Afraid you're never going to get over this feeling after your break-up?‏

If you've ever felt like you're never going to get over this 
feeling after your breakup
 
You might feel like the sadness, anger and other intense 
emotions are here to stay.

It can even seem like little else is going on in your life
but your broken heart pain. 

We're here to tell you that your can heal. No matter how
troubling your breakup was, you can feel better, even happy,
again. 

It all starts with a choice and a shift. 

Make the choice to heal. 

As simplistic as it may sound, when you make a deliberate
decision to turn toward healing, you can often make huge
strides toward that goal. 

Sometimes, we cling to our painful thoughts and memories
around the breakup because we are afraid that if we let go
of the agony, we will negate any chance there might be
(especially in our minds) of reuniting. 

On some level you might want nothing more than to just go
back to the way things were...even if you know that breaking
up was for the best. 

It is understandable that you might feel this way. 

We encourage you to ask yourself this: "Is carrying around
the pain and hurt serving you?"

If it isn't, maybe it's time to make the choice to heal. 

You could write down on a piece of paper an affirmative
statement of your intention to heal.

For example, you might write something as simple as: 
"I am ready to feel better."

Tuck the paper in your pocket so that you "feel" it often
during the day--or put it in your desk drawer where you
read it whenever you reach for your pen. 

Make a shift. 

If you're ready to take another small step toward healing,
make a shift.

When you make a shift in the way that you think about
yourself, your ex and the relationship that ended, you can
begin to move toward improvement.

One powerful way to make a shift toward healing is to
become an observer to your thoughts and beliefs. 

Let's face it. 

When you think to yourself something like, "I will never
find love again," it is your thought that is causing you
fear and sadness, not necessarily the reality of your life. 

After all, you simply can't know what the future holds for
you. 

Get into the habit of paying attention to what you are
thinking and believing. 

When a particular thought becomes fixed in your mind,
question that thought or belief the way that someone outside
your situation might do. 

You could start out by asking yourself, "Do I know ________ 
to be absolutely true?" 

Many times, realizing that what you are believing is not
necessarily accurate or true can help loosen the grip that
the painful thought seems to have over you. 

Another way to make a shift toward healing is to broaden
your view of your own life. 

For many people, the pain of a broken heart can eclipse
everything else going on in life. 

Without being judgmental of yourself, start to look around
at the other people and things in your everyday world.

Are there friends or family members who you could devote
more time to? Perhaps there are projects at home, work or
related to a hobby that you haven't attended to lately. 

What is already present in your life that you couldn't
previously see because you were so focused in on the
breakup? 

Be gentle with yourself and don't force things. But, begin
to look up from your intense feelings and see what you see. 

Follow your heart and your interests and expand what you are
focused upon. 

We aren't for one minute suggesting that you should stuff
down the sadness, grief or anger that you might be feeling
about the breakup. 

Instead, we are urging you to feel what you are feeling and
then bring yourself back to the people, places and things
that are waiting for you right here and now.

Read more »

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One way to support yourself as you go through your break-up...‏

Open Up to Support As You Go Through Your Break-Up


There are support groups for just about everything these
days. You can find these groups on the internet and at your
church or community center. 

Support groups for those who are going through divorce or a
breakup are certainly available. 

The potential challenge with such groups is that they don't
always provide the kind of support that you might truly need
in order to heal your broken heart. 

Don't get us wrong. We are not advising you to steer clear
of support groups. 

What we do encourage you to do is to become clear about what
specific kind of support you want and then make sure that
the group or resource will provide that. 

"Surround yourself with only people who are going to lift
you higher," talk show host, philanthropist and all-around
dynamic woman Oprah Winfrey offered this advice. 

We couldn't agree more! 

As you turn more and more toward healing your broken heart
and the future that you'd like for yourself, become aware of
the people and other influences that you're surrounding
yourself with. 

Too often, people who feel broken hearted gravitate toward
what is essentially company for their misery. After all,
who doesn't appreciate someone who is going through
something similar to what he or she is going through?

That chat group for women who have been cheated on might
give you the exact support that you want...and it might not.


While it can certainly be helpful to talk with and
potentially learn from those who have gone through (or are
going through) the same kind of experience as you are, it
can also keep you stuck. 

And, when you spend the bulk of your time with people who
are miserable like you are and who have no idea how they
will ever feel happy (or even close to it) again, you simply
aren't receiving support. 

Don't confuse company for your misery with support. 

What is support anyway?

Think about a bridge. Its structure of beams and cables
allows cars and bicycles to travel safely over rivers, lakes
and mountainous terrain. 

You might think of a support as some thing or some person
that helps you to pass through difficulties. You are
bolstered by this resource and encouraged toward the future
you desire, not kept trapped in the pain and upset of the
past. 

You might not always be happy or comfortable with what a
source of support has to say. For example, a close friend
or family member might point out to you the hazards of
checking up on your ex via Facebook or another social
networking sites. 

This might not be what you want to hear...but it could help
you make a shift toward further healing. 

Take some time and write down the specific forms of support
that you feel like you need now. 

Your list might include the following: be available to take
a phone call when you feel sad or depressed, hang out
socially with you, be a shoulder for you to cry on, help you
make financial decisions, be willing to shop or do home
improvement projects with you or assist with childcare
occasionally or on a regular basis.

Now when someone close to you offers help, you can suggest
some ways he or she might do that. 

Who (and what) are the sources of support in your life?

Your support team could be a collection of friends, family,
acquaintances, books, movies, television shows, music and
even physical surroundings. 

The goal here is to do whatever you can to make sure that
the support team you gather for yourself is one which will
actually give you the support that you need right now. (You
can refer to that list you made.)

Take a look at who you're hanging out with. 

Do the activities you do with these people and the 
conversations that you have together seem to be serving 
you in your healing process? 

If they aren't, you might want to hang out more of the time
with other people. We aren't suggesting that you have to
rid your friend list of everyone who isn't "positive" or
"happy." 

Be deliberate about with whom you are choosing to spend 
your time, what you are doing and what you are talking about. 

Be aware of what you are reading, watching and listening to
as well. 

Read more »

Will your heart ever heal from your break up?‏

We're here to tell you that you can heal. No matter how
troubling your breakup was, you can feel better, even happy,
again. 

It all starts with a choice and a shift. 

We know that sounds like we're minimizing your pain but
believe us when we say that that's not the case.

We know how painful a break up can be and we also
know that it doesn't feel like a choice--but if you will
bear with us, we'll explain. 

Make the choice to heal.

As simplistic as it may sound, when you make a deliberate
decision to turn toward healing, you can often start feeling
better quicker than you thought possible. 

Sometimes, we cling to our painful thoughts and memories
around the breakup because we are afraid that if we let go
of the agony, we will negate any chance there might be
(especially in our minds) of reuniting. 

On some level you might want nothing more than to just go
back to the way things were...even if you know that breaking
up was for the best--and your partner may have moved on
anyway.

It is understandable that you might feel this way. 

We encourage you to ask yourself this: "Is carrying around
the pain and hurt serving you?"

If it isn't, maybe it's time to make the choice to heal. 

You could write down on a piece of paper an affirmative
statement of your intention to heal. 

For example, you might write: 
"I am ready to feel better and once again turn toward
happiness."

Make a shift. 

Congratulations on making the decision to heal your broken
heart. (*If you still can't make such a choice, be patient
with yourself and keep reading this.)

In order to put your healing into full motion, it's time to
make a shift. 

When you make a shift in the way that you think about
yourself, your ex and the relationship that ended, you can
begin to move toward improvement.

**One powerful way to make a shift toward healing is to
become an observer to your thoughts and beliefs. 

Let's face it. 

When you think to yourself something like, "I will never
find love again," it is your thought that is causing you
fear and sadness, not necessarily the reality of your life. 

After all, you simply can't know what the future holds for
you. 

Get into the habit of paying attention to what you are
thinking and believing. 

When a particular thought becomes fixed in your mind,
question that thought or belief the way that someone outside
your situation might do. 

You could start out by asking yourself, "Do I know ________ 
to be absolutely true?" 

Many times, realizing that what you are believing is not
necessarily accurate or true can help loosen the grip that
the painful thought seems to have over you. 

**Another way to make a shift toward healing is to broaden
your view of your own life. 

For many people, the pain of a broken heart can eclipse
everything else going on in life. 

Without being judgmental of yourself, start to look around
at the other people and things in your everyday world.

Are there friends or family members who you could devote
more time to? Perhaps there are projects at home, work or
related to a hobby that you haven't attended to lately. 

What is already present in your life that you couldn't
previously see because you were so focused in on the
breakup? 

Be gentle with yourself and don't force things. But, begin
to look up from your intense feelings and see what you see. 

Follow your heart and your interests and expand what you are
focused upon. 

We aren't for one minute suggesting that you should stuff
down the sadness, grief or anger that you might be feeling
about the breakup. 

Instead, we are urging you to feel what you are feeling and
then bring yourself back to the people, places and things
that are waiting for you right here and now. 

Read more »

A celebration of passion, spark, and connection can stay alive and grow deeper through years of being together

The spark doesn't have to die whether
you've been together 5 minutes or 50
years. 

Here are a few ideas we've learned along
the way that help us stay deeply connected...

1. Find ways to focus on what you like about
your partner instead of what you don't like.

You know the saying, "You get what you
focus on in life"?

Well it's certainly true when it comes to
your relationship.

Finding the "juice" and milking it for all it's
worth (while not ignoring something that's 
so in your face that you need to take some 
action) is what it's about.

*You can focus on a part of your partner's
body that you absolutely love.

*You can focus on ways your partner loves
you instead of ways he/she doesn't.

*You can focus on being present with what
you're enjoying in the moment with your
partner instead of what happened in the
past or fears of what could happen in the
future.

2. Practice coming toward one another.

We were at a gathering with friends this
past weekend and during the evening, the 
two of us briefly danced together.

One of our friends remarked that he really
enjoyed seeing the way the two of us looked 
in each other's eyes and how the love poured
out--as we were dancing.

We make a practice of connecting even in
large groups of people and it can be something
simple like making eye contact from across
the room, a touch on the arm as we pass
each other or an embrace as we dance
together.

Believe us when we say that it can make all
the difference in the world in your relationship!

This practice of coming toward one another--
whether the two of you are at home alone, your 
kids are in the house with you or you're with 
other people--is an intimate moment that you're 
telling each other how much your relationship 
means to you.

It's a way to celebrate your love, every day
instead of just on special occasions.

3. Learn how to stay open to listening and
speaking your truth--even when it's uncomfortable
to do it.

Many of peopl have told us that
communication is your biggest challenge--and
we certainly know that can be true because
we've experienced our own challenges with it.

But we've also learned a few things about staying
open to each other when we disagree and want
to close down our hearts to one another.

Read more »

4 Ways To Deal With Upsets, Anger and Anything Else

We've all experienced this at one time or another. Something happens, and we completely overreact.

We get upset, defensive and irritable and we don't
even want to (or can't) listen to what our partner is
saying.
Even though we just want to make him or her hear
and understand how we feel, we come off as
demanding and angry.
The last thing we want to do in that moment is to
understand where our partner is coming from, or
what he or she is going through.
Our partner has pushed a button and our automatic
response goes something like this...
"You hurt my feelings, it's not right and I'm going
to let you have it!"
We all do this but unfortunately when this happens
it never brings the two of you closer.
In fact, it brings more tension, stress and a lot of
unresolved conflict.
Here's a "button-pushing" scenario from our own
lives and what we did about it...

Several years ago, we'd get into conflict when
Otto had a particularly "uppity, sarcastic, superior"
(Susie's words) tone in his voice when he talked
to her on occasion.

Susie's anger button would be pushed big time and
of course, she had her own way of pushing
Otto's anger button.

Instead of expressing her anger in a healthy way,
she would come back with some sarcastic remark
that didn't have anything to do with what he was
saying.

His tone of voice said to her...(in her mind)

"I don't respect you"
"You are stupid"
"You just don't get this"

And any connection would be all over between
the two of us.

You can guess that after Susie came back with
a sarcastic, superior remark, Otto would really
get angry.

And so it went until we figured out how to stop
pushing each other's buttons in this way.

Does any of this sound even a little bit familiar
to you?

We're betting that even though you may not
have this particular way of pushing each other's
buttons, you have ways that are equally deadly
to your relationship. Maybe it's not the tone of voice you use with
each other but it might be what's NOT said
and what you imagine is happening.

Maybe it's that almost everything you say to
one another ends up being fodder for a fight.
Maybe it's that you've grown apart and you
desperately want to do something to bring
the two of you back together but everything
you try turns out wrong--and you're growing
further apart.

But...
Here's the thing about triggers...
No matter what triggers you and what triggers
your partner, you can change how you relate
to one another and how you deal with the
conflict so that it is no longer a big problem
for you in your relationship.
So, what did we do about this particular "button-
pushing" dynamic?
Susie learned to stop herself from putting a
particular meaning (her story about what
Otto's tone of voice meant) on what he was
saying--and listen instead to his words.
Here are the steps she used and you can
use also when you're triggered about
something your partner says or does...
1. Notice that you've been triggered and
acknowledge it to yourself that you've been
grabbed by something.
2. Notice what story you're telling yourself
at that moment. In Susie's case, it was
"Otto thinks I'm stupid and he doesn't
respect me."
The truth is that she didn't know what
he was thinking in that moment or what his
particular tone of voice meant.
(It might have meant that he was frustrated
and not with Susie--which was usually what it
turned out to be.)
3. Stop yourself from reacting in your old,
familiar way. If you say something back that's
sarcastic or you completely withdraw and
close down from your partner, notice that
that's what you want to do but DON'T DO
IT.
We know that it takes a lot of courage to
stop doing what's become automatic--but
know that with a little practice you can do
it.
4. Change your story and listen to your
partner.
Susie's new story is that Otto's may not
be angry with her and she'll just listen to
what he has to say.
You can change your story by just looking
at whatever else could be just as true in
this situation and telling yourself that story.
Otto used a similar process as well.
 
These steps are how we started unraveling
our particular "button-pushing" dance that
could have left a lot of unresolved conflict
between us.
And this unresolved conflict could have
destroyed the closeness, connection and
passion that we so love about our relationship.

Read more »

3 Keys To Stopping the Pain of a Broken Heart‏

It doesn't matter whether you were the one who left or you were the
one who was left--there is usually a mixture of emotions that come
up. There could be regret, sadness, resentment, relief, loss, grief
and a mixture of all of those.

Whatever you are feeling right now, we know that at the very bottom 
it,there is probably some kind of pain.

It can show up differently as emotional pain or physical pain--or a
mixture of both.

When one woman we know experienced a divorce, she actually had
physical pain in her heart. She was so grief-stricken that she
thought she was having a heart attack. In an extreme case such as
this, you need to be checked out by a physician--but the point is
that there is very real pain after a breakup or divorce.

So the question is...

How do you stop the pain?

The funny thing about pain is that it is usually pointing to 
something that you need to heal or look at in your life. Now you
may be telling us that it's pretty obvious what you need to heal--
the loss of your relationship or to get your relationship back--but 
maybe it isn't as obvious as that.

So the first thing that we would suggest if you are in pain from
a breakup or divorce is ...

1. Acknowledge that you are in pain
Acknowledge "what is" right now. Right now, you may be experiencing
the extremes of either getting busy "doing" so that all of your
time is filled up and you can't think or you are so overcome with
emotion that you aren't functioning very well in your job or your
personal life. 

As you've probably discovered, neither of these ways is very 
helpful or healthy for you to deal with the pain. 

If you cover the pain up with lots of "doing," whether it's exercise
or working long hours, the pain always comes out and hits you in
the face at some point. Maybe you can't sleep and take sleeping
pills because your thoughts and emotions are overwhelming. Whatever
happens, the pain always catches up to you.

If you find that you are completely incapacitated by your pain and
all you want to do is stay in bed, that's probably not working 
either. You may be missing work, staying away from your friends and
hibernating. You life may seem that it's on hold and you can't move
further. Being overwhelmed with pain is not dealing with it either. 

The choice you can make, whether you are incapacitated by your pain
or are burying it, is to really look at it and not try to run
away from it.

2. Discover what your pain is telling you.
Now this may seem a little weird to you but as we said before, pain 
is always telling us something and our job is to listen. 

Here's one way to listen to what your pain is saying...

Find a quiet spot, sit quietly with yourself, close your eyes and no 
distractions like television or the internet.

Take a few moments to quiet yourself by breathing deeply into your
belly region. If thoughts come in, bring your attention back to
your breathing.

When you are calmer, move your attention to your heart (or any other 
place in your body that has pain) and breathe into that spot. Don't
try to judge or put meaning to your pain right now.

Just allow yourself to fully pay attention to the area of your body
that the pain is causing you distress. Remember no judgments, no
self-talk about your situation.

Just be totally present with what is.

3. Practice this exercise whenever you feel overwhelmed or if you 
feel compelled to bury yourself in some activity. 
 
At first, it may seem unusual to do this but the more you practice,
believe it or not, the more you learn about yourself and your pain--
and the best ways to heal it and move forward.

Get quiet and listen. Even if you are in a busy office, go to the
restroom, sit in the stall and breathe. 

Do it and keep doing it. If you do this consistently, we're sure 
that you will feel dramatically better and better

Read more »

New FREE Mini e -course to begin on MONDAY 6th June

Hi Faithful Followers


This is just brief message to inform everyone that my NEW mini e-course regarding creating more love, passion, connection and a "Red Hot Love Relationship." will commence on monday the 6th June. The last FREE mini course i did had a great response. This time around the course will run for 5 days so sign up for free emails right into your inbox to ensure that you don't miss out.


Thanks
Nicolette

Read more »

You Can Be In Love for Life

It has always been the fantasy. To meet the man or woman of your dreams and to live blissfully together until death do you part. Problem is that half of all marriages end in divorce. And yes, I know that according to some, this particular statistic isn't all that accurate, but the truth is that breaking up is, at best, a painful process, and most of us have had more experience with it than we care to remember.

It has been known for a very long time that those in healthy marriages or long-term relationships have lower mortality rates and better immune systems, and now scientists are attributing lower stress levels to those fortunate enough to be in loving committed relationships. So who wouldn't want love with benefits like a longer life and soul-warming affection?

Well, once you've had a bad relationship, no matter how it ended, getting back in the saddle can be as daunting as auditioning for American Idol. But you can't win if you don't play, and going about finding a mate half-heartedly will only get you half a love. Should you decide to jump in again, here's some great news.

According to an article on Match.com, a postdoctoral researcher at U.C. Santa Barbara, Bianca Acevedo, discovered through the use of surveys and brain scans that even after 20 years of togetherness, about 30 percent of married couples stay "in love." Another survey said that 18 percent of couples were still "very intensely in love" after 10 years or more.

This blows away the previous studies that say most people only stay in love for six months to three years, long enough to bear a child. I never really bought into that one. Even after a very difficult time, couples who work at it can put the love back into their relationships. To some, it comes as easily as realizing that they have become distant from their partners and making the decision to change it. Just remember that making this happen takes both effort and desire.

For love to work, you have to believe in it. I know many couples on second and third marriages who say they are happier than they have ever been. Don't think that a false start or two makes you damaged goods. The truth is that you must have learned something, and chances are you won't make the same mistake again.

Being in love for life doesn't mean that you will stay with your high-school sweetheart. It means that at any time you can make the choice to change your situation and make your life one of love and support. No, you won't always be right and your mate won't laugh at all your jokes, but if you work to create true love, you will have something more precious than jewels. Ask anyone who has lost the love of their life: what they would trade to have that person back? If yours is still here, make it happen. If not, go find one. Life is too short to stand on the sidelines.

Read more »

Stop Putting Your Needs Last in Your Love Relationship

Does it ever seem like you have to choose between making yourself happy and making your partner happy in your relationship?

It might appear to you as if either you or your mate can have your needs met-- but not both of you at the same time. You might reason to yourself that this is just "compromise" or that this is what relationships are all about.

We simply don't agree. In the majority of situations, there is a way for both you and your mate to feel satisfied about a resolution to a particular conflict or disagreement.

It is absolutely possible for you AND your partner to feel like your needs are being met-- even if they are different needs.

You may have developed a habit of putting what you want on the back burner in life. This tendency might come from your desire to please your mate or to not upset the "fragile balance" between the two of you. It might also relate back to lessons about relationships or gender that you learned growing up.

The trouble with consistently and frequently putting your needs last is that you can end up feeling like a martyr in your relationship.  You put yourself in the position of essentially sacrificing yourself for the sake of your partner.

This almost always results in you feeling resentful-- even if you try to keep those feelings hidden. In addition to the resentment, you will also probably experience unhappiness and upset because you aren't giving yourself what you need.

You might believe that putting your own needs last is a favor or gift you are giving to your partner, but it's not! When you are depriving yourself by squashing down your own desires, you simply can't be as present and open to your mate as you might otherwise be able to be.

Your love will not be able to flow the way you might want it to in your relationship.

You partner will probably also feel confused and unsure of you.  After all, you aren't acting and speaking with integrity when you regularly shove aside your own opinions and desires in favor of his or hers.

This can create an environment of mistrust in which both of you are closed down and distant with one another.

Putting your own needs last is simply not conducive to you having the connected, close relationship you might have been trying to create in the first place.

Stay in touch and aware of what you want. 
Get in the habit of tuning in to yourself and to what you want-- not just when it comes to "big" decisions, but in each and every moment.

When you awake in the morning, practice listening to what your inner self is needing. It could be that your body is craving some alone time involving a good book and a warm bath. Or it may be that you really need close, loving touches and physical sharing with your mate.

Take the time to ask yourself how you feel about a particular situation as you are talking with your partner. Allow yourself a few moments (or however long you need) to process what he or she is saying and feel into yourself to become clear about what you would like to have happen next.

You can let your partner know that the pauses you are taking before responding in a conversation mean that you are tuning in to yourself so that what you share is from your heart and well-considered.

Have the courage and patience to stay open. 
Just because you make a change and stop putting your own needs last, it doesn't mean you will begin to offer your partner ultimatums or that you will always "get your way."

Once you are clear about what you need, you can cultivate the courage to communicate that need to your mate. And then you can stay open and be patient.

Listen closely to what your partner's needs are and don't reject them just because they seem, at first glance, to be diametrically opposed to what you want. Stick with this open and loving energy.

Look for solutions that you both can feel content with. The decision or outcome that you two make together might not be what you initially expected-- it could be even better.

If your intention is to stay connected AND have your needs met, it is more likely that those win-win solutions will become apparent.  Follow through with these need-satisfying plans and celebrate how much closer you and your partner have become in the process. 

Read more »

Can You Truly Just "Have Fun"?

It's the classic dating situation: Two people meet. They are attracted to one another and begin to spend time together. The continue to spend time together and become intimate.

One person makes it clear that he or she just wants to "have fun" and does not want a relationship or to get serious. As time passes, however, confusion, disagreement and possible pain about this "non-relationship" grows.

So, is it possible to just "have fun" together?

Of course it is. When two people have an agreement that they are both wanting to be casual about their interactions with one another, it can be fun and enjoyable.

This, however, is not a committed relationship.

We certainly hope that there is fun and enjoyment in love relationships and marriages, but there are also other elements that the casual dating experience does not usually include.

Let's back up a bit...

There are many people who simply don't want to be in a love relationship.

They may have had painful experiences in past relationships and still feel too vulnerable and wounded to jump back into another one now, or ever. They may hold beliefs that they will lose independence and a sense of control over their lives if they enter into a committed relationship.

Or, perhaps, they are clear within themselves that they do not want that kind of depth and level of involvement with another person right now.

None of these reasons are wrong.

It gets tricky, however, when a person who is not wanting to be in a relationship does want to date and possibly be sexually intimate with other people.

Upon first getting together, it might seem acceptable to the other person to just "have fun." But attachments can happen over time.  Feelings can deepen and grow.

The person who was initially okay with a non-relationship dating arrangement might find him or herself wanting more.

When both people do not want more at the same time, the fun quickly drains away leaving mainly hurt feelings and upset.

Make agreements with yourself. 
We understand that when you are first getting to know another person to whom you are attracted, neither of you really knows if this will turn into a love relationship or not.

At that first date, asking the other person to make relationship commitments to you is probably not a wise idea-- nor is it probably one that you would choose.

You are learning more about this person; you probably don't want to force things or end up in a relationship with someone whom you aren't all that excited about after all.

We encourage you to make commitments and agreements with yourself.

• What is most important to you when it comes to this dating experience?
• How would you like to be treated by this new person in your life?
• Are there particular expectations that you have of him or her?
• If the two of you are sexually intimate, what kind of agreements will you make?

While it may be unclear to you (and to your date) whether or not you want to deepen your interactions and eventually be in a committed relationship together, you can become very clear within yourself about what you want.

For example, if you truly are wanting to be in a committed relationship in the near future, be honest with yourself about that.  Whether it's this person or another, if this is what you really want, admit it to yourself.

Communicate as you go along. 
Keep the lines of communication open and honest as you are in this dating and "having fun" situation. Listen to what the other person is saying and ask yourself if this is acceptable to you at this time.

After a few months, you might want more. This is why continuing to talk is so important.

Again, we aren't suggesting that during the first weeks of dating, you corner this other person and try to get him or her to make a commitment to a relationship.

Yes, make agreements in the moment and make commitments that fit
where you are.

We also recommend that if your dating partner is clearly against being in a relationship and you would like to keep that open as a future possibility, be honest.

When you say okay to no relationship, that is also an agreement.

If you are amenable to a "no relationship" agreement, be sure that you continue to check in with yourself as the two of you spend more and more time together.

Be clear about what just "having fun" means to each of you in terms of dating other people and sexual intimacy.

Dating and attracting a love relationship can be difficult to do.  There are a lot of unknowns and many occasions for potential misunderstandings.

Keep the connection between you and you strong. Stay open and be honest about where you are and what you want. Above all, trust that you can have the kind of experience and relationships that you desire.

Read more »

How to Say "No" to Your Jealous Partner

Andy is sick and tired of coming home after a hard day at the office to his wife, Caroline's, incessant questions. Almost as soon as he enters their house, her probing inquiries begin.

"Who did you meet with today?"
"I don't know her. Is she someone you see often?"
"Where did you go for lunch this afternoon?"
"Did you eat alone?"
"When did you have lunch?"
"Why didn't you e-mail or text me to check in?"

After Andy attempts to answer Caroline's questions, he feels annoyed and defensive. Andy knows that Caroline had a painful past before they began dating. She has a lot from her childhood to deal with as well as a couple of bad relationships before they met.

At the same time, Andy is worn out and, frankly, done being patient with Caroline's daily interrogations that are fueled by her jealousy. He doesn't know what to do other than give in and answer each question or to abruptly demand space and walk away.

If you are with a jealous partner, you might relate to Andy's dilemma.

You may love and care very much about your partner and your relationship. You feel you have nothing to hide and have done nothing wrong, which is why his or her jealous behavior toward you is so frustrating!

Most of all, what you might want to do is to tell your mate that "No, I will not answer your jealous questions"...but you don't because you're worried about really setting him or her off.

We urge you not to give up on your love relationship or marriage if you truly want to be with your current partner. There are ways to communicate and set boundaries with your jealousy partner that can actually improve your relationship.

Do the advance work... 
There may be a pattern to when your partner is most obviously jealous. It could be when you two have been apart all day. Or, it might be when you are out together (or separately) socially.

Begin to pay attention to the situations and even the words that you use that seem to trigger a jealous reaction from your mate. Look for ways that you might be inadvertently triggering the jealous reaction.

Let's be clear here-- we are NOT saying that your partner's jealousy is your fault. We do want you to be aware of slight changes to your own habits that could ease this situation, however.

Take the time to ask yourself what you could differently-- without compromising what is important to you-- that might be less likely to trigger your mate.

One thing might be to interrupt an interrogation or accusation in progress and request that you two talk about this issue later, when you are not feeling defensive and when your partner can calm down and re-evaluate what he or she thinks is happening.

Allow your partner to own his or her jealousy...
As much as you'd like to "fix" or "solve" your mate's jealousy problem, you can't.

If you apply labels to your partner or try to figure out his or her jealousy habit and then expect your mate to be grateful to you for this, you're probably going to be disappointed.

What you CAN do is to be honest when you feel wrongly accused or that your privacy and space is being invaded. It's up to you how much transparency you are willing to provide to your jealous partner.

(If you've had an affair or broken trust, even if your partner is jealous it may be wise for you to be transparent.)

When your mate does take ownership for being jealous, be supportive and ask how you can work with him or her to help improve your relationship.

Say "No" and set boundaries with love and an invitation to connect...
When you set a boundary with your jealous partner, do so with love and be clear that it is your intention to connect, even though you are essentially saying "No" to the jealous habit.

If you are tired of being asked to account for what you did and who you were with every second of every day, think about how you could say "No" to this request for information with kindness.

For example, you might say, "I am not going to answer your questions right now. I love you and I will share with you about my day after I have had a chance to relax and unwind."

You could also say something like, "I feel annoyed and accused when you greet me at the door with questions like this. I would love to hear how your day was and also let you know how my day was as a way to connect with one another. Will you make a shift and talk with me in this different way?"

Saying "No" to a jealous partner does not have to mean more distance and disconnection between the two of you. In fact, when you communicate your boundaries with a sense of honesty, openness and love, you can help support your partner as he or she overcomes jealousy. 

Read more »

Passionate Heart Relationship Mini-Course‏ - DAY 5 FINAL

What it takes to succeed in creating a great relationship is...

The commitment to not run away and hide when things get tough.

One of the things we learned very early in our relationship was that
we each had a tendency in our previous relationships to shut down
emotionally and even physically run away when things got tough.  
Because we recognized that this pattern can create big problems in
relationships, we made the commitment to each other that we would not
make the same mistake in our relationship.

We committed that we would stay present with each other and not run
away, either emotionally or physically.  Sounds like a great
commitment but we've discovered that it can be a challenge to keep.

What we are sure of is that this principle of not running away has
made our relationship stronger, increased trust between us and has
helped to create the close, connected feeling that we have with each
other.

What does it take to not run away and hide when things get tough?

Here are some tips to help you and your partner if you choose to make
this commitment to each other:

1.    Find out what your patterns are when there's conflict between
the two of you or conflict with someone else.  What do you
immediately do?  Lash out in anger?  Put up walls between you and the
other person and pull all of your energy inside yourself?  Leave the
room?  What does your partner do when this happens?

2.    If you decide that you don't want to create these harmful
patterns anymore, decide how you would like to act in those
situations.  Change can take time and it usually means taking "baby
steps" in moving toward the behavior you want so be patient with
yourself.  It's important that you focus on you and your patterns
rather than what your partner is doing.  Always start with yourself
and if you keep pointing your finger outward toward your partner,
just know that you will probably stay stuck in the same "dance" that
you've been in.  We urge you to commit to changing "you."

3.    Ask for help if you find that you unconsciously go into your
patterns.  This may be help from your partner who can lovingly point
them out to you (only if you agree how you'd like him/her to do
this).  It may also be that you need support from a coach, therapist
or even a friend.  If you choose a friend, choose someone who can
lovingly tell you the truth about your actions and not someone who
will either be critical of you or sugar coat the truth.

If you want a great relationship, learning how to stay present and
talk and listen is just about the most important skill you can learn.  

This is the final lesson in this mini-series.

Read more »

Passionate Heart Relationship Mini Course - DAY 3

A little known secret about creating a great relationship is...

The importance of living by the Platinum Rule instead of the Golden
Rule.

When we were young, most of us were taught the Golden Rule.  

This may surprise you but we think using the Golden Rule as a
guideline for your relationships is a recipe for disaster and here's
why.

The Golden Rule says this: "Do unto others as you'd have them do unto
you."   The problem with the Golden Rule is that we are all unique
individuals and no one else in the entire world is exactly like you.

In relationships, people mistakenly believe that everyone else wants
to do things and live in the same way they do.

No matter how close, how connected and how much you love someone
else, they are not exactly like you. Because they are not exactly
like you, they have different wants, needs and interests--some more
important than others. They also come from a different set of life
experiences, circumstances and what they consider to be important.

The truth of the matter is that other people don't want to be "done
unto"  as you'd like to be "done unto."  

We suggest you honor the Platinum Rule which says, "Do unto others as
they want to be 'done unto.'"

This means that you love them how they really want to be loved.  This
also means that you treat them the way they want to be treated.

To honor this rule, we recommend that you tell your mate, partner or
people in your life how you would like to be "done unto" instead
of allowing guesswork, assumptions and misunderstandings to ruin
relationships.

This involves taking a risk. Perhaps for some people, maybe the
biggest risk of all is working through fears of not being loved if
you say what you really want or how you really feel.

So we suggest that instead of assuming and creating
misunderstandings, both of you communicate your wants, needs and
interests to those in your life. This way, by communicating openly
and honestly, the chances of you and your partner getting what you
each want in your life and your relationships are much greater than
if you don't.

Read more »

FREE Passionate Heart Relationship Mini-Course‏ DAY 2

One of the things the majority of people find the most challenging
about creating a great relationship is...

Not being truthful about sharing their feelings and what is important
to them

Whenever you find that you are feeling something that you haven't
expressed, communicate these things as soon as and as lovingly as you
can. So often people allow small issues to grow into mountains that
end up coming between them. We suggest that you take care of those
issues when they come up and don't allow them to grow.

Here are some ideas for you to consider to help you do that: 

1. Take a moment to find out what you are feeling and what you want.
Find a way to quiet yourself, even if you have to go to the bathroom
to do it. Breathe deeply and find that voice inside yourself that is
telling you how you are feeling.

2. Ask your partner if you can have a few moments of uninterrupted
time to talk together about an issue. Ask if your partner is willing
to just listen while you talk and tell your partner that you agree to
listen while he/she talks. If you both feel safe to talk without
being interrupted, then you will be able to truly hear one another.

3. Say what you want in a way that it can be heard. Always approach
a conversation with how you are feeling because of the issue. If you
start making your partner wrong and accusing him/her, the only thing
you'll accomplish is that one or both of you will either withdraw and
shut down or lash out in anger.

4. Listen and honor who your partner is and what he/she wants. You
may not agree with what your partner says but in order to build the
trust that you want to feel free to say what you need, you also have
to listen with an open heart to him/her without getting defensive. 

5. Stay open and find ways that work for both of you. We've found
that when you begin to understand one another by speaking your truth
and listening to each other, the two of you begin to open the door
for possibilities and much more love. There's a "softer" feeling
between the two of you and solutions to conflicts seem to come more
easily. 

Staying open means not judging the other person and reminding
yourself how you love the other person even if in the moment you are
irritated or disappointed in him/her. Staying open when there's
conflict is probably the toughest thing you have to learn to do.
Even if you take "baby steps" in doing it, you'll see how your
relationship can grow. 

Read more »

4 signs that you're too dependent on your partner

Sharing intimate parts of yourself you would not normally disclose to anyone else is what commitment is all about, but how do you know when you have become emotionally dependent on your partner?

Relationships are about being close.

Emotional dependence can stem from many different experiences in life. Some people grow to depend on their partners after going through several unsuccessful relationships.

Others only allow themselves to become close to very few people, thus coveting the relationships that form as a result. The desire to find the ‘right person’ sometimes overshadows what really exists in any given situation.

Below are some signs that you have become too emotionally dependent on your partner:

Difficulty completing simple tasks on your own 

While it is okay to rely on the help of your partner in certain situations, you should be able to remain independent. Many adults who are in healthy relationships have no trouble going shopping separately, socialising on their own, or even taking part in different activities when at home.

A loss of your own identity is another sure sign of dependency 

A healthy relationship is between two people who haven’t sacrificed their identities to be with one another. That’s part of what makes each relationship unique. Learning how to accept and appreciate each other as well as share in life experiences is what keeps couples together for many years. 

If you are unable to make decisions on your own, you are probably too emotionally dependent on your partner 

Whilst there are many decisions couples should make together, each person in a relationship is faced with various personal decisions that should be made independently. If you are constantly looking to your partner for guidance, you are not relying on your own knowledge and wisdom.

These decisions can range from very simple to quite complex. Either way, decision making is an important part of being independent.

The inability to go through life without a partner can also signify emotional dependency

There are women who always need to be in a relationship, regardless of whether it is a healthy one. Instead of constantly looking for anyone to validate you, search for someone who is compatible with you.

If you are able to be independent in your own life, you will be able to make sound decisions in a relationship. This will make for a strong union because both you and your partner will possess the ability to support each other through various aspects of life.

This makes for an equal, healthy relationship that involves both give and take.

Read more »

FREE Passionate Heart Relationship Mini-Course‏ DAY 1

Today begins the first step. 

Are you ready?

So, let's begin with your first lesson:


Lesson 1
If we could sum up what it takes to make a great relationship with
three simple ideas, here's what they would be...

1. Keep relationship a priority
2. Learn to embrace differences as a good thing and not what you
need to change in someone else
3. Focus on what you like, love, appreciate about the other person
instead of what you don't

There are actually many things that go into creating a great
relationship but these are three ideas that we believe are critical.

*Idea one*

Keep your relationship a priority.

When couples come together, they often spend a lot of time getting to
know one another and having fun together. Then, when children enter
the picture or careers become demanding, their intention to spend
time together gets buried and lost in the busyness of everyday
activities. 

What we are suggesting is to make it your intention to spend time
together, really being together, even if it's to sit and talk alone
for a few moments over coffee.

Make your relationship a priority in your life. Set aside time
everyday to connect with your partner and don't take one moment for
granted.

*Idea Two*

Learn to embrace differences as a good thing and not what you need to
change in someone else.

To truly have a great relationship, there has to be mutual
appreciation of what each person brings to the relationship-and that
even includes the differences that drive us crazy! 

Here are some things we've learned about differences: First, become
aware of your differences and don't assume that your partner thinks
just like you think and his/her priorities are just like yours. Next,
talk about these differences and share what is important to you.
Remember to listen with an open heart and not judge. Just because
someone likes to do something in a little different way than you
doesn't mean it isn't the "right" way. Look at your preconceived
notions about the "right" ways to do things. 

If there are conflicts about the ways in which things are done or
where the priorities are placed, we recommend that you devise a new
way of doing things. Perhaps a third way that might be even better
than the two previous ways of looking at or doing things. Turn your
attention to appreciating each other's gifts instead of holding onto
what you think is the "right way" to do it. 

*Idea Three*

Focus on what you like, love, appreciate about the other person
instead of what you don't.

In many relationships, there is the temptation to take each other for
granted after a number of years or even months of being together.
When that happens, one or both people in the relationship begin to
"pick" at each other and their "faults" seem to magnify.

We're not saying to ignore what needs to be said between the two of
you. What we are saying is to focus on what you want more of in your
relationship instead of what you want less of. Sounds like common
sense but very few people actually do it.

If you are not feeling loved and appreciated yourself, start being
open to seeing and feeling love and appreciation that people are
giving you that you may not be aware of in your daily life. Start
seeing and appreciating what your partner does "right." Take the
time, in your thoughts, words and actions, to be appreciative of the
other person and watch how your relationship blossoms!

Read more »

3 Secrets of Couples Who Stay In Love Forever‏

One thing we've discovered about love, relationships, marriage 
and how to stay in love is... 

Great relationships DO NOT happen by accident... 

In fact, it's true about not only your relationships, but 
everything in life...

A great anything does not happen by accident... 

Take couples who "fall in love" and "stay in love" for example...

What we've found is that "falling in love" and "staying in love" 
are two different things. 

The falling in love is certainly easier than the staying in love, 
but for the couples who somehow manage to do both the 
question is...

How do they do it? 

How do these couples seem to beat the odds and do what 
most couples can't seem to do?

There are several ways that couples keep the fires 
stoked and burning long after the honeymoon period of the
relationship is over. 

We're going to share a few of those secrets with you today...


Secret # 1 

Couples who stay in love seem to actually talk to each other 
differently than couples who are headed for divorce court... 

Not only do these couples talk to each other differently, but 
they also use different words than the rest of us when they 
talk to each other....

They use "magic words" that seem to help open their partner 
instead of shut him or her down--

They use words that keep their partner interested instead 
of bored--

In any relationship, what we've found is that words can 
wound and words can heal. 

We've found that the right words truly can make all the 
difference between whether you stay in love or your relationship 
becomes a divorce or breakup statistic--

That's why we've put together a collection of the best words 
you could ever say to your partner if you want to stay in love 
or even rebuild a love that's faded over time. 


Secret #2

Couples who "fall in love" AND "stay in love" over a long 
period of time "ditch competition." 

We can't tell you how many times we've seen it in our 
Relationship Breakthrough Coaching work with couples...

Couples compete with each other about big and small 
things (even in playful ways) and sit around in amazement 
when the life has been sucked out of their relationship or 
marriage and they are left wondering...

Why? 

The reason is simple: 

In our opinion, there is no room for competition in a 
relationship between couples who are intimate partners 
or married. 

If you doubt whether this is true or not...

Try this...

The next time that you and your intimate partner or spouse 
have a friendly little competition about anything, when 
you are finished, ask yourself one very easy question: 

"Do I feel closer and more connected to him or her or do
I feel distant and more disconnected?" 

We're willing to bet that you'll feel more disconnected if there 
is any kind of competition between the two of you. 

Not one of these people has ever said to us... 

"I feel like we're really on the same team here--we're
splitting up!" 

It just doesn't happen. 

Here's the Susie and Otto rule for this: 

In order to "stay in love," make sure that you and your 
partner or spouse ALWAYS play on the same team. 

The potential challenges, upsets and heartbreak are 
just too great if you don't. 

Secret # 3 

Couples who "fall in love" AND "Stay in Love" remind 
themselves and each other regularly about what they like,
love and appreciate about each other. 

Try this with your partner every so often and notice the 
difference it makes in your relationship. 

Simply say to your partner: 

"Something I really appreciate about you is____________" 

And then fill in the blank with what you like, love or 
appreciate about him or her. 

This alone can sometimes work miracles in a 
relationship or marriage. 

Read more »

Focus on What you Want

No matter what mistakes you feel you 
and your partner have made, challenges you've had or 
problems you've encountered along the way, we hold the 
belief that today is a new day and anything is possible 
from this moment forward. 

Regardless of what has been true up until now about your 
communication challenges, in this moment, you have the 
opportunity to learn to do it differently. 

Whether you're 20, 30, 40, 50 or 80 years old, it's 
never too late to commit to creating ease and flow in 
your communication with other people. 

So, how do you do this? 

Step one is to acknowledge for yourself that there are 
other people who have exactly what you want for your 
life and to adopt the belief that if it's possible for 
someone else, then it's possible for you too. 

Once you begin to believe that yes, other people do 
have what you want and it's also possible for you too, 
then begin focusing on how you want to communicate with 
people and how you want others to communicate with you.

Don't spend time beating yourself up if you fall into 
old patterns that don't serve you or if your 
relationships aren't exactly the way you want them to be. 
It can take time to change lifelong patterns. Simply 
become aware of your pattern, recommit to creating the 
life or relationships that you want--one moment at a time, 
doing your best in each moment. 

If you feel that you must talk to others about your 
disappointments about the way things have been in the 
past, always use the phrase 'up until now..." By using 
the phrase 'up until now...' you are opening your 
heart and mind to possibilities of change within your 
relationships.

Focusing on what you want instead of what you don't 
want in your relationships and in your life does work! 
Shift your thinking and you will see your life 
transform before your eyes.

****************************
1) Remember what you said in the Introduction 
about your communication challenges. Take some time 
now and list those challenges again. Beside each one, 
list some positive ways you are going to focus on 
bringing about change in your life. 





****************************
TIPS for focusing on what you want
1. Write your agreements and how you want your 
communication with others to be on a piece of paper 
and place them where you'll see them several times a 
day as a reminder.

2. Ask for the help of people you trust to make 
those changes as you continue to move toward the love 
and connections that you want with others.

3. If you find your thoughts and actions drifting 
back into old patterns, stop, take three deep breaths, 
shift your thoughts to what you want in life, 
appreciate the other person and recommit to your 
commitments.

Read more »