http://www.bidorbuy.co.za/seller/385266/Beautiful_Things I will ship overseas if you win my items on the auction. Divide ZAR (Rand) value by to get dollar average price.
Tuesday, July 5, 2011
Monday, June 27, 2011
One way to support yourself as you go through your break-up...
Posted by Relationship Dynamo on 1:48 AM
Open Up to Support As You Go Through Your Break-Up
There are support groups for just about everything these
days. You can find these groups on the internet and at your
church or community center.
Support groups for those who are going through divorce or a
breakup are certainly available.
The potential challenge with such groups is that they don't
always provide the kind of support that you might truly need
in order to heal your broken heart.
Don't get us wrong. We are not advising you to steer clear
of support groups.
What we do encourage you to do is to become clear about what
specific kind of support you want and then make sure that
the group or resource will provide that.
"Surround yourself with only people who are going to lift
you higher," talk show host, philanthropist and all-around
dynamic woman Oprah Winfrey offered this advice.
We couldn't agree more!
As you turn more and more toward healing your broken heart
and the future that you'd like for yourself, become aware of
the people and other influences that you're surrounding
yourself with.
Too often, people who feel broken hearted gravitate toward
what is essentially company for their misery. After all,
who doesn't appreciate someone who is going through
something similar to what he or she is going through?
That chat group for women who have been cheated on might
give you the exact support that you want...and it might not.
While it can certainly be helpful to talk with and
potentially learn from those who have gone through (or are
going through) the same kind of experience as you are, it
can also keep you stuck.
And, when you spend the bulk of your time with people who
are miserable like you are and who have no idea how they
will ever feel happy (or even close to it) again, you simply
aren't receiving support.
Don't confuse company for your misery with support.
What is support anyway?
Think about a bridge. Its structure of beams and cables
allows cars and bicycles to travel safely over rivers, lakes
and mountainous terrain.
You might think of a support as some thing or some person
that helps you to pass through difficulties. You are
bolstered by this resource and encouraged toward the future
you desire, not kept trapped in the pain and upset of the
past.
You might not always be happy or comfortable with what a
source of support has to say. For example, a close friend
or family member might point out to you the hazards of
checking up on your ex via Facebook or another social
networking sites.
This might not be what you want to hear...but it could help
you make a shift toward further healing.
Take some time and write down the specific forms of support
that you feel like you need now.
Your list might include the following: be available to take
a phone call when you feel sad or depressed, hang out
socially with you, be a shoulder for you to cry on, help you
make financial decisions, be willing to shop or do home
improvement projects with you or assist with childcare
occasionally or on a regular basis.
Now when someone close to you offers help, you can suggest
some ways he or she might do that.
Who (and what) are the sources of support in your life?
Your support team could be a collection of friends, family,
acquaintances, books, movies, television shows, music and
even physical surroundings.
The goal here is to do whatever you can to make sure that
the support team you gather for yourself is one which will
actually give you the support that you need right now. (You
can refer to that list you made.)
Take a look at who you're hanging out with.
Do the activities you do with these people and the
conversations that you have together seem to be serving
you in your healing process?
If they aren't, you might want to hang out more of the time
with other people. We aren't suggesting that you have to
rid your friend list of everyone who isn't "positive" or
"happy."
Be deliberate about with whom you are choosing to spend
your time, what you are doing and what you are talking about.
Be aware of what you are reading, watching and listening to
as well.
There are support groups for just about everything these
days. You can find these groups on the internet and at your
church or community center.
Support groups for those who are going through divorce or a
breakup are certainly available.
The potential challenge with such groups is that they don't
always provide the kind of support that you might truly need
in order to heal your broken heart.
Don't get us wrong. We are not advising you to steer clear
of support groups.
What we do encourage you to do is to become clear about what
specific kind of support you want and then make sure that
the group or resource will provide that.
"Surround yourself with only people who are going to lift
you higher," talk show host, philanthropist and all-around
dynamic woman Oprah Winfrey offered this advice.
We couldn't agree more!
As you turn more and more toward healing your broken heart
and the future that you'd like for yourself, become aware of
the people and other influences that you're surrounding
yourself with.
Too often, people who feel broken hearted gravitate toward
what is essentially company for their misery. After all,
who doesn't appreciate someone who is going through
something similar to what he or she is going through?
That chat group for women who have been cheated on might
give you the exact support that you want...and it might not.
While it can certainly be helpful to talk with and
potentially learn from those who have gone through (or are
going through) the same kind of experience as you are, it
can also keep you stuck.
And, when you spend the bulk of your time with people who
are miserable like you are and who have no idea how they
will ever feel happy (or even close to it) again, you simply
aren't receiving support.
Don't confuse company for your misery with support.
What is support anyway?
Think about a bridge. Its structure of beams and cables
allows cars and bicycles to travel safely over rivers, lakes
and mountainous terrain.
You might think of a support as some thing or some person
that helps you to pass through difficulties. You are
bolstered by this resource and encouraged toward the future
you desire, not kept trapped in the pain and upset of the
past.
You might not always be happy or comfortable with what a
source of support has to say. For example, a close friend
or family member might point out to you the hazards of
checking up on your ex via Facebook or another social
networking sites.
This might not be what you want to hear...but it could help
you make a shift toward further healing.
Take some time and write down the specific forms of support
that you feel like you need now.
Your list might include the following: be available to take
a phone call when you feel sad or depressed, hang out
socially with you, be a shoulder for you to cry on, help you
make financial decisions, be willing to shop or do home
improvement projects with you or assist with childcare
occasionally or on a regular basis.
Now when someone close to you offers help, you can suggest
some ways he or she might do that.
Who (and what) are the sources of support in your life?
Your support team could be a collection of friends, family,
acquaintances, books, movies, television shows, music and
even physical surroundings.
The goal here is to do whatever you can to make sure that
the support team you gather for yourself is one which will
actually give you the support that you need right now. (You
can refer to that list you made.)
Take a look at who you're hanging out with.
Do the activities you do with these people and the
conversations that you have together seem to be serving
you in your healing process?
If they aren't, you might want to hang out more of the time
with other people. We aren't suggesting that you have to
rid your friend list of everyone who isn't "positive" or
"happy."
Be deliberate about with whom you are choosing to spend
your time, what you are doing and what you are talking about.
Be aware of what you are reading, watching and listening to
as well.
Wednesday, June 22, 2011
Will your heart ever heal from your break up?
Posted by Relationship Dynamo on 11:00 PM
We're here to tell you that you can heal. No matter how
troubling your breakup was, you can feel better, even happy,
again.
It all starts with a choice and a shift.
We know that sounds like we're minimizing your pain but
believe us when we say that that's not the case.
We know how painful a break up can be and we also
know that it doesn't feel like a choice--but if you will
bear with us, we'll explain.
Make the choice to heal.
troubling your breakup was, you can feel better, even happy,
again.
It all starts with a choice and a shift.
We know that sounds like we're minimizing your pain but
believe us when we say that that's not the case.
We know how painful a break up can be and we also
know that it doesn't feel like a choice--but if you will
bear with us, we'll explain.
Make the choice to heal.
As simplistic as it may sound, when you make a deliberate
decision to turn toward healing, you can often start feeling
better quicker than you thought possible.
Sometimes, we cling to our painful thoughts and memories
around the breakup because we are afraid that if we let go
of the agony, we will negate any chance there might be
(especially in our minds) of reuniting.
On some level you might want nothing more than to just go
back to the way things were...even if you know that breaking
up was for the best--and your partner may have moved on
anyway.
It is understandable that you might feel this way.
We encourage you to ask yourself this: "Is carrying around
the pain and hurt serving you?"
If it isn't, maybe it's time to make the choice to heal.
You could write down on a piece of paper an affirmative
statement of your intention to heal.
For example, you might write:
"I am ready to feel better and once again turn toward
happiness."
Make a shift.
Congratulations on making the decision to heal your broken
heart. (*If you still can't make such a choice, be patient
with yourself and keep reading this.)
In order to put your healing into full motion, it's time to
make a shift.
When you make a shift in the way that you think about
yourself, your ex and the relationship that ended, you can
begin to move toward improvement.
**One powerful way to make a shift toward healing is to
become an observer to your thoughts and beliefs.
Let's face it.
When you think to yourself something like, "I will never
find love again," it is your thought that is causing you
fear and sadness, not necessarily the reality of your life.
After all, you simply can't know what the future holds for
you.
Get into the habit of paying attention to what you are
thinking and believing.
When a particular thought becomes fixed in your mind,
question that thought or belief the way that someone outside
your situation might do.
You could start out by asking yourself, "Do I know ________
to be absolutely true?"
Many times, realizing that what you are believing is not
necessarily accurate or true can help loosen the grip that
the painful thought seems to have over you.
**Another way to make a shift toward healing is to broaden
your view of your own life.
For many people, the pain of a broken heart can eclipse
everything else going on in life.
Without being judgmental of yourself, start to look around
at the other people and things in your everyday world.
Are there friends or family members who you could devote
more time to? Perhaps there are projects at home, work or
related to a hobby that you haven't attended to lately.
What is already present in your life that you couldn't
previously see because you were so focused in on the
breakup?
Be gentle with yourself and don't force things. But, begin
to look up from your intense feelings and see what you see.
Follow your heart and your interests and expand what you are
focused upon.
We aren't for one minute suggesting that you should stuff
down the sadness, grief or anger that you might be feeling
about the breakup.
Instead, we are urging you to feel what you are feeling and
then bring yourself back to the people, places and things
that are waiting for you right here and now.
decision to turn toward healing, you can often start feeling
better quicker than you thought possible.
Sometimes, we cling to our painful thoughts and memories
around the breakup because we are afraid that if we let go
of the agony, we will negate any chance there might be
(especially in our minds) of reuniting.
On some level you might want nothing more than to just go
back to the way things were...even if you know that breaking
up was for the best--and your partner may have moved on
anyway.
It is understandable that you might feel this way.
We encourage you to ask yourself this: "Is carrying around
the pain and hurt serving you?"
If it isn't, maybe it's time to make the choice to heal.
You could write down on a piece of paper an affirmative
statement of your intention to heal.
For example, you might write:
"I am ready to feel better and once again turn toward
happiness."
Make a shift.
Congratulations on making the decision to heal your broken
heart. (*If you still can't make such a choice, be patient
with yourself and keep reading this.)
In order to put your healing into full motion, it's time to
make a shift.
When you make a shift in the way that you think about
yourself, your ex and the relationship that ended, you can
begin to move toward improvement.
**One powerful way to make a shift toward healing is to
become an observer to your thoughts and beliefs.
Let's face it.
When you think to yourself something like, "I will never
find love again," it is your thought that is causing you
fear and sadness, not necessarily the reality of your life.
After all, you simply can't know what the future holds for
you.
Get into the habit of paying attention to what you are
thinking and believing.
When a particular thought becomes fixed in your mind,
question that thought or belief the way that someone outside
your situation might do.
You could start out by asking yourself, "Do I know ________
to be absolutely true?"
Many times, realizing that what you are believing is not
necessarily accurate or true can help loosen the grip that
the painful thought seems to have over you.
**Another way to make a shift toward healing is to broaden
your view of your own life.
For many people, the pain of a broken heart can eclipse
everything else going on in life.
Without being judgmental of yourself, start to look around
at the other people and things in your everyday world.
Are there friends or family members who you could devote
more time to? Perhaps there are projects at home, work or
related to a hobby that you haven't attended to lately.
What is already present in your life that you couldn't
previously see because you were so focused in on the
breakup?
Be gentle with yourself and don't force things. But, begin
to look up from your intense feelings and see what you see.
Follow your heart and your interests and expand what you are
focused upon.
We aren't for one minute suggesting that you should stuff
down the sadness, grief or anger that you might be feeling
about the breakup.
Instead, we are urging you to feel what you are feeling and
then bring yourself back to the people, places and things
that are waiting for you right here and now.
Tuesday, June 21, 2011
A celebration of passion, spark, and connection can stay alive and grow deeper through years of being together
Posted by Relationship Dynamo on 1:49 AM
The spark doesn't have to die whether
you've been together 5 minutes or 50
years.
Here are a few ideas we've learned along
the way that help us stay deeply connected...
1. Find ways to focus on what you like about
your partner instead of what you don't like.
You know the saying, "You get what you
focus on in life"?
Well it's certainly true when it comes to
your relationship.
Finding the "juice" and milking it for all it's
worth (while not ignoring something that's
so in your face that you need to take some
action) is what it's about.
*You can focus on a part of your partner's
body that you absolutely love.
*You can focus on ways your partner loves
you instead of ways he/she doesn't.
*You can focus on being present with what
you're enjoying in the moment with your
partner instead of what happened in the
past or fears of what could happen in the
future.
2. Practice coming toward one another.
We were at a gathering with friends this
past weekend and during the evening, the
two of us briefly danced together.
One of our friends remarked that he really
enjoyed seeing the way the two of us looked
in each other's eyes and how the love poured
out--as we were dancing.
We make a practice of connecting even in
large groups of people and it can be something
simple like making eye contact from across
the room, a touch on the arm as we pass
each other or an embrace as we dance
together.
you've been together 5 minutes or 50
years.
Here are a few ideas we've learned along
the way that help us stay deeply connected...
1. Find ways to focus on what you like about
your partner instead of what you don't like.
You know the saying, "You get what you
focus on in life"?
Well it's certainly true when it comes to
your relationship.
Finding the "juice" and milking it for all it's
worth (while not ignoring something that's
so in your face that you need to take some
action) is what it's about.
*You can focus on a part of your partner's
body that you absolutely love.
*You can focus on ways your partner loves
you instead of ways he/she doesn't.
*You can focus on being present with what
you're enjoying in the moment with your
partner instead of what happened in the
past or fears of what could happen in the
future.
2. Practice coming toward one another.
We were at a gathering with friends this
past weekend and during the evening, the
two of us briefly danced together.
One of our friends remarked that he really
enjoyed seeing the way the two of us looked
in each other's eyes and how the love poured
out--as we were dancing.
We make a practice of connecting even in
large groups of people and it can be something
simple like making eye contact from across
the room, a touch on the arm as we pass
each other or an embrace as we dance
together.
Believe us when we say that it can make all
the difference in the world in your relationship!
This practice of coming toward one another--
whether the two of you are at home alone, your
kids are in the house with you or you're with
other people--is an intimate moment that you're
telling each other how much your relationship
means to you.
It's a way to celebrate your love, every day
instead of just on special occasions.
3. Learn how to stay open to listening and
speaking your truth--even when it's uncomfortable
to do it.
Many of peopl have told us that
communication is your biggest challenge--and
we certainly know that can be true because
we've experienced our own challenges with it.
But we've also learned a few things about staying
open to each other when we disagree and want
to close down our hearts to one another.
the difference in the world in your relationship!
This practice of coming toward one another--
whether the two of you are at home alone, your
kids are in the house with you or you're with
other people--is an intimate moment that you're
telling each other how much your relationship
means to you.
It's a way to celebrate your love, every day
instead of just on special occasions.
3. Learn how to stay open to listening and
speaking your truth--even when it's uncomfortable
to do it.
Many of peopl have told us that
communication is your biggest challenge--and
we certainly know that can be true because
we've experienced our own challenges with it.
But we've also learned a few things about staying
open to each other when we disagree and want
to close down our hearts to one another.
Tuesday, June 14, 2011
4 Steps to Healing From a Breakup or Divorce.
Posted by Relationship Dynamo on 11:48 PM
We know that you're probably in a lot of pain right now because
of your break-up and you may wonder if you'll ever feel "normal"
again.
We're here to tell you that even though you may think your pain
will never end, if you take some simple steps, you will start to
feel some relief.
Read how one woman healed after her break-up...
Christine
As Christine told us, many steps can be of value as you heal
after a break-up or divorce.
If we could boil our experiences both personally and
professionally in helping others heal from break-ups or
divorces, there are four big steps that can help most people
start to feel better.
If you're in pain right now, we invite you to experiment
with these suggestions...
1. Acknowledge your pain. Acknowledging your pain while not drowning in it is your first step
to healing your broken heart. Give yourself permission to grieve the
loss of the relationship, even if you were the one who left, and
also give yourself permission to reach out to people who uplift you.
2. Accept the reality of your situation.
Don't see your situation worse than or better than it was. When
there is a relationship breakup or divorce, you might be living with
a lot of what ifs and wishing that it was different or the way it
used to be.
You might be seeing yourself as a victim or feeling very guilty.
Bringing yourself into the reality of the present moment without
making up untrue stories about your situation is one of the biggest
things you can do.
3. Realize what you learned by being in this relationship.
There are always gifts that come with any relationship. It might be
some realization that you learned about yourself, what you want, or
what you don't want in your life. How did this relationship make you
stronger or even a better person?
Be angry if you need to but allow it to pass through your body
without hanging onto it. Go outside and take a walk if you need
to shift your attention to something other than how you've been
hurt.
4. Take time to discover who you are now that you are no longer inthat relationship and what you want for your future.
What interests do you have that you have ignored for a long time?
What things have you not done for yourself that you would like to do
again? How can you love yourself? Getting to know you and what you
want for your future is vital to your getting over a breakup or
divorce.
Even though everyone's healing journey is different, we've discovered
that these four steps are at the very foundation of getting over a
breakup or divorce and moving on with your life.
4 Ways To Deal With Upsets, Anger and Anything Else
Posted by Relationship Dynamo on 4:49 AM
We've all experienced this at one time or another. Something happens, and we completely overreact.
We get upset, defensive and irritable and we don't
even want to (or can't) listen to what our partner is
saying.
Even though we just want to make him or her hear
and understand how we feel, we come off as
demanding and angry.
The last thing we want to do in that moment is to
understand where our partner is coming from, or
what he or she is going through.
Our partner has pushed a button and our automatic
response goes something like this...
"You hurt my feelings, it's not right and I'm going
to let you have it!"
We all do this but unfortunately when this happens
it never brings the two of you closer.
In fact, it brings more tension, stress and a lot of
unresolved conflict.
Here's a "button-pushing" scenario from our own
lives and what we did about it...
Several years ago, we'd get into conflict when
Otto had a particularly "uppity, sarcastic, superior"
(Susie's words) tone in his voice when he talked
to her on occasion.
Susie's anger button would be pushed big time and
of course, she had her own way of pushing
Otto's anger button.
Instead of expressing her anger in a healthy way,
she would come back with some sarcastic remark
that didn't have anything to do with what he was
saying.
His tone of voice said to her...(in her mind)
"I don't respect you"
"You are stupid"
"You just don't get this"
And any connection would be all over between
the two of us.
You can guess that after Susie came back with
a sarcastic, superior remark, Otto would really
get angry.
And so it went until we figured out how to stop
pushing each other's buttons in this way.
Does any of this sound even a little bit familiar
to you?
We're betting that even though you may not
have this particular way of pushing each other's
buttons, you have ways that are equally deadly
to your relationship. Maybe it's not the tone of voice you use with
each other but it might be what's NOT said
and what you imagine is happening.
Maybe it's that almost everything you say to
one another ends up being fodder for a fight.
Maybe it's that you've grown apart and you
desperately want to do something to bring
the two of you back together but everything
you try turns out wrong--and you're growing
further apart.
But...
Here's the thing about triggers...
No matter what triggers you and what triggers
your partner, you can change how you relate
to one another and how you deal with the
conflict so that it is no longer a big problem
for you in your relationship.
So, what did we do about this particular "button-
pushing" dynamic?
Susie learned to stop herself from putting a
particular meaning (her story about what
Otto's tone of voice meant) on what he was
saying--and listen instead to his words.
Here are the steps she used and you can
use also when you're triggered about
something your partner says or does...
1. Notice that you've been triggered and
acknowledge it to yourself that you've been
grabbed by something.
2. Notice what story you're telling yourself
at that moment. In Susie's case, it was
"Otto thinks I'm stupid and he doesn't
respect me."
The truth is that she didn't know what
he was thinking in that moment or what his
particular tone of voice meant.
(It might have meant that he was frustrated
and not with Susie--which was usually what it
turned out to be.)
3. Stop yourself from reacting in your old,
familiar way. If you say something back that's
sarcastic or you completely withdraw and
close down from your partner, notice that
that's what you want to do but DON'T DO
IT.
We know that it takes a lot of courage to
stop doing what's become automatic--but
know that with a little practice you can do
it.
4. Change your story and listen to your
partner.
Susie's new story is that Otto's may not
be angry with her and she'll just listen to
what he has to say.
You can change your story by just looking
at whatever else could be just as true in
this situation and telling yourself that story.
Otto used a similar process as well.
These steps are how we started unraveling
our particular "button-pushing" dance that
could have left a lot of unresolved conflict
between us.
And this unresolved conflict could have
destroyed the closeness, connection and
passion that we so love about our relationship.
We get upset, defensive and irritable and we don't
even want to (or can't) listen to what our partner is
saying.
Even though we just want to make him or her hear
and understand how we feel, we come off as
demanding and angry.
The last thing we want to do in that moment is to
understand where our partner is coming from, or
what he or she is going through.
Our partner has pushed a button and our automatic
response goes something like this...
"You hurt my feelings, it's not right and I'm going
to let you have it!"
We all do this but unfortunately when this happens
it never brings the two of you closer.
In fact, it brings more tension, stress and a lot of
unresolved conflict.
Here's a "button-pushing" scenario from our own
lives and what we did about it...
Several years ago, we'd get into conflict when
Otto had a particularly "uppity, sarcastic, superior"
(Susie's words) tone in his voice when he talked
to her on occasion.
Susie's anger button would be pushed big time and
of course, she had her own way of pushing
Otto's anger button.
Instead of expressing her anger in a healthy way,
she would come back with some sarcastic remark
that didn't have anything to do with what he was
saying.
His tone of voice said to her...(in her mind)
"I don't respect you"
"You are stupid"
"You just don't get this"
And any connection would be all over between
the two of us.
You can guess that after Susie came back with
a sarcastic, superior remark, Otto would really
get angry.
And so it went until we figured out how to stop
pushing each other's buttons in this way.
Does any of this sound even a little bit familiar
to you?
We're betting that even though you may not
have this particular way of pushing each other's
buttons, you have ways that are equally deadly
to your relationship. Maybe it's not the tone of voice you use with
each other but it might be what's NOT said
and what you imagine is happening.
Maybe it's that almost everything you say to
one another ends up being fodder for a fight.
Maybe it's that you've grown apart and you
desperately want to do something to bring
the two of you back together but everything
you try turns out wrong--and you're growing
further apart.
But...
Here's the thing about triggers...
No matter what triggers you and what triggers
your partner, you can change how you relate
to one another and how you deal with the
conflict so that it is no longer a big problem
for you in your relationship.
So, what did we do about this particular "button-
pushing" dynamic?
Susie learned to stop herself from putting a
particular meaning (her story about what
Otto's tone of voice meant) on what he was
saying--and listen instead to his words.
Here are the steps she used and you can
use also when you're triggered about
something your partner says or does...
1. Notice that you've been triggered and
acknowledge it to yourself that you've been
grabbed by something.
2. Notice what story you're telling yourself
at that moment. In Susie's case, it was
"Otto thinks I'm stupid and he doesn't
respect me."
The truth is that she didn't know what
he was thinking in that moment or what his
particular tone of voice meant.
(It might have meant that he was frustrated
and not with Susie--which was usually what it
turned out to be.)
3. Stop yourself from reacting in your old,
familiar way. If you say something back that's
sarcastic or you completely withdraw and
close down from your partner, notice that
that's what you want to do but DON'T DO
IT.
We know that it takes a lot of courage to
stop doing what's become automatic--but
know that with a little practice you can do
it.
4. Change your story and listen to your
partner.
Susie's new story is that Otto's may not
be angry with her and she'll just listen to
what he has to say.
You can change your story by just looking
at whatever else could be just as true in
this situation and telling yourself that story.
Otto used a similar process as well.
These steps are how we started unraveling
our particular "button-pushing" dance that
could have left a lot of unresolved conflict
between us.
And this unresolved conflict could have
destroyed the closeness, connection and
passion that we so love about our relationship.
Relationships and Sex
