What it takes to succeed in creating a great relationship is...
The commitment to not run away and hide when things get tough.
One of the things we learned very early in our relationship was that
we each had a tendency in our previous relationships to shut down
emotionally and even physically run away when things got tough.
Because we recognized that this pattern can create big problems in
relationships, we made the commitment to each other that we would not
make the same mistake in our relationship.
We committed that we would stay present with each other and not run
away, either emotionally or physically. Sounds like a great
commitment but we've discovered that it can be a challenge to keep.
What we are sure of is that this principle of not running away has
made our relationship stronger, increased trust between us and has
helped to create the close, connected feeling that we have with each
other.
What does it take to not run away and hide when things get tough?
Here are some tips to help you and your partner if you choose to make
this commitment to each other:
1. Find out what your patterns are when there's conflict between
the two of you or conflict with someone else. What do you
immediately do? Lash out in anger? Put up walls between you and the
other person and pull all of your energy inside yourself? Leave the
room? What does your partner do when this happens?
2. If you decide that you don't want to create these harmful
patterns anymore, decide how you would like to act in those
situations. Change can take time and it usually means taking "baby
steps" in moving toward the behavior you want so be patient with
yourself. It's important that you focus on you and your patterns
rather than what your partner is doing. Always start with yourself
and if you keep pointing your finger outward toward your partner,
just know that you will probably stay stuck in the same "dance" that
you've been in. We urge you to commit to changing "you."
3. Ask for help if you find that you unconsciously go into your
patterns. This may be help from your partner who can lovingly point
them out to you (only if you agree how you'd like him/her to do
this). It may also be that you need support from a coach, therapist
or even a friend. If you choose a friend, choose someone who can
lovingly tell you the truth about your actions and not someone who
will either be critical of you or sugar coat the truth.
If you want a great relationship, learning how to stay present and
talk and listen is just about the most important skill you can learn.
This is the final lesson in this mini-series.
The commitment to not run away and hide when things get tough.
One of the things we learned very early in our relationship was that
we each had a tendency in our previous relationships to shut down
emotionally and even physically run away when things got tough.
Because we recognized that this pattern can create big problems in
relationships, we made the commitment to each other that we would not
make the same mistake in our relationship.
We committed that we would stay present with each other and not run
away, either emotionally or physically. Sounds like a great
commitment but we've discovered that it can be a challenge to keep.
What we are sure of is that this principle of not running away has
made our relationship stronger, increased trust between us and has
helped to create the close, connected feeling that we have with each
other.
What does it take to not run away and hide when things get tough?
Here are some tips to help you and your partner if you choose to make
this commitment to each other:
1. Find out what your patterns are when there's conflict between
the two of you or conflict with someone else. What do you
immediately do? Lash out in anger? Put up walls between you and the
other person and pull all of your energy inside yourself? Leave the
room? What does your partner do when this happens?
2. If you decide that you don't want to create these harmful
patterns anymore, decide how you would like to act in those
situations. Change can take time and it usually means taking "baby
steps" in moving toward the behavior you want so be patient with
yourself. It's important that you focus on you and your patterns
rather than what your partner is doing. Always start with yourself
and if you keep pointing your finger outward toward your partner,
just know that you will probably stay stuck in the same "dance" that
you've been in. We urge you to commit to changing "you."
3. Ask for help if you find that you unconsciously go into your
patterns. This may be help from your partner who can lovingly point
them out to you (only if you agree how you'd like him/her to do
this). It may also be that you need support from a coach, therapist
or even a friend. If you choose a friend, choose someone who can
lovingly tell you the truth about your actions and not someone who
will either be critical of you or sugar coat the truth.
If you want a great relationship, learning how to stay present and
talk and listen is just about the most important skill you can learn.
This is the final lesson in this mini-series.
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