Communication E-Course- Day 2‏

A Common Complaint...

What about when you are trying to communicate with someone 
who you feel is closed-minded, set in their ways and not at 
all like you?

A woman said she was having a challenge with her partner because he was so set 
in his ways and closed-minded to changes in their relationship 
or within her. As we thought about her problem, we realized 
that two things were really going on here. She expected her 
partner to be someone other than who he was. 

She also didn't recognize that she was the one doing most of 
the changing in the relationship and she, consciously or 
unconsciously, expected him to go right along with her in 
whatever growth process she had been going through. This 
was a mistake for her to believe that her growth process 
was the same as his. 

Once again, she has to expect differences in her partner 
and embrace them. This is something she wasn't doing. If 
she wants to regain the connection between the two of them, 
one of the biggest things she has to do is to embrace their 
differences. We realize that this is not always possible 
and if she perceives the chasm is too wide between them, 
then she'll have other decisions to make about the future 
of their relationship. 

We believe that there is a reason that we are together with 
another person in any relationship. We believe that we come 
together with someone who may or may not appear to be our 
opposite to help us with our personal growth in ways that 
may not seem apparent. 

By demonstrating a different way of being, another person 
may be giving you the opportunity to grow in new directions 
and expand your life. That's exactly what the two of us 
discovered when we came together and started working together. 

We learn how to appreciate each other's skills, asking "What can I learn 
from you" rather than trying to change you to be more like 
me. 

Of course we revert to old habits every now and then. When 
we do, we should recommit to our agreements to regain our connection. 
We've discovered that when we embrace and honor our 
differences instead of tug against them, we communicate better 
and strengthen our connection and our love.

We've found that even if there doesn't seem to be anything 
we are learning by interacting with another person, it may 
be that you are with this person to see, by the power of 
contrast, what you don't want for yourself. By acknowledging 
that this person is also a teacher for us, there seems to 
be a softening and better energy flow between the two people 
who seem at odds with each other. 

In so many relationships, many of us have the unconscious or 
conscious desire that all would be well if you could be just 
like me! We suggest that if you explore looking at other 
people's differences as growth opportunities instead of 
stumbling blocks, we think you will discover deeper, more 
satisfying connections with others in your life.

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Now, we invite you to think of a relationship where there 
are differences between the two of you that drive you crazy 
and create communication problems and answer the following 
questions: 

1) Describe this person, your relationship and the 
differences between the two of you. What drives you crazy 
about this person? 



2) Has there been any other time in your past when anyone 
else has acted in a similar way? If so, describe the 
similarities between your partner and this person. Is it 
possible that there are patterns that you are repeating in 
this relationship that you may not be aware of?


3) Describe what you can learn and how you can grow if 
you are open to learning from these differences and not 
resisting them or trying to change the other person. If 
there isn't anything that you feel you can learn from this 
person that will help you to grow, what is this person 
showing you, by the power of contrast, that you do not 
want. Acknowledge that this person is also your teacher.

Here are examples: 
"I can learn how to better handle money by watching how my 
partner does it." 

"I know that I do not want to eat the fatty foods my partner 
eats but I realize that she is a great teacher for me because 
I now know how much I value eating healthy foods." 

"I've learned a great deal from my partner about how to be 
kind when I want to blame or lash out at someone else."




4) What is one thing you can begin doing right now that 
will help you acknowledge and honor the other's differences 
and improve communication between the two of you?

For example: "I can begin to listen and to contribute to the 
discussion when my partner talks about money."




5) What are some agreements that you would like to make, 
either with yourself or with the other person, about the 
differences between the two of you?

For example: "I agree to honor the way you choose to eat 
without being critical." 



For the next few days, practice changing your viewpoint about 
your partner's or other people's differences. Remember, you 
do not have to adopt anything that doesn't resonate with you 
or allow someone to be harmful to you with their actions. 

But stand back and allow others to have their own 
experiences, as you have yours. When you start to judge, 
remember that this is a gift to you, a chance to broaden 
yourself. Open your heart and allow the differences to 
bring you together instead of tear you apart. 

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TIPS for embracing differences

1) Expect them.

2) Embrace and accept them.

3) Listen carefully to the other person.

4) Allow the other person to talk without becoming 
defensive and without interruption when the other person is 
sharing about what's important to them.

5) Take your turn to talk and ask that the other person 
listen to you without interruption