After a breakup or divorce, thoughts like these may cross
your mind once-- or many, many times:
"I don't know how I will go on without her."
"How will I ever make it without him in my life?"
Especially if the breakup was not your idea, you may be
having a difficult time grappling with the prospect of
living life without the relationship that just ended.
Where you sit right now, it might seem nearly impossible
for you to go on without the man or woman you used to
(and maybe still do) love.
Even if you agree that ending the relationship is truly for
the best and even if breaking up has brought some relief,
you might also worry about how you will make it on your
own.
For some people, the idea of being alone is scary and makes
them feel vulnerable.
This might relate to caring for a house primarily by
yourself, becoming a single parent, providing financially
for yourself and children and it might also relate to eating
meals alone, going through special occasions or holidays
and sleeping by yourself at night.
No matter how much sense it might make that you and your
ex go your separate ways, adjusting to life without this
person, can appear to leave a big hole.
It is understandable that you might wonder how you will be
able to go on without your partner.
In order to heal from the breakup or divorce, it's important
for you address any beliefs you might have that you will not
be able to cope or manage without your ex.
At this moment in time, it might feel as if that is true.
The healing happens when you recognize those beliefs and
feelings AND you also begin to deliberately remind yourself
that you can create a new life for yourself-- one that may
even be happy and filled with love again.
Face up to the changes going on in your life.
Facing up to a new and unwanted reality can be painful. It
may be something you'd rather avoid or try to ignore.
But until you really look at where you are right here and
now, you will continue to live in the hurt and grief
associated with the past.
You might need to practice this.
Speak honestly about being single again to those you meet.
Think about yourself in terms of where you are now-- a
single (or about to be single) person who is going through a
transitional period in his or her life.
Try not to re-live the events of your breakup or even the
happier times with your ex as you speak and think about
where you are now. Of course, there will be times when it is
helpful for you to learn from the past and appreciate what
was good in that past-- but not right now.
When you face up to the changes going on in your life in
this way, over time, you can begin to see them as less scary
and out of your control.
You can start to look around at your life as it is right now
and see opportunities for healing and growth that you might
not have seen before.
Open up to the possible positive aspects of these changes.
The next step of this practice of looking at where you are
may not be easy for you, at first. Give it a chance and
return more than once to this challenge we are about to
invite you to.
We encourage you to look at where you are right now,
including the changes in your life because of your breakup
or divorce, and search for just one positive result of those
changes.
It might seem to be very small and insignificant.
You might recognize that now you can sleep in as late as you
want to on a Saturday morning.
You may realize that you can try out a new diet because
you are cooking for one now.
your mind once-- or many, many times:
"I don't know how I will go on without her."
"How will I ever make it without him in my life?"
Especially if the breakup was not your idea, you may be
having a difficult time grappling with the prospect of
living life without the relationship that just ended.
Where you sit right now, it might seem nearly impossible
for you to go on without the man or woman you used to
(and maybe still do) love.
Even if you agree that ending the relationship is truly for
the best and even if breaking up has brought some relief,
you might also worry about how you will make it on your
own.
For some people, the idea of being alone is scary and makes
them feel vulnerable.
This might relate to caring for a house primarily by
yourself, becoming a single parent, providing financially
for yourself and children and it might also relate to eating
meals alone, going through special occasions or holidays
and sleeping by yourself at night.
No matter how much sense it might make that you and your
ex go your separate ways, adjusting to life without this
person, can appear to leave a big hole.
It is understandable that you might wonder how you will be
able to go on without your partner.
In order to heal from the breakup or divorce, it's important
for you address any beliefs you might have that you will not
be able to cope or manage without your ex.
At this moment in time, it might feel as if that is true.
The healing happens when you recognize those beliefs and
feelings AND you also begin to deliberately remind yourself
that you can create a new life for yourself-- one that may
even be happy and filled with love again.
Face up to the changes going on in your life.
Facing up to a new and unwanted reality can be painful. It
may be something you'd rather avoid or try to ignore.
But until you really look at where you are right here and
now, you will continue to live in the hurt and grief
associated with the past.
You might need to practice this.
Speak honestly about being single again to those you meet.
Think about yourself in terms of where you are now-- a
single (or about to be single) person who is going through a
transitional period in his or her life.
Try not to re-live the events of your breakup or even the
happier times with your ex as you speak and think about
where you are now. Of course, there will be times when it is
helpful for you to learn from the past and appreciate what
was good in that past-- but not right now.
When you face up to the changes going on in your life in
this way, over time, you can begin to see them as less scary
and out of your control.
You can start to look around at your life as it is right now
and see opportunities for healing and growth that you might
not have seen before.
Open up to the possible positive aspects of these changes.
The next step of this practice of looking at where you are
may not be easy for you, at first. Give it a chance and
return more than once to this challenge we are about to
invite you to.
We encourage you to look at where you are right now,
including the changes in your life because of your breakup
or divorce, and search for just one positive result of those
changes.
It might seem to be very small and insignificant.
You might recognize that now you can sleep in as late as you
want to on a Saturday morning.
You may realize that you can try out a new diet because
you are cooking for one now.
You might simply appreciate the fact that you can leave the
toilet seat up (or down) all of the time.
Perhaps you have discovered that you can pay your bills on
time with just your paycheck or that you can fix a leaky
faucet on your own.
The idea here is to demonstrate to yourself that even in the
middle of the pain and heartache, there are a few things
that are positive and desirable that are also occurring.
Remind yourself of what IS stable and what or whom you
CAN depend on right now.
As important as it is for you to face up to the changes that
are happening in your life, it is also helpful and
bolstering to remember that not everything is in flux.
There are most likely quite a few people who are there for
you. Make a list of all of the people in your life upon
whom you might rely in some way.
This may be something as minor as a neighbor who looks out
for your home when you're away for a weekend.
toilet seat up (or down) all of the time.
Perhaps you have discovered that you can pay your bills on
time with just your paycheck or that you can fix a leaky
faucet on your own.
The idea here is to demonstrate to yourself that even in the
middle of the pain and heartache, there are a few things
that are positive and desirable that are also occurring.
Remind yourself of what IS stable and what or whom you
CAN depend on right now.
As important as it is for you to face up to the changes that
are happening in your life, it is also helpful and
bolstering to remember that not everything is in flux.
There are most likely quite a few people who are there for
you. Make a list of all of the people in your life upon
whom you might rely in some way.
This may be something as minor as a neighbor who looks out
for your home when you're away for a weekend.
It could be a friend who is always ready with wise words
and a hug.
and a hug.
It might be that relative who has been the stable presence in
your life since you were young.
Know that these people are there for you-- if you call on
them. Be specific in your request for support. Be willing
to receive.
There are also undoubtedly situations in your life that are
not changing. Even if it's the bus route you ride to work
or the way that the flowers in your garden bloom and grow,
pay attention to those things that are constants around you.
Look to them when you feel vulnerable and out of control for
re-grounding.
As you face your current reality and look at where you are,
you will probably begin to see that there are some promising
things going on right here and right now. Knowing this will
help you feel better and better every day.
your life since you were young.
Know that these people are there for you-- if you call on
them. Be specific in your request for support. Be willing
to receive.
There are also undoubtedly situations in your life that are
not changing. Even if it's the bus route you ride to work
or the way that the flowers in your garden bloom and grow,
pay attention to those things that are constants around you.
Look to them when you feel vulnerable and out of control for
re-grounding.
As you face your current reality and look at where you are,
you will probably begin to see that there are some promising
things going on right here and right now. Knowing this will
help you feel better and better every day.
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