At what point does self belief stop being healthy and turn into abuse?
We are told from a very early age that we are the best creatures on earth and that we can accomplish anything we set our minds to. The unfortunate few who are told otherwise when they are small, of course turn into psychopaths or accountants.
But for some of us, as we grow older, this self belief fades in the wake of the trials and tribulations that life throws at us. A great number of people walk among us with low self confidence, shyness and a lack of the self belief they once had as a child.
For most people it would be more fun to be set alight than to go to a job interview, or start a conversation with a stranger.
It’s not like that for everyone though
Have you ever met someone who had a grandiose sense of self-importance, someone who acted with a lack of responsibility and an inflated self-esteem? Did this arrogant, haughty behaviour irritate you? It probably did. For most of us, this obnoxious conduct is just not normal.
But I bet you that a part of you wished that you could have some of those qualities! Some of those ingredients do make your life easier when you are not so much a follower.
Narcissism in men
A study once showed that three out of four narcissists are men. That does not really surprise me; men have always felt it necessary to compete with each other and to boast their accomplishments in order to attract females and stand out from the crowd.
Men are constantly told that only the strongest survive in school, sport, business and ultimately, in life.
The weak end up with no friends, a lot of cats and a large knife collection at home. Add this to the fact that most men never really grow up, and this statistic makes a lot of sense.
Narcissism in women
There is lately however an increase in narcissistic behaviour in women. With women being more empowered and having equal rights, the drive for them to compete has increased as well.
The problem we have with full blown narcissism though, is not just an irritating, know-it-all, loud-mouthed person taking over every situation.
We get men that turn into abusive partners, they lose the ability to differentiate between a healthy, assertive leading role in the workplace and instead have an aggressive, dominating demeanour everywhere.
Women, on the other hand, concentrate on their appearance and this sometimes leads to eating disorders. They will also flaunt and exploit their physical charms, their sexuality and their femininity. In its extreme form this behaviour is known as HPD, or Histrionic Personality Disorder.
What we can learn from narcissists
Freud was of course the first person to coin the term ‘narcissism’, and he believed that it is actually an essential part in all of us.
It is the first internal drive that forces us to be loved, as a baby, we rightly demand total care and attention from our parents and ultimately this teaches us to love others as well. As with most things in life, though, it all comes down to balance.
You do not want to shout at everybody telling them how wonderful you are and how lucky the world is to have you, but you also do not want to be a doormat forever.
We can look at loud, obnoxious people and learn from them. The problem they have is that they behave like that everywhere. Like a sports car that can only do flat out all the time, they are going to run over someone and hurt them sooner or later.
We all have a place where we are quietly confident, a place that we feel in charge and assertive, even if no one else is around. It can be a sport we participate in, it can be the kitchen or even when we are singing in the shower.
It’s a place where we feel in control. These are places where our good inner narcissistic side comes out.
We should think of and draw inspiration from that and call upon those feelings when we are in difficult or strange new situations.
Remember that knowledge is not wisdom - wisdom is the ability to make the right choices. And the right choice is to look out for yourself first, but never at the expense of others.
