Trust, Communication and Their Challenges in Relationships...

If communication is a challenge for you right now in your relationships, 
one of the biggest issues may be a lack of trust. 

If trust is an issue for you in your relationships and in your life, 
we don't have to tell you how painful it is.

Trust is the one quality that a relationship simply can't survive without. 
If you don't have trust, then you'll put a question mark in front of 
everything your partner says. You'll doubt their love. You'll harbor 
unhealed resentments which get in the way of clear communication. 

In short, if for whatever reason you can't trust no matter how hard you 
try, you'll keep your partner at a distance and not let them get too close 
to you which most likely will impact your communication with them. 

Sometimes people who have trouble communicating tell us things like... "I 
don't know why I can't talk to my husband. He hasn't done anything to 
deserve my mistrust," "I just can't seem to open up to my partner no 
matter what I do," "I'm always saying the wrong thing and I simply don't 
know how to talk with her anymore," and finally "I don't know how to deal 
with her lies anymore." 

What we've discovered is that no one is born with communication or trust 
issues. They are created from real or imagined fears about what may or may 
not be happening in their relationships. 

If there are trust issues and communication is difficult, one or both of 
the following explanations are usually underneath them:

1. The person is in a relationship with someone who has violated trust in 
some way and maybe even continues to violate it.

2. The person has had trust violated in past relationships and has created 
real fears in the present moment about events and circumstances that may 
or may not be happening in their current relationship.

The paradox of trust issues is that in order to heal trust, you have to be 
willing to open your heart and take conscious, intelligent risk. Most 
people who struggle with this issue have felt pain that is so great that 
they have shut themselves off from opening their hearts again. It's very 
difficult for them to move past this point.

Here are a few suggestions for "Creating Relationship Trust" 
that may help you begin to trust again and improve your communication:

1. Pay attention to the fears you are feeling, honor those feelings while 
discovering whether there is any truth to your fears.

2. We all tell stories to ourselves about everything in our lives. If you 
are telling yourself untrue stories about what is or may be happening, 
then stop yourself. Begin to trust in yourself that you can change the 
stories you tell yourself about your life or your relationships. 

3. Ask yourself this question-"Is my reaction really about what's 
happening right now?" If your answer is yes, then have the courage to deal 
honestly with your situation. If your answer is no, then have the courage 
to stop yourself from creating separation and distance by saying and doing 
things that will harm your relationship.

4. Keep in mind that learning to trust others starts with you. If there 
are blatantly untrustworthy people in your life right now, then you are 
being asked to look at yourself and discover how you can heal from your 
past. If you make up stories about people who are really trustable, you 
are still called to begin a healing process.

Please know that no matter what has happened in your relationships up 
until now that trust can be built and it CAN be rebuilt if it's been 
broken. 

Read more »

Communication E-Course--DAY 10‏-Show your Appreciation

Imagine what your life and your relationships would 
be like if everyday was Valentine's Day. 

First of all, we'd all be 300 lbs. from eating 
chocolate hearts and pink cookies. More importantly, 
we'd either be excited by or guilt-tripped into 
expressing our love and appreciation to the people 
in our lives every day.

The question is--why can't it be Valentine's Day 
everyday? 

Why do we need one day a year on which we've all 
agreed that we will express our love and appreciation 
to the people in our lives? 

We suggest that everyday could be a day that you 
express your love and appreciation--whether you have 
a 'significant other' or not. 

We all like to be appreciated. Somewhere deep inside, 
we all know that our lives would be better if we could 
just appreciate the people in our lives, but something 
stops us. Whether it is issues from the past, fear of 
the appreciation not being accepted or reciprocated, or 
simply not taking the time to do it, we often allow 
opportunities to enrich our relationships slip through 
our fingers.

We've found that honest, heartfelt appreciation helps 
to build safety and trust in a relationship and fosters 
good communication between two people.

Coming back to these goals and appreciating what the 
other is bringing to the project always helps us to 
move forward in a positive way. 

Appreciation can soften relationships that are 
experiencing challenges and create ease and flow in 
communication. 

Whenever there are communication challenges in your 
life, try turning your thoughts to appreciating 
something about that person rather than being critical 
of them. Sincere, verbal appreciation adds icing to 
the cake. 

So you might be asking--What do you do if your partner 
is always late, or he/she doesn't do anything that you 
appreciate? What if there isn't anything positive to 
appreciate?

No matter how bad a relationship is, there has to be 
something positive that you can catch the other person 
doing so that you can begin to show your
appreciation. 

We suggest that you look beneath the current situation 
or past unresolved differences. Was there ever a time 
that this person said or did something that you can 
appreciate? If so, start there.


**********************

Now, here are some questions that we'd like you to 
answer that will help you to move to a place of 
appreciation more easily with the people in your 
life:

1. Think of a person who presents communication 
challenges for you. Name three things that this 
person brings to your life and that you can appreciate 
about them.




2. Practice transforming critical thoughts to 
ones of appreciation. Think of something that really 
irritates you about them. Now take a deep breath and 
change that thought to one of the items on your list 
in #1. Keep practicing until it feels natural to 
change your negative thoughts. Remember that by 
doing this, you are not condoning what you perceive 
they have done or are doing to you or other people. 
You are simply flowing positive energy to a situation 
that has been mired in negativity.



3. If it is possible, take an opportunity to tell 
this person, in a sincere and loving way, one of the 
things you wrote in #1. If you were able to do this, 
what was his or her reaction? 




******************

TIPS for appreciating

1)  Practice appreciating the people in your life 
when you are in your car driving, standing in line at 
the grocery store or just before falling asleep. The 
more positive energy you flow out, the more positive 
energy will in turn flow your way.

2) When giving someone a verbal appreciation, 
stop what you are doing, make eye contact with him 
or her, and speak from your heart.

3) Take time to appreciate yourself everyday.

4) Whenever you find yourself irritated with a 
loved one, sit down with a piece of paper and list 
all of the qualities you really love about that 
person. Keep going until your irritation lifts. 
This doesn't mean that you don't need to express 
yourself but you will be coming from a clearer, more 
loving place if you shift your energy.

Read more »

Communication E-Course--DAY 9‏-Let Go of Judgments, Blame and the Need to be Right

Jennifer was outraged every time she saw anyone who 
wasn't a perfect model of health and fitness. She 
thought she had all the answers about how everyone 
should lose weight, stay healthy and look great. 
She also insisted on telling everyone what they 
should be doing differently in order to meet her 
criteria for being in perfect health and fitness, 
even when they didn't ask or cared. She was critical 
of her body and everyone else's. 

By acting in this way, Jennifer made it nearly 
impossible to connect with anyone in a relationship 
because her judgments built a wall between them.

The same kind of walls are built between people when 
"blame" phrases like "You should have. . .", "You 
could have . . .", "Why didn't you . . .", and "If 
only you'd . . ." are used.

There are many reasons why people blame, judge and 
have the need to be right, especially with an 
intimate partner. Much of it is done unconsciously. 
They may have seen their parents blaming and judging 
and it feels "normal" to them. There might be the 
unconscious or conscious idea that the more I blame, 
judge and prove that I'm right, the more likely he 
or she will change and do what I want.

No matter what reasons we choose to use, fear is at 
the bottom of blaming, judging and the need to be 
right-fear that our needs won't be met, fear that 
we're not enough, fear that you aren't who I want you 
to be so I'll try make you into that person.

We've discovered that pointing a finger outward, 
blaming and judging someone else, allows a person to 
hide from looking inward at themselves and their life. 
One common pattern that we've seen between two people 
is when one person is the criticizer and the other 
person is trying to work hard to get approval, while 
expecting criticism. The important thing to realize 
is that both people are part of the relationship 
challenge, by playing the martyr and/or the victim-
and these roles can shift from moment to moment.

In our view, when you start blaming, judging or 
feeling that you are right and the person is wrong, 
you have two choices: one is to continue to act out 
of fear and entrench yourself as the martyr or victim, 
telling all of your friends or the other person (over 
and over) how he or she is wrong and you are right; 
Or you can begin the healing process by giving up the 
attachment to the need to be "right" and spend your 
time and energy on whatever is necessary to heal the 
relationship. 

If you are being criticized and allowing yourself to 
become the victim, you can either stay stuck or 
decide that you will stop the "dance" that the two 
of you are doing, and begin the healing process. In 
some cases, it may not be possible to heal the 
relationship, but you will heal yourself when you let 
go of blame and grudges.

***************************
Now it's your turn to discover more about blame and 
judgment in your relationships.

1. Describe a situation where blame, judgment 
or the need to be right has created a conflict between 
you and another person. Feel free to include quotes 
from both of you.



2. Think of how you and the other person reacted 
in this situation or any other where blame, judgment 
or the need to be right were present. Do these 
reactions remind you of any other time or situation 
in your past? Is this a familiar pattern to you? If 
it is, describe how this pattern has manifested in 
your life.



3. When blame, judgment or holding onto the need 
to be right is present in your relationships, what 
would help you to come into the present moment and 
bring you out of this pattern so that you are able 
to resolve your differences? 



4. If you have a partner, what can your partner 
do to help you in this process and how can you help 
him or her? If you don't have an intimate partner, 
what can you do to help yourself to become more aware 
and move from these unhealthy patterns?




5. What agreements are you willing to make to 
stop the patterns of blame and judgment? If you are 
with a partner, what agreements are the two of you 
willing to make about this issue?



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TIPS for stopping blame, judgment and the need to be 
right in your relationships:

1) Know and understand that underneath this issue 
is fear. When this issue comes up, go underneath the 
pain of the moment and try to determine what you fear.

2) Identify your pattern of blame, judgment or the 
need to be right.

3) Make an agreement to help each other when blame 
or judgment creeps in between you or if one person is 
trying to "fix" another.

4) Stop your unhealthy behavior by taking 
responsibility and acknowledge what you are doing.

5) Choose a way that would be helpful to you to 
interrupt the pattern and be willing to ask your 
partner or another person for help.

6) It's a good idea to make asking permission to 
interrupt the pattern as part of your agreement.

Read more »

Communication E-Course--DAY 8 - ‏Take responsibility for your part in the communication dance

We've all heard the phrase "It takes two to tango", but in 
the "dance" we call relationships, how many of us really 
believe it and live it? 

The truth is not many. 

In a relationship where communication is an issue, there 
are usually two ways people take responsibility and both 
create challenges:

1. Either they take far more than their share of 
responsibility, playing the martyr or 
2. They don't accept any or very little responsibility, 
playing the victim. 

What we're going to suggest in this session is that the 
best way to communicate with each other is in a third, 
more empowering way. This way of communicating is based 
on the idea of a conscious partnership. 

In a conscious partnership, both people are total partners 
in all ways.

In a conscious partnership, each person accepts the idea 
that he/she is the creator of everything in his/her life. 

In a conscious partnership, each partner accepts 100% of 
responsibility for their own actions and for expressing 
their true selves-- especially in their communication with 
each other. 

Some people have accumulated negative connotations 
surrounding the word "responsibility." Either they've 
felt like they have had to take on much more responsibility 
in life than they wanted or they've tried to escape 
accepting responsibility, either consciously or 
unconsciously.

Taking responsibility does not mean, "fixing someone" or 
making them wrong and you right, or vise versa. 

It also doesn't mean that one person is more responsible 
than the other to make the relationship work. 

When it comes to communication issues in relationships, 
taking 100% responsibility means committing to 
authentically communicating straight from your heart with 
the people in your life in all ways as much of the time 
as possible.


Examples of When We Don't Take Responsibility... 

Here's how not taking responsibility for our part of the 
communication dance can negatively affect our 
relationships: 

1. When we blame others. 
By blaming others for a communication issue or problem, we 
are placing ALL of the responsibility on someone else. Even 
if the other person could have (or should have) done a 
better job of communicating with you, you have to take your 
share of the responsibility for the communication gap, 
problem or issue as well. Very often, most of us aren't 
willing to do that. Most of us would rather spend our time 
being stuck in our "rightness" instead of spending that same 
time trying to reconnect and make our relationship stronger. 

2. When we hold back. 
By holding back and not sharing our whole truth, then we're 
not being 100% in the relationship. When you're holding 
back in your communication for any reason while wanting to 
have a deep, connected relationship, it is a lot like 
sticking your big toe in the water and calling it swimming. 
It just doesn't work. In the short term, holding back may 
seem like a good idea to help us avoid some pain. But, in 
the long term, holding back in our communication will never 
serve the highest good of the relationship if our intention 
is to have open, honest communication and a deep, connected 
relationship. 

3. When we make assumptions.
By making assumptions about something or someone we are 
simply guessing that we know or understand how another 
person thinks, feels or what's important to them. Before 
you start making assumptions that could be potentially 
damaging to a relationship, take responsibility for getting 
clear about anything that seems fuzzy or unclear to you. 

4. When we're not conscious about our feelings or 
what's important to us.

We've had several people ask us at our workshops and 
seminars, "What if I just don't know what I want or what 
I'm feeling?" Our answer is that if you don't know what 
you're thinking or feeling, go underneath to explore your 
thoughts and feelings and see what it is you're afraid 
you'll expose or unearth if you really get to the core 
of your feelings. In that space, you will find a place 
to begin your healing. Exploring your feelings takes 
attention and intention. If you find feelings that are 
difficult for you to handle alone, make sure you contact 
a psychologist to help you.

The previous examples of how we don't take responsibility 
are only four ways they can manifest. There are many others 
we could explore but these were the biggies. 

In Otto's opinion, the core issue that ended his first 
marriage was the inability of both he and his wife to 
accept their share of responsibility--no more, no less--in 
the relationship. Otto didn't communicate his needs and 
by default, his wife ran their lives by her rules until 
the marriage had clearly run out of gas and he decided to 
leave the marriage. 

There was also a responsibility challenge between Susie and 
her first husband because neither one of them acknowledged 
to each other that there was anything wrong with their 
relationship until it was too late.

Very early in our relationship, we recognized that this was 
a major issue for both of us. So, what we did was create 
the agreement between us that we would each take 100% 
responsibility for communicating our thoughts, fears, joys 
and ideas in this relationship. What this means to us is 
that we will each tell each other when we feel hurt, 
misunderstood, or angry as soon as we recognize the feeling 
within us. Also, it is a commitment to accept that we 
are each creating our own experiences and to move into 
healing the situation rather than hanging on to being right. 

Some time ago, Susie said something that hurt and angered 
Otto. He took a short amount of time to go inside himself 
to identify what he was feeling. Instead of holding it in 
and not speaking about it, he told Susie how he was feeling. 
He took responsibility for telling her that he was hurt and 
in the process, uncovered some unresolved issues that didn't 
have anything to do with her. She listened and accepted 
that he was hurt by what she had said, although she hadn't 
realized it before he told her. A deeper issue for Susie 
also came to light during their sharing. As they continued 
to talk, Susie asked him how she could say what she said 
differently in the future and he gave her some suggestions. 

In this example, both of us took responsibility, both of us 
listened to each other, both of us expressed how we felt and 
we both agreed on how we would do it differently in the 
future. Because we each felt "heard," there was a shift 
between us from disconnection to connection. 

*************************
Now, take a look at responsibility in your relationships.

1. What does the word "responsibility" mean to you?



2. Do you tend to take more of your share of 
responsibility in your relationships or less? In what 
ways?



3. How does this play out in your communication with 
the people in your life?



4. If you have a partner and you are doing this course 
together, discuss some ways that you can both be more 
responsible in your communication with each other. If you're 
doing this course by yourself, talk with a trusted friend 
about this session and discuss some of these ideas. Then 
write down some ways you can begin being more responsible 
in healthy ways in your communication and your 
relationships. 



5. What agreements are you willing to make either with 
yourself or with your partner about communicating that will 
help both of you take 100% responsibility in your 
relationships?




********************************


TIPS for taking your share of responsibility
1. Remember that you can't change another person. 
You can only change yourself. If someone is not taking 
responsibility the way you think he or she should, you 
are only in charge of YOU and not that other person.

2. By you taking your share and only your share of 
responsibility, you are changing the dynamics between the 
two of you.

Read more »

Communication E-Course--DAY 7 - Be clear in your communication

We've found that unclear communication creates assumptions 
by one or both people and creates barriers to a connected, 
healthy relationship. This is true no matter what type of 
relationship you're in.


******************************
Are you clear in your communication? Here are some 
questions for you to consider.

1. Are there times when you feel people misunderstand 
what you are asking them to do or trying to communicate with 
them? If so, write these scenarios here.



2. Are there times when you feel that you do not 
understand another person but are not comfortable or don't 
take the time to clarify the communication between the two 
of you? If so, write these scenarios here.



3. What could you do to be clearer in your communication 
with others? How could you ask for clarification when you 
are unsure of the meaning of what someone else has said? 
What different words could you use instead of the ones you 
presently use to make your communication more clear? Write 
some examples of how you'd like to communicate more clearly.




4. Is there an agreement you can make with yourself and 
with another person that will help each of you to avoid 
misunderstandings because of unclear communication, if this 
is a problem for you? If so, write it here.



****************************** 

TIPS on creating clear communication:

1. If someone talks to you in a "fuzzy" way, dig 
deeper and ask one question deeper. Don't assume that 
you know what he or she means.

2. Be clear in what you are asking someone else to do. 
If it's a subject that may trigger one or both of you to 
become defensive, try approaching the subject with the 
following-"I'd like your help with. . ." or "Here's something 
that would really make me feel happy. . ."

3. Be aware of your reason (or reasons) for 
communicating with everyone as much of the time as possible. 
Be clear in your own mind whether you are trying to give 
them information, to get them to do something or change 
something or to connect with them to create a better 
understanding between the two of you or deepen the 
relationship. Make sure you know your purpose for 
communicating. If you don't, you can't expect the 
other person to know what it is. 

Read more »

Communication E-Course--DAY 6 - ‏Speak your truth as soon as you know it

Have you seen those big "dust bunnies" that form under 
your bed or any other place in your house that somehow 
get missed by that weekly sweep of the dust mop? The 
formation of "dust bunnies" can be very similar to how 
it is in your relationships when you keep your emotions 
and your truth from the people in your lives.

There are many reasons we allow "dust" to collect in our 
relationships and fear is always at the bottom. One of 
the biggest reasons is we don't want to "rock the boat" or 
shake the status quo by saying what is true for us. 
Although the present situation may not be the best, we 
fear that revealing how we really feel will make it worse. 

What we secretly fear is that our relationship will be 
torn apart by saying what we feel and sharing what's 
important to us.

Most of us don't realize that there can't be a true 
connection with another person without expression of 
truth. What is not expressed to the other person usually 
eventually comes up, in ways that are far more damaging to 
the relationship.

People somehow believe they are being loving when they 
withhold perceived unpleasant information from their 
partner. Not being forthcoming with your feelings is 
living with a lie and can ultimately create a separation 
between the two of you. 

Not speaking your truth as soon as you know it can create 
more problems than you realize because it leads to what 
we call "the Big 3."

These are: Assumptions, Resentments and Guilt. If you 
allow assumptions, resentments and guilt to get out of 
control, you become disconnected from other people which 
leads to emotional or physical separation. 

The reason we make assumptions is that we don't know what 
the people in our lives are thinking, feeling or what's 
important to them. Either they haven't shared their thoughts 
with us or we haven't asked, or maybe both.

Resentments build when we become angry and continue to hold 
onto the anger. As a result, one or both people do not 
speak what they are feeling and their needs are not being 
met.

Guilt becomes a big issue in relationships because we end 
up spending a great deal of emotional energy on "I should 
have told a truth" or something else that is important in 
the relationship. Guilt comes because of "shoulds."

Both of us have had challenges with speaking our truth and 
have had to learn to trust each other in order to open up. 

We've discovered that when you do this in relationships, 
you no longer make assumptions because you know that 
honest communication will prevent any 'dust' from 
accumulating between you. Having the courage to share 
what might tear the relationship apart is very empowering 
and can even be liberating.

So whether you find it difficult to speak your truth because 
you fear hurting your partner, making assumptions about 
your partner, or upsetting or possibly ending your 
relationship, we challenge you to contact your higher 
wisdom now to find out what is holding you back from 
authentic communication.

*********************************
1) What is the single biggest fear that you have in 
speaking your truth in your relationships?



2) What intention or agreement can you make with 
yourself or with your partner concerning speaking your 
truth?



************************

TIPS for speaking your truth
1) Practice the TIPS for feeling your feelings.

2) If you have difficulty feeling your feelings in the 
moment, you may need to give each other space to discover 
those feelings. When this happens to one of us, we always 
set a time when we will discuss the issue again.

3) If you have problems speaking your truth, start 
small. Start with something that is inconsequential like 
choosing a restaurant for a dinner out instead of agreeing 
to go wherever your partner wants to go.

4) Ask for your partner's attention when you want to 
speak, if that's a problem. Turn off the television and 
find a quiet spot.

Read more »

Am I Settling or Is This the Best I can Do?

These questions are critically important and here's why...
As good as your relationship seems to be, you
may be fearing that it may not be enough for you and you may want more some time in the future.
What we have discovered, is that we all have different wants, needs, interests.
We all have different things that drive us and
make us be the way we are.


The question you might really be asking could be...
"Can I have it all--the comfort, plus passion
that takes your breath away--or should I be
happy to get 'almost' all of it?"
Our answer to that is--it depends...
It depends on how important that passionate spark is to you.


It's only after you truly know what's important to you in your relationships and your life that you can begin to make conscious decisions about how you want to move forward.




So, we go back to this...
What's truly important to you?


To help you with this, take out a pen and paper and without censoring your thoughts, write down your first, gut responses to these questions...


1. Thinking about what you do have, how important is having that passionate spark to you right now?


2. In your mind's eye, transport the two of you to the future 5 or 10 years down the road. Now look at how happy you are if nothing changes.
Remember to just let your "gut" respond right now, without censoring it.


Now, read your answers to yourself and feel
how those land inside you. What are the feelings that come up?


As you're sitting with what came up for you during this exercise, consider a few ideas about passionate spark.
The typical couple starts off with a great deal of excitement and passion between them.
As we've said many times, the problem is that "life gets in the way" and they allow that passion to fade away--and no one knows exactly where it goes.


Passion can fade to nothing but it can also be
re-ignited if that's what both people want.
And what if that "butterfly" passion was never there to begin with?
It can be pretty difficult (but not impossible) to "manufacture" it--unless both people really want it to happen.
They have to find ways to open to each other and look at each other differently.


If this relationship is really important to you and you want to keep it--and you are open to creating a little more "zing" with him--open yourself to the idea that it just might be possible with him.
Open you heart to him in a different way and start thinking of him in a little different way.


When you feel passionate toward him, when he stirs anything inside you--let alone butterflies--nurture that feeling and don't dismiss it as not being enough.


Some people have trouble thinking of a healthy, loving relationship in the same sentence as passion--and their beliefs get in the way when they finally find a "good" relationship.
If this is happening, start opening the door for the belief that you can have a healthy, loving relationship AND passion--all with the same man and see what happens.
Of course with passion, there's that unspoken
element of chemistry and attraction that can't
be denied.


We're saying that if passion is important and
you're in a good relationship, start taking some action to ignite it.
To answer your last question...


"How do I know if this will work or if I should date around more?"


One way to look at it is that this relationship is working and is giving you what you need in the moment. It's teaching you what it feels like to be in a loving, healthy relationship that's comfortable.


Is that all there is?


Doesn't have to be if you and your partner want more.
We suggest you explore what you want and then open to the possibility of having it with this person before you go off to another one.


Settling for less than what you want usually
causes tension in a relationship so we don't
advise anyone to "settle."


We advise you to make conscious choices that will take you toward what you want in this moment and then in the next moment.
The bottom line is that you might truly be noticing something that you feel will be missing from your relationship and your life if you don't have it.


Or


You may be noticing where you need to put more of your attention in this relationship. 

Read more »

Communication E-Course--DAY 5‏ - Stay in the Present Moment

Has this ever happened to you? Somebody says something to 
you that immediately triggers negativity that seems to be 
an overblown reaction to the situation. You don't have a 
clue why you are so upset and you wonder just where that 
feeling came from. Your reaction may be to lash out at the 
other person or withdraw emotionally and/or physically.

Tony Robbins would call this a 'negative anchor'--something 
that is said or something that is experienced that you 
consciously or unconsciously associate with a previous 
negative event. 

We've discovered that what's really going on, in cases like 
this, is that you have been pulled out of the present moment. 
Whether you're conscious of it or not something triggered you 
to go into a behavior pattern that you have gone into many 
times before. This potentially destructive pattern is probably 
something you aren't aware of in the moment. It may or may 
not be familiar to you, but in any case, it probably doesn't 
serve you or your relationships in a positive way. 


What most of us do when communication gets difficult...

You've probably heard the words "fight, flight or freeze" 
many times before. For most of us, being familiar with these 
words still doesn't stop us from going into one of these 
patterns when we find ourselves in difficult situations.

We've learned that most people go into 'fight, flight or 
freeze' to protect themselves from painful feelings that 
are difficult or impossible to experience at the time they 
are happening. But, the problem is many people get stuck 
in this pattern, repeating it over and over, when it is no 
longer necessary. 

These three defense mechanisms are useful sometimes in our 
lives, but if you want to begin the healing process and 
create close, connected, alive relationships, you have to 
be willing to explore what you are feeling and have the 
courage to change this reaction.

We think that the goal is to be so conscious and aware of 
what we are feeling that when we get triggered by what 
someone says or does, we are able to simply recognize and 
express what we are feeling without fear, judgment or blame 
and without jumping into past patterns. 

Fight, Flight or Freeze can manifest in a number of 
different ways. All three of these reactions stem from the 
fear that your wants and needs won't be met. For example, 
fighting doesn't necessarily mean putting on the gloves and 
throwing things at each other. 

Fighting can mean holding on to the need to be right, staying 
stuck in your anger, or holding on to the desire for 
validation and to be understood. It can also mean yelling 
and physically lashing out. Fighting is holding your ground 
with your "rightness" no matter what. 

Fleeing (flight) doesn't only mean running away physically. 
It most often manifests as withdrawing emotionally to protect 
yourself so you won't have to speak or feel painful feelings 
and emotions. Fleeing can be turning on the television, 
eating or going to visit a friend instead of dealing with 
the situation. When you flee or run from what's going on 
emotionally or physically, the issues are there and won't 
go away until you come back and deal with them. 

Freezing means getting stuck and not being able to move 
from the impasse of the situation. It can also mean 
shutting down emotionally so you won't feel the pain of an 
unpleasant situation. Very often we freeze because we don't 
know what to do next, don't have the confidence in our 
abilities or in ourselves, or have the belief that our life 
situation will be different beyond this moment. Many people 
who are frozen and are feeling stuck in their situations have 
adopted the belief that it's better to deal with the devil 
you know than the devil you don't know. Because of this, 
they stay stuck right where they are in situations they are 
unhappy with and which do not serve them.

When you find yourself reacting in one of those three ways 
with the people in your life, stop your normal pattern and 
reaction. Take a few moments to recognize what it is you're 
thinking and feeling. Come into the present moment, allow 
yourself to feel your feelings and express them if 
appropriate to do so. 

No matter how much fighting, fleeing, or freezing seems to 
be serving you in the moment, the undeniable truth is that 
when you are stuck in any of these patterns, it is impossible 
to communicate from your heart with the people in your life.

We've discovered that one of the best ways to move from 
these patterns is to come into the present moment. 

One way you can tell if you're not in the present moment, 
is if you've got a lot of mental chatter going on in your 
mind. Mental chatter can come in many forms, like judging 
others and yourself, living in the past or making 
assumptions about the future. Whatever form it takes, 
your mental chatter blocks you from hearing and understanding 
others and allows very little chance for true connection 
with yourself and with other people. 

****************************
Here's an exercise to help you to gain a better 
understanding of how these patterns work in your life. 

Close your eyes and feel yourself in a situation where you 
have been in a fight, flight or freeze pattern. Just feel 
what happens in your body. Tune into yourself and feel what 
you are feeling right now, where you are feeling it and 
breathe into that place within yourself. Keep breathing 
until you feel the feeling soften and the pattern leaving. 
Bring yourself into the present moment and acknowledge that 
you have used this pattern for your protection in the past 
but maybe it doesn't serve you any longer. Write your 
experience here.




Answer the following questions for further self-discovery 
about staying in the present moment:

1. Which of these patterns do you most frequently go 
into and how does it manifest in your daily life?




2. What agreement can you make with yourself or with 
another person about staying in the present moment and 
healing your fight, flight or freeze patterns?




*********************************

TIPS for coming into the present moment
1) Practice the Tips for feeling your feelings in the 
previous lesson.

2) Focus on what's happening right here, right now--with 
the person who is in front of you.

3) Notice if your reaction to the situation seems 
overblown and much more intense that you think the situation 
warrants.

4) Ask yourself if this situation reminds you of anything 
that has happened in the past with this person or another 
person.

5) If yes, this may be a pattern that you need to heal 
within yourself by doing some forgiveness work, letting go 
of past resentments or setting boundaries in your personal 
life.

6) If you experience mental chatter that blocks you 
from communicating to connect with other people, practice 
taking 1 or 2 minute breaks throughout the day. Take a break 
from all of the projects and chaos in your life. Quiet your 
mind and concentrate on your breathing. Slow your breathing 
down and allow thoughts to float by without being attached 
to them. You've probably heard this before, but this time 
actually try it for at least one day. If you do, you will 
notice a calmness and a sense of presence that you haven't 
had before.


******************
A common complaint that many people share with us is that 
they are having a great deal of difficulty communicating 
with a partner who has shut down emotionally. He or she 
is almost certainly locked in "fight, flight or freeze."
Here are some ideas to help you and your partner move from 
these patterns and create a more loving relationship:

TIPS for improving communication with a partner who is 
locked in "fight, flight or freeze" and emotionally shut 
down

1) Find a way to let your partner know that you are 
their friend and not the enemy.

2) Explain what you are seeing, feeling and thinking 
and experiencing in the moment without judging. One way 
you might be able to do this is compare and contrast these 
feelings with how you felt when the two of you were 
communicating at your best and when you were truly happy. 
Share with your partner specific differences that you can 
point out between then and what's happening in this moment. 
Make sure that you admit that you have contributed to these 
changes in your relationship. Realize that there are probably 
some resentments and painful truths between both of you that 
have to be unearthed before this can be resolved.

3) Understand that if your partner has shut down 
emotionally, chances are that both of you are acting in 
ways that keep this behavior going. Admitting your patterns 
may open the door for a new dialog between the two of you.

4) If your partner refuses to admit there is a problem 
and remains closed to you for an extended period of time, 
we recommend seeking the help of a trained professional.

Read more »

6 Unhealthy Things You Should Stop Saying Now

Experts share the very worst kinds of things women say — and how to spin that toxic vocab into positive thinking.

1. “Look at my arm jiggle.”

The situation: Over a glass of pinot with your BFFs, girl talk suddenly turns into a competition of who hates their body more.

Why it’s unhealthy: Pointing out and focusing on the alleged jiggle, whether to friends or yourself, is harmful to your body image and self-esteem. Even if your intent is to seek an image-boosting compliment, it can backfire, prompting you to agonize even more over your body flaws and making you feel worse.

Next time, say: “Did I tell you about the cool project I’m managing at work?” or “I love your new haircut!” The point here is to spend time with your friends celebrating each other’s successes instead of commiserating over flaws.

2. “You always…” or “You never…”

The situation: Your husband leaves his dirty dinner dish in the sink. Again. And again.

Why it’s unhealthy: These unproductive taunts have the potential to snowball out of control, so you suddenly find yourself fighting and screaming about big issues like money or parenting instead of the pile of plates, explains Marianne Gillow, PhD, a psychiatrist in private practice in New York City.

Next time, say: “I have a problem with…” Describe the bothersome behavior in a precise way, which allows you to get to the nuance of the fight, and settle it quickly. “If you’re going to fight with a loved one, it’s best to keep it as specific as possible,” Gillow says.

3. “I’m such a pig.”

The situation: You feel guilty about inhaling an entire bag of pretzel M&Ms, so you confess to your co-worker about your diet slip-up.

Why it’s unhealthy: This self-judgmental jab picks apart your self-esteem, making you more likely to binge further, creating a vicious cycle. In many cases, you’re actually saying it in hopes of getting reassurance from your friends that you are not, in fact, a pig, which is equally as dangerous. “If you’re depending on someone else to tell you how to feel, you’re not taking responsibility for your own confidence and happiness,” says Bennett.

Next time, say: “That was so yummy.” Simply enjoy the indulgence and vow to eat something healthy at your next meal or snack. Or, if you’re eating to the point of discomfort, be aware of your actions. “Make a mental note so you can choose differently next time,” says Bennett. If you turned to the vending machine after a particularly stressful meeting, brainstorm a smarter solution for next time, like venting to your office best friend or taking a mind-clearing walk.

4. “I’m soooo sorry.”

The situation: You brush up against someone in the elevator. Or ask a question in a big meeting. Or fumble around in your wallet and take too long to pay the cashier at the coffee shop.

Why it’s unhealthy: “Over-apologizing for minor, unnecessary things can do a number on your self-worth because you’re basically saying, ‘I’m not important,’” Bennett says.

Next time, say: Nothing at all. Bite your tongue and reserve those earnest apologies for acts that truly deserve them.

5. “Ugh, I’m beyond stressed.”

The situation: You stare at the 72 unread emails in your inbox or your three-page-and-growing to-do list and throw up your hands in despair.

Why it’s unhealthy: With four small words, you imply incompetence. “A lot of times we speak in terms of ‘all or nothing,’ and those statements lead nowhere but down,” says Bennett. Take a step back and have another look at the situation. You’ll probably realize that you’re not falling apart, but you could just use some help prioritizing or delegating. You’re only human, and you can pretty much only do one thing at a time.

Next time, say: “I’m feeling challenged right now.” This puts you in a solution-seeking mindset and you can figure out what to do to move forward.

6. “I can’t afford this.”

The situation: You ogle a gorgeous pair of strappy sandals in your favorite department store (and put them right back down after seeing the price tag). Or you go into sticker shock when the travel agent tallies the cost of the Caribbean cruise you were thinking of booking for your anniversary.

Why it’s unhealthy: When you use the word “can’t,” you’re acting as if you’re not in control of your own situation, and so you limit your possibilities. “Most likely, with some creativity, you could find a way to buy those shoes or take that trip,” says Bennett.

Next time, say: “I choose not to spend money on that right now.” This empowers you with the option of spending money later and brainstorming about how to budget for it.

 

Read more »

Communication E-Course--DAY 4: Feel your feelings

If you want to communicate better and connect deeper with 
the people in your life, the first thing you have to do is 
connect with yourself first. 

How can you hope to communicate clearly and form a connection 
of the heart with others if you don't know what you're feeling? 
The simple answer is-you can't. 

Your emotions are signposts from your inner wisdom. If you 
are conscious of what you are feeling in the moment, your 
emotions can signal an imbalance in your life and help you 
move to understanding and then to resolution of a situation 
or problem. 

Most of us were taught as children to hide what we were 
feeling and many of us came from families where certain 
emotions just weren't allowed. In many families, certain 
emotions like anger were either hidden or expressed in 
unhealthy ways. Many people have learned to show only the 
emotions that they think are acceptable to other people and 
to hide those that they learned were "unacceptable."

We do many things to keep from feeling emotions that are 
painful. We "numb out" by eating chocolate, over spending, 
having sex, watching television, having a few alcoholic 
drinks, over working or keeping busy with numerous activities.

What we have discovered is, the only way to communicate 
honestly is to first recognize that a feeling has come up to 
signal that something isn't right. We then share these 
feelings as soon as we become aware of them. This means 
honoring all of our feelings not just the ones that are 
pleasant and acceptable. When we do this, feelings don't 
get buried in resentment and come up later when we least 
expect them to do so.

Every time you reach for that box of cookies, that glass of 
wine, or remote control when you are angry, sad, frustrated, 
or lonely, stop yourself. Sit quietly, relax and breathe 
deeply. Find your center, and go to that place where it's 
safe enough where you don't have to hide from your feelings. 
Really examine what's going on inside of you.

We've found that by identifying what we are feeling, where 
we are feeling it and then breathing into that place in 
our bodies, we are able to speak about it to each other. 
When we can do that, we are better able to be authentic 
with one another. Very often we've found that a painful 
emotion will dissipate simply by acknowledging that it is 
there.

Don't be afraid of your (or anyone's) emotions. They are 
your guides. The exception, of course, is if you feel you 
are in physical danger or if you are feeling that your emotions 
might cause you to hurt another person. Then it's time to 
get help from a professional. 

Notice how you are feeling all of the time. Set it as your 
intention to be aware of your emotions as much of the time 
as possible.

Sometimes it takes us a couple of days to really figure out 
what's at the bottom of a disconnection we might be having 
between the two of us. Because our connection and our 
relationship are more important than anything to us, we are 
committed to helping each other get to a better feeling place. 
Once we figure out what's going on within us, we're committed 
to sharing this information with each other as soon as possible. 
This way, we know where the other is coming from emotionally, 
eliminating any guessing games, assumptions, or resentments.

We've also found that as we continue to work with our emotions, 
it is taking less time than it used to take when there is 
disconnection between us to become aware of what's going on 
inside, connect with our own inner wisdom, and regain our 
connection.

*******************************

So now it's your turn to look at how you deal with your 
feelings.

1) What emotions were acceptable and unacceptable in 
your family as you were growing up?



2) What emotions did you learn to hide and are you still 
hiding them?



3) Do you do anything to keep yourself from feeling 
"unacceptable" emotions? If so, what do you do?




4) What intention or agreement can you make with yourself 
or your partner to help you to feel your emotions and share 
them so that you are more authentic in your communication?




************************************

TIPS for feeling your emotions

1) Take time each day to practice quieting your mind 
chatter. You don't have to do any complicated meditation. 
A few moments of a quiet mind several times a day at your 
desk at work will do wonders for you.

2) Practice tuning into what you are feeling, emotionally 
and physically, when your mind is quiet. 

3) If there is pain or stress in your body, bring your 
breath into that area and breathe until you feel the sensation 
lessening.

Read more »

Is a Great Relationship Really Possible?

Here are some ideas to help you create and maintain an outstanding relationship... 
 
1. Know what your values are up front and be honest about them. If you value your job, your hobbies, your relationships with your friends more than a close, connection intimate relationship, then be honest about it. There's nothing wrong with your choices of where you place your values. Just be conscious about where you are placing your priorities in your life and live accordingly. 
 
2. If you do want to create a long-standing close, connected relationship, then make your relationship a priority in your life. Create your intentions together and follow through with them. Make time and expend the energy to have what you say you are wanting. 
 
3. The quality of your relationship and the depth of your connection and intimacy is largely dependant upon how open your heart is. When there are challenges between the two of you, practice opening your heart anyway. If you do, you'll find that you spend less time being disconnected and at odds with one another. 
 
If you want closer and more connected relationships of any kind, it will require you to open your heart, be honest and vulnerable while at the same time maintaining strong boundaries, be courageous and stay open to possibilities. Sound impossible? It isn't.  

Read more »

Communication E-Course - DAY 3: 10 Communication Secrets for Creating a Lifetime of Love

Listening to understand means listening with your full 
attention without becoming defensive about what's being 
said. It means focusing on what the other person is saying 
and not on what you are going to say next.

Listening to understand is listening with the intention of 
creating a deeper connection with another person and not 
just to further your agenda. 

Very often people think that if they truly listen with the 
intention to 
understand someone, they are agreeing with them. We don't 
think that's necessarily true. Just as we shared in our 
example, Otto truly listened to understand where Susie was 
coming from but he didn't necessarily agree with what she 
was telling him. 

Listening to understand is not judging, it's not agreeing 
and it's not listening from your own agenda. It's listening 
--truly listening to someone and suspending fear, doubt, 
judgment and other defense mechanisms that prevent you from 
creating deeper connections of the heart.

One of the deepest needs that we all have is the desire to 
be understood and to feel important. One way another person 
can truly feel understood is if you listen to them to connect 
rather than to react or respond. 

We struggle with this like everyone else. When we find that 
we are not listening to each other, it is our agreement 
that we acknowledge that it is happening. Then we do 
whatever is necessary to bring ourselves back into a place 
where we can listen. 

It may be that we need to simply turn and face each other, 
stop what we are doing, and make eye contact to listen with 
the intention to understand.

It may mean giving each other physical or emotional space to 
discover feelings that have come up that may have prevented 
us from listening with an open heart and mind. When we do 
that, we always set a time when we will discuss the issue 
again.

************************************

Here are some questions for you . . . 

1) Are you willing to truly listen to understand in 
your relationships? 

2) When conflict comes up, are you willing to open to 
the possibility 
you both may be "right" and that this is okay? 

3) Are you willing to make listening to understand and 
your desire to connect with the other person more important 
than your desire to be right or to stroke your own ego?

4) Are you willing to face your fears and be open to 
the other person even when there are challenges or conflicts?

5) What's one agreement you are willing to make, with 
yourself or with your partner, to improve your listening? 


So what do you do if you feel you're not being listened to 
or heard?




*********************************

One common complaint between partners we hear is 'You never 
listen to me.' When this complaint comes up, we've found 
that usually the problem is much deeper than lack of attention. 

It's often really an issue about personal needs not being 
met or a longing for connection that isn't there. 

If you feel that you aren't being listened to or understood, 
there are a few scenarios that seem to be pretty common.

The first is when the other person has a preconceived idea 
of what you are thinking or feeling so they don't listen when 
you speak. They make assumptions based on previous 
relationships or the past and turn you off. 

Another problem is that they are listening from their own 
agenda and their own frame of reference. They are listening 
to tell their story rather than listening to connect with 
you.

A third is that they truly don't understand what you are 
saying, thinking or feeling. They don't have enough 
information or you are not clearly articulating your 
feelings or thoughts.

A fourth scenario is when there is not enough safety and 
trust in the relationship for one or both people to speak 
openly and authentically to each other. 

It's important to remember that these scenarios each 
represent a dynamic between two people, with both people 
taking part in the drama.

This was true for one couple that we know. What we found 
was that he was listening but he shut down emotionally 
because it wasn't safe for him to say what he was really 
thinking. When his wife wanted to buy and move into a new 
house by a certain date, he was silent and didn't object 
although he really felt that that wasn't a conscious way 
to make a major purchase. As a result, his wife thought 
he was agreeing with her all along but in reality, he had 
simply withdrawn emotionally. Although she was clear, 
there were assumptions on her part and no conscious 
agreement between them. Fear prevented him from revealing 
his true feelings. 

How can you help other people to listen to you?

Remember you have no control over the other person's 
reactions, thoughts or whether they do truly listen to you. 
But it is always your responsibility to help the other person 
understand you if you are the person who is trying to 
communicate something. 

If you're trying to communicate something that another 
person does not understand, one way to help this situation 
is to simply say to them, "This is really important that I 
share this with you and I'm not feeling that I am saying it 
in a way that you can understand me. Would you be willing 
to help me to find a better way to share my ideas so that 
you can understand me?" Then ask them if they are willing 
to be open, patient and fully present while you explain what 
you are trying to say in different way. Tell them that they 
don't have to agree with you but ask them to try to 
understand. 

This takes courage, presence and the intention to "do it 
differently." It takes breaking the pattern in some way. 
It takes you not becoming defensive and falling into old 
patterns when you feel your needs are not being met and you 
are not being understood.

********************************

Now it's your turn to answer the following questions:

1) What is one agreement, with yourself or with another 
person, you are willing to make about helping others to 
understand what you are saying?





2) How will you remind yourself to do this? 





*******************************

TIPS for listening and making yourself understood 

1) Whether you're listening to someone on the phone or in 
person, give them your undivided attention. Stop what you 
are doing and make eye contact with the person. If you 
don't have time to listen at that moment, arrange a time 
when you can truly listen and be fully present. Listening 
is not a time for 'multi-tasking'

2) Stay in the present moment when you are listening or 
trying to make yourself understood. Don't let your mind 
drift into thinking about things that happened in the past 
or what may happen in the future. 

3) Make agreements with the people who are closest to you 
that you will honor each other by listening when the other 
speaks-whether it is your children, your mother, or a spouse 
of many years. When you make and keep conscious agreements 
like this one, a feeling of safety, trust and respect grows 
between you. 

4) Make a conscious effort to avoid reacting defensively, 
even in your mind, if this is your pattern.

5) If you feel that certain people habitually do not listen 
to you, interrupt the pattern and ask for their help.

Read more »

5 Tips on How To Mend a Broken Heart

Anyone who has gone through a breakup or divorce and has come out the other side with a broken heart, knows what we are talking about.

It can be a very painful experience!

One of the ways to help yourself to feel better and actually heal from a breakup or divorce is to begin to listen to what you are telling yourself. In other words, pay attention to your “self talk.”

We all talk to ourselves all of the time and this is what we calling 'self talk.' These thoughts come and go in our minds and they can either help us go through life with relative ease or struggling at every step of the way.

In our experience, this 'self talk' can either keep you stuck in the past--mulling over what went wrong or what you should have done differently--or stuck in the future--worrying about what might happen at some point down the road.

Or 'self talk' can help you to stay in the present moment, dealing practically with what's happening right now, and move powerfully and positively into your future.

One of the best kept secrets is that you can change your thoughts. Believe it or not, many people learn how to do it.

Here are 5 ways to change 'self talk' to help you ease your pain from your breakup or divorce...

1. Become aware of what you are telling yourself.

Believe it or not, our houghts are habits that we've created along the way. For instance, there's the "guilt" set of thoughts, the "worry" set of thoughts, the "fear" set of thoughts, the "I'm always going to be alone" set of thoughts, the "nothing's wrong" set of thoughts or the "sunny outlook" set of thoughts--you get the idea.

If you want to begin healing your pain, start paying attention to your particular set of thoughts. You might even give them a name.

Maybe you've not had these thoughts until your breakup or maybe they've been with you for a long time. Whichever is the case, just begin noticing what thoughts roll through your mind.

2. Once you have become aware of your thoughts, decide the thoughts that make you feel better, easier about your situation and those that don't. Take a legal pad or notebook and at the top of the page, make 2 columns with these headings: "Feel better" and "Feel Worse."

Keep the legal pad or notebook where you can easily reach it. As thoughts come to you, write them down under one of those two categories. Do this long enough for you to see on paper, your patterns of thinking that are either helping you or pulling you down.

3. Identify one reoccurring thought or pattern that is bringing you pain and make the commitment to yourself to change it. Write your commitment down and post it where you'll see it often.

It could go something like this...

"I commit to changing my thoughts about how alone I am right now. I may not be with a partner right now but I don't have to constantly remind myself."

4. Chose a thought that is better.

Taking our example, this thought is probably not going to be that you are completely joyful, are with your perfect partner, or feel completely satisfied with your current situation. It may be that a better thought is that when a thought comes up about how alone you are, you change that thought to "I can call Bonnie or Carol and either talk with them or arrange to go to dinner or a movie."

5. Practice in each moment and break your habit.

Have you ever broken a habit? It takes being aware of what you are doing and then making a change in the moment. Your thought pattern is a habit and can be changed--but you have to believe the thought that you are changing to--and you have to practice it.

If feeling better is important to you, this is valuable information that will help you to move forward in your healing process from your breakup or divorce

Read more »

There are No Relationship Failures

It sounds trite, but there's always something you can learn from every experience. Often it's the seed of a current or past "failure" that fuels you to the very success that you've always dreamed of. Past relationships give you a clearer picture of what you want and what you don't want in a relationship if you take the time to examine them. 
 
It's the power of contrast that living in an unfulfilling relationship may give you. A woman we'll call Connie brought her intimate relationship to an end after several years of turmoil with her partner. After the break-up, she realized what this relationship had taught her and that it wasn't a "failure." 
 
This relationship had helped her to define the type of partner she would really resonate with--someone who was on a similar spiritual path, someone she could have a deep connection with, and someone who loved to be with groups of people. 
 
This partner who she left wanted to always be alone with her and she liked to be with people. They also did not have the same spiritual interests which created distance between them. 
 
She learned to bless the relationship and let it go to make room for the type of partner she wanted to be with and to free her previous partner to find a more appropriate mate. 
 
She learned that her relationship wasn't a "failure" because of what it taught her about herself and her life- what she wanted and what she didn't want in a relationship. 
 
People come and go in our lives. Some people are with us for a brief instant, for five days or for fifty or more years. The impact of these relationships on our lives can all be great. 
 
Sometimes we don't understand why we are involved with someone in a particular relationship or why someone has such a hold on us. We don't understand why someone comes into our life for a brief time and then leaves. 
 
What we've learned is that if a relationship isn't working out, it is not a bad thing or a failure that our society likes to label it. It just may be that you have learned what it is that you were supposed to learn by being in a relationship with that other person and it's time to move on to other "lessons." 
 
We're not suggesting that you take your relationships lightly and throw them away at the first sign of conflict--Quite the contrary. 
 
What we are saying is that the purpose of all relationships is to help us to grow--personally and spiritually. Even the relationships that are the most troubling to us can be gifts in learning more about ourselves. 
  
So instead of looking at a relationship that didn't work out the way you had hoped as a failure, we suggest you look at it as a growth experience and move forward consciously by learning from it. 

Read more »

Finding Your Perfect Partner

A woman we'll call "Jane" thought she was a great "catch" and a "perfect partner" but she wondered why her relationships always seemed to fail.

Here's what she wrote-- "I dated men of various ages and cultures but all my relationships ended up in disaster. I constantly searched, hoping for love to come my way. I carried a lot of personal baggage from my past and set unrealistic standards and expectations for my lovers hoping they would fail because I was afraid to fail. I was afraid they would hurt me and disappoint me, so I made sure I would be in control when they did."

In this situation, Jane has an incredible opportunity in front of her. She can continue as she has been, being fearful and attracting people who will disappoint her or she can learn from what she has discovered about her patterns from the past.

It's been my experience that we attract the people into our lives who show us what we need to heal within ourselves, new possibilities for the future, and the contrast of what we want and don't want in our lives. I'd take the rather contrarian view that there are no relationship mistakes or failures and only opportunities to heal, learn, grow and experience joy.

Even though "Jane" thought her relationships were failures, each one was actually another chance to become more emotionally aware of what was going on inside her, what she wanted for her life and to give her an opportunity to heal and create new ways to do it differently.

What I have found is that we keep attracting the same type of person, not just intimate partners, and experiences into our lives until we heal the past and "do it differently."

Decide that you deserve to have a great relationship and a great life, whatever that means to you. We are inviting you to learn from the past and the power of contrast so that you can begin creating the life you want.

Here are some ideas to help you...

1. Whenever something is important to you, don't stuff it down and pretend it doesn't matter. Have the courage to share it with your partner.

2. Accept responsibility for your part in past relationships that haven't worked out the way you wanted them to work out. Look for reoccurring patterns that will show you where you need to heal.

3. Know that there's no such thing as failure in relationships, only experiences that you may not have enjoyed.

4. Embrace the idea that no matter what has happened in your relationships up until now, the future can be different. So in a sense, each person who comes into our lives is "the perfect partner" for us if we use these experiences that we have with them to heal, learn and grow. 

Read more »

Communication E-Course- Day 2‏

A Common Complaint...

What about when you are trying to communicate with someone 
who you feel is closed-minded, set in their ways and not at 
all like you?

A woman said she was having a challenge with her partner because he was so set 
in his ways and closed-minded to changes in their relationship 
or within her. As we thought about her problem, we realized 
that two things were really going on here. She expected her 
partner to be someone other than who he was. 

She also didn't recognize that she was the one doing most of 
the changing in the relationship and she, consciously or 
unconsciously, expected him to go right along with her in 
whatever growth process she had been going through. This 
was a mistake for her to believe that her growth process 
was the same as his. 

Once again, she has to expect differences in her partner 
and embrace them. This is something she wasn't doing. If 
she wants to regain the connection between the two of them, 
one of the biggest things she has to do is to embrace their 
differences. We realize that this is not always possible 
and if she perceives the chasm is too wide between them, 
then she'll have other decisions to make about the future 
of their relationship. 

We believe that there is a reason that we are together with 
another person in any relationship. We believe that we come 
together with someone who may or may not appear to be our 
opposite to help us with our personal growth in ways that 
may not seem apparent. 

By demonstrating a different way of being, another person 
may be giving you the opportunity to grow in new directions 
and expand your life. That's exactly what the two of us 
discovered when we came together and started working together. 

We learn how to appreciate each other's skills, asking "What can I learn 
from you" rather than trying to change you to be more like 
me. 

Of course we revert to old habits every now and then. When 
we do, we should recommit to our agreements to regain our connection. 
We've discovered that when we embrace and honor our 
differences instead of tug against them, we communicate better 
and strengthen our connection and our love.

We've found that even if there doesn't seem to be anything 
we are learning by interacting with another person, it may 
be that you are with this person to see, by the power of 
contrast, what you don't want for yourself. By acknowledging 
that this person is also a teacher for us, there seems to 
be a softening and better energy flow between the two people 
who seem at odds with each other. 

In so many relationships, many of us have the unconscious or 
conscious desire that all would be well if you could be just 
like me! We suggest that if you explore looking at other 
people's differences as growth opportunities instead of 
stumbling blocks, we think you will discover deeper, more 
satisfying connections with others in your life.

****************************

Now, we invite you to think of a relationship where there 
are differences between the two of you that drive you crazy 
and create communication problems and answer the following 
questions: 

1) Describe this person, your relationship and the 
differences between the two of you. What drives you crazy 
about this person? 



2) Has there been any other time in your past when anyone 
else has acted in a similar way? If so, describe the 
similarities between your partner and this person. Is it 
possible that there are patterns that you are repeating in 
this relationship that you may not be aware of?


3) Describe what you can learn and how you can grow if 
you are open to learning from these differences and not 
resisting them or trying to change the other person. If 
there isn't anything that you feel you can learn from this 
person that will help you to grow, what is this person 
showing you, by the power of contrast, that you do not 
want. Acknowledge that this person is also your teacher.

Here are examples: 
"I can learn how to better handle money by watching how my 
partner does it." 

"I know that I do not want to eat the fatty foods my partner 
eats but I realize that she is a great teacher for me because 
I now know how much I value eating healthy foods." 

"I've learned a great deal from my partner about how to be 
kind when I want to blame or lash out at someone else."




4) What is one thing you can begin doing right now that 
will help you acknowledge and honor the other's differences 
and improve communication between the two of you?

For example: "I can begin to listen and to contribute to the 
discussion when my partner talks about money."




5) What are some agreements that you would like to make, 
either with yourself or with the other person, about the 
differences between the two of you?

For example: "I agree to honor the way you choose to eat 
without being critical." 



For the next few days, practice changing your viewpoint about 
your partner's or other people's differences. Remember, you 
do not have to adopt anything that doesn't resonate with you 
or allow someone to be harmful to you with their actions. 

But stand back and allow others to have their own 
experiences, as you have yours. When you start to judge, 
remember that this is a gift to you, a chance to broaden 
yourself. Open your heart and allow the differences to 
bring you together instead of tear you apart. 

**********************************

TIPS for embracing differences

1) Expect them.

2) Embrace and accept them.

3) Listen carefully to the other person.

4) Allow the other person to talk without becoming 
defensive and without interruption when the other person is 
sharing about what's important to them.

5) Take your turn to talk and ask that the other person 
listen to you without interruption

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How to Release Past Hurts and Betrayals for More Trust in Your Relationship

Here are some ideas that we have
used to help heal past hurts, create more trust, and deeper love and connection in our relationship...


1. Recognize when you are triggered and
carried into the past. Ask yourself if your anger, withdrawal or whatever you happen to do when you are triggered is either magnified by something that happened in your past or maybe even totally from your past.
In other words, can you identify whether you were triggered entirely by what's happening in the present or is your reaction mostly from what happened in your past?


2. Identify your thoughts and fears and question them. You may have heard the saying that fear is False Evidence Appearing Real. We suggest that you write your thoughts and fears on paper and then question their truth in your current life.


3. If you aren't sure whether your reactions
or fears are about the past or the present, ask your partner for a clarification about whatever triggered you before you react. Ask with curiosity, not blame.


4. Practice discernment. Create ways to
differentiate one partner from another when
you are triggered--whether your current partner is actually "doing" anything or treating you as someone in your past treated you--or not.


Ask yourself--"How is this person or this
experience different from my current partneror situation?" Find evidence that supports this difference.


You might even keep this "evidence" on a note card where you will see it often.


5. Remind yourself that "that was then and this is now." You are not the person you were when you had those previous experiences and although you may feel there are some similarities with your current partner, remind yourself that you can make different choices.


You can make those choices not from fear, but from what you want more of. You can choose to focus on what you want and not on what you don't want--and look for evidence that it's there.


That's not to say that you close your eyes to harmful patterns that are actually repeating in your life.
But it is to say that you look at what's happening in your present with honesty and curiosity and not stay stuck in past emotions.


Don't allow your past to create your present and future.

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