Listening to understand means listening with your full
attention without becoming defensive about what's being
said. It means focusing on what the other person is saying
and not on what you are going to say next.
Listening to understand is listening with the intention of
creating a deeper connection with another person and not
just to further your agenda.
Very often people think that if they truly listen with the
intention to
understand someone, they are agreeing with them. We don't
think that's necessarily true. Just as we shared in our
example, Otto truly listened to understand where Susie was
coming from but he didn't necessarily agree with what she
was telling him.
Listening to understand is not judging, it's not agreeing
and it's not listening from your own agenda. It's listening
--truly listening to someone and suspending fear, doubt,
judgment and other defense mechanisms that prevent you from
creating deeper connections of the heart.
One of the deepest needs that we all have is the desire to
be understood and to feel important. One way another person
can truly feel understood is if you listen to them to connect
rather than to react or respond.
We struggle with this like everyone else. When we find that
we are not listening to each other, it is our agreement
that we acknowledge that it is happening. Then we do
whatever is necessary to bring ourselves back into a place
where we can listen.
It may be that we need to simply turn and face each other,
stop what we are doing, and make eye contact to listen with
the intention to understand.
It may mean giving each other physical or emotional space to
discover feelings that have come up that may have prevented
us from listening with an open heart and mind. When we do
that, we always set a time when we will discuss the issue
again.
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Here are some questions for you . . .
1) Are you willing to truly listen to understand in
your relationships?
2) When conflict comes up, are you willing to open to
the possibility
you both may be "right" and that this is okay?
3) Are you willing to make listening to understand and
your desire to connect with the other person more important
than your desire to be right or to stroke your own ego?
4) Are you willing to face your fears and be open to
the other person even when there are challenges or conflicts?
5) What's one agreement you are willing to make, with
yourself or with your partner, to improve your listening?
So what do you do if you feel you're not being listened to
or heard?
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One common complaint between partners we hear is 'You never
listen to me.' When this complaint comes up, we've found
that usually the problem is much deeper than lack of attention.
It's often really an issue about personal needs not being
met or a longing for connection that isn't there.
If you feel that you aren't being listened to or understood,
there are a few scenarios that seem to be pretty common.
The first is when the other person has a preconceived idea
of what you are thinking or feeling so they don't listen when
you speak. They make assumptions based on previous
relationships or the past and turn you off.
Another problem is that they are listening from their own
agenda and their own frame of reference. They are listening
to tell their story rather than listening to connect with
you.
A third is that they truly don't understand what you are
saying, thinking or feeling. They don't have enough
information or you are not clearly articulating your
feelings or thoughts.
A fourth scenario is when there is not enough safety and
trust in the relationship for one or both people to speak
openly and authentically to each other.
It's important to remember that these scenarios each
represent a dynamic between two people, with both people
taking part in the drama.
This was true for one couple that we know. What we found
was that he was listening but he shut down emotionally
because it wasn't safe for him to say what he was really
thinking. When his wife wanted to buy and move into a new
house by a certain date, he was silent and didn't object
although he really felt that that wasn't a conscious way
to make a major purchase. As a result, his wife thought
he was agreeing with her all along but in reality, he had
simply withdrawn emotionally. Although she was clear,
there were assumptions on her part and no conscious
agreement between them. Fear prevented him from revealing
his true feelings.
How can you help other people to listen to you?
Remember you have no control over the other person's
reactions, thoughts or whether they do truly listen to you.
But it is always your responsibility to help the other person
understand you if you are the person who is trying to
communicate something.
If you're trying to communicate something that another
person does not understand, one way to help this situation
is to simply say to them, "This is really important that I
share this with you and I'm not feeling that I am saying it
in a way that you can understand me. Would you be willing
to help me to find a better way to share my ideas so that
you can understand me?" Then ask them if they are willing
to be open, patient and fully present while you explain what
you are trying to say in different way. Tell them that they
don't have to agree with you but ask them to try to
understand.
This takes courage, presence and the intention to "do it
differently." It takes breaking the pattern in some way.
It takes you not becoming defensive and falling into old
patterns when you feel your needs are not being met and you
are not being understood.
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Now it's your turn to answer the following questions:
1) What is one agreement, with yourself or with another
person, you are willing to make about helping others to
understand what you are saying?
2) How will you remind yourself to do this?
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TIPS for listening and making yourself understood
1) Whether you're listening to someone on the phone or in
person, give them your undivided attention. Stop what you
are doing and make eye contact with the person. If you
don't have time to listen at that moment, arrange a time
when you can truly listen and be fully present. Listening
is not a time for 'multi-tasking'
2) Stay in the present moment when you are listening or
trying to make yourself understood. Don't let your mind
drift into thinking about things that happened in the past
or what may happen in the future.
3) Make agreements with the people who are closest to you
that you will honor each other by listening when the other
speaks-whether it is your children, your mother, or a spouse
of many years. When you make and keep conscious agreements
like this one, a feeling of safety, trust and respect grows
between you.
4) Make a conscious effort to avoid reacting defensively,
even in your mind, if this is your pattern.
5) If you feel that certain people habitually do not listen
to you, interrupt the pattern and ask for their help.
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