Conflict - The 4 Ds

Conflict is a normal and necessary part of life and learning to live with others. Each partner's different expectations and values cause differences to emerge as relationships are built and tested.

As we are all different conflict is bound to happenand most people have conflict of one sort or another in their relationships, whether they live together or apart. A natural result of difference is disagreement.

So although it can be painful and uncomfortable,conflict is a normal and healthy part of relationships; but it can also cause distress and be destructive.

What is conflict usually about?

These are some of the triggers for conflict:

• Affairs and jealousy
• Parenting and becoming a parent
• Finding time for each other
• Friends and family - the in-laws
• Housework
• Money
• Sex and romance
• Work
• Problems with drink or drug abuse

The 4Ds of conflict help us to understand why conflict happens in our relationships and that it can be good and help us understand each other better.

Difference: all of us are intrinsically different in our background, upbringing, personality, feelings, needs and wants. You wouldn't want a relationship without any differences because coming to accept each other's strengths, limitations and vulnerabilities helps a relationship to grow.

Disagreement: disagreement is a natural result of differences, as everyone sees the world differently. You wouldn't want a relationship without disagreement because being able to express views, feelings or needs means that they don't have to be ignored or bottled up.

Debate: if a disagreement is inevitable, then debate about those disagreements is inevitable too. You wouldn't want a relationship without debate because at least acknowledging disagreement can lead to compromise or move couples a step closer to a solution.

Difficult, painful or uncomfortable feelings: emotions are a natural response. It's only the awareness and the subsequent expression of these emotions that you can control. You wouldn't want a relationship without any difficult, painful or uncomfortable feelings because they are a vital sign that something needs sorting out.