Jennifer was outraged every time she saw anyone who
wasn't a perfect model of health and fitness. She
thought she had all the answers about how everyone
should lose weight, stay healthy and look great.
She also insisted on telling everyone what they
should be doing differently in order to meet her
criteria for being in perfect health and fitness,
even when they didn't ask or cared. She was critical
of her body and everyone else's.
By acting in this way, Jennifer made it nearly
impossible to connect with anyone in a relationship
because her judgments built a wall between them.
The same kind of walls are built between people when
"blame" phrases like "You should have. . .", "You
could have . . .", "Why didn't you . . .", and "If
only you'd . . ." are used.
There are many reasons why people blame, judge and
have the need to be right, especially with an
intimate partner. Much of it is done unconsciously.
They may have seen their parents blaming and judging
and it feels "normal" to them. There might be the
unconscious or conscious idea that the more I blame,
judge and prove that I'm right, the more likely he
or she will change and do what I want.
No matter what reasons we choose to use, fear is at
the bottom of blaming, judging and the need to be
right-fear that our needs won't be met, fear that
we're not enough, fear that you aren't who I want you
to be so I'll try make you into that person.
We've discovered that pointing a finger outward,
blaming and judging someone else, allows a person to
hide from looking inward at themselves and their life.
One common pattern that we've seen between two people
is when one person is the criticizer and the other
person is trying to work hard to get approval, while
expecting criticism. The important thing to realize
is that both people are part of the relationship
challenge, by playing the martyr and/or the victim-
and these roles can shift from moment to moment.
In our view, when you start blaming, judging or
feeling that you are right and the person is wrong,
you have two choices: one is to continue to act out
of fear and entrench yourself as the martyr or victim,
telling all of your friends or the other person (over
and over) how he or she is wrong and you are right;
Or you can begin the healing process by giving up the
attachment to the need to be "right" and spend your
time and energy on whatever is necessary to heal the
relationship.
If you are being criticized and allowing yourself to
become the victim, you can either stay stuck or
decide that you will stop the "dance" that the two
of you are doing, and begin the healing process. In
some cases, it may not be possible to heal the
relationship, but you will heal yourself when you let
go of blame and grudges.
***************************
Now it's your turn to discover more about blame and
judgment in your relationships.
1. Describe a situation where blame, judgment
or the need to be right has created a conflict between
you and another person. Feel free to include quotes
from both of you.
2. Think of how you and the other person reacted
in this situation or any other where blame, judgment
or the need to be right were present. Do these
reactions remind you of any other time or situation
in your past? Is this a familiar pattern to you? If
it is, describe how this pattern has manifested in
your life.
3. When blame, judgment or holding onto the need
to be right is present in your relationships, what
would help you to come into the present moment and
bring you out of this pattern so that you are able
to resolve your differences?
4. If you have a partner, what can your partner
do to help you in this process and how can you help
him or her? If you don't have an intimate partner,
what can you do to help yourself to become more aware
and move from these unhealthy patterns?
5. What agreements are you willing to make to
stop the patterns of blame and judgment? If you are
with a partner, what agreements are the two of you
willing to make about this issue?
****************************
TIPS for stopping blame, judgment and the need to be
right in your relationships:
1) Know and understand that underneath this issue
is fear. When this issue comes up, go underneath the
pain of the moment and try to determine what you fear.
2) Identify your pattern of blame, judgment or the
need to be right.
3) Make an agreement to help each other when blame
or judgment creeps in between you or if one person is
trying to "fix" another.
4) Stop your unhealthy behavior by taking
responsibility and acknowledge what you are doing.
5) Choose a way that would be helpful to you to
interrupt the pattern and be willing to ask your
partner or another person for help.
6) It's a good idea to make asking permission to
interrupt the pattern as part of your agreement.
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