How to Tell Obsession from Love

It’s not uncommon for people smitten with affection and infatuation to misinterpret their true feelings towards their romantic interest, a partner or even a significant other. Many of them fail to realize that what they see as an undying love might actually be a medical condition. It’s no secret that romantic fantasies and sexual attraction can often be so intense that a person’s judgment is clouded. Some believe that they are fighting for “the one”, suffering from unrequited love or desperately trying to work on their relationship, while in reality they are struggling with the demons of their own mind.

The Warning Signs

Here are some warning signs that affection can be unhealthy:

Sudden and strong desire for a person one does not really know that becomes more and more persistent.

It looks even more like an obsession if a desire is based solely on his/her looks or other traits that have very little to do with personality (an authority figure, a man in uniform, a model etc).

A tendency to idealize the object of desire and to attribute him/her with virtues or qualities while there is no way of knowing if he/she possesses them in reality

An immediate overwhelming urge to rush into the relationship with him/her not based on logic, compatibility or availability.

The Difference Between Love and Obsession

According to Oxford Dictionary of Current English the definition of love is “warm, kind feeling, fondness and tender devotion” while obsession is described as “ fixed idea that occupies one’s mind”.

In other words people who love regard their loved one as a human being and the needs of the beloved are important to them, while the victims of obsession see their love interest as an object of their sexual desire or romantic interest ignoring the fact that he/she is a real person. They want to possess the object of their obsession, they crave him/her like a drug addict craves heroin or an alcoholic craves a drink. Almost two hundred years ago British writer John Galsworthy in his legendary novel The Foresyte Saga described a fixed idea of the possession of an object of one’s desire as a mania that “ runs with eyes turned inward to its own light, oblivious of all other stars”.

Obsessive Behavior in a Relationship

If a person tries to constantly monitor his/her partners whereabouts, makes attempts to get in touch with him/her numerous times a day, becomes extremely suspicious of infidelity or abandonment for no apparent reason chances are that they are obsessed. Moreover, obsessed partners or spouses often try to isolate and control their significant other. Often times an obsessed partner demonstrates disturbing and even violent behavior towards the object of his/her passion. Stalking is a mild form of it; unfortunately obsessive escapades often escalate to verbal and even physical violence. In most extreme cases an obsessive partner can be a serious threat to their object of desire and to themselves. Obsessions that ended with fatality are not uncommon.

Getting Help

If a person feels that he/she have developed an unhealthy obsessive attachment to someone, it’s time to take action by seeking professional help. Usually, the true reason for obsession has nothing to do with sexual and romantic desire, but more with anxiety disorder that develops as a result of the fact that an individual’s emotional needs weren’t met. The most crucial issue about obsession is to figure out what is the true reason that caused it. As soon as that goal is achieved the problem is half solved. An obsessed person is a prisoner of his/ her own mind and is the only one who can put an end the vicious circle and break free.

Bibliography:

Galsworthy, John. The Foresyte Saga. Oxford World’s Classics, Oxford .1999.

Hornby, A.S. Oxford Advanced Dictionary of Current English. Oxford University Press, Oxford, 1995.

Moore, John D. Confusing Love with Obsession. Hazelden, Center City Minnesota, 2002.

Davidson, Jonathan. The Anxiety Book. Riverhead Books, New York, 2004.