Monday, April 18, 2011

Communication E-Course--DAY 9‏-Let Go of Judgments, Blame and the Need to be Right


Jennifer was outraged every time she saw anyone who 
wasn't a perfect model of health and fitness. She 
thought she had all the answers about how everyone 
should lose weight, stay healthy and look great. 
She also insisted on telling everyone what they 
should be doing differently in order to meet her 
criteria for being in perfect health and fitness, 
even when they didn't ask or cared. She was critical 
of her body and everyone else's. 

By acting in this way, Jennifer made it nearly 
impossible to connect with anyone in a relationship 
because her judgments built a wall between them.

The same kind of walls are built between people when 
"blame" phrases like "You should have. . .", "You 
could have . . .", "Why didn't you . . .", and "If 
only you'd . . ." are used.

There are many reasons why people blame, judge and 
have the need to be right, especially with an 
intimate partner. Much of it is done unconsciously. 
They may have seen their parents blaming and judging 
and it feels "normal" to them. There might be the 
unconscious or conscious idea that the more I blame, 
judge and prove that I'm right, the more likely he 
or she will change and do what I want.

No matter what reasons we choose to use, fear is at 
the bottom of blaming, judging and the need to be 
right-fear that our needs won't be met, fear that 
we're not enough, fear that you aren't who I want you 
to be so I'll try make you into that person.

We've discovered that pointing a finger outward, 
blaming and judging someone else, allows a person to 
hide from looking inward at themselves and their life. 
One common pattern that we've seen between two people 
is when one person is the criticizer and the other 
person is trying to work hard to get approval, while 
expecting criticism. The important thing to realize 
is that both people are part of the relationship 
challenge, by playing the martyr and/or the victim-
and these roles can shift from moment to moment.

In our view, when you start blaming, judging or 
feeling that you are right and the person is wrong, 
you have two choices: one is to continue to act out 
of fear and entrench yourself as the martyr or victim, 
telling all of your friends or the other person (over 
and over) how he or she is wrong and you are right; 
Or you can begin the healing process by giving up the 
attachment to the need to be "right" and spend your 
time and energy on whatever is necessary to heal the 
relationship. 

If you are being criticized and allowing yourself to 
become the victim, you can either stay stuck or 
decide that you will stop the "dance" that the two 
of you are doing, and begin the healing process. In 
some cases, it may not be possible to heal the 
relationship, but you will heal yourself when you let 
go of blame and grudges.

***************************
Now it's your turn to discover more about blame and 
judgment in your relationships.

1. Describe a situation where blame, judgment 
or the need to be right has created a conflict between 
you and another person. Feel free to include quotes 
from both of you.



2. Think of how you and the other person reacted 
in this situation or any other where blame, judgment 
or the need to be right were present. Do these 
reactions remind you of any other time or situation 
in your past? Is this a familiar pattern to you? If 
it is, describe how this pattern has manifested in 
your life.



3. When blame, judgment or holding onto the need 
to be right is present in your relationships, what 
would help you to come into the present moment and 
bring you out of this pattern so that you are able 
to resolve your differences? 



4. If you have a partner, what can your partner 
do to help you in this process and how can you help 
him or her? If you don't have an intimate partner, 
what can you do to help yourself to become more aware 
and move from these unhealthy patterns?




5. What agreements are you willing to make to 
stop the patterns of blame and judgment? If you are 
with a partner, what agreements are the two of you 
willing to make about this issue?



****************************
TIPS for stopping blame, judgment and the need to be 
right in your relationships:

1) Know and understand that underneath this issue 
is fear. When this issue comes up, go underneath the 
pain of the moment and try to determine what you fear.

2) Identify your pattern of blame, judgment or the 
need to be right.

3) Make an agreement to help each other when blame 
or judgment creeps in between you or if one person is 
trying to "fix" another.

4) Stop your unhealthy behavior by taking 
responsibility and acknowledge what you are doing.

5) Choose a way that would be helpful to you to 
interrupt the pattern and be willing to ask your 
partner or another person for help.

6) It's a good idea to make asking permission to 
interrupt the pattern as part of your agreement.

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