We've all heard the phrase "It takes two to tango", but in the "dance" we call relationships, how many of us really believe it and live it? The truth is not many. In a relationship where communication is an issue, there are usually two ways people take responsibility and both create challenges: 1. Either they take far more than their share of responsibility, playing the martyr or 2. They don't accept any or very little responsibility, playing the victim. What we're going to suggest in this session is that the best way to communicate with each other is in a third, more empowering way. This way of communicating is based on the idea of a conscious partnership. In a conscious partnership, both people are total partners in all ways. In a conscious partnership, each person accepts the idea that he/she is the creator of everything in his/her life. In a conscious partnership, each partner accepts 100% of responsibility for their own actions and for expressing their true selves-- especially in their communication with each other. Some people have accumulated negative connotations surrounding the word "responsibility." Either they've felt like they have had to take on much more responsibility in life than they wanted or they've tried to escape accepting responsibility, either consciously or unconsciously. Taking responsibility does not mean, "fixing someone" or making them wrong and you right, or vise versa. It also doesn't mean that one person is more responsible than the other to make the relationship work. When it comes to communication issues in relationships, taking 100% responsibility means committing to authentically communicating straight from your heart with the people in your life in all ways as much of the time as possible. Examples of When We Don't Take Responsibility... Here's how not taking responsibility for our part of the communication dance can negatively affect our relationships: 1. When we blame others. By blaming others for a communication issue or problem, we are placing ALL of the responsibility on someone else. Even if the other person could have (or should have) done a better job of communicating with you, you have to take your share of the responsibility for the communication gap, problem or issue as well. Very often, most of us aren't willing to do that. Most of us would rather spend our time being stuck in our "rightness" instead of spending that same time trying to reconnect and make our relationship stronger. 2. When we hold back. By holding back and not sharing our whole truth, then we're not being 100% in the relationship. When you're holding back in your communication for any reason while wanting to have a deep, connected relationship, it is a lot like sticking your big toe in the water and calling it swimming. It just doesn't work. In the short term, holding back may seem like a good idea to help us avoid some pain. But, in the long term, holding back in our communication will never serve the highest good of the relationship if our intention is to have open, honest communication and a deep, connected relationship. 3. When we make assumptions. By making assumptions about something or someone we are simply guessing that we know or understand how another person thinks, feels or what's important to them. Before you start making assumptions that could be potentially damaging to a relationship, take responsibility for getting clear about anything that seems fuzzy or unclear to you. 4. When we're not conscious about our feelings or what's important to us. We've had several people ask us at our workshops and seminars, "What if I just don't know what I want or what I'm feeling?" Our answer is that if you don't know what you're thinking or feeling, go underneath to explore your thoughts and feelings and see what it is you're afraid you'll expose or unearth if you really get to the core of your feelings. In that space, you will find a place to begin your healing. Exploring your feelings takes attention and intention. If you find feelings that are difficult for you to handle alone, make sure you contact a psychologist to help you. The previous examples of how we don't take responsibility are only four ways they can manifest. There are many others we could explore but these were the biggies. In Otto's opinion, the core issue that ended his first marriage was the inability of both he and his wife to accept their share of responsibility--no more, no less--in the relationship. Otto didn't communicate his needs and by default, his wife ran their lives by her rules until the marriage had clearly run out of gas and he decided to leave the marriage. There was also a responsibility challenge between Susie and her first husband because neither one of them acknowledged to each other that there was anything wrong with their relationship until it was too late. Very early in our relationship, we recognized that this was a major issue for both of us. So, what we did was create the agreement between us that we would each take 100% responsibility for communicating our thoughts, fears, joys and ideas in this relationship. What this means to us is that we will each tell each other when we feel hurt, misunderstood, or angry as soon as we recognize the feeling within us. Also, it is a commitment to accept that we are each creating our own experiences and to move into healing the situation rather than hanging on to being right. Some time ago, Susie said something that hurt and angered Otto. He took a short amount of time to go inside himself to identify what he was feeling. Instead of holding it in and not speaking about it, he told Susie how he was feeling. He took responsibility for telling her that he was hurt and in the process, uncovered some unresolved issues that didn't have anything to do with her. She listened and accepted that he was hurt by what she had said, although she hadn't realized it before he told her. A deeper issue for Susie also came to light during their sharing. As they continued to talk, Susie asked him how she could say what she said differently in the future and he gave her some suggestions. In this example, both of us took responsibility, both of us listened to each other, both of us expressed how we felt and we both agreed on how we would do it differently in the future. Because we each felt "heard," there was a shift between us from disconnection to connection. ************************* Now, take a look at responsibility in your relationships. 1. What does the word "responsibility" mean to you? 2. Do you tend to take more of your share of responsibility in your relationships or less? In what ways? 3. How does this play out in your communication with the people in your life? 4. If you have a partner and you are doing this course together, discuss some ways that you can both be more responsible in your communication with each other. If you're doing this course by yourself, talk with a trusted friend about this session and discuss some of these ideas. Then write down some ways you can begin being more responsible in healthy ways in your communication and your relationships. 5. What agreements are you willing to make either with yourself or with your partner about communicating that will help both of you take 100% responsibility in your relationships? ******************************** TIPS for taking your share of responsibility 1. Remember that you can't change another person. You can only change yourself. If someone is not taking responsibility the way you think he or she should, you are only in charge of YOU and not that other person. 2. By you taking your share and only your share of responsibility, you are changing the dynamics between the two of you.
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