place in your life.

It's just about impossible to wake up one day married or as lovers and then the next day declare-- and really believe it-- that you're just friends.

Deliberately widen your pool of support people. Re-connect with friends and family members who can possibly be there for you when you need a hug, advice, help with a clogged drain or other things that your ex used to do for you.

Make completions with your past relationship and grieve for its ending if that's how you feel. Take the time to really listen to how you feel and give yourself what you need.

Shift your expectations and create a new friend relationship, if you choose.
Be clear with yourself and with your ex about your new friendship.  Let him or her know what being friends means to you and then follow through with what you've stated.

If you feel jealous of your ex's new partner or you are annoyed when he or she doesn't call or e-mail you as much as you'd like, this is a signal for you to once again explore your motives. Acknowledge your feelings and re-visit the question of how healthy maintaining this level of friendship or interaction is for you.

Again, remind yourself that your ex is not the only person in your life who can be a source of support, companionship, fun and love. If you're having a difficult time thinking of anyone else who can do this, challenge yourself. Open up to new friendships with others and to deeper connections with the people you already know. 

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Create Agreements that Will Make Life with Your Woman Easier...and Sexier Too!

 Stephen is trying to be patient with his wife, but it's been tough lately. It seems like sarcasm, snide comments and full-blown arguments are happening more and more frequently. 

The tension that's coming between Stephen and his wife revolves around money issues. A couple of years ago, Stephen started his own business. He is really enjoying the challenge and has had some successes along the way, but the business is still not solid and profitable yet.

Stephen is convinced that, given a little more time, his business will be highly lucrative for him and his family too. His wife is not so sure.

She is stressed out most of the time and pours over the numbers for the household and his business everyday. She wants him to look for what she calls a "real job."

They can't seem to find any semblance of agreement on this and the tension has spilled over into the bedroom too. Stephen can't remember the last time that he and his wife made love with one another-- or laughed together either.

In any love relationship or marriage, there can come a time when you and your partner face an issue that you simply don't see eye-to-eye about. You might each work very hard to convince the other how much sense your position is, but this only seems to solidify the opposition.

For you and your woman, the issue that seems to be driving a wedge between you might be money. Or, it could be something else like flirting, jealousy, lying, intimacy, sex or decisions involving your kids.

In many cases, it really matters less what the actual issue is than the way that this disagreement seems to be intensifying and tearing you two apart.

One way to bring some ease to a difficult and contentious situation is to create agreements about it.

The agreement that you reach and follow can lessen the tension and help you both know what you each expect in regard to this tricky topic. The process of creating the agreement can be a way that you two start to move closer together again as you both share and listen and try to understand one another's positions.

As you probably already know, frequent arguing, bickering and stress can be a big turn off. Your woman may be less in the mood to make love with you when there is an unresolved issue.

On the other hand, when you create an agreement and find some level of resolution about the issue, you're both most likely going to be more open to sex.

Creating agreements that are clear, fair and follow-able are a great way to move closer to not only a resolution about this difficult issue, but also to most closer to one another.

Propose clear and specific agreements.
Come to a conversation about this topic with your woman with a clear idea of what you really want. Too often, things can become muddy or distracted when either or both people are triggered and already upset.

You could suggest to your partner that you two create an agreement and then start things off with a proposal that addresses your priorities and core desire. Be open-- and let her know that you are open-- to modifications to this proposal.

Stephen, for example, sits down with his wife and proposes that they give his business another 9 months to grow. He suggests that at the end of the 9 months, they sit down together and assess whether this is something that is feasible to continue.

Be aware if you lay out your suggested agreement as more of an ultimatum or demand. This is NOT what we're going for. Demanding that your partner do things "your way" is very different from an agreement.

There might be a time when you feel so strongly about your position that you are willing to literally leave if things do not change the way you want them to. One example of this may be if your woman is having an affair and you are ready to end the relationship if she doesn't stop the cheating.

An agreement, on the other hand, is collaborative, flexible and a way to re-connect with your partner.

Incorporate her ideas too. 
After you've proposed the agreement that you had in mind, now it's your woman's turn to contribute. Remind yourself that giving her the space to fully consider what you've suggested and then really listening to what she wants is NOT going to undermine your priorities and what you want.

Don't interrupt her and don't reject her contributions to the agreement as she states them.

Take the time to feel into yourself.  What are the changes, additions or deletions to your proposal that you are most willing to accept? What exactly don't you like about
her specific ideas that you feel resistant to?

Ideally, creating an agreement is a process that is done over the course of a few (more or less) conversations. Give yourselves the time to really understand what each wants and also the time to be clear about why you are open to some things and closed to others.

Set up an agreement that you BOTH will actually follow and feel good
about.
When your ideas and your woman's ideas overlap-- or come close to it-- make that part of your agreement. It can provide positive momentum when you notice and appreciate these places of alignment-- even if they seem small or less significant.

Build on that momentum and come up with some kind of agreement that you both can reasonably follow and feel okay about too.

The long-term success of an agreement is in its being created in an environment of honesty and openness. When you do your best to keep it honest, open and collaborative, you're more likely to feel closer to your woman in the process. 

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Is it Possible to "Agree to Disagree" with Your Partner and Stay Connected?

We've all been there.

You and someone you care deeply about just don't see eye to eye about a particular issue. You may debate with one another and even argue in favor of your perspective, but to no avail.

You and this special someone in your life finally decide to "agree to disagree" about this topic.

It's usually far easier to "agree to disagree" with an extended family member, a friend or a co-worker. After all, quite often you don't live with these people and there is some amount of distance between you that makes this kind of a pseudo-resolution work.

But when you and your partner in a love relationship or marriage have reached the point that neither of you is willing to budge and the only thing you can do is "agree to disagree," disconnection can result.

While it's true you cannot force your mate to believe that your perspective is better and it's inadvisable to simply go along with your partner's plan to "keep the peace," you do need to find a way to communicate about this tricky topic and keep your connection strong.

With an open heart and a willingness to listen, you may find that you and your partner don't have to see eye to eye about everything and you can still stay close.

Joe and Brandy have been through this discussion before and, yet again, it's ended up in a stalemate. Joe thinks that it's time their teenage son start learning to drive.

Although their son is only 14, Joe wants to begin teaching him how to drive-- starting out in parking lots or on rural roads.

Brandy is staunchly against this idea. She's read the statistics of how many teen boys get into car accidents and she would rather their son wait until he's 18 to drive, not 14.

Brandy is willing to consider driving lessons for their son when he's 16, but not a day
sooner!

After going round and round about this, Joe and Brandy have decided to "agree to disagree." The problem is, Joe is beginning to think that he and their son will have to sneak these driving lessons that Joe feels strongly about if they're ever going to happen.

Get to the heart of the matter. 
Whatever it is that you and your partner have "agreed to disagree" about, take some time to get a deeper look at the issue for you. If you feel so strongly about this that you are willing to dig in your heels, it is probably a hot button issue for you!

When you think about this topic, what are your dominant thoughts and feelings? Does this situation remind you of anything that happened in your past?

You might want to write down the observations you make about your thoughts, feelings and recalled memories. These can help you get a better grasp of the dimensions of this issue.

When Brandy takes a deeper look at the question of their son learning to drive at the age of 14, she feels a preponderance of fear. She is fearful about her son getting hurt or hurting others accidentally.

She also realizes that she is fearful and sad about her son getting older and more independent.

Brandy can now see that a part of her wants to delay his growing up as much as she can. While she feels a bit embarrassed by this realization, it is helps Brandy get clearer about her position on the matter.

Don't make it about winning or losing. 
Sometimes when a couple gets stuck in a disagreement, one or both of them is attached to the idea of "winning" the discussion. Although this might not be the conscious thought, it is the compulsion all the same.

Inwardly and honestly reflect on your motivations. If you are wanting to "win" about this disagreement, acknowledge that to yourself.

Simply admitting that you are feeling competitive, defensive or prideful can help you to ease up. You can then begin to re-focus on the actual issue at hand.

If one or both of you is feeling powerless in some way in your relationship, you might feel compelled to "win." Ask yourself what you need in order to feel more powerful and then set aside a separate time when you can make requests of your partner that can help you.

It might also be that you don't feel powerful in your life in general. See what changes you can make in how you view yourself, your abilities and your life in order to make a shift and improve how you are feeling.

Open up to better understand. 
Keep yourself as open as you can when you are communicating with your mate about this topic upon which you two have "agreed to disagree."

This will probably require you to do the inner work we've suggested above so that when you talk about the issue, you are really able to hone in on it.

Joe has realized that "winning" with Brandy-- especially about this topic-- is very important to him. Joe feels like Brandy has lead the way in parenting their children over the years and he'd like to step up and take control in this area.

Remembering the special times he had with his father when he learned how to drive as a teen, Joe wants to create new memories with his own son.

As Joe realizes his deeper feelings about all of this, he is able to loosen up around his position somewhat.

When Joe and Brandy sit down again, they are both feeling less intense about each of their "sides" and they can stay open to truly listen to one another. They feel more confident that they can come up with a resolution and decision that both of them can feel good about.

As you listen to understand your partner and how he or she feels about this particular topic, you won't necessarily come away with a changed mind-- neither will your mate.

What can be different is that you and your partner will each feel listened to and probably better understood. You might realize that what your mate is asking for or suggesting is an idea that has some merit after all.

From this point of feeling heard and better understood, the two of you can make choices while also moving closer together. 

Read more »

Can You Truly Just "Have Fun"?

It's the classic dating situation: Two people meet. They are attracted to one another and begin to spend time together. The continue to spend time together and become intimate.

One person makes it clear that he or she just wants to "have fun" and does not want a relationship or to get serious. As time passes, however, confusion, disagreement and possible pain about this "non-relationship" grows.

So, is it possible to just "have fun" together?

Of course it is. When two people have an agreement that they are both wanting to be casual about their interactions with one another, it can be fun and enjoyable.

This, however, is not a committed relationship.

We certainly hope that there is fun and enjoyment in love relationships and marriages, but there are also other elements that the casual dating experience does not usually include.

Let's back up a bit...

There are many people who simply don't want to be in a love relationship.

They may have had painful experiences in past relationships and still feel too vulnerable and wounded to jump back into another one now, or ever. They may hold beliefs that they will lose independence and a sense of control over their lives if they enter into a committed relationship.

Or, perhaps, they are clear within themselves that they do not want that kind of depth and level of involvement with another person right now.

None of these reasons are wrong.

It gets tricky, however, when a person who is not wanting to be in a relationship does want to date and possibly be sexually intimate with other people.

Upon first getting together, it might seem acceptable to the other person to just "have fun." But attachments can happen over time.  Feelings can deepen and grow.

The person who was initially okay with a non-relationship dating arrangement might find him or herself wanting more.

When both people do not want more at the same time, the fun quickly drains away leaving mainly hurt feelings and upset.

Make agreements with yourself. 
We understand that when you are first getting to know another person to whom you are attracted, neither of you really knows if this will turn into a love relationship or not.

At that first date, asking the other person to make relationship commitments to you is probably not a wise idea-- nor is it probably one that you would choose.

You are learning more about this person; you probably don't want to force things or end up in a relationship with someone whom you aren't all that excited about after all.

We encourage you to make commitments and agreements with yourself.

• What is most important to you when it comes to this dating experience?
• How would you like to be treated by this new person in your life?
• Are there particular expectations that you have of him or her?
• If the two of you are sexually intimate, what kind of agreements will you make?

While it may be unclear to you (and to your date) whether or not you want to deepen your interactions and eventually be in a committed relationship together, you can become very clear within yourself about what you want.

For example, if you truly are wanting to be in a committed relationship in the near future, be honest with yourself about that.  Whether it's this person or another, if this is what you really want, admit it to yourself.

Communicate as you go along. 
Keep the lines of communication open and honest as you are in this dating and "having fun" situation. Listen to what the other person is saying and ask yourself if this is acceptable to you at this time.

After a few months, you might want more. This is why continuing to talk is so important.

Again, we aren't suggesting that during the first weeks of dating, you corner this other person and try to get him or her to make a commitment to a relationship.

Yes, make agreements in the moment and make commitments that fit
where you are.

We also recommend that if your dating partner is clearly against being in a relationship and you would like to keep that open as a future possibility, be honest.

When you say okay to no relationship, that is also an agreement.

If you are amenable to a "no relationship" agreement, be sure that you continue to check in with yourself as the two of you spend more and more time together.

Be clear about what just "having fun" means to each of you in terms of dating other people and sexual intimacy.

Dating and attracting a love relationship can be difficult to do.  There are a lot of unknowns and many occasions for potential misunderstandings.

Keep the connection between you and you strong. Stay open and be honest about where you are and what you want. Above all, trust that you can have the kind of experience and relationships that you desire.

Read more »

How to Say "No" to Your Jealous Partner

Andy is sick and tired of coming home after a hard day at the office to his wife, Caroline's, incessant questions. Almost as soon as he enters their house, her probing inquiries begin.

"Who did you meet with today?"
"I don't know her. Is she someone you see often?"
"Where did you go for lunch this afternoon?"
"Did you eat alone?"
"When did you have lunch?"
"Why didn't you e-mail or text me to check in?"

After Andy attempts to answer Caroline's questions, he feels annoyed and defensive. Andy knows that Caroline had a painful past before they began dating. She has a lot from her childhood to deal with as well as a couple of bad relationships before they met.

At the same time, Andy is worn out and, frankly, done being patient with Caroline's daily interrogations that are fueled by her jealousy. He doesn't know what to do other than give in and answer each question or to abruptly demand space and walk away.

If you are with a jealous partner, you might relate to Andy's dilemma.

You may love and care very much about your partner and your relationship. You feel you have nothing to hide and have done nothing wrong, which is why his or her jealous behavior toward you is so frustrating!

Most of all, what you might want to do is to tell your mate that "No, I will not answer your jealous questions"...but you don't because you're worried about really setting him or her off.

We urge you not to give up on your love relationship or marriage if you truly want to be with your current partner. There are ways to communicate and set boundaries with your jealousy partner that can actually improve your relationship.

Do the advance work... 
There may be a pattern to when your partner is most obviously jealous. It could be when you two have been apart all day. Or, it might be when you are out together (or separately) socially.

Begin to pay attention to the situations and even the words that you use that seem to trigger a jealous reaction from your mate. Look for ways that you might be inadvertently triggering the jealous reaction.

Let's be clear here-- we are NOT saying that your partner's jealousy is your fault. We do want you to be aware of slight changes to your own habits that could ease this situation, however.

Take the time to ask yourself what you could differently-- without compromising what is important to you-- that might be less likely to trigger your mate.

One thing might be to interrupt an interrogation or accusation in progress and request that you two talk about this issue later, when you are not feeling defensive and when your partner can calm down and re-evaluate what he or she thinks is happening.

Allow your partner to own his or her jealousy...
As much as you'd like to "fix" or "solve" your mate's jealousy problem, you can't.

If you apply labels to your partner or try to figure out his or her jealousy habit and then expect your mate to be grateful to you for this, you're probably going to be disappointed.

What you CAN do is to be honest when you feel wrongly accused or that your privacy and space is being invaded. It's up to you how much transparency you are willing to provide to your jealous partner.

(If you've had an affair or broken trust, even if your partner is jealous it may be wise for you to be transparent.)

When your mate does take ownership for being jealous, be supportive and ask how you can work with him or her to help improve your relationship.

Say "No" and set boundaries with love and an invitation to connect...
When you set a boundary with your jealous partner, do so with love and be clear that it is your intention to connect, even though you are essentially saying "No" to the jealous habit.

If you are tired of being asked to account for what you did and who you were with every second of every day, think about how you could say "No" to this request for information with kindness.

For example, you might say, "I am not going to answer your questions right now. I love you and I will share with you about my day after I have had a chance to relax and unwind."

You could also say something like, "I feel annoyed and accused when you greet me at the door with questions like this. I would love to hear how your day was and also let you know how my day was as a way to connect with one another. Will you make a shift and talk with me in this different way?"

Saying "No" to a jealous partner does not have to mean more distance and disconnection between the two of you. In fact, when you communicate your boundaries with a sense of honesty, openness and love, you can help support your partner as he or she overcomes jealousy. 

Read more »

Passionate Heart Relationship Mini-Course‏ - DAY 5 FINAL

What it takes to succeed in creating a great relationship is...

The commitment to not run away and hide when things get tough.

One of the things we learned very early in our relationship was that
we each had a tendency in our previous relationships to shut down
emotionally and even physically run away when things got tough.  
Because we recognized that this pattern can create big problems in
relationships, we made the commitment to each other that we would not
make the same mistake in our relationship.

We committed that we would stay present with each other and not run
away, either emotionally or physically.  Sounds like a great
commitment but we've discovered that it can be a challenge to keep.

What we are sure of is that this principle of not running away has
made our relationship stronger, increased trust between us and has
helped to create the close, connected feeling that we have with each
other.

What does it take to not run away and hide when things get tough?

Here are some tips to help you and your partner if you choose to make
this commitment to each other:

1.    Find out what your patterns are when there's conflict between
the two of you or conflict with someone else.  What do you
immediately do?  Lash out in anger?  Put up walls between you and the
other person and pull all of your energy inside yourself?  Leave the
room?  What does your partner do when this happens?

2.    If you decide that you don't want to create these harmful
patterns anymore, decide how you would like to act in those
situations.  Change can take time and it usually means taking "baby
steps" in moving toward the behavior you want so be patient with
yourself.  It's important that you focus on you and your patterns
rather than what your partner is doing.  Always start with yourself
and if you keep pointing your finger outward toward your partner,
just know that you will probably stay stuck in the same "dance" that
you've been in.  We urge you to commit to changing "you."

3.    Ask for help if you find that you unconsciously go into your
patterns.  This may be help from your partner who can lovingly point
them out to you (only if you agree how you'd like him/her to do
this).  It may also be that you need support from a coach, therapist
or even a friend.  If you choose a friend, choose someone who can
lovingly tell you the truth about your actions and not someone who
will either be critical of you or sugar coat the truth.

If you want a great relationship, learning how to stay present and
talk and listen is just about the most important skill you can learn.  

This is the final lesson in this mini-series.

Read more »

FREE Passionate Heart Relationship Mini-Course‏ DAY 2

One of the things the majority of people find the most challenging
about creating a great relationship is...

Not being truthful about sharing their feelings and what is important
to them

Whenever you find that you are feeling something that you haven't
expressed, communicate these things as soon as and as lovingly as you
can. So often people allow small issues to grow into mountains that
end up coming between them. We suggest that you take care of those
issues when they come up and don't allow them to grow.

Here are some ideas for you to consider to help you do that: 

1. Take a moment to find out what you are feeling and what you want.
Find a way to quiet yourself, even if you have to go to the bathroom
to do it. Breathe deeply and find that voice inside yourself that is
telling you how you are feeling.

2. Ask your partner if you can have a few moments of uninterrupted
time to talk together about an issue. Ask if your partner is willing
to just listen while you talk and tell your partner that you agree to
listen while he/she talks. If you both feel safe to talk without
being interrupted, then you will be able to truly hear one another.

3. Say what you want in a way that it can be heard. Always approach
a conversation with how you are feeling because of the issue. If you
start making your partner wrong and accusing him/her, the only thing
you'll accomplish is that one or both of you will either withdraw and
shut down or lash out in anger.

4. Listen and honor who your partner is and what he/she wants. You
may not agree with what your partner says but in order to build the
trust that you want to feel free to say what you need, you also have
to listen with an open heart to him/her without getting defensive. 

5. Stay open and find ways that work for both of you. We've found
that when you begin to understand one another by speaking your truth
and listening to each other, the two of you begin to open the door
for possibilities and much more love. There's a "softer" feeling
between the two of you and solutions to conflicts seem to come more
easily. 

Staying open means not judging the other person and reminding
yourself how you love the other person even if in the moment you are
irritated or disappointed in him/her. Staying open when there's
conflict is probably the toughest thing you have to learn to do.
Even if you take "baby steps" in doing it, you'll see how your
relationship can grow. 

Read more »

4 signs that you're too dependent on your partner

Sharing intimate parts of yourself you would not normally disclose to anyone else is what commitment is all about, but how do you know when you have become emotionally dependent on your partner?

Relationships are about being close.

Emotional dependence can stem from many different experiences in life. Some people grow to depend on their partners after going through several unsuccessful relationships.

Others only allow themselves to become close to very few people, thus coveting the relationships that form as a result. The desire to find the ‘right person’ sometimes overshadows what really exists in any given situation.

Below are some signs that you have become too emotionally dependent on your partner:

Difficulty completing simple tasks on your own 

While it is okay to rely on the help of your partner in certain situations, you should be able to remain independent. Many adults who are in healthy relationships have no trouble going shopping separately, socialising on their own, or even taking part in different activities when at home.

A loss of your own identity is another sure sign of dependency 

A healthy relationship is between two people who haven’t sacrificed their identities to be with one another. That’s part of what makes each relationship unique. Learning how to accept and appreciate each other as well as share in life experiences is what keeps couples together for many years. 

If you are unable to make decisions on your own, you are probably too emotionally dependent on your partner 

Whilst there are many decisions couples should make together, each person in a relationship is faced with various personal decisions that should be made independently. If you are constantly looking to your partner for guidance, you are not relying on your own knowledge and wisdom.

These decisions can range from very simple to quite complex. Either way, decision making is an important part of being independent.

The inability to go through life without a partner can also signify emotional dependency

There are women who always need to be in a relationship, regardless of whether it is a healthy one. Instead of constantly looking for anyone to validate you, search for someone who is compatible with you.

If you are able to be independent in your own life, you will be able to make sound decisions in a relationship. This will make for a strong union because both you and your partner will possess the ability to support each other through various aspects of life.

This makes for an equal, healthy relationship that involves both give and take.

Read more »

FREE Passionate Heart Relationship Mini-Course‏ DAY 1

Today begins the first step. 

Are you ready?

So, let's begin with your first lesson:


Lesson 1
If we could sum up what it takes to make a great relationship with
three simple ideas, here's what they would be...

1. Keep relationship a priority
2. Learn to embrace differences as a good thing and not what you
need to change in someone else
3. Focus on what you like, love, appreciate about the other person
instead of what you don't

There are actually many things that go into creating a great
relationship but these are three ideas that we believe are critical.

*Idea one*

Keep your relationship a priority.

When couples come together, they often spend a lot of time getting to
know one another and having fun together. Then, when children enter
the picture or careers become demanding, their intention to spend
time together gets buried and lost in the busyness of everyday
activities. 

What we are suggesting is to make it your intention to spend time
together, really being together, even if it's to sit and talk alone
for a few moments over coffee.

Make your relationship a priority in your life. Set aside time
everyday to connect with your partner and don't take one moment for
granted.

*Idea Two*

Learn to embrace differences as a good thing and not what you need to
change in someone else.

To truly have a great relationship, there has to be mutual
appreciation of what each person brings to the relationship-and that
even includes the differences that drive us crazy! 

Here are some things we've learned about differences: First, become
aware of your differences and don't assume that your partner thinks
just like you think and his/her priorities are just like yours. Next,
talk about these differences and share what is important to you.
Remember to listen with an open heart and not judge. Just because
someone likes to do something in a little different way than you
doesn't mean it isn't the "right" way. Look at your preconceived
notions about the "right" ways to do things. 

If there are conflicts about the ways in which things are done or
where the priorities are placed, we recommend that you devise a new
way of doing things. Perhaps a third way that might be even better
than the two previous ways of looking at or doing things. Turn your
attention to appreciating each other's gifts instead of holding onto
what you think is the "right way" to do it. 

*Idea Three*

Focus on what you like, love, appreciate about the other person
instead of what you don't.

In many relationships, there is the temptation to take each other for
granted after a number of years or even months of being together.
When that happens, one or both people in the relationship begin to
"pick" at each other and their "faults" seem to magnify.

We're not saying to ignore what needs to be said between the two of
you. What we are saying is to focus on what you want more of in your
relationship instead of what you want less of. Sounds like common
sense but very few people actually do it.

If you are not feeling loved and appreciated yourself, start being
open to seeing and feeling love and appreciation that people are
giving you that you may not be aware of in your daily life. Start
seeing and appreciating what your partner does "right." Take the
time, in your thoughts, words and actions, to be appreciative of the
other person and watch how your relationship blossoms!

Read more »

3 Secrets of Couples Who Stay In Love Forever‏

One thing we've discovered about love, relationships, marriage 
and how to stay in love is... 

Great relationships DO NOT happen by accident... 

In fact, it's true about not only your relationships, but 
everything in life...

A great anything does not happen by accident... 

Take couples who "fall in love" and "stay in love" for example...

What we've found is that "falling in love" and "staying in love" 
are two different things. 

The falling in love is certainly easier than the staying in love, 
but for the couples who somehow manage to do both the 
question is...

How do they do it? 

How do these couples seem to beat the odds and do what 
most couples can't seem to do?

There are several ways that couples keep the fires 
stoked and burning long after the honeymoon period of the
relationship is over. 

We're going to share a few of those secrets with you today...


Secret # 1 

Couples who stay in love seem to actually talk to each other 
differently than couples who are headed for divorce court... 

Not only do these couples talk to each other differently, but 
they also use different words than the rest of us when they 
talk to each other....

They use "magic words" that seem to help open their partner 
instead of shut him or her down--

They use words that keep their partner interested instead 
of bored--

In any relationship, what we've found is that words can 
wound and words can heal. 

We've found that the right words truly can make all the 
difference between whether you stay in love or your relationship 
becomes a divorce or breakup statistic--

That's why we've put together a collection of the best words 
you could ever say to your partner if you want to stay in love 
or even rebuild a love that's faded over time. 


Secret #2

Couples who "fall in love" AND "stay in love" over a long 
period of time "ditch competition." 

We can't tell you how many times we've seen it in our 
Relationship Breakthrough Coaching work with couples...

Couples compete with each other about big and small 
things (even in playful ways) and sit around in amazement 
when the life has been sucked out of their relationship or 
marriage and they are left wondering...

Why? 

The reason is simple: 

In our opinion, there is no room for competition in a 
relationship between couples who are intimate partners 
or married. 

If you doubt whether this is true or not...

Try this...

The next time that you and your intimate partner or spouse 
have a friendly little competition about anything, when 
you are finished, ask yourself one very easy question: 

"Do I feel closer and more connected to him or her or do
I feel distant and more disconnected?" 

We're willing to bet that you'll feel more disconnected if there 
is any kind of competition between the two of you. 

Not one of these people has ever said to us... 

"I feel like we're really on the same team here--we're
splitting up!" 

It just doesn't happen. 

Here's the Susie and Otto rule for this: 

In order to "stay in love," make sure that you and your 
partner or spouse ALWAYS play on the same team. 

The potential challenges, upsets and heartbreak are 
just too great if you don't. 

Secret # 3 

Couples who "fall in love" AND "Stay in Love" remind 
themselves and each other regularly about what they like,
love and appreciate about each other. 

Try this with your partner every so often and notice the 
difference it makes in your relationship. 

Simply say to your partner: 

"Something I really appreciate about you is____________" 

And then fill in the blank with what you like, love or 
appreciate about him or her. 

This alone can sometimes work miracles in a 
relationship or marriage. 

Read more »

Communication E-Course--DAY 5‏ - Stay in the Present Moment

Has this ever happened to you? Somebody says something to 
you that immediately triggers negativity that seems to be 
an overblown reaction to the situation. You don't have a 
clue why you are so upset and you wonder just where that 
feeling came from. Your reaction may be to lash out at the 
other person or withdraw emotionally and/or physically.

Tony Robbins would call this a 'negative anchor'--something 
that is said or something that is experienced that you 
consciously or unconsciously associate with a previous 
negative event. 

We've discovered that what's really going on, in cases like 
this, is that you have been pulled out of the present moment. 
Whether you're conscious of it or not something triggered you 
to go into a behavior pattern that you have gone into many 
times before. This potentially destructive pattern is probably 
something you aren't aware of in the moment. It may or may 
not be familiar to you, but in any case, it probably doesn't 
serve you or your relationships in a positive way. 


What most of us do when communication gets difficult...

You've probably heard the words "fight, flight or freeze" 
many times before. For most of us, being familiar with these 
words still doesn't stop us from going into one of these 
patterns when we find ourselves in difficult situations.

We've learned that most people go into 'fight, flight or 
freeze' to protect themselves from painful feelings that 
are difficult or impossible to experience at the time they 
are happening. But, the problem is many people get stuck 
in this pattern, repeating it over and over, when it is no 
longer necessary. 

These three defense mechanisms are useful sometimes in our 
lives, but if you want to begin the healing process and 
create close, connected, alive relationships, you have to 
be willing to explore what you are feeling and have the 
courage to change this reaction.

We think that the goal is to be so conscious and aware of 
what we are feeling that when we get triggered by what 
someone says or does, we are able to simply recognize and 
express what we are feeling without fear, judgment or blame 
and without jumping into past patterns. 

Fight, Flight or Freeze can manifest in a number of 
different ways. All three of these reactions stem from the 
fear that your wants and needs won't be met. For example, 
fighting doesn't necessarily mean putting on the gloves and 
throwing things at each other. 

Fighting can mean holding on to the need to be right, staying 
stuck in your anger, or holding on to the desire for 
validation and to be understood. It can also mean yelling 
and physically lashing out. Fighting is holding your ground 
with your "rightness" no matter what. 

Fleeing (flight) doesn't only mean running away physically. 
It most often manifests as withdrawing emotionally to protect 
yourself so you won't have to speak or feel painful feelings 
and emotions. Fleeing can be turning on the television, 
eating or going to visit a friend instead of dealing with 
the situation. When you flee or run from what's going on 
emotionally or physically, the issues are there and won't 
go away until you come back and deal with them. 

Freezing means getting stuck and not being able to move 
from the impasse of the situation. It can also mean 
shutting down emotionally so you won't feel the pain of an 
unpleasant situation. Very often we freeze because we don't 
know what to do next, don't have the confidence in our 
abilities or in ourselves, or have the belief that our life 
situation will be different beyond this moment. Many people 
who are frozen and are feeling stuck in their situations have 
adopted the belief that it's better to deal with the devil 
you know than the devil you don't know. Because of this, 
they stay stuck right where they are in situations they are 
unhappy with and which do not serve them.

When you find yourself reacting in one of those three ways 
with the people in your life, stop your normal pattern and 
reaction. Take a few moments to recognize what it is you're 
thinking and feeling. Come into the present moment, allow 
yourself to feel your feelings and express them if 
appropriate to do so. 

No matter how much fighting, fleeing, or freezing seems to 
be serving you in the moment, the undeniable truth is that 
when you are stuck in any of these patterns, it is impossible 
to communicate from your heart with the people in your life.

We've discovered that one of the best ways to move from 
these patterns is to come into the present moment. 

One way you can tell if you're not in the present moment, 
is if you've got a lot of mental chatter going on in your 
mind. Mental chatter can come in many forms, like judging 
others and yourself, living in the past or making 
assumptions about the future. Whatever form it takes, 
your mental chatter blocks you from hearing and understanding 
others and allows very little chance for true connection 
with yourself and with other people. 

****************************
Here's an exercise to help you to gain a better 
understanding of how these patterns work in your life. 

Close your eyes and feel yourself in a situation where you 
have been in a fight, flight or freeze pattern. Just feel 
what happens in your body. Tune into yourself and feel what 
you are feeling right now, where you are feeling it and 
breathe into that place within yourself. Keep breathing 
until you feel the feeling soften and the pattern leaving. 
Bring yourself into the present moment and acknowledge that 
you have used this pattern for your protection in the past 
but maybe it doesn't serve you any longer. Write your 
experience here.




Answer the following questions for further self-discovery 
about staying in the present moment:

1. Which of these patterns do you most frequently go 
into and how does it manifest in your daily life?




2. What agreement can you make with yourself or with 
another person about staying in the present moment and 
healing your fight, flight or freeze patterns?




*********************************

TIPS for coming into the present moment
1) Practice the Tips for feeling your feelings in the 
previous lesson.

2) Focus on what's happening right here, right now--with 
the person who is in front of you.

3) Notice if your reaction to the situation seems 
overblown and much more intense that you think the situation 
warrants.

4) Ask yourself if this situation reminds you of anything 
that has happened in the past with this person or another 
person.

5) If yes, this may be a pattern that you need to heal 
within yourself by doing some forgiveness work, letting go 
of past resentments or setting boundaries in your personal 
life.

6) If you experience mental chatter that blocks you 
from communicating to connect with other people, practice 
taking 1 or 2 minute breaks throughout the day. Take a break 
from all of the projects and chaos in your life. Quiet your 
mind and concentrate on your breathing. Slow your breathing 
down and allow thoughts to float by without being attached 
to them. You've probably heard this before, but this time 
actually try it for at least one day. If you do, you will 
notice a calmness and a sense of presence that you haven't 
had before.


******************
A common complaint that many people share with us is that 
they are having a great deal of difficulty communicating 
with a partner who has shut down emotionally. He or she 
is almost certainly locked in "fight, flight or freeze."
Here are some ideas to help you and your partner move from 
these patterns and create a more loving relationship:

TIPS for improving communication with a partner who is 
locked in "fight, flight or freeze" and emotionally shut 
down

1) Find a way to let your partner know that you are 
their friend and not the enemy.

2) Explain what you are seeing, feeling and thinking 
and experiencing in the moment without judging. One way 
you might be able to do this is compare and contrast these 
feelings with how you felt when the two of you were 
communicating at your best and when you were truly happy. 
Share with your partner specific differences that you can 
point out between then and what's happening in this moment. 
Make sure that you admit that you have contributed to these 
changes in your relationship. Realize that there are probably 
some resentments and painful truths between both of you that 
have to be unearthed before this can be resolved.

3) Understand that if your partner has shut down 
emotionally, chances are that both of you are acting in 
ways that keep this behavior going. Admitting your patterns 
may open the door for a new dialog between the two of you.

4) If your partner refuses to admit there is a problem 
and remains closed to you for an extended period of time, 
we recommend seeking the help of a trained professional.

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