Monday, February 28, 2011

Conflict - The 4 Ds


Conflict is a normal and necessary part of life and learning to live with others. Each partner's different expectations and values cause differences to emerge as relationships are built and tested.
As we are all different conflict is bound to happenand most people have conflict of one sort or another in their relationships, whether they live together or apart. A natural result of difference is disagreement.
So although it can be painful and uncomfortable,conflict is a normal and healthy part of relationships; but it can also cause distress and be destructive.
What is conflict usually about?
These are some of the triggers for conflict:
  • Affairs and jealousy
  • Parenting and becoming a parent
  • Finding time for each other
  • Friends and family - the in-laws
  • Housework
  • Money
  • Sex and romance
  • Work
  • Problems with drink or drug abuse
The 4Ds of conflict help us to understand why conflict happens in our relationships and that it can be good and help us understand each other better.
Difference: all of us are intrinsically different in our background, upbringing, personality, feelings, needs and wants. You wouldn't want a relationship without any differences because coming to accept each other's strengths, limitations and vulnerabilities helps a relationship to grow.
Disagreement: disagreement is a natural result of differences, as everyone sees the world differently. You wouldn't want a relationship without disagreement because being able to express views, feelings or needs means that they don't have to be ignored or bottled up.
Debate: if a disagreement is inevitable, then debate about those disagreements is inevitable too. You wouldn't want a relationship without debate because at least acknowledging disagreement can lead to compromise or move couples a step closer to a solution.
Difficult, painful or uncomfortable feelings: emotions are a natural response. It's only the awareness and the subsequent expression of these emotions that you can control. You wouldn't want a relationship without any difficult, painful or uncomfortable feelings because they are a vital sign that something needs sorting out.

Making a Commitment - Managing conflict and difficult conversations

From little irritations to big rows

Everyone has a good side and a bad side – there are things we love about our partner and things we hate. As you’ll have seen in ‘Changes and Stages’ when we fall in love we tend to see the best bits and are blind to the rest. But after a while reality dawns and we see our partner as a whole person – the good and the “not so good”.

One way of dealing with the little irritations is to consider what our partner has to put up with in us and to remember that often the things we like about a person are the other side of the things we hate. You can’t have one without the other.

But relationships are about getting on with another person so giving and responding to feedback from each other is all part of building a strong relationship. Being comfortable with talking to each other about things you don’t like is not easy – no wonder then that we say nothing and bottle up our discontent.

It helps to begin by explaining how you are affected by your partner’s habits or behaviour rather than to accuse or blame. “I get worried when you come back late” is easier to accept and respond to than “The trouble with you is that you are always late and don’t care about me”.

Clearly, there is a sliding scale here ranging from the trivial to those habits that are very problematic, such as a major addiction. Again being honest is key – but not just about your partner’s habits but also your own. Nagging rarely achieves anything – what is important is acknowledging how bad habits impact on others and that sometimes we need to change certain behaviours because it matters to the other person.

Disagreements

What usually happens when you disagree with each other? How have you managed stress anddisagreements in the lead up to the wedding? Did you find yourself thinking we shouldn’t be arguing – we’re about to get married!!

Disagreements 
are a normal part of being in a relationship - Sometimes it can be helpful for couples to think things in terms of the Four ‘Ds’.  Both of you are Different so you will Disagree, and therefore need to Debate. This can be Difficult and cause painful or uncomfortable feelings but it is vital that couples feel able to argue with each other and accept that they have different points of view. 

Sunday, February 27, 2011

Honesty

There are times in every relationship when it is best to keep our mouths shut. It is unnecessarily unkind to pass comment on a bad meal or a failed attempt to sort something when your partner clearly knows already they have messed up.

It is cruel to keep the drip drip of constant criticism going when a partner has done something stupid, lazy or incompetent. Our partner deserves the same courtesies we would give to any other friend. People irritate each other. Your partner is likely to be as exasperated by some of your habits as you are by theirs. The less said about them the better.             

A great many couples, even those who consider their relationship to be sound, tread carefully around each other. Take sex for instance – how many women fake orgasms rather than risk hurting their partner’s fragile pride by asking for what they really would like from them in bed? Women are often bad at asking for what they want in all sorts of other ways too. We almost expect others to be telepathic and feel we shouldn’t have to say. But unless we do, at the earliest, calmest moment, resentments soon flourish.

It’s often stupid stuff like putting out the rubbish. Instead of saying ‘For God’s sake can you put the rubbish out’ one of you will huff and puff and then about 3 weeks later say something like ‘I did an experiment to see how much the bin would overflow before someone actually put it out…’.

Honesty takes a conscious effort and isn’t always easy. We don’t want to upset our partner or tell them something which they might not want to hear. It helps if the other person makes it easy for them to speak openly, by listening and accepting that this is their honest view rather than over-reacting or being too sensitive about constructive criticism offered in good faith. Good communication is part and parcel of intimacy, which means talking about how we really feel about the big things in life – work, having children, where we want to live, how we want to be loved as well as the small things.

We depend upon that other voice, from somebody we know cares about us, in all sorts of ways to keep us in check. When a woman asks ‘How do I look?’ before going out – she doesn’t actually want a pat ‘Lovely darling’. You don’t have to reply ‘Dreadful’ but you could suggest she changes something in a supportive way. And if a man has a few offensive personal habits such as bad breath or body odour then he needs to be told this by his partner because if she (or he) isn’t prepared to tell him, who will?

Without honesty about who we are and what we want from life as well as from each other there is always a sense of self sacrifice for the sake of the couple, which isn’t healthy. The relationship is also unlikely to be flexible enough to withstand the changes that life brings.  

What some couples say about Sex and romance


When our sex lives are going well it is great, but sometimes things go off the boil. Busy lives, sleepless nights, stress and anxieties can all contribute to a decline in the frequency of sex. We all have different levels of libido and expect different things from sex. All of these things can mean that problems can arise, problems that can be painful and difficult to talk about. You can read below about other couple's experiences, both good and bad, of sex and their relationships.
Nick, London
“It’s almost like a graph between quantity and quality – the quantity probably goes down, but I think you get to find out about what each other likes.”
Julie, Wolverhampton
“I think it’s purely because my attitude towards sex has relaxed. I am more open about things, and when we first got married, I would find it difficult to tell him I didn’t like it…he’s taught me to be more open about it.”
Kerry, Hertford
"I think a man puts more emphasis on sex in marriage. It's nice, but it's not as important as a lot of people think it ought to be in my opinion. He probably thinks the same as me, but I think he's got obviously more sex drive than me."
Gill, London
"The first couple of years of marriage, I couldn't talk to my husband because he used to get so hurt... his male ego — I couldn't suggest anything."
Sasha, Colchester
“When we slept we used to spoon, and we carried on doing that until after my first daughter was born. Some men go off women when they have a baby but everything was fine. But then things changed. At first he said it was because I have got a denture on my top teeth. But that’s not it. I think he just sees me as this wife and mother person, like I’m no longer sexual I suppose. But I’m not only a mum and I miss the intimacy we used to share.”
Oliver, Coventry
“I think sex is an important part of a relationship, it makes me feel really close to my wife. Sometimes it is difficult to say stuff or we have had a row, but when we have sex we are more relaxed and able to talk about things more easily – although sometimes I fall asleep!!!”
Corrine, South Wales
“He went one side of the bed, I went the other side. It was very, very sad indeed. It was awful. On the sexual side of things everything changed. We used to have a good sex life, but then things just became very mechanistic. I would make a joke of it but I went through all the emotions – you name it. It was just cold and even though we were in bed together I felt really lonely without him.”
Vicki, Kent
“Out relationship changed after having our first child. My husband went off me rather a lot. He was there at the birth, then he didn’t come near me for months. It may have been to do with my weight.”
Jaime, Leicester
“One of the problems was that we stopped being physical at all. In fact, for two years before Daniel came along we hadn’t actually slept together. He came along very quickly in the first week of us being physical again together. Other than that, there had only been very odd nights when we slept together. When we first got together it was all very passionate but it has really waned, and recently completely stopped. I’m not fifty!! I want some more sex!”
Jake, Bedford
“Our sex life was amazing when we got together – we had this amazing connection. Now we don’t have sex as often – we are so busy and the kids keep us awake a lot, but when we do the connection is even stronger. We have shared so much and sex helps us be intimate and keep the spark going.”



Wednesday, February 23, 2011

Emotional Intelligence in Relationships


Having love, happiness and success depends on the ability to create and maintain good relationships.

At the onset of a relationship the best foot is forward, attire is impeccable, the hair is kept perfect, controlling negative emotions and going out of the way to do things for the potential life partner is the norm. However, later on down the road that best foot forward gets tripped and complacency sets in. This usually occurs because there is a breakdown of emotional intelligence.
A satisfying and healthy relationship requires a unique skill set. These skills do not come at birth, they are learned. Due to unresolved emotional “baggage” from upbringing or unresolved issues from traumatic life events in adulthood, many people will not be able to be as effective in learning these skills as those who have cleared their past emotional troubles. Sturdy emotional development will help in building emotional intelligence.


What is Emotional Intelligence?

Emotional intelligence is the ability to recognize, control and properly communicate personal emotions and to recognize and respond accordingly to the emotions of others.
Having a solid emotional foundation helps to build lasting relationships. These skills assist individuals in having the patience and understanding to deal with life stress factors as they influence the partner, themself and the relationship. Emotional intelligence helps in understanding personal motivations, feelings and needs which is crucial in understanding how to communicate effectively to a partner. The ability to accurately read others, defuse arguments and repair wounded feelings are all components in this skill set.
Emotional intelligence provides a person with the ability to understand the difference between damaging and effective communication. It also allows opportunities to transform conflict into an opportunity for relationship building.


Quickie Emotional Intelligence Relationship Quiz

  • Are you attentive when listening to your partner or are you easily distracted?
  • Are you comfortable when there is silence during communication?
  • Do you judge or critique your own emotions or feelings?
  • Do you listen to your gut feeling when making an important question?
  • Can you calm yourself down effectively when you are stressed?
  • Are you able to use humor to mediate through rough times?
  • Are you able to deal with differences and disagreements?
Answering usually to most of these indicates that you have a positive start toward emotional intelligence communication in your relationships.


Five Step Program to Success

#1 – Managing Stress: Stress shuts down the ability to feel and think rationally. It impedes with the capability to be emotionally available to anyone else. This can cause damage. Learning to regulate stress is important in being able to be emotionally available.
#2 – Manage Emotions: Emotional exchanges are the adhesive in communication. Interactions are triggered by a host of emotions such as sadness, happiness and anger. In order to effectively engage another in conversation, being cognizant of internal feelings and how these feelings influence the choice of words and actions is key.
#3 – Nonverbal Communication: Nonverbal communication is powerful. Eye contact, facial expression, posture, gestures and touch can convey more to another person than words. When someone is speaking and the “receiver” is not making eye contact or walks out of the room, this is potential trouble. Nonverbal communication consciously or unconsciously sends either a positive or a negative signal to others.
#4 – Humor: The ability to integrate humor into life provides many advantages. Humor can help in taking hardships in stride, smoothing over differences, to lighten up on events that are not life-threatening or morally wrong or to simply have a good time.
#5 – Conflict Resolution: Choosing how to respond to differences and disagreements can create hostility and serious damage or it can initiate trust and strengthen a relationship. How a person manages their stress will determine how easily conflict resolution can be achieved. Finding resolution is not always easy, but it can be achieved when emotional intelligencer skills prevail.
Being honest and self-awareness are important factors in attaining a healthy level of emotional intelligence.

Tuesday, February 22, 2011

How Emotional Cheating Starts - Heart Affairs


Emotional cheating starts when couples misunderstand the fundamental rules of marriage, says Gary

Communication is not the problem (communicating often and honestly is often stated as the best way to build a successful marriage), and says that emotional cheating is caused by wasted

 

Emotional cheating is:

  • Flirting "harmlessly" with people of the opposite sex.
  • Having lunch or drinks after work with members of the opposite sex.
  • Discussing your work problems thoroughly at work, leaving nothing to talk about with your spouse.
  • Sharing jokes and gossip with colleagues or friends of the opposite sex, not with your partner.
  • Spending as much time buying the right gift for a colleague of the opposite sex as you do for your spouse.
  • Sharing intimate issues with people other than your partner.
"When a spouse places his or her primary emotional needs in the hands of someone outside the marriage, it breaks the bond of marriage just as adultery does," writes Neuman in Emotional Infidelity: How to Avoid it. "An emotional affair can be just as dangerous to a marriage [as a sexual affair], and often a more complicated situation to remedy."


Six Mistakes That Lead Emotional Infidelity

1.       Couples spend too much emotional energy on people outside their marriage: friends, siblings, parents, and even children.
2.       Couples keep an emotional distance (fear of intimacy may exist) because they don't want to need their partners too much.
3.       Couples step on one another's toes, not sure who is responsible for what.
4.       Couples don't consider how their past affects their current relationship.
5.       Couples don't make time for marriage or making love.
6.       Couples no longer focus on their partnership after children are born.

Neuman's 10 Secrets to a Strong Marriage

1.       Avoid friendships with members of the opposite sex.
2.       Foster codependence (need for one another).
3.       Have clear, realistic goals and a specific plan.
4.       Define your roles.
5.       Put your marriage before your kids, jobs, and anything else.
6.       Appreciate your partner, don't just tolerate him or her.
7.       Understand the connection between your childhood and your marriage.
8.       Share your deepest, most vulnerable self during intimate moments (deal with your fear of intimacy).
9.       Accept the many stages of love in a marriage or partnership.
10.    Focus your energy on building a strong marriage (and you'll have no energy for emotional cheating).

How to Tell Obsession from Love


It’s not uncommon for people smitten with affection and infatuation to misinterpret their true feelings towards their romantic interest, a partner or even a significant other. Many of them fail to realize that what they see as an undying love might actually be a medical condition. It’s no secret that romantic fantasies and sexual attraction can often be so intense that a person’s judgment is clouded. Some believe that they are fighting for “the one”, suffering from unrequited love or desperately trying to work on their relationship, while in reality they are struggling with the demons of their own mind.

The Warning Signs

Here are some warning signs that affection can be unhealthy:
Sudden and strong desire for a person one does not really know that becomes more and more persistent.
It looks even more like an obsession if a desire is based solely on his/her looks or other traits that have very little to do with personality (an authority figure, a man in uniform, a model etc).
A tendency to idealize the object of desire and to attribute him/her with virtues or qualities while there is no way of knowing if he/she possesses them in reality
An immediate overwhelming urge to rush into the relationship with him/her not based on logic, compatibility or availability.

The Difference Between Love and Obsession

According to Oxford Dictionary of Current English the definition of love is “warm, kind feeling, fondness and tender devotion” while obsession is described as “ fixed idea that occupies one’s mind”.
In other words people who love regard their loved one as a human being and the needs of the beloved are important to them, while the victims of obsession see their love interest as an object of their sexual desire or romantic interest ignoring the fact that he/she is a real person. They want to possess the object of their obsession, they crave him/her like a drug addict craves heroin or an alcoholic craves a drink. Almost two hundred years ago British writer John Galsworthy in his legendary novel The Foresyte Saga described a fixed idea of the possession of an object of one’s desire as a mania that “ runs with eyes turned inward to its own light, oblivious of all other stars”.

Obsessive Behavior in a Relationship

If a person tries to constantly monitor his/her partners whereabouts, makes attempts to get in touch with him/her numerous times a day, becomes extremely suspicious of infidelity or abandonment for no apparent reason chances are that they are obsessed. Moreover, obsessed partners or spouses often try to isolate and control their significant other. Often times an obsessed partner demonstrates disturbing and even violent behavior towards the object of his/her passion. Stalking is a mild form of it; unfortunately obsessive escapades often escalate to verbal and even physical violence. In most extreme cases an obsessive partner can be a serious threat to their object of desire and to themselves. Obsessions that ended with fatality are not uncommon.

Getting Help

If a person feels that he/she have developed an unhealthy obsessive attachment to someone, it’s time to take action by seeking professional help. Usually, the true reason for obsession has nothing to do with sexual and romantic desire, but more with anxiety disorder that develops as a result of the fact that an individual’s emotional needs weren’t met. The most crucial issue about obsession is to figure out what is the true reason that caused it. As soon as that goal is achieved the problem is half solved. An obsessed person is a prisoner of his/ her own mind and is the only one who can put an end the vicious circle and break free.

Bibliography:
Galsworthy, John. The Foresyte Saga. Oxford World’s Classics, Oxford .1999.
Hornby, A.S. Oxford Advanced Dictionary of Current English. Oxford University Press, Oxford, 1995.
Moore, John D. Confusing Love with Obsession. Hazelden, Center City Minnesota, 2002.
Davidson, Jonathan. The Anxiety Book. Riverhead Books, New York, 2004.

The Most Common Relationship Problems


The most common relationship problems range from fear of intimacy to fear of rejection. Everyone struggles with fears of intimacy, change, and abandonment – but some people struggle more than others.

Here's how to recognize and deal with these relationship problems.


Fear of Intimacy


Even in childhood we fear being swallowed up by another person and losing our unique selves. We want to be independent with our own personalities, likes, dislikes, strengths, and even weaknesses. This is the first common relationship problem: fear of intimacy - which can involve engulfment and emotional distance.
Engulfment occurs when we lose who we are in our relationship: not only are our preferences lost – we may not even know what are preferences are anymore! People who have a fear of intimacy may be overly anxious about losing their selves, which makes them extremely guarded and hard to know. People with a fear of intimacy may fear being trapped or suffocated, which exacerbates their relationship fears.
This relationship problem may be solved by learning how to overcome fear of intimacy.


Fear of Change


Sometimes our relationship fears make us afraid our partner will change; other times we fear he or she won't at all. Even good changes can be hard to deal with. When familiar habits and routines are changed, we feel a sense of unease because we have adjustments to make, new routines to create.
Talking honestly about changes is the best way to deal with this relationship problem. Discussing relationship fears, hopes, motivations, and practical issues will make changes blend in with the daily routine in a much smoother way. Even fighting about your feelings is better than repressing or stuffing them down.


Fear of Abandonment


Most of us don't want to be alone, and are dismayed at the thought of being rejected or abandoned. Even the healthiest people have some fear of abandonment. We know we could survive but life is better and easier with others (this is a primal instinct). We fear being left due to death, rejection, illness, physical or even emotional distance.
Becoming independent and emotionally healthy with your own life and goals is an ideal way to deal with this common relationship problem.

These most common relationship problems are revealed in different ways:

  • Overinvolvement in another person's life
  • Constant phone calls, visits, e-mails, etc.
  • Requests for attention or acknowledgement
  • Jealous or controlling behaviors (common relationship fears)
  • Withdrawal or extreme guardedness

To minimize these relationship problems in love:

  • Be aware of your fears! It's okay to feel fear of intimacy; simply knowing that you're afraid of losing yourself and being engulfed by your relationship or family could prevent it from happening. When you know what you fear, you're in a better position to deal with it. Accepting that you have a common relationship problem will help you solve it.
  • Express yourself appropriately. If you're afraid of being abandoned, try not to suffocate your loved ones with excessive attention or jealousy. Talk about your feelings, write them down – see a counselor if you're really struggling. Don't let your relationship problems – which are normal – dictate your behavior or wreck your relationship.
  • Get educated. Do you have an extreme fear of intimacy or fear of abandonment? Find out how to how to be supportive when your loved ones want to change. Read books, seek support groups, or talk to a counselor about your relationship problems.
These common relationship problems take some work to overcome, but being aware and open to change will go a long way.

Monday, February 21, 2011

Successful Long-Term Relationships


The great novelist Tolstoy wrote, in the famous opening line of Anna Karenina, "Happy families are all alike; each unhappy family is unhappy in its own way."

Dr. Nicholas Stinette of Oklahoma State University set out to determine the ways in which happy families were alike. He studied 100 families in which both the marriage and the parent-child relationships seemed unusually good. Happy families shared the following qualities:
1. The members frequently and spontaneously show appreciation of each other.
2. They communicate easily and well, facing conflicts openly and trying to solve them—not just settling for the dubious advantage of being the person in the "right."
3. They have a high degree of spiritual unity, and share common values and goals.
4. They do a lot of things together (Mace, 1977).

Lauer and Lauer (1985) surveyed 351 couples who had been together 15 years or more. Of this group, 300 said they were happily married, 19 said unhappily married but staying together for other reasons, and in 32 cases one member was happy and the other unhappy. The 300 happy couples consistently stressed several themes:

1. The spouse was viewed as a best friend, a person who would be chosen as a friend if he or she were not a marriage partner.
2. The couples were committed to the institution of marriage and willing to work hard at maintaining it. They endorsed statements like "Marriage is a long-time commitment" and "Marriage is sacred."
3. There was great agreement and compatibility on major areas of concern, such as philosophy of life, sex life, how often to show affection, and aims or goals of the relationship.
4. There was a willingness to seek out complexities in the spouse. Many respondents said, "My spouse has grown more interesting." Others said, "I confide in my spouse" and "We laugh together" and "We have a stimulating exchange of ideas."

THE JEALOUS MALE


A common element in many troubled male/female relationships is the jealous male. A male who attempts to dominate a relationship, playing what Fromm called the sadistic role, shows exaggerated jealousy in protecting his "property." White (1981) notes that extreme jealousy in love correlates with low self-esteem, overdependence on the partner, low educational background, and unhappiness.
What are typical characteristics of a jealous male? What is the double standard?
White found that jealous males typically believe in the double standard. They believe it is acceptable for males to cheat on their girlfriends and, later, on their wives. But women must remain faithful.
So the jealous male cheats, and that probably explains why he is jealous. This is a classic example of the Freudian defense mechanism called projection. Projection occurs when a person sees his or her own unpleasant qualities in someone else. The jealous male accuses his girlfriend of flirting with other men or giving them subtle "come ons" if she looks in their direction. In reality, such suspicions reveal the male's guilt and his assumption that his girlfriend's mind works the same way his does.
Luckily, humans can think about their behavior and change it if they really want to. One student claimed that simply pointing out the "guilt projection" pattern to her boyfriend made a difference.
When is projection revealing?
One night my boyfriend and I got into a major argument over a guy that he thought I was flirting with. I remembered the chapter on love and explained to him that he might be feeling guilty about something he had done, and that he was taking it out on me. I think it really got to him because he apologized for 3 days and he now thinks twice before getting angry with me for no reason. 

Six Types of Love


In a classic book titled Colors of Love (1973), J. A. Lee defined six varieties of relationship that might be labeled love.
What six different types of love did J. A. Lee define?
Eros is romantic, passionate, love—what Tennov labeled limerence. In this type of relationship, love is life's most important thing. Lee said a search for physical beauty or an ideal type also typifies this type of love.
Ludus is a game-playing or uncommitted love. Lying is part of the game. A person who pursues ludic love may have many conquests but remains uncommitted.
Storge (STORE-gay) is a slow developing, friendship-based loved. People with this type of relationship like to participate in activities together. Often storge results in a long-term relationship in which sex might not be very intense or passionate.
Pragma is a pragmatic, practical, mutually beneficial relationship. It may be somewhat unromantic. A person who leans toward this type of relationship may look for a partner at work or where the person is spending time. Sex is likely to be seen as a technical matter needed for producing children, if they are desired.
Mania is an obsessive or possessive love, jealous and extreme. A person in love this way is likely to do something crazy or silly, such as stalking. The movieFatal Attraction was about this type.
Agape (a-GOP-aye) is a gentle, caring, giving type of love, brotherly love, not concerned with the self. It is relatively rare. Mother Theresa showed this kind of love for impoverished people.
What have researchers found, in studying Lee's six types of love?
Hendrick, Hendrick, Slapion-Foote, and Foote (1985) found that men were more likely to show the ludic type of love, while women were more likely to be storgic or pragmatic.
Studies of couples happily married for over 30 years showed that couples who rated their marriages as highly satisfactory described their relationship in terms which resembled erotic love more than the other five types. This might be surprising; in view of the earlier-mentioned finding that limerence type relationships tend to flare out quickly among college students. However, it might be the case that long-term relationships that contain both friendship and a passionate spark are more likely to endure and provide satisfaction to both parties than relationships that are low-key and pragmatic.
Which type of love was least familiar to students in an introductory psychology class?
In a classroom poll, conducted in two American introductory psychology classes of over 250 students each, the first five types were all familiar to over 80% of the students from their personal experience (their own relationships or people they knew). However, less than 10% of students knew somebody who expressed agape.

Thursday, February 17, 2011

The psychology of relationships: Are you hungry for a relationship?


As human beings we are deeply relational and social creatures. When we are born we are totally dependent on the care and interaction of our parents or caregivers to provide what we need in terms of food, warmth, protection and stimulation. However, our early dependency needs go beyond this material level. We also need our caregivers to stimulate our brains so that we develop pathways for attachment and emotional regulation. The infant is an active part of this relationship with the parents and learns how to contact and impact other people. Together with our parents we develop emotional stability, a sense of identity, the use of language and a shared "story" or narrative about how we see ourselves and the world. Without interaction with other human beings we would not be able to grow into who we truly are.
To fulfill those ongoing needs we have an in-built drive towards relationships. Eric Berne, the founder of Transactional Analysis theory, termed our drive towards relationship a "hunger for relationship". The same concept is also central to a British branch of psychoanalysis called objects relations theory.  We crave relationships to stimulate us, and to give us security, closeness, physical contact and sex. The most intense way to be in relationship is called intimacy, a process where both partners are fully present and open to one another. Intimacy requires spontaneity and mindfulness. It means that we have to let down our guard and really listen to the other person and feel our own desire to be listened to. But intimacy doesn't always have to be sexual or even loving. People can be intimately angry with each other as long as they are straight and open with each other and they are communicating their anger from a position of respect for self and other. Another way to describe intimacy would be to think of the Buddhist principle of mindfulness, of being fully present and open to what is here and now.
Intimacy is incredibly rewarding, but it can also be experienced as threatening and overwhelming - it depends on your childhood experience of attachment and being in relationship. Most of us learn to shield ourselves against a repeat of not-so-good experiences by building a certain personality style, a main defensive pattern, which we would call a "life script", together with other bigger or smaller patterns which allow us to get on in the world of people and to keep us safe. It's also important to mention here that children will experience the loss of relationship with their care givers - even if only briefly - as a major threat to their survival. A child will adapt in some way to this threat, either by being more compliant on the outside or by managing things differently on the inside, i.e. by cutting off from their own needs or vulnerabilities. We may still do this as adults to manage our experiences of relationship. This means we are probably feeling safer, but that we are also limiting our ability to be present and enjoy our self and others fully. In some instances this means that we are actually denying ourselves what we would wish for most, such as finding someone who truly loves us and desires us for who we are.
All of these patterns can limit our openness and enjoyment of people and relationship. When we "work through" things as adults we become more open to the present and more able to allow people into our hearts; more able to give or share ourselves with someone else.
Berne also talked about two other "hungers", one for recognition and another one for structure. Our hunger for recognition leads us to crave being seen as who we really are, to be respected and recognized as competent, intelligent, special etc. Our hunger for structure refers to the fact that our brains are built to create structure out of chaos. We organize our perceptions into patterns which we can give names to, and which we can manipulate in our imagination or real life. We also create structure in our relationships by behaving in the same ways or by building a "life script" .
The three hungers are related. If we lack one of them, we often compensate with one or both of the other two if we can. Not enough relationship may lead us to strive for more and more professional or economic recognition, or we might compensate for lack of relationships by over-structuring our lives, making sure we keep busy with all sorts of things so we don't feel anything or, in particular, don't feel lonely.

The psychology of relationships: What is Symbiosis?


Symbiosis is a concept which helps to explain one type of unhealthy relationship. The term symbiosis comes from biology, where it is used to describe two organisms working together for mutual benefit and, in the process, acting as one. 

The classical example of symbiosis is lichens, "plants" which grow on rocks or tree trunks. They build flat and often round colonies on bare stones, sometimes in beautiful colors like bright yellow or orange. Sometimes one can see them hanging off tree branches like beards. Lichens are "double-organisms". One part of them is an algae, which can produce food through photosynthesis. However, it needs water to live and it wouldn't survive living on bare, exposed rock. The other part of a lichen is a fungus. It can't produce food, because fungi can't photosynthesize, but it is very tough and can protect the algae from dehydration and other environmental dangers. The two organisms work as one and need each other to survive.


Psychologically, we use the term symbiosis in a similar way to describe a relationship where two people function as one. However, in contrast to the biological term, it refers to a relationship pattern which is not healthy, since a couple is existentially two separate people who need to be separate for both of them to be able to express their individuality and different needs.
Picture two people. Both of them have three ego states, a parent ego state, an adult ego state and a child ego state. A healthy relationship can be described as one where both people can use all their ego states to relate to the other person. This means there is flexibility in the relationship. One person might be looking after the other for a while using their parent ego state while the other receives the care from a child ego state place. Then they go on to talk about daily routines, both using their adult ego states. And in the end, when matters are clarified, they might go on to play with each other, both accessing their child ego states.
In a relationship with a symbiotic pattern, both people use only some of their ego states to relate to each other, resulting in less flexibility. It's as if both partners take on stable roles and don't come out of them again. In symbiosis, two people function as if they only had one set of ego states between them. For example, person A might use their parent ego state and adult ego state to relate to person B, who mostly uses his or her child ego state to relate to A. Between them they only have one parent, one adult and one child ego state that is activated. This results in stable roles of A being the "carer" or the "responsible one", and B gets to be looked after. The same pattern will also result in a power differential between both partners. A gets to say what will happen, and B consents and follows. Or there might be a pattern , where B normally gets his or her way by using child-like tactics such as emotional blackmail or tantrums.
Both partners lose out in this pattern. Person A often gets power and can feel needed (for some people that will be part of their script), but they will miss out on being looked after or looking after themselves properly, because they don't access their child ego state and don't go with what they need and want for themselves. Person A might also not get a lot of time to play, but might always feel responsible for what is going on. Person B will get looked after, but that can also be experienced as belittling and not allowing person B to own their own power and competency. Person B doesn't access his or her adult and parent ego states and stays in a place of passive dependency.
The symbiotic pattern results in the classical set-up of a rescuer or caretaker and a needy and dependent partner in a relationship. It doesn't allow for flexibility or equality and it limits both partners in their freedom to be themselves.
However, both partners may have an investment in keeping the symbiosis going. Symbiotic relationships can be extremely stable and feel like they are very close, because they don't allow for difference. The roles are very predictable and therefore might feel very safe. Both partners know what's expected of them. Also, the roles in the symbiosis are learned in childhood. Person A might have started to be an emotional carer for his or her parents, when he or she was still a small child. Staying with this role as an adult allows him or her to stay within their script. The same is true for person B. He or she might have learned that it's best to stay little and not take responsibility or want his or her own way and staying within this role in an adult relationship means they don't have to change and look at themselves.
The way out of symbiosis starts when you look at what your investment in it is. Do you need to be needed? Do you need to be in control to feel safe (like person A)? Or do you get scared of being yourself or going out into the world? Or you may still have a lot of longing for being a child left over from your childhood and instead of facing the grief over your lost childhood you might opt for becoming the dependent person in an adult relationship (like person B). Remember that both people miss out on some of their innate capacities: person A on looking after themselves and going for what's good for them, and person B on their own power and competence. Whichever role you tend to go for, start owning what you are missing out on. Person A needs to accept that they are only emotionally responsible for themselves, like any other adult in this world. This may bring up a lot of issues for them, for example if being needed covers up a fear of being abandoned or a sense of not being good enough for the other person to stay around if they aren't looking after them. Person B needs to own and express their knowledge, competence and power in the world. He or she needs to take responsibility for their own emotional and physical well being.

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