Has this ever happened to you? Somebody says something to
you that immediately triggers negativity that seems to be
an overblown reaction to the situation. You don't have a
clue why you are so upset and you wonder just where that
feeling came from. Your reaction may be to lash out at the
other person or withdraw emotionally and/or physically.
Tony Robbins would call this a 'negative anchor'--something
that is said or something that is experienced that you
consciously or unconsciously associate with a previous
negative event.
We've discovered that what's really going on, in cases like
this, is that you have been pulled out of the present moment.
Whether you're conscious of it or not something triggered you
to go into a behavior pattern that you have gone into many
times before. This potentially destructive pattern is probably
something you aren't aware of in the moment. It may or may
not be familiar to you, but in any case, it probably doesn't
serve you or your relationships in a positive way.
What most of us do when communication gets difficult...
You've probably heard the words "fight, flight or freeze"
many times before. For most of us, being familiar with these
words still doesn't stop us from going into one of these
patterns when we find ourselves in difficult situations.
We've learned that most people go into 'fight, flight or
freeze' to protect themselves from painful feelings that
are difficult or impossible to experience at the time they
are happening. But, the problem is many people get stuck
in this pattern, repeating it over and over, when it is no
longer necessary.
These three defense mechanisms are useful sometimes in our
lives, but if you want to begin the healing process and
create close, connected, alive relationships, you have to
be willing to explore what you are feeling and have the
courage to change this reaction.
We think that the goal is to be so conscious and aware of
what we are feeling that when we get triggered by what
someone says or does, we are able to simply recognize and
express what we are feeling without fear, judgment or blame
and without jumping into past patterns.
Fight, Flight or Freeze can manifest in a number of
different ways. All three of these reactions stem from the
fear that your wants and needs won't be met. For example,
fighting doesn't necessarily mean putting on the gloves and
throwing things at each other.
Fighting can mean holding on to the need to be right, staying
stuck in your anger, or holding on to the desire for
validation and to be understood. It can also mean yelling
and physically lashing out. Fighting is holding your ground
with your "rightness" no matter what.
Fleeing (flight) doesn't only mean running away physically.
It most often manifests as withdrawing emotionally to protect
yourself so you won't have to speak or feel painful feelings
and emotions. Fleeing can be turning on the television,
eating or going to visit a friend instead of dealing with
the situation. When you flee or run from what's going on
emotionally or physically, the issues are there and won't
go away until you come back and deal with them.
Freezing means getting stuck and not being able to move
from the impasse of the situation. It can also mean
shutting down emotionally so you won't feel the pain of an
unpleasant situation. Very often we freeze because we don't
know what to do next, don't have the confidence in our
abilities or in ourselves, or have the belief that our life
situation will be different beyond this moment. Many people
who are frozen and are feeling stuck in their situations have
adopted the belief that it's better to deal with the devil
you know than the devil you don't know. Because of this,
they stay stuck right where they are in situations they are
unhappy with and which do not serve them.
When you find yourself reacting in one of those three ways
with the people in your life, stop your normal pattern and
reaction. Take a few moments to recognize what it is you're
thinking and feeling. Come into the present moment, allow
yourself to feel your feelings and express them if
appropriate to do so.
No matter how much fighting, fleeing, or freezing seems to
be serving you in the moment, the undeniable truth is that
when you are stuck in any of these patterns, it is impossible
to communicate from your heart with the people in your life.
We've discovered that one of the best ways to move from
these patterns is to come into the present moment.
One way you can tell if you're not in the present moment,
is if you've got a lot of mental chatter going on in your
mind. Mental chatter can come in many forms, like judging
others and yourself, living in the past or making
assumptions about the future. Whatever form it takes,
your mental chatter blocks you from hearing and understanding
others and allows very little chance for true connection
with yourself and with other people.
****************************
Here's an exercise to help you to gain a better
understanding of how these patterns work in your life.
Close your eyes and feel yourself in a situation where you
have been in a fight, flight or freeze pattern. Just feel
what happens in your body. Tune into yourself and feel what
you are feeling right now, where you are feeling it and
breathe into that place within yourself. Keep breathing
until you feel the feeling soften and the pattern leaving.
Bring yourself into the present moment and acknowledge that
you have used this pattern for your protection in the past
but maybe it doesn't serve you any longer. Write your
experience here.
Answer the following questions for further self-discovery
about staying in the present moment:
1. Which of these patterns do you most frequently go
into and how does it manifest in your daily life?
2. What agreement can you make with yourself or with
another person about staying in the present moment and
healing your fight, flight or freeze patterns?
*********************************
TIPS for coming into the present moment
1) Practice the Tips for feeling your feelings in the
previous lesson.
2) Focus on what's happening right here, right now--with
the person who is in front of you.
3) Notice if your reaction to the situation seems
overblown and much more intense that you think the situation
warrants.
4) Ask yourself if this situation reminds you of anything
that has happened in the past with this person or another
person.
5) If yes, this may be a pattern that you need to heal
within yourself by doing some forgiveness work, letting go
of past resentments or setting boundaries in your personal
life.
6) If you experience mental chatter that blocks you
from communicating to connect with other people, practice
taking 1 or 2 minute breaks throughout the day. Take a break
from all of the projects and chaos in your life. Quiet your
mind and concentrate on your breathing. Slow your breathing
down and allow thoughts to float by without being attached
to them. You've probably heard this before, but this time
actually try it for at least one day. If you do, you will
notice a calmness and a sense of presence that you haven't
had before.
******************
A common complaint that many people share with us is that
they are having a great deal of difficulty communicating
with a partner who has shut down emotionally. He or she
is almost certainly locked in "fight, flight or freeze."
Here are some ideas to help you and your partner move from
these patterns and create a more loving relationship:
TIPS for improving communication with a partner who is
locked in "fight, flight or freeze" and emotionally shut
down
1) Find a way to let your partner know that you are
their friend and not the enemy.
2) Explain what you are seeing, feeling and thinking
and experiencing in the moment without judging. One way
you might be able to do this is compare and contrast these
feelings with how you felt when the two of you were
communicating at your best and when you were truly happy.
Share with your partner specific differences that you can
point out between then and what's happening in this moment.
Make sure that you admit that you have contributed to these
changes in your relationship. Realize that there are probably
some resentments and painful truths between both of you that
have to be unearthed before this can be resolved.
3) Understand that if your partner has shut down
emotionally, chances are that both of you are acting in
ways that keep this behavior going. Admitting your patterns
may open the door for a new dialog between the two of you.
4) If your partner refuses to admit there is a problem
and remains closed to you for an extended period of time,
we recommend seeking the help of a trained professional.
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