Can you turn a booty call into a boyfriend?

A booty call is someone you invite over, or who invites you over, (usually late at night) for the sole purpose of having sex.
The initial thought of the person making the call is no-strings fun, very casual, and basically assumes that both parties are mature enough to accept the ‘date’ for what it is.

For most women, the fact that the guy is willing to come over just for the purpose of using and being used is not a good indication of relationship material.
If you’re making a true booty call you usually don’t know the person much beyond their ability in bed – and having sexual prowess does not always equal relationship ability.


Start by taking the 'booty' out of the call
However, there have been instances where going from being or making the booty call to being the significant other has worked out. Sometimes it’s difficult not to develop feelings for someone you’re so intimate with. In this case, you are going to need a lot of patience.
The first step is going to be very gently bringing up the subject of you and the rodeo stud as a couple. You must be prepared todo this in very tiny steps – which may involve a series of booty calls in which the booty gets pushed back by conversation a bit more each time.

Don’t rush into this too fast. You really need to get a feel for how he feels about you. Once you’ve determined that there is actual interest in more than just your girly-bits, you’ll have to move onto the hardest stage of all. You have to stop being the booty call altogether.


He needs to stop seeing you as just a playmate
Men tend to have two compartments in their brains: one for sex and one for relationships (and the two don’t always talk to each other).
You now have to get your plaything to see you as a real woman with emotions and feelings, and not just a play mate. You will have to stop taking his calls late at night and make yourself unavailable during that time period.


Make yourself available for real dates
However, you do want to be available during ‘decent’ hours for conversations, lunch, dinner, and even movie dates. You just want to take the naked fun off the plate for the time being.
You may even have to be prepared for the fact that sometimes you have to walk away from the guy completely.
In quite a few cases, women have found that absence really does make the heart grow fonder. It seems that just when these women had given up on their previous booty call pal and were ready to move on, that was when the relationship actually formed.


Know when to call it a day
Remember that most people who make and answer booty calls aren’t usually looking for a relationship, which means they may opt out once you bring up this possibility.
If a guy loses interest once you take sex off the table, he was probably never interested in you as a person anyway, and in this case, the best course of action on your part is just to let him go.

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Facebook has some explaining to do

Facebook, Twitter and the like have a lot to answer for
There I was, happily trundling along through life, giving barely a passing thought to people that I had not seen or heard of for over twenty years, and then I gave in and joined the Facebook brigade.....

... and it was fun to be on Facebook

It can be enormous fun catching up with those from your past. I’ve attended my 28th year high school reunion, organized entirely through Facebook, spoken to friends that I last saw in their school uniforms, shared photo albums with family overseas and followed their status updates with glee.
I've also swopped scandal stories and received sad news, congratulated some and commiserated with others.

And then there’s the ex boyfriend contingent ...

Admittedly I’ve been fairly lucky in my romantic life. I can quite honestly say I don’t remember a single ex-boyfriend that I wouldn’t quite happily chat to today. Relationships break up for a myriad of reasons and mine were pretty mundane, geography, young and restless, just not that into you, the usual suspects.  

But a lot of these guys were ones you knew 20 years ago, and herein lies the problem.

You want them to see you at your best

In fact, if at all possible, you want them to see you looking a million times better than you did twenty years ago. Even if you weren’t that into them.  

It’s part shallowness, along the lines of feeling relieved that you’ve just had your hair done when bumping into an old boyfriend with his new girlfriend (and if I am considered shallow for feeling like that then almost every girl I know is equally shallow) and then there is the part of you that wants them to, at least briefly, give a moment's thought as to what they lost, when they lost you.  

And that will not work if every photo that’s ever taken of you is posted on Facebook

Even my happily married sister vets her photos with a magnifying glass before her husband is allowed to post them. He thinks this is hysterically funny, as being male; he is what he is and is quite happy for it to be put out there.  

It took me weeks to forgive him for posting the photo of me with the Koala bear without running it by me first. The Koala bear looks stunning, all cuddly and soft and furry, big limpid eyes gazing sleepily up at me.  

I on the other hand look as if I’d crawled out of bed at four in the morning the night before the morning after. If that koala hadn’t been so cute ...

Thank heavens for the digital age …

Luckily we live in the age of digital cameras. Every time a photo is taken by my girls, we all crowd round examining it for flaws. If just one of us decides that the angle shows a double chin or a tummy roll … delete … and take the same photo again. 

When I think of how we managed before digital cameras I’m surprised that more than two photos out of 24 on a roll of film were ever developed?

Have we become too focused on how we appear to other people as opposed to the people we’ve become?  

Should we not be concentrating on our achievements, how happy we are in our lives, and not care if the flaws are out there for the entire world to see?

Does it mean we’re shallow to want others to see us looking the best we can?

The Body Shop once famously ran an advertising campaign which said that there were only seven people in the world that actually looked like supermodels. And that the average size for women in the world was a size 14. 



We know this, yet we all strive to look younger and more attractive
The source of these unrealistic feelings is obvious: the TV and the media have for so long bombarded us with images of good looking, perfectly honed, young people, that, now, it is widely believed that we all feel a pressure to fit in to look the same.

But is that strictly speaking true? Because I believe, contrary to the idea that women of a certain age are living their lives longing for the past and full of regret, the majority of us just want to look the best we possibly can, with what we have to work with now.

It doesn’t mean we’re out there taking illegal diet pills and going on botox rampages at the drop of a hat! We know that exercising and eating better will benefit us in both looks and health, and we do make the effort.  

But we don’t all become fanatics, abandoning families to spend long hours at the gym, nibbling away at sliced carrots. 

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Wanted: Men with money, power and fame

Women are often attracted to men because of their wealth, fame and power, but is there more to this phenomenon than meets the eye?
Most people assume that women are attracted to men with money, power and fame because of those three attributes and not because of the man himself.
While there are, no doubt, some women who are primarily interested in those elements, there may be a more fundamental, primeval motivation for women seeking out these types of men.
Survival of the fittest?
This reason could very well be related to Darwin’s ‘survival of the fittest’ theory. In the animal kingdom, it’s usually the strongest, fastest and most powerful males who get the best mates to ensure their line.
This could also be a factor in why women are attracted more to men with a lot of money, who have power, or who are famous.
These men are often viewed as being superior on some level, whether or not this is a conscious decision, and superior mates are vital for the survival of the species.
While physical appearance and prowess are certainly an indication of good genes, success and intelligence are also important factors in a mate.
How men are portrayed in the media
This phenomenon could also be related to the images of ‘ideal men’ women are provided by the the media. How many Disney princes were actually poor, weak toads? None! From very young ages girls are exposed to the idea that the perfect man will be able to provide a good income, will be outgoing and popular with other people, and will also be influential. 

The media also often portrays these men in a very flattering light, which allows women to develop certain fantasies about what life with that man would be like. This can have the knock-on effect of women then being willing actively to pursue a relationship with the man in the media. Unfortunately when reality strikes, these are also often the couples who end up divorced.
Sometimes women just want someone who can look after them and their families
Society tends to think that people who are wealthy and powerful are somehow more trustworthy and smarter than the rest of the population. What woman doesn’t want someone who’s intelligent and who can provide her with a comfortable life?
Many women are looking to return to the days when they didn’t have to work for a living and were able to be the stay-at-home mom whose primary concern is raising her family.

Men with fame, power, and money somehow come across to many women as being more sensitive, more charismatic, and maybe even better in bed. It’s really about how the woman thinks the man is going to make her feel that is the real attraction.

Does this mean that men who don’t have a lot of money, who aren’t super-powerful, and who don’t make the nightly news should be overlooked? Absolutely not. They just might have to work to get a woman’s attention first.

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The act of forgiveness

Most people have heard the old adage ‘to err is human, to forgive divine’. We know that it’s best if we’re able to forgive some of life’s little digs from others, but sometimes it just isn’t easy to do this.
Tell the other person how they made you feel
Often the easiest way to forgive someone is to sit down and tell them how you feel. If the person you’re struggling to forgive is someone important to you, whom you want to keep in your life, the best option is to sit down with them and simply let them know what they did that hurt you and how it’s impacted you.
Try to use non-threatening words and body language, and don’t accuse them of hurting you on purpose. A helpful tip is to use “I” sentences – “I feel hurt when …”, “I felt disrespected when …”, as these are not accusatory, but still help to drive the point home.
Consider writing them a letter

If the person is either no longer in your life or is someone you want out of your life, then you have to decide if it’s really worth your time and energy to have that same conversation with them. Maybe it’d be enough for you simply to write down your thoughts and feelings just to let it out.
You can then decide if it would be best for you to send them the letter, or just tear it up and burn it. Remember, forgiveness is for and about you. The other person doesn’t necessarily have to know you’ve forgiven them.
Change your perspective

Another way to practise forgiving others for their slights against you is to write about how you have benefited from their actions. That’s right … benefited. It won’t help you to reach forgiveness if you just write about what the other person did wrong, how it made you feel, and what you’d like to do to get revenge.

Changing your perspective can make the difference between continuing to stew in your emotions and actually forgiving the other person. So write about the good things that came as a result of the other person’s actions. Maybe you were so angry you went to go and buy ice cream to drown your sorrows, where you happened to run into someone close to you, whom you hadn’t seen in a long time.
Try to see things through their eyes

Strive to empathise with the other person. Putting yourself in their position and trying to see things through their eyes has been shown to make the process of forgiveness much easier (especially for men).

Instead of viewing them as your arch nemesis, ask yourself if maybe they’re going through something difficult and just took it out on you? Maybe you’ve made a similar mistake at some point? Think about their good qualities and then try to realise that maybe they weren’t really out to hurt you.
Forgiving does not mean condoning bad behaviour

You should also bear in mind that forgiving someone isn’t the same thing as excusing or accepting their behaviour. You aren’t leaving yourself open for further abuse, but you also don’t need to hold a grudge.

And never forget the greatest forgiver of all … time. Sometimes you just need to put a little time and space between yourself and the other involved party. But if you find that years later you’re still resentful, it might be time to seek a little extra help to resolve the issue.

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Privacy is a personal choice

There is much written and said these days about privacy. With the development of technology and the phenomenon of online social networking, we are able to expose ourselves and our deepest, darkest thoughts to all and sundry - if we choose.

Personal choice: don't blame Facebook or Twitter

This is true and it is of concern, particularly when it involves youngsters, but are we not overlooking the small matter of personal choice? 

No-one is making anyone put their date of birth and relationship status on their Facebook page. 

If you do not want to announce your new-found love to the world you can choose to keep it private. Nor is anyone forcing you to update your status daily.

Keeping secrets was harder in the old days

In days of yore, when I was young, there was no Facebook (or internet, or TV for that matter), but there were still choices about how much you were prepared to expose of your personal life and loves. 

It was much harder to keep secrets from your family who saw every letter that arrived for you, and could eavesdrop on your telephone conversations, since the only telephone was the big black one in the entrance hall, and conversations could be heard in every corner of the house unless you whispered.

Love letters 

The romantic and love-struck wrote daily snail-mail letters back then and there was a very sweet and nauseating fashion of sealing envelopes with coded messages such as I.T.A.L.Y. (I trust and love you) or H.O.L.L.A.N.D. (Hope our love lasts and never dies). I am surprised these have not found their way onto Facebook … or maybe they have, just not in my limited network.  I can only think that these “secrets” were revealed on the back of envelopes to amuse the postman.

Shouting from the rooftops

I have a theory that some people need to tell the world about their lives, and particularly about their loves. There was a radio programme in my youth, back when radios were the old TV, called Forces Favourites. It aired on a Sunday afternoon and was very popular. 

Young men doing national service, their girlfriends, wives, and even their mothers, would call in and give a live on-air dedication to their lover, or son. Not much privacy there. There were those of us who would not have dreamt of exposing our private lives to the country at large, but there were plenty who were happy to shout their feelings from the rooftops. 


Proposals used to be a private moment

There is a supermarket advertisement on TV at the moment. It’s the apparently true story of a guy who proposes to his girlfriend over the supermarket intercom system. Why?

Whatever happened to a ring in a glass of champagne at an intimate dinner for two, or going down on bended knee while picnicking on a mountain top or next to a babbling brook? 

And apparently they would not now be happily married if they had not had the co-operation of the local supermarket – strange but, apparently, true.

Declarations are the choice of some

In the same way, some people will declare their loves and hates all over their chosen social networking site, while others will keep their intimate moments private and personal.  

Maybe we all just need to stop and think before we post our next status, and decide whether it is something we really want to share with the world in general or whether it would be best kept to ourselves.

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Nine words women use - decoded

We decode these words women use - really useful to partners who want to avoid (further) conflict in their relationships...

(1) Fine
This is the word women use to end an argument when they are right and you need to shut up.

(2) Five minutes
If she is getting dressed, this means a half an hour. Five minutes is only five minutes if you have just been given five more minutes to watch the game before helping around the house.

(3) Nothing
This is the calm before the storm. This means something, and you should be on your toes. Arguments that begin with nothing usually end in fine.

(4) Go ahead
This is a dare, not permission. Don't Do It!

(5) Loud sigh
This is actually a word, but is a non-verbal statement often misunderstood by men. A loud sigh means she thinks you are an idiot and wonders why she is wasting her time standing here and arguing with you about nothing. (Refer back to # 3 for the meaning of nothing.)

(6) That's okay
This is one of the most dangerous statements a women can make to a man. That's okay means she wants to think long and hard before deciding how and when you will pay for your mistake.

(7) Thanks
A woman is thanking you, do not question, or faint. Just say you're welcome. (I want to add in a clause here - This is true, unless she says 'Thanks a lot' - that is PURE sarcasm and she is not thanking you at all. DO NOT say 'you're welcome' That will bring on a 'whatever.


(8) Whatever

Is a woman's way of saying F- YOU!

(9) Don't worry about it, I got it
Another dangerous statement, meaning this is something that a woman has told a man to do several times, but is now doing it herself. This will later result in a man asking 'What's wrong?' For the woman's response refer to # 3.

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Toxic relationships: how to recognise one and remove yourself

It is far too easy to become enmeshed in a toxic relationship … whether it’s a romantic or work relationship or a friendship.
Many people find themselves on the wrong end of an extremely unhealthy relationship and are either too ashamed or too frightened to do anything about it. 
The important thing to remember is that you are not alone and you do not have to tolerate this kind of behaviour.
How to recognise a toxic relationship
The first step to resolving the problem is to recognise it. Toxic relationships generally stem from one participant being dominant and controlling. A controlling personality will stoop to any means necessary to establish and maintain the control that he/she needs.
While this can sometimes involve physical force, more often than not it is psychological pressure which is employed with devastating effect.
Signs and symptoms
If you find yourself constantly being put down, made to feel inferior, made to feel guilty and beginning to believe everything negative you hear about yourself, then chances are good you are in a toxic relationship.
Controlling personalities can use everything from direct insults to sweet talking to manipulation to get you to do what they want and can be quite clever at it.
A controlling personality will try to maintain control by preventing you from having contact with anyone who might see through his/her methods and get you to do the same. If you are being discouraged from having contact with family and friends, this is another strong sign that things are not right.


How to extricate yourself from a toxic relationship
So once you have determined that you are in a toxic relationship, what can you do to get out?  First off, don’t panic and do not feel guilty. An unhealthy relationship is not something you’ll be able to change or improve.
The other person involved genuinely has to want to change and take real steps to do so in order for that to happen, and the chances of this actually working are very slim.
The only real way to get out of the relationship is to take the first step yourself. For the controlling personality, it’s all about maintaining that control, so he/she won’t want to give that up. You need to take back your life by refusing to be a victim.
It is a scary proposition but it is the only real way you have to get back to a healthy way of living, especially if there are children involved.


Make a clean break
In order to stop the cycle of controlling behaviour you must make a clean break. The controlling personality will try and talk you out of leaving, but you have to be strong and refuse to give in.

This is harder to do if children are involved, but it is still important for you to get out of the relationship so that your children realise this behaviour is wrong and don’t end up emulating it themselves.
Being in a toxic relationship is not good for anyone involved. You need to recognise the situation and take the necessary steps to remove yourself from it, no matter how hard it might be.
Don't be afraid to rely on your support system of family and friends for help. You have the strength to stand on your own two feet; don’t cling to any relationship that makes you feel like less than what you truly are.

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PDA: How much is too much?

Public displays of affection can be fun and exciting, but where should you draw the line?
Almost all of us have indulged in public displays of affection (PDA) at some point in time - from the very young to the very old. It can be a fun and exciting part of any relationship - effectively declaring your feelings for your partner in front of the whole world.

However, to what extent are these little displays of love and affection endearing, and when does it just become way too much information for everyone else? (Hint: the couple in the picture are probably going overboard!)


What is okay
Some examples of public displays of affection are perfectly fine and are actually quite endearing. Most people find it very comforting and touching to see a very elderly couple who still enjoy walking together, hand in hand. 

Conversely, most people don’t mind seeing a young couple greet with a hug and a quick peck. (Aren’t they cute?)


What is NOT okay

However, when those quick pecks become long, passionate bouts of swapping saliva, most of the people around you start to get uncomfortable and irritated - you might not notice them because you’re a bit busy, but they’re there.


It's all about context
One of the primary issues to bear in mind is where you are at the time and who’s around you. Extreme public displays of affection are much more acceptable with a group of people the same age and mindset as you (often at high school/college parties where everyone else is engaging in similar behaviour).
This is absolutely not acceptable when there are children or much older people around - like at the mall or walking down the main shopping street in town.

Another key point is how does it really look … soft kisses generally just come across as sweet and don’t bother most people. Lightly lingering hands and gentle touches show that you’re being romantic and are in love.
Groping your girlfriend’s breast or massaging your boyfriend’s rear end like you’re kneading dough is just distasteful to everyone around you.


Keep it covered up
Also, the public doesn’t really want to see flashes of your skin. In the movies it always looks really sexy when the man’s six-pack stomach is exposed or when the cleavage becomes more readily available, but that’s in the movies. In real life, people haven’t been airbrushed into looking like models and those flashes of skin more often look a bit tacky. Save those indulgences for private occasions.

Hands should definitely not disappear into each other’s private bits when in any kind of public environment. It may be hard to remember this in the heat of the moment (so just take that heat home or to a very private, secluded area).
You’re not really turning anyone else on when you do this in public (it’s another one of those situations that looks a lot better in the movies than it does in reality).


Be sensitive to the people around you
You should also be wary of being too affectionate with your partner when around friends. Constantly caressing one another and gazing into each other’s eyes can make you seem completely focused on your significant other, to the exclusion of the people around you. Not only is this insensitive, it’s just rude. 


Be especially mindful when around people or friends who are going through a tough time - if your pal has just been dumped, being constantly reminded of your fantastic relationship could be very painful for them. Remember, there’s a time and a place for everything.

The bottom line is take half a second’s thought about where you are and who’s around you before you go sucking face with the current object of your affection.

Do you really want to scare those little kids for the rest of their lives with images they wouldn’t be allowed to watch on TV?

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From innocent friendship to affair

You or your partner's new friendship with someone of the opposite sex may be perfectly harmless, but when partners start sharing frustrations, hopes and dreams with the new friend instead of you, it can lead to an affair.

I'm reading Committed, the sequel to Eat, Pray, Lovewhich author Elizabeth Gilbert describes as being about "a sceptic making peace with marriage".
Faced with the prospect of remarrying - after a painful divorce left her vowing never to say "I do" again - she researches marriage in different cultures, as well as what eminent psychologists have uncovered in their research on the topic.

She unearthed some interesting findings that I found so profound I just had to share them with you (information that might just save your marriage one day):

Essentially there is no harm in married partners forming friendships with the opposite sex as long as these frienships remain in the right places within the "house" that is your marriage.

Psychologist Shirley Glass believes marriages (or relationships) are comprised of walls and windows - glass spaces where friends and family can see in and have access to, and walls behind which your most intimate secrets, feelings and private moments are protected and remain private between the two of you.

It is when the boundaries between walls and windows blur or are broken down that affairs can take place. This is how it happens:

Men often defend their affairs with the cliche "My wife doesn't understand me"

A lame excuse for an affair (for which there is never any justification, if you ask me: have the guts to divorce your partner if you have the uncontrollable urge to have sex with someone else, then at least you don't become a liar and a cheat too!) but one that is often used to justify the cheating.

Translate "doesn't understand me" to "doesn't hear me" or "doesn't listen to me" and you can see how a breakdown in communication can lead to big trouble in a marriage.

The problem is further compounded when he starts to open up to his new female friend - who doeslisten

If you and your partner are not best friends, and the other partner starts to look outside the marriage for a confidential friendship, intimacy can develop from this new relationship. 

And even if the friendships are with people of the same sex, but you are sharing secrets that you can't or won't share with your partner, there is a betrayal of some sort, which has developed due to the new secrecy in your marriage or relationship.

Here's how that new friendship can lead to an affair

Say one of you is frustrated in your job, but each time you try to talk to your partner about it, he or she is too busy or preoccupied to listen. You turn to your new best friend, who seems to be always there for you.

Many married people who embark on affairs vow that they never meant to cheat on their spouse and the affair "just happened". Which is often completely true, by the way. (We're not talking about serial sex addicts here but ordinary, decent human beings.)

This is how the situation looks to them, but by cultivating an intimate (although originally harmless) friendship with a member of the opposite sex, they were (often unknowingly) setting themselves up for an affair.

Now say one day, you or your partner has a terrible fight with your boss and you're very upset or even in tears. The new best friend knocks on your door to see how you're doing. A comforting hug or shoulder to cry on may turn into a lingering kiss. And voila! The passion is ignited and the affair begins.
Weeks or months down the line you're standing among the ruins of your life; your marriage is over, your home is no longer and your children hate you for destroying the family. And all because you decided to confide in someone else instead of your spouse.

I'm not saying that busy partners are completely to blame for the other partner's affair, or that all marriages can be saved by opening up to your spouse, but it's worth trying to rekindle the friendship you once had with each other if you don't really talk enough anymore.  

Make 2011 the year that you become best friends with your spouse or partner again: it may just save your marriage one day.

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How many frogs must we kiss?

Is there really such a thing as a 'decent, normal' man?
I would like to know how many 'frogs' (read: slimy/ugly/silly men) a woman has to date / kiss before finding a decent man?

I am starting to think that even the decent ones end up faulty at some stage – almost like they always had some 'inner frog' qualities that they managed to hide really well until one day they just 'leapt' out into the open. Perhaps a case of frog dressed as man?

I have a friend who dated a guy who was all wine, roses and rainbows ... until he got what he wanted (a couple of times) and then as if by magic he, Mr. Wonderful, was turned into the proverbial frog man (not taking her calls, making excuses not to see her, etc.). She did some investigating and turns out he was a bed hopper of note. He used the same technique over and over again – swept women off their feet, into his bed and then dropped them like a hot plate.

Traits of frog men:

• Croak sweet nothings into your ear (emphasis on nothing because it's all lies and empty promises)
• Bed hopping
• Can't keep his hands off the fly – of your pants!
• Just like the animal version, frog men tend to hunt at night (usually where there is water, i.e. a bar with lots of beer)
• If you ever come into contact with one of these things – I suggest you pull a leap frog move and get out of there fast!

Would love to hear if any of you have had similar experiences?

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How secrets can make you ill

Keeping secrets from your partner doesn't just make you untrustworthy, it can also make you sick...
We all have secrets. Some are simple, some are serious, and some are dangerous. The fact is that most of us have something to hide from each other. Is it okay to keep secrets? It is good for you? Experts do not think so…


Secrets create distance in relationships
When you keep a secret from your partner, you are aware that you are not being totally honest with him. It makes you feel a little distant and creates a tiny rift in your relationship. As your secrets grow, the rift keeps growing. So, it is never a good idea to keep a secret from your partner. 

The worst part about keeping serious secrets like medical conditions, extramarital affairs, debts, and abuse is that it makes you behave like a completely different person. When you have something to hide from someone, you need to maintain a façade all the time. 

You need to come up with a hundred lies to cover one. It requires constant vigilance, which makes you behave as if someone is constantly watching you.


What happens when the truth comes out?
The problem with a secret is that it never stays one. When your partner or your friend comes to know about it, it shatters their trust completely. It often means the end of your relationship.


The effect of deceit on your health
Experts say that keeping serious secrets results in an inner conflict that takes a toll on your mental and physical health. You often wonder if you are doing the right thing by keeping the secret or if you should reveal it to someone. 

You try hard to suppress your thoughts and emotions. You feel alone, helpless, anxious, and worried. This state of mind can cause stress, which is one of the most common causes of health problems in men and women today. 

Prolonged anxiety and stress can lead to a number of problems including chronic headaches, eating disorders, digestive disorders, and high blood pressure.
The guilt associated with keeping secrets can make people irritable and depressed. Some people try to forget everything by smoking, drinking, or taking drugs excessively.
Such dangerous addictions can not only make the person feel empty and dissolute, but can also increase the risk of various diseases like cancer and heart problems significantly.


How to avoid secrecy
The best way to avoid these problems is to be completely honest and open with your partner and friends. If the very thought of opening up to your partner or friend makes you feel uneasy, try consulting a therapist. It is always a good start.

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Keeping love alive

How can you prevent romance from fading in your relationship? Here is some advice for keeping love alive through difficult times...

Falling in love is easy. Staying in love, however, is hard. While going through a tough time, many couples turn bitter and resentful and find it difficult to stay together.

This brings us to the question – how to keep love alive during difficult times? 

The right perception

Think of your marriage as a plant that needs to be carefully nurtured. A neglected or overlooked marriage is bound to fail. So, both of you need to work together to make sure your relationship remains a source of love, affection, and emotional support.
Realising this important fact is the first step to a successful relationship. 

The importance of communication 

Talk to each other openly. Strong communication is the foundation of a relationship. It is especially important if you are going through a rough patch. Tell your partner how you feel and get to know how he feels. Both of you need to feel that you have a shoulder to lean on when things are difficult. 

Genuine appreciation for each other

Words of appreciation can work like magic. Deep down inside, everyone wants to be appreciated for his or her uniqueness. Compliment your partner’s physical appearance, skills, maturity, intelligence, behaviour, unique character traits, and anything else you like.
By praising your partner, you send a clear message that you do not take the relationship for granted and you genuinely appreciate everything your partner does for you. 

Forget and forgive 

Everyone makes mistakes. You and your partner are no exception to this rule. The best way to move forward is to forgive each other and forget the incident completely. Never hold on to old hurt and nag your partner constantly by pointing out something he did years back. No good can ever come out of it. 

Service is noble

Express your love by serving your partner. Cook a romantic dinner, clean your house, or do anything you think will please him. It is one of the simplest ways to show your partner how much he means to you. 

The joy of gifting

Gift him something nice. It need not be very expensive. Even a simple card that says ‘I love you’ with a smiley can make him feel very special. Similarly, when he gifts you something, let him know that you love it. People always feel touched when their love is reciprocated. So, surprise your loved one with gifts. 

Spending time together

Turn off the TV. Switch off the PC. Leave the magazines and newspapers on the coffee table. Sit in a quiet place and talk to each other.
Today’s fast-paced lifestyle leaves people with very little time to spend with each other. Why waste it on TV or something equally unnecessary?
Once in a while, shut off the outside world and spend some quality time with your loved one. It will be a very rewarding experience. 


The courage to admit mistakes

When you make a mistake, admit it. Say that you feel bad. If you cannot muster up the courage to say sorry, you will start looking for something or someone to blame. Once the blame game starts, it never ends. So be the bigger person and admit your mistakes. 

Rejuvenate your sex life

You can rejuvenate your relationship by spicing up your sex life. Try dirty talk, role play, or anything else that you have not tried before. Share your fantasies with your man and ask him to do the same. Infusing some novelty into your love life is one of the best ways to keep love and romance alive in your relationship. 

The importance of breathing space

A healthy relationship requires some breathing space. No matter how compatible you are, you cannot be together all the time. So spend some time alone. It can be rejuvenating for your soul and can help you realize how much you miss your partner. 

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Men, women and narcissism

At what point does self belief stop being healthy and turn into abuse?
We are told from a very early age that we are the best creatures on earth and that we can accomplish anything we set our minds to. The unfortunate few who are told otherwise when they are small, of course turn into psychopaths or accountants.
But for some of us, as we grow older, this self belief fades in the wake of the trials and tribulations that life throws at us. A great number of people walk among us with low self confidence, shyness and a lack of the self belief they once had as a child.
For most people it would be more fun to be set alight than to go to a job interview, or start a conversation with a stranger.

It’s not like that for everyone though
Have you ever met someone who had a grandiose sense of self-importance, someone who acted with a lack of responsibility and an inflated self-esteem? Did this arrogant, haughty behaviour irritate you? It probably did. For most of us, this obnoxious conduct is just not normal.
But I bet you that a part of you wished that you could have some of those qualities! Some of those ingredients do make your life easier when you are not so much a follower.

Narcissism in men

A study once showed that three out of four narcissists are men. That does not really surprise me; men have always felt it necessary to compete with each other and to boast their accomplishments in order to attract females and stand out from the crowd.
Men are constantly told that only the strongest survive in school, sport, business and ultimately, in life.
The weak end up with no friends, a lot of cats and a large knife collection at home. Add this to the fact that most men never really grow up, and this statistic makes a lot of sense.


Narcissism in women
There is lately however an increase in narcissistic behaviour in women. With women being more empowered and having equal rights, the drive for them to compete has increased as well.
The problem we have with full blown narcissism though, is not just an irritating, know-it-all, loud-mouthed person taking over every situation.
We get men that turn into abusive partners, they lose the ability to differentiate between a healthy, assertive leading role in the workplace and instead have an aggressive, dominating demeanour everywhere.
Women, on the other hand, concentrate on their appearance and this sometimes leads to eating disorders. They will also flaunt and exploit their physical charms, their sexuality and their femininity. In its extreme form this behaviour is known as HPD, or Histrionic Personality Disorder.

What we can learn from narcissists

Freud was of course the first person to coin the term ‘narcissism’, and he believed that it is actually an essential part in all of us.
It is the first internal drive that forces us to be loved, as a baby, we rightly demand total care and attention from our parents and ultimately this teaches us to love others as well. As with most things in life, though, it all comes down to balance.
You do not want to shout at everybody telling them how wonderful you are and how lucky the world is to have you, but you also do not want to be a doormat forever.

We can look at loud, obnoxious people and learn from them. The problem they have is that they behave like that everywhere. Like a sports car that can only do flat out all the time, they are going to run over someone and hurt them sooner or later.

We all have a place where we are quietly confident, a place that we feel in charge and assertive, even if no one else is around. It can be a sport we participate in, it can be the kitchen or even when we are singing in the shower.
It’s a place where we feel in control. These are places where our good inner narcissistic side comes out.
We should think of and draw inspiration from that and call upon those feelings when we are in difficult or strange new situations.
Remember that knowledge is not wisdom - wisdom is the ability to make the right choices. And the right choice is to look out for yourself first, but never at the expense of others.

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Does he fancy me? Translating body language

Body language is the most important indicator of how a man feels about you. Here’s how to translate his body language...

Picture the scene. You and your friends are having a ladies’ night at a popular night spot. You notice an attractive man across the room and his eyes pass over your side of the room, eventually meeting your gaze. How do you know if he's flirting with you?

Statistics show that a mere 7% of true communication is verbal
38% depends on your voice and tone and 55% depends on your body language. Learn to identify the signals the body unconsciously gives off and read any situation you find yourself in.

What his face reveals - watch those eyebrows
Watch his eyebrows when you meet for the first time. If he finds you attractive, his eyebrows will raise up for a split second. If he raises his eyebrows (almost as if surprised) during your conversation, you are doing well!

Eye contact is a dead giveaway. If he holds your gaze for a while longer than normal, this is a signal that he finds you interesting.



When he likes what he sees, his pupils will dilate and he may blink more often

In the beginning, during conversation he will look from your one eye to your other eye and then shift down to the bridge of your nose. As he becomes keener, this will extend downwards to your lips and beyond. He may flare his nostrils slightly and part his lips to make his face appear wider, which is a typical male flirting signal.

Watch what he does with his body

His stance will tell you a lot. He will turn his body and feet towards you and will make gestures that make him appear larger and taller, such as stretching, flexing his muscles or pulling himself up straight and tall.  

He may also stand with his hands on his hips, hook his thumbs into his belt loops or place his hands on his belt buckle to appear bigger. This action also subtly draws your attention to his virility (genital region).

If his head is tilted to one side, his legs are spread apart slightly and his tummy is pulled in with his chest pushed out, he is trying to impress you!
Some guys may smooth their hair and adjust their collars, ties or sleeves when flirting.

Mirror, mirror... you start to mimic his body language 

You may notice during the conversation that he mirrors your actions. You begin to move 'in sync' with each other. Here you can use body language to your advantage by consciously mirroring his actions. 
Do not copy his every move immediately or he may think you are either mocking him or he’s chatting to an escaped inmate from the local asylum! Casually adopt his pose and copy his actions naturally to show him that you are on the same wavelength as he is.


Lost in translation: body language applies to you too


Hopefully you now know what signals to look out for when next interacting with someone. Bear in mind that these are only guidelines and may not apply to every man. Use your intuition and trust your instincts.  

Remember, body language applies to us all. The first impression we give to others is not just about what we say, what we are wearing or what we look like. Our gestures and subtle actions express far more than we realize. 
So smile your beautiful smile, pull back your shoulders and hold your head up high for all the world to see. Happy flirting!

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The new age of relationships

What does having hundreds of virtual 'friends' mean for your real relationships?
If you were told ten years ago that you will go to bed at night and know exactly what all your friends did on that day without physically calling them, or that you will wake up in the morning and read what other people are having for breakfast, you surely would have laughed at them. 

If they had told you that you will have the ability to know where your friends and others are without them telling you, you probably would’ve called them crazy.

But reality has changed. No longer do you need physical contact to be in contact. No longer do you need to pick up the phone, send a letter or make an appointment to see friends. Social media changed the way we live today.

But is this for the good? 
I have nothing against technology and the way things are done today. I am a big fan of social media and networking. I find it great that we can keep up to date and that knowledge is at the tip of our fingers.  

Social networking sites are great for keeping up with old friends. However, old friends still get married without inviting you. People get engaged and you still don’t realise immediately.  

Friends start families and you only realise it when the baby gets born. Is this because we are in such a rushed world, or because we have learned how to live with not making an effort to know what goes on anymore?
Have we stopped caring?

The world is not a big place anymore and technology and the internet have made the impossible possible. That's great!
We can send big files instantly, search for knowledge and keep up to date with people who may have moved far away or drifted for other reasons.
A false sense of closeness
I think the problem comes in when eventually you want to keep up with so many old friends that you still don't know what’s happening in their lives. 
Social networking is therefore great for keeping in contact with close friends, but rather a waste of time for keeping up to date with other friends if you are not going to invest one day per month to check their profiles.  

"Although the numbers of friends people have on these sites can be massive, the actual number of close friends is approximately the same in the face to face real world," said Will Reader, Sheffield Hallam University.
A study found that most people have lots of friends on social networks, but of all the friends, they will still have around five close friends.

A recent study concluded the contrary, however. The survey did include mostly web enthusiasts, though, which could have somewhat influenced the results, but 85% said that the internet improved their relationships and that this will and should continue in the future. 

The things people could possibly long for

I miss the days of writing letters. I remember back in the day when we sent little notes to each other in class, not a message over Mxit, or whatever the next big thing is. 
I remember when boyfriends still wrote physical love letters, letters that smelled like the writer, and took you ages to read because of the handwriting.  Nowadays I only get love letters over Facebook, or maybe a neatly typed letter once a year.   

So yes, the internet is wonderful, but we have to remember who our true friends are and treasure a personal relationship. 
We have to remember who we are and not rely so much on the internet and technology to define us. If possible, we need to make time to see the people that matter most to us.

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Verbal abuse: why you need to get out!

What’s the difference between verbal and physical abuse? There is no difference. We constantly hear about counselling and protection centres available for physically abused people, but not much mention is given publically about verbal abuse.  

Don’t let anyone control you

The basic definition of verbal abuse is the use of language for the purposes of control by someone with a low regard for him or herself. The operative word here is control.  

No relationship will be a good one if one person wants or has control! 

If you stay in the relationship and let that person control you, you will become compliant. The abuse chips away at your self esteem and self worth, and no human being deserves that or should put up with it. There is no physical evidence to the outside world of this kind of abuse, so it leaves you battling emotionally with a deep and hurtful secret.

Don’t waste your life in a verbally abusive relationship

It also leaves you doubting yourself, wondering if it’s your fault or if you’re the cause of such unreasonable abuse. If you can honestly say that you do not provoke this behaviour, plan your exit. Why waste your energy on learning how to deal with it? It won’t change. That person has issues, not you.

Never lower your principles

It’s a scary decision to make, and more difficult to up and leave if you have children to consider, but if you continue to tolerate the abuse, you’re lowering your values. You’re coming down to the other person’s low regard for respect and appreciation – and they have won! You will live your life avoiding situations and losing your independence and personality.

Verbally abused? Get out!

Leave – or tell them to leave until they’ve learnt (with professional help) to respect you and the relationship. Don’t let it get you down anymore – look in the mirror and laugh, and say I am beautiful – every day. No person has the right to verbally abuse another, and if they can’t recognize that they’re doing it, get out of the situation.

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How worthy do you feel?

Women nowadays are very strong and independent. We compete in a 'man’s world' and still strive to balance our work with a warm and well run home. We take care of the kids, cook the dinner and a lot of us still do the daily chores of cleaning and maintaining the house. 

So after we’ve come back from a long day at the office, cleaned and fed the kids and hubbie, washed the dishes, put in the laundry is it any small wonder that we don’t feel like having sex?

Are you taken for granted?

In actual fact, most women are very capable of doing all these things and then still making themselves sexy for their man afterwards, but a lot don’t want to. 

Why should women be constantly giving, without being appreciated?

If it’s an expectation to put out for your man at the end of the night when he hasn’t lifted a finger to help with the kids or around the house, is it any wonder that all we want to do is curl up with a good book before bed?

Women nowadays need strong open-minded men

If you look back in time, women relied on men for everything. They were stay at home housewives who doted on their men and catered to their every whim. Women have become progressively more independent, so it only makes sense that the type of man we need would also change. 

We don’t necessarily need a man to pay the bills, so we instead look for a man that strives for excellence in every aspect of his life.


Do you have the guts to only accept what you’re looking for in a man?

How often do we settle? This is a combination of not really knowing what it is that we’re looking for in a man, and if we know, thinking we’ll never find it. 

I say, write it down. It doesn’t matter if the list takes up a full A4 page. You can say he must be honest, sensitive, spiritual, good looking, wealthy, intelligent, or any other attributes you’re looking for.

Think you’re asking for a lot? I think not. I think you’re worth it and if you want it, should go for it!

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Do soul mates really exist?

If time is infinite, do you really want some people to be there for all of it?
Someone once asked me that very same question and I told her, because she asked me on a Tuesday, that I am going to give her my cynical answer and that would be, no I don’t.


We are human beings, which means we are gregarious by nature
We love the company of others and we are wary of loners. We rightfully think that people who enjoy isolation are weird, that they have a large knife collection at home, will one day snap, come to work and shoot their co-workers in the face.
From an early age we have an inborn urge to meet people and socialise. Whether this is to make sure our species survives, or because loneliness is one of our top 10 fears, who knows?


But there is just too much randomness
You don’t even have to be a subscriber to the multiple worlds theory to know that our one universe is vast enough. It’s hard not to think that people just hook up randomly, release chemicals to mask the other person’s flaws and then try to make the best of it.


Sure, we all have an idea in our head of what our perfect match should be like one day, but unfortunately we are an impatient bunch
Even when people have nothing more in common than the two hands and feet they were born with, they will still hook up and then wonder years later why they can’t stand each other anymore.
It has just been Valentine’s Day; women all over the world were spoiled with fake smiles, clichés and hidden agendas, all while men silently refer to this day as a money-making scheme invented by bored land-stealing communists.
Surely that is not how it should be; people meant for each other should be spoiled because it is Wednesday, or because the wind blew funny, not because Johnny Marketing Company said so.


What exactly is a soul mate anyway?
I know what you are thinking; most people you meet don’t even have a soul to begin with, so how can it be defined?
Dante’s Inferno is a poem written in the 14th century about a man called Dante Alighieri who goes into hell to save the love of his life, Beatrice’s soul. He battles through the nine gates of hell, with just the hope of seeing her again driving him forth. Most people I know won’t even open the garden gate for their lover, never mind the nine gates of hell.
Plato, a Greek philosopher, wrote a story called The Symposium, in which he describes how humans originally consisted of four arms, four legs, and a single head made of two faces, but Zeus feared their power and split them all in half, condemning them to spend their lives searching for the other half to complete them.
It does sound like he was indeed smoking his sandals when he wrote that, but what it shows is that even in ancient times philosophers thought of us as incomplete or lacking in some way. Is that what defines a soul mate, someone who is willing to sacrifice their own soul, or someone who completes yours?



It is not always black or white
I have to admit, it is one of the hardest questions to answer, because on some fairytale romantic level we are probably all looking for that one special person, but what are the odds of actually finding them?
Maybe they are out there and if you are extremely lucky you do end up together. Maybe we do meet them, but because of all the things I said above they are not always available the way we would like them to be.
All I know is that human relationships are very fickle, be they romantic or otherwise. It can take years to forge trust, love and respect, but a brief moment can break the bonds forever. People come and go in our lives like fashion trends. Make sure your own soul is worthy of being someone’s mate first and who knows, maybe the rest will follow.

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Relax...and keep the spark alive

Women get so caught up with everyday demands - from our jobs, to the kids, to household chores, to the bills and what’s for dinner – that we actually forget to relax and have fun!

Be spontaneous

As a relationship gets more serious and longer down the line, we tend to lose our spontaneity and overlook the fun things that brought us and our partner together. We need to make an effort to slow down, and keep up that sex appeal so that the spark doesn’t fade.

Skip the make-up

We also get caught up with fashion, product and general body image, and most of us are almost conditioned into wanting to, and having to, look good all the time. 
Any man will tell you that there’s nothing nicer than looking at a well groomed woman who makes an effort with her appearance, but there’s another side to a woman that he appreciates; a side that’s relaxed about skipping the beauty routine for the day, to take time out with him, without all the dolling up.

Do things together

Stay in bed with him all day, or stay in your PJs and mess around the house – get wet and dirty washing the cars with him, paint the fence, or get drunk together around a braai for lunch.


Revamp the sex

Think about how much sex you had in the early stages of your relationship, and put things aside at nights to rekindle that. The more stuff you think you need to do in the evenings, and the later you get to bed, the more you won’t feel like it. Make time too to relax and chat, without the TV!

Let your hair down

Let him see a side to you that can rough it for a weekend (even if you need to remind him it’ll be an occasional thing). Go camping, go fishing, go hiking – without the make-up and stylish outfits.

Have fun with your man. Learn to relax. It’s good for your relationship, and your health.

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