If you want to communicate better and connect deeper with
the people in your life, the first thing you have to do is
connect with yourself first.
How can you hope to communicate clearly and form a connection
of the heart with others if you don't know what you're feeling?
The simple answer is-you can't.
Your emotions are signposts from your inner wisdom. If you
are conscious of what you are feeling in the moment, your
emotions can signal an imbalance in your life and help you
move to understanding and then to resolution of a situation
or problem.
Most of us were taught as children to hide what we were
feeling and many of us came from families where certain
emotions just weren't allowed. In many families, certain
emotions like anger were either hidden or expressed in
unhealthy ways. Many people have learned to show only the
emotions that they think are acceptable to other people and
to hide those that they learned were "unacceptable."
We do many things to keep from feeling emotions that are
painful. We "numb out" by eating chocolate, over spending,
having sex, watching television, having a few alcoholic
drinks, over working or keeping busy with numerous activities.
What we have discovered is, the only way to communicate
honestly is to first recognize that a feeling has come up to
signal that something isn't right. We then share these
feelings as soon as we become aware of them. This means
honoring all of our feelings not just the ones that are
pleasant and acceptable. When we do this, feelings don't
get buried in resentment and come up later when we least
expect them to do so.
Every time you reach for that box of cookies, that glass of
wine, or remote control when you are angry, sad, frustrated,
or lonely, stop yourself. Sit quietly, relax and breathe
deeply. Find your center, and go to that place where it's
safe enough where you don't have to hide from your feelings.
Really examine what's going on inside of you.
We've found that by identifying what we are feeling, where
we are feeling it and then breathing into that place in
our bodies, we are able to speak about it to each other.
When we can do that, we are better able to be authentic
with one another. Very often we've found that a painful
emotion will dissipate simply by acknowledging that it is
there.
Don't be afraid of your (or anyone's) emotions. They are
your guides. The exception, of course, is if you feel you
are in physical danger or if you are feeling that your emotions
might cause you to hurt another person. Then it's time to
get help from a professional.
Notice how you are feeling all of the time. Set it as your
intention to be aware of your emotions as much of the time
as possible.
Sometimes it takes us a couple of days to really figure out
what's at the bottom of a disconnection we might be having
between the two of us. Because our connection and our
relationship are more important than anything to us, we are
committed to helping each other get to a better feeling place.
Once we figure out what's going on within us, we're committed
to sharing this information with each other as soon as possible.
This way, we know where the other is coming from emotionally,
eliminating any guessing games, assumptions, or resentments.
We've also found that as we continue to work with our emotions,
it is taking less time than it used to take when there is
disconnection between us to become aware of what's going on
inside, connect with our own inner wisdom, and regain our
connection.
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So now it's your turn to look at how you deal with your
feelings.
1) What emotions were acceptable and unacceptable in
your family as you were growing up?
2) What emotions did you learn to hide and are you still
hiding them?
3) Do you do anything to keep yourself from feeling
"unacceptable" emotions? If so, what do you do?
4) What intention or agreement can you make with yourself
or your partner to help you to feel your emotions and share
them so that you are more authentic in your communication?
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TIPS for feeling your emotions
1) Take time each day to practice quieting your mind
chatter. You don't have to do any complicated meditation.
A few moments of a quiet mind several times a day at your
desk at work will do wonders for you.
2) Practice tuning into what you are feeling, emotionally
and physically, when your mind is quiet.
3) If there is pain or stress in your body, bring your
breath into that area and breathe until you feel the sensation
lessening.
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