It doesn't matter whether you were the one who left or you were the
one who was left--there is usually a mixture of emotions that come
up. There could be regret, sadness, resentment, relief, loss, grief
and a mixture of all of those.
Whatever you are feeling right now, we know that at the very bottom
it,there is probably some kind of pain.
It can show up differently as emotional pain or physical pain--or a
mixture of both.
When one woman we know experienced a divorce, she actually had
physical pain in her heart. She was so grief-stricken that she
thought she was having a heart attack. In an extreme case such as
this, you need to be checked out by a physician--but the point is
that there is very real pain after a breakup or divorce.
So the question is...
How do you stop the pain?
The funny thing about pain is that it is usually pointing to
something that you need to heal or look at in your life. Now you
may be telling us that it's pretty obvious what you need to heal--
the loss of your relationship or to get your relationship back--but
maybe it isn't as obvious as that.
So the first thing that we would suggest if you are in pain from
a breakup or divorce is ...
1. Acknowledge that you are in pain
Acknowledge "what is" right now. Right now, you may be experiencing
the extremes of either getting busy "doing" so that all of your
time is filled up and you can't think or you are so overcome with
emotion that you aren't functioning very well in your job or your
personal life.
As you've probably discovered, neither of these ways is very
helpful or healthy for you to deal with the pain.
If you cover the pain up with lots of "doing," whether it's exercise
or working long hours, the pain always comes out and hits you in
the face at some point. Maybe you can't sleep and take sleeping
pills because your thoughts and emotions are overwhelming. Whatever
happens, the pain always catches up to you.
If you find that you are completely incapacitated by your pain and
all you want to do is stay in bed, that's probably not working
either. You may be missing work, staying away from your friends and
hibernating. You life may seem that it's on hold and you can't move
further. Being overwhelmed with pain is not dealing with it either.
The choice you can make, whether you are incapacitated by your pain
or are burying it, is to really look at it and not try to run
away from it.
2. Discover what your pain is telling you.
Now this may seem a little weird to you but as we said before, pain
is always telling us something and our job is to listen.
Here's one way to listen to what your pain is saying...
Find a quiet spot, sit quietly with yourself, close your eyes and no
distractions like television or the internet.
Take a few moments to quiet yourself by breathing deeply into your
belly region. If thoughts come in, bring your attention back to
your breathing.
When you are calmer, move your attention to your heart (or any other
place in your body that has pain) and breathe into that spot. Don't
try to judge or put meaning to your pain right now.
Just allow yourself to fully pay attention to the area of your body
that the pain is causing you distress. Remember no judgments, no
self-talk about your situation.
Just be totally present with what is.
3. Practice this exercise whenever you feel overwhelmed or if you
feel compelled to bury yourself in some activity.
At first, it may seem unusual to do this but the more you practice,
believe it or not, the more you learn about yourself and your pain--
and the best ways to heal it and move forward.
Get quiet and listen. Even if you are in a busy office, go to the
restroom, sit in the stall and breathe.
Do it and keep doing it. If you do this consistently, we're sure
that you will feel dramatically better and better
one who was left--there is usually a mixture of emotions that come
up. There could be regret, sadness, resentment, relief, loss, grief
and a mixture of all of those.
Whatever you are feeling right now, we know that at the very bottom
it,there is probably some kind of pain.
It can show up differently as emotional pain or physical pain--or a
mixture of both.
When one woman we know experienced a divorce, she actually had
physical pain in her heart. She was so grief-stricken that she
thought she was having a heart attack. In an extreme case such as
this, you need to be checked out by a physician--but the point is
that there is very real pain after a breakup or divorce.
So the question is...
How do you stop the pain?
The funny thing about pain is that it is usually pointing to
something that you need to heal or look at in your life. Now you
may be telling us that it's pretty obvious what you need to heal--
the loss of your relationship or to get your relationship back--but
maybe it isn't as obvious as that.
So the first thing that we would suggest if you are in pain from
a breakup or divorce is ...
1. Acknowledge that you are in pain
Acknowledge "what is" right now. Right now, you may be experiencing
the extremes of either getting busy "doing" so that all of your
time is filled up and you can't think or you are so overcome with
emotion that you aren't functioning very well in your job or your
personal life.
As you've probably discovered, neither of these ways is very
helpful or healthy for you to deal with the pain.
If you cover the pain up with lots of "doing," whether it's exercise
or working long hours, the pain always comes out and hits you in
the face at some point. Maybe you can't sleep and take sleeping
pills because your thoughts and emotions are overwhelming. Whatever
happens, the pain always catches up to you.
If you find that you are completely incapacitated by your pain and
all you want to do is stay in bed, that's probably not working
either. You may be missing work, staying away from your friends and
hibernating. You life may seem that it's on hold and you can't move
further. Being overwhelmed with pain is not dealing with it either.
The choice you can make, whether you are incapacitated by your pain
or are burying it, is to really look at it and not try to run
away from it.
2. Discover what your pain is telling you.
Now this may seem a little weird to you but as we said before, pain
is always telling us something and our job is to listen.
Here's one way to listen to what your pain is saying...
Find a quiet spot, sit quietly with yourself, close your eyes and no
distractions like television or the internet.
Take a few moments to quiet yourself by breathing deeply into your
belly region. If thoughts come in, bring your attention back to
your breathing.
When you are calmer, move your attention to your heart (or any other
place in your body that has pain) and breathe into that spot. Don't
try to judge or put meaning to your pain right now.
Just allow yourself to fully pay attention to the area of your body
that the pain is causing you distress. Remember no judgments, no
self-talk about your situation.
Just be totally present with what is.
3. Practice this exercise whenever you feel overwhelmed or if you
feel compelled to bury yourself in some activity.
At first, it may seem unusual to do this but the more you practice,
believe it or not, the more you learn about yourself and your pain--
and the best ways to heal it and move forward.
Get quiet and listen. Even if you are in a busy office, go to the
restroom, sit in the stall and breathe.
Do it and keep doing it. If you do this consistently, we're sure
that you will feel dramatically better and better
0 comments:
Post a Comment