Tuesday, April 5, 2011

Build More Relationship Trust


Whenever trust has been violated and the two of you want to repair your relationship, that's certainly the question that's on your minds, whether you voice it or not.
"How long is this going to take for there to be trust between us again?"


The short and simple answer is there is no average length of time since every situation and every person are different.


There are of course factors that might either extend or shorten the amount of time...


1. The severity of the event that caused the mistrust.
Being caught cheating with someone else usually causes a deeper level of mistrust than forgetting an anniversary.


2. How often the event that caused mistrust happened.
If a person is repeatedly unfaithful (or frequently lies) and wants "one more chance," chances are building trust will be a very long and difficult process--if it can be built again at all.
And...


3. How open and committed both you and your partner are to healing the issues that caused trust to be broken and your commitment to rebuilding trust.
The key in building trust is not how LONG but rather WHAT you do with that time. It's how trustable the person who violated the trust can become--as well as how open the person who was hurt is to trusting again. You have to be willing to become trustable if you're the one who broke trust. If you are the person who was betrayed or lied to, you have to know what it would take for you to trust that person again--the more specific the better.


And this takes some looking inward to discover that for yourself in your particular situation.
You both have to buy into the process of building trust together but there's a fine line you have to walk...


That "fine line" is not making guilt and blame the major dynamic between the two of you while still honoring both of your needs--and seeing movement toward trust.
If the "guilty" party is unwillingly kept on such a tight leash and "made to pay" in every moment, there's probably not much hope for the relationship.


This person has to want to prove in every moment how he or she has changed and is now trustable--and do it in specific ways that the other person has voiced.


Guilt, blame and promises won't create a relationship filled with trust, closeness and connection.
True desire, commitment and follow-through will.
It's not the length of time that it takes to rebuild trust but it's rather what happens--how both people deal with the situation.


If you're worrying about and are focused on how long it's going to take to build trust back, change your focus to what you are each going to do to grow it.






T

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