Conflict - The 4 Ds

Conflict is a normal and necessary part of life and learning to live with others. Each partner's different expectations and values cause differences to emerge as relationships are built and tested.As we are all different conflict is bound to happenand most people have conflict of one sort or another in their relationships, whether they live together or apart. A natural result of difference is disagreement.So although it can be painful and uncomfortable,conflict is a normal and healthy part of relationships; but it can also cause distress and be destructive.What is conflict usually about?These are some of the triggers for conflict:Affairs...

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Making a Commitment - Managing conflict and difficult conversations

From little irritations to big rows Everyone has a good side and a bad side – there are things we love about our partner and things we hate. As you’ll have seen in ‘Changes and Stages’ when we fall in love we tend to see the best bits and are blind to the rest. But after a while reality dawns and we see our partner as a whole person – the good and the “not so good”. One way of dealing with the little irritations is to consider what our partner has to put up with in us and to remember that often the things we like about a person are the other side of the things we hate. You can’t have one without the other. But relationships are about getting on with another person so giving and responding to feedback from each other is all part of building a strong relationship....

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Honesty

There are times in every relationship when it is best to keep our mouths shut. It is unnecessarily unkind to pass comment on a bad meal or a failed attempt to sort something when your partner clearly knows already they have messed up. It is cruel to keep the drip drip of constant criticism going when a partner has done something stupid, lazy or incompetent. Our partner deserves the same courtesies we would give to any other friend. People irritate each other. Your partner is likely to be as exasperated by some of your habits as you are by theirs. The less said about them the better.              A great many couples, even those who consider their relationship to be sound, tread carefully around each other. Take sex for...

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What some couples say about Sex and romance

When our sex lives are going well it is great, but sometimes things go off the boil. Busy lives, sleepless nights, stress and anxieties can all contribute to a decline in the frequency of sex. We all have different levels of libido and expect different things from sex. All of these things can mean that problems can arise, problems that can be painful and difficult to talk about. You can read below about other couple's experiences, both good and bad, of sex and their relationships.Nick, London “It’s almost like a graph between quantity and quality – the quantity probably goes down, but I think you get to find out about what each other likes.”Julie, Wolverhampton “I think it’s purely because my attitude towards sex has relaxed. I am more open about things, and when we first got married, I would...

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Emotional Intelligence in Relationships

Having love, happiness and success depends on the ability to create and maintain good relationships.At the onset of a relationship the best foot is forward, attire is impeccable, the hair is kept perfect, controlling negative emotions and going out of the way to do things for the potential life partner is the norm. However, later on down the road that best foot forward gets tripped and complacency sets in. This usually occurs because there is a breakdown of emotional intelligence.A satisfying and healthy relationship requires a unique skill set. These skills do not come at birth, they are learned. Due to unresolved emotional “baggage” from upbringing or unresolved issues from traumatic life events in adulthood, many people will not be able to be as effective in learning these skills as those...

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How Emotional Cheating Starts - Heart Affairs

Emotional cheating starts when couples misunderstand the fundamental rules of marriage, says GaryCommunication is not the problem (communicating often and honestly is often stated as the best way to build a successful marriage), and says that emotional cheating is caused by wasted  Emotional cheating is:Flirting "harmlessly" with people of the opposite sex. Having lunch or drinks after work with members of the opposite sex. Discussing your work problems thoroughly at work, leaving nothing to talk about with your spouse. Sharing jokes and gossip with colleagues or friends of the opposite sex, not with your partner. Spending as much time buying the right gift for a colleague of the opposite sex as you do for your spouse. Sharing intimate issues with ...

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How to Tell Obsession from Love

It’s not uncommon for people smitten with affection and infatuation to misinterpret their true feelings towards their romantic interest, a partner or even a significant other. Many of them fail to realize that what they see as an undying love might actually be a medical condition. It’s no secret that romantic fantasies and sexual attraction can often be so intense that a person’s judgment is clouded. Some believe that they are fighting for “the one”, suffering from unrequited love or desperately trying to work on their relationship, while in reality they are struggling with the demons of their own mind.The Warning Signs Here are some warning signs that affection can be unhealthy:Sudden and strong desire for a person one does not really know that becomes more and more persistent.It looks even...

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The Most Common Relationship Problems

The most common relationship problems range from fear of intimacy to fear of rejection. Everyone struggles with fears of intimacy, change, and abandonment – but some people struggle more than others.Here's how to recognize and deal with these relationship problems. Fear of Intimacy Even in childhood we fear being swallowed up by another person and losing our unique selves. We want to be independent with our own personalities, likes, dislikes, strengths, and even weaknesses. This is the first common relationship problem: fear of intimacy - which can involve engulfment and emotional distance.Engulfment occurs when we lose who we are in our relationship: not only are our preferences lost – we may not even know what are preferences are anymore! People who have a fear of intimacy may be overly...

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Successful Long-Term Relationships

The great novelist Tolstoy wrote, in the famous opening line of Anna Karenina, "Happy families are all alike; each unhappy family is unhappy in its own way."Dr. Nicholas Stinette of Oklahoma State University set out to determine the ways in which happy families were alike. He studied 100 families in which both the marriage and the parent-child relationships seemed unusually good. Happy families shared the following qualities:1. The members frequently and spontaneously show appreciation of each other.2. They communicate easily and well, facing conflicts openly and trying to solve them—not just settling for the dubious advantage of being the person in the "right."3. They have a high degree of spiritual unity, and share common values and goals.4. They do a lot of things together (Mace,...

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THE JEALOUS MALE

A common element in many troubled male/female relationships is the jealous male. A male who attempts to dominate a relationship, playing what Fromm called the sadistic role, shows exaggerated jealousy in protecting his "property." White (1981) notes that extreme jealousy in love correlates with low self-esteem, overdependence on the partner, low educational background, and unhappiness.What are typical characteristics of a jealous male? What is the double standard?White found that jealous males typically believe in the double standard. They believe it is acceptable for males to cheat on their girlfriends and, later, on their wives. But women must remain faithful.So the jealous male cheats, and that probably explains why he is jealous. This is a classic example of the Freudian defense...

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Six Types of Love

In a classic book titled Colors of Love (1973), J. A. Lee defined six varieties of relationship that might be labeled love.What six different types of love did J. A. Lee define?Eros is romantic, passionate, love—what Tennov labeled limerence. In this type of relationship, love is life's most important thing. Lee said a search for physical beauty or an ideal type also typifies this type of love.Ludus is a game-playing or uncommitted love. Lying is part of the game. A person who pursues ludic love may have many conquests but remains uncommitted.Storge (STORE-gay) is a slow developing, friendship-based loved. People with this type of relationship like to participate in activities together. Often storge results in a long-term relationship in which sex might not be very...

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The psychology of relationships: Are you hungry for a relationship?

As human beings we are deeply relational and social creatures. When we are born we are totally dependent on the care and interaction of our parents or caregivers to provide what we need in terms of food, warmth, protection and stimulation. However, our early dependency needs go beyond this material level. We also need our caregivers to stimulate our brains so that we develop pathways for attachment and emotional regulation. The infant is an active part of this relationship with the parents and learns how to contact and impact other people. Together with our parents we develop emotional stability, a sense of identity, the use of language and...

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The psychology of relationships: What is Symbiosis?

Symbiosis is a concept which helps to explain one type of unhealthy relationship. The term symbiosis comes from biology, where it is used to describe two organisms working together for mutual benefit and, in the process, acting as one. The classical example of symbiosis is lichens, "plants" which grow on rocks or tree trunks. They build flat and often round colonies on bare stones, sometimes in beautiful colors like bright yellow or orange. Sometimes one can see them hanging off tree branches like beards. Lichens are "double-organisms". One part of them is an algae, which can produce food through photosynthesis. However, it needs water...

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